Nuklear Age (53 page)

“Terrific. See you then.”

The ex-sidekick clicked back over. “Still there?”

“Oh, you know me. Typical passive female love interest just sitting around waiting for her strong Anglo male to come back from his mythic adventuring and sweep her away.”

“Um…?”
“Yeah, I’m still here. I’m afraid I can’t say the same for Onitenma, the evil stupid cheating boss of Samurai Swordplay.”

“Good work. That was the mayor on the other line. He wants me to be in a press conference about the trial in one hour.”

“Great! Hop to it, boy.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“You sure you don’t need help with that shower?”

“Good gravy.”

__________

A little over an hour later, Atomik Lad sat with a panel of the city’s remaining heroes at City Hall. Mighty Metallic Magno Man, Angus, Shiro, and Atomik Lad sat on one side of the podium while the Minimum Wage Warriors sat on the other. The room was filled with journalists and their murmuring.

The ex-sidekick leaned closer to Norman. “Did they tell you what we’re supposed to be talking about?”

“Not really,” he said. “But the mayor contacted each of us personally and he said this had to do with the trial.”

“I guess it’s finally our turn to tell our side of the story.”
Atomik Lad looked at the crowd and had the sneaking suspicion that they all pretty much looked alike. Not clones so much as unimaginative variations on an already bland theme.

Incompetent Bureaucrat waddled out from the curtains behind the panel of heroes and stepped up to the podium. Up close, Atomik Lad had a wonderful view of the mayor’s pale, pasty, fish-like complexion and his general chubbiness of wealth. The well-trained news people silenced their banter and prepared to take notes.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the press, to whom I shamelessly pander with political nonsense, meaningless double talk, and the adoption of positions on important issues that are so middle-of-the-road as to be utterly powerless to effect any positive change but guarantee me re-elections because no one was offended by my positions because they were basically nonexistent in the first place, I have called this conference in order to address a terrible travesty that has been perpetrated against one of our most famous citizens, and well, gosh, all of us by extension.”

“I think you might’ve been right, Sparky,” Norman whispered.

“That’s why our guest of honor is here today,” the mayor said. Atomik Lad prepared to stand up. “Dr. Menace!”

“Guh!” Atomik Lad sputtered.

Incompetent continued, “According to this morning’s poll, to which I must yield because it represents popular opinion, the people of Metroville sympathize with her for having to endure endless persecution and humiliation at the hands of he who may very well be the greatest oppressor of human rights in this or
any
century, Nuklear Man.”

The Venomous Villainess appeared from the same curtains Incompetent had, pushed him out of her way, and took the podium. “That iz enough out of you, znivelling worm,” she told the mayor. “Now then,” she said to the gathered press. “Even though juzitce haz been zerved againzt that Nuklear Pinhead, I do not think that iz enough action to take againzt the heroic community az a whole.”

“I don’t like where this is going,” Norman said.

“Hai,” Shiro said. “Dragon women was of fire to be breathing upon village peoples. Large in fearness.”

“Why don’t ye talk some sense for a change!”

“Whhhhhisakey!”

“Ooh! That’s me kind o’ sense.”

“That iz why I propoze to prohibit any further activity from theze so-called ‘heroez’ so that we may be allowed to finally lead normal livez. The mayor haz already passed legizlation that will make any heroic act
illegal.”

Mighty Metallic Magno Man and Angus had to hold Atomik Lad down. “What!” he yelled. “You can’t do that! We’re protecting the city against psychos like
you!”

“Oh, I think not, my dear Atomik Lad. I thought one of you maniacz would bring up that point so I took the liberty of making thiz graph. Chim-Chim?” A pale zombie monkey pushing a large and easy to read bar graph shambled from behind Dr. Menace.

“Chim-Chim!” Norman blurt while Atomik Lad, Angus, and Shiro held him down. “Menace, you’ll pay for this!”

“Funny that you should mention ‘pay,’ my Nazcently Naïve Nubian Knight.”

“Wow, that was pretty good.”

“Yez, I have been saving it for juzt the right occasion. Az I was saying, thiz graph showz the amount of damagez cauzed to the beautiful city of Metroville by the recklezz and irrezponzible behavior of theze self styled heroez.” She pointed to a red bar that rose quite high, well over the billion dollar mark. “Compare that to the bar which shows the amount of damagez cauzed by villainz.” A blue bar rose imperceptibly to the thirty five cent mark. “I had an overdue library book one time,” she admitted, eliciting chuckles from the audience.

