Oak, Sophie - Siren Beloved [Texas Sirens 4] (Siren Publishing Ménage Everlasting) (4 page)

Jack broke into a long laugh. “I can think of a couple, old friend.”

“I suppose you can, Jackson.” Julian looked at Jack. “It’s going to be okay. Have I ever let you down?”

Jack sobered quickly. “No. Not once. It’s not you I’m worried about.”

The big cowboy finally picked up his fork, and Julian began talking about innocuous things. Aidan sat back and promised himself he was done with letting the people he loved down. He’d lost Lexi and Lucas. He’d lost his music career. He’d damn near lost his life. He stared down at his left hand. It didn’t work the way it used to. He couldn’t handle a guitar anymore, but he could wield a paddle and a whip. He could work his ranch and bring in money. He could give Lucas and Lexi what they needed.

It was time to take his life back.

* * * *

Lexi relaxed back in the comfy chair Leo kept in his office. Despite being The Club’s resident leather clad Dom, his office was a little oasis of Zen. He kept bamboo plants around the space, and it was painted in soothing, muted colors. There was a fountain on the wall that made the whole thing look like a waterfall. Everything about the office said calm, cool, sane.

Yep, Leo was a shrink.

And she had to convince him she wasn’t crazy.

“I’m not crazy, you know,” Lexi said, hating the silence.

Leo, on the other hand, seemed perfectly willing to let it go on forever. She felt stupid the moment the words left her mouth. Yeah, that was the way to work it. He’d never heard those words before.

“I know, Lexi.” Leo sat back in the chair across from her, negligently planting one leg over the other. He was dressed casually, and his hair was still wet as though he’d just come from a shower. He was ridiculously handsome, with long dark hair that reached his shoulders and piercing blue eyes. He had a military bearing that no amount of letting his hair grow out could cover. He reminded her of…nope, she wasn’t going to go there.

“Then why am I stuck in Shrinkville?” Sarcasm was a familiar hideaway.

“I prefer to think of this as two friends talking a few things out.”

Yeah, she wasn’t buying that. “Two friends, where one has the power to shut the other one out of a place that’s incredibly important to her?”

He pinned her with what she was coming to think of as his shrink gaze. It was slightly different from his Dom gaze. The shrink gaze just made her feel dumb. The Dom gaze made her feel like a dummy who was about to get her ass whipped. “Is it? Is The Club important to you? Or is it just Lucas?”

Wasn’t that a question she’d asked herself a lot in the beginning? She’d been curious but unsure of what she wanted. Aidan walking out on her had made her question a lot of things. “When I started coming here, I came because Lucas loved it.”

“Was that the only reason?”

Honesty. It was all he would accept, and she’d known Leo for too long to expect to be able to lie to him. He was known as a human lie detector. Nothing got past those blue eyes. “No. I was curious, but I wasn’t in love with the idea. Lucas and I met at my stepfather’s ranch. We quickly became friends, best friends. I relied on Lucas like I’ve never relied on anyone else. After we became closer, I wanted to be in every part of his life. He loved this place, so I decided I should give it a try. I came because I needed him, and I was worried if I didn’t come with him, he would meet someone.”

Leo nodded as though pleased with her answer. “I can see where that would worry you. Do you feel more secure in the way Lucas feels about you now?”

She felt a little smile cross her face. Lucas was her anchor. “I feel secure with Lucas.”

Those eyes of his widened expectantly. “But?”

There was always that nasty “but.” “But I wonder if I’m what Lucas needs.”

“In what way?”

Oh, so many ways. How did she even start to count them? Lucas was a professional. He was an up-and-coming lawyer. Lexi worked in a gallery because she couldn’t make herself do what she really wanted to do. She settled on the obvious. “Lucas is a switch. I can’t top him. I don’t even want to, Leo.”

“Of course you don’t. You’re a sub, sweetheart. At least when it comes to sex.” He leaned forward. “Would it help at all to know that I fully believe Lucas would bury those needs in order to be with you?”

Lucas had already given up too much for her. “No. I don’t want Lucas to compromise himself for me.”

Leo laughed, a warm little sound. “I sometimes forget how young you are, but then you say something like that. So much of life is about compromise, but that word is anathema to the young folks.”

“I’m not exactly a baby, Leo. I’m twenty-six and, quite frankly, I’ve been through enough stinking trauma in my life that I’m practically a walking tabloid. First, I get my poor mom kicked out of town by simply being conceived. I had to watch her scrimp and fight for everything she gave me. Then my stepdad gets cancer, and I have to watch her lose him. Then she finds a crazy threesome, and my new stepdad gets shot by my grandma, who has a heart attack and dies on the spot. My fiancé leaves me, but only after telling me I’m a freak and then I lose—well, I lose my damn mind.” God, she’d almost said it. She couldn’t say it. Her heart pounded as she shoved the memory aside. “It didn’t help that last year some asswipe kidnapped me to get to Lucas. Just once I would love to be nearly kidnapped and killed on my own merits. I can be a bitch, you know. I get fired all the time.”

He laughed out loud. “I know the feeling, sweetheart. You’ve been through a lot. I get that. What I want to know is how playing with Lucas helps you deal with that.”

This whole conversation was starting to irritate her. She’d thought this would be the easy portion of her penance. Taking a few licks from the mysterious Master A was starting to look like a breeze compared to dealing with Leo. “Shouldn’t you be the one telling me that? Isn’t this like your specialty?”

“I would rather hear it from you.”

“Fine.” She groped for words. How did she say this without sounding like a lunatic? “Look, when I’m here, I don’t have to think. I don’t have to worry. I don’t even have to be me if I don’t want to. That came out wrong. I don’t have to be the me I have to be all day.”

“I understand that. Your mask can come off. We all feel like that, Lexi. Contrary to popular belief, I think being able to feel safe enough to be the person we enjoy being is the number one reason people get involved with the lifestyle, but I think it’s more than simple pleasure for you. I’ve watched your sessions with Lucas.”

Damn him. “Lucas is a little intense.”

“Lucas isn’t the intense one. You push him. There have been times you’ve pushed him to the point that I was ready to stop the scene. Have you ever used your safe word?”

A stubborn hostility settled over her. She hated the judgment in his voice. “No. I haven’t had to. Lucas wouldn