“Hold it!” Atomik Lad protested. “That graph is misleading.”

“Factz do not lie.”

“No, but people do. What you forgot to mention is that the damage you allege to be the fault of us heroes wouldn’t even be an issue if you villains weren’t constantly trying to take over or destroy the city. Your line is so low because we’ve always managed to stop you before your plans succeed.”

“So sayz you. All I know iz that theze damagez were not cauzed until one of you moronz arrived on the zcene utterly
ruining my brilliantly nefariouz scheme!
Ahem. It might have been pozzible to change my mind on thiz matter, but I do not see a handy graph illuztrating your point, therefore I shall not lizten to you.”

“Shut up and let her talk!” a journalist barked.

“Yeah! Way to graph, No-graph!” the unbiased press heckled.

“What is wrong with you people?! She’s a
villain!”
Atomik Lad said.

No reaction.

“She tried to dislodge Antarctica last year and float it into tropical waters so it would melt and flood Metroville while simultaneously driving the price of ice cubes through the roof
thus
making her a multi-millionaire thanks to an investment in a Warehouse O’ Ice that was located safely inland.”

Still nothing.

“She threatened every one of
your lives!
And she would’ve made good on that threat if not for Nuke, Norman, and me bustin’ in on her headquarters.”

“At an approximate cozt of seventy thouzand dollarz I might add.”

“And how much would it have cost had you melted Antarctica?”

“The queztion iz non sequitur since Metroville would no longer exizt and would therefore be exempt from payment of any damagez cauzed.”

“She’s got a point,” a random journalist near the front said.

“No she doesn’t! Okay, fine. What about the impact on the environment? What would the ecological cost be?”

“That would be impozzible to calculate with current data, therefore the point iz moot.”

Atomik Lad sat down, exasperated.

“Of courze, if I had some funding, say from some part of the federal or local governmentz, then I could conduct a very thorough study of exactly what impactz such a brilliant act of villainy would have upon the globe and all of itz pathetic vermin citizenz who would bow down before me.”

“
Look
at her!” Atomik Lad pointed furiously as he yelled. “She’s trying to do it again! Using city funds! She’s pure evil!”

The ex-sidekick was booed into submission.

“Take it easy, Sparky,” Norman said. “We’ll get through this. We always do. Nuke’ll be outta jail before you know it and we’ll put Menace behind bars. You’ll see.”

“I don’t know. I have a bad feeling about this.”

“Now, I am the firzt to admit that the city iz plagued by a few mizguided ne’er-do-wellz and that they muzt be punished,” Menace continued. “Az such, I further propoze the inztallment of a
new
Hero to replaze our previouz batch.”

“But,” the mayor spoke up as if on cue. “Could any one hero be able to effectively combat all of Metroville’s villainous elements and still be cost-effective to Mr. and Mrs. Taxpayer?”

“Mozt Certainly. Chim-Chim?”

“Chim-Chim!” Norman cried once more. “Menace, you’ll pay for what you’ve done!” he again threatened while restrained by his comrades.

Chim-Chim pushed a huge glass cylinder out of the curtains. Inside it was an impenetrable cloud of sickly green
something
with a darker, sicker, greener blob roughly the shape of a man in the center.

Menace smiled. “Ladiez and gentlemen of the prezz, I give you Metroville’z newezt Hero!” She pushed a button near the cylinder’s base. Servo motors whirred and the audience gasped with anticipation. A line appeared straight down the middle of the cylinder. The two halves separated and a green haze emanated from the breach. A silvery boot stepped out and was soon accompanied by another. The cameras were already flashing as the emerald smoke seemed to magically whisk itself away to reveal a tall, well-built man with short, curly black hair. He was dressed in a mostly red and white outfit with a silver cape and matching boots. A large, and very stylish, blue ‘S’ inside an equally stylish white star adorned his muscular chest. His brown eyes shone with a mischievous quality that only added to the impact of his boyishly innocent yet confident smile. He was a rogue with a heart of gold. He was painted from every romance novel cover and dressed up in spandex.

“Superion!” he announced. “The Crimson Crusader, the Defender of the Downtrodden, the Aegis Against Evil. In short: The way of the future.” He posed, but without the arrogance or gross effort that seemed to slop all over Nuklear Man when he posed. And somehow, this subtlety made Superion’s pose all the more potent. With a smile that told you he was your best friend and a wink that told you he was that favorite uncle who would take you out for ice cream instead of dinner when babysitting you as a child, he instantly wooed the audience. The women swooned and the men wanted to invite him over to watch whatever Big Game was playing that week.

“Wow, he’s pretty cool,” Norman said. “Dig that cape, how it moves lightly in some breeze that isn’t even here.”

“Feh,” Atomik Lad said. “Nuke does that.” Although, in the back of his mind, he had to admit there was just that certain
Something
about the way Superion’s did it.

“Aye. And that outfit. That ain’t no regular spandex. That be fancy spandex. Lookit the texture, it’s a testament to style and functionality.”

“Superion is numbaa one Joe for Heroing.”

Atomik Lad grumbled. “Big damn deal. Stupid jerk is just an attention hog. They’ll stop drooling over him once the newness has worn off. They’ll start to resent how arrogant his complete lack of arrogance is and then they’ll come crawling back to Nuke.”

“We are now opening the floor to queztionz.”

All the distinguished news people shot their arms into the air yelling things like, “Ooh ooh, me! Pick me, pick me! I’m ever so justified by your attention!”

“Whoa now, kids,” Superion said with a jovial smile. “One at a time, huh? I may have Superior Powers™, but I sure can’t answer a hundred questions at once.” He gave a half-empty laugh that mirrored the only one television journalists are capable of.

The audience was instantly at ease.

“Wow, he sure does have a way with an audience,” Norman whispered.

“Hai. Ways and means of audience like river throughout with watering.”

“Aye. That Nuklear Man never could get their attention like that. It was always, ‘Ooh, lookit me! Ah’m Nuuklear Man. Ladeedah. Lookit me muscles and how they make wee Angus over there loook like he’s microscoopic!’
Bah!”

“Oh, c’mon,” Atomik Lad said with enough disdain to power a car at highway speeds. “So he’s a little charismatic. Let’s see how far that gets him in the field. You know, I don’t even mind that we’ve been decommissioned because now we’ll have more time to get Nuke out of jail while this jerk is stuck doing all the heroing by himself. I give him five minutes out there before our overvillain freaks send him packing.”

“Let’s start the questioning with you, Cupcake,” Superion said to a newswoman in the front row.

“Oh my, I-I don’t know what to say!” she said, all a’fluster with embarrassment.

“Just speak from the heart, Pretty Lady,” he advised with a non-threatening wink.

“Oh, well. Do you have a girlfriend?” she asked with a nervous giggle.

Atomik Lad rolled his eyes.

“Well,” Superion answered with a charming smile. “Let’s just say I’m available Friday night,” he said with a coy wink.

“I’m gonna be sick,” the ex-sidekick grumbled.

“Okay, how about you, Chief? What’s your question?” Superion asked a newsman somewhere in the middle of the already adoring crowd.

“Um,” a newsman in the second row said. “What do you think of the decision at yesterday’s trial?”

“I gotta tell ya. I think justice was served. I really do. The people of Metroville, who are the gosh darned best people in the whole wide world, deserve a hero and not a self-appointed despot. I think I’m just the man for that job.”

“We know you are, Superion!” an excited fan in the back of the room said. His sentiment was met by cheers from the rest of the audience.

Superion smiled bashfully. “Oh, c’mon, you guys. Cut it out.”

“You’re the best, Superion!”

“We love you!”

“Superion for mayor!”

“I might take you up on that,” Superion said with a thoughtful glance at the Mayoral Seal on the podium.

Incompetent Bureaucrat quivered with fear.

“Just kidding, Mayor,” Superion said with a thumbs up. The audience loved every second of it.

“I can’t
believe
this!” Atomik Lad yelled at everyone.

“Is he still here?” one journalist whispered to another.

“We don’t know anything about this guy!” Atomik Lad said. “He tosses out a bunch of smooth talk and you’re all eating it up like you’ve known him all your lives! He’s just a fast talkin’ pretty boy! Can’t you see that he’s nothing more than an evil pawn of Dr. Menace?!”

The crowd looked to him momentarily. It was a stare as blank as a powered down monitor. They turned back to Superion with admiring smiles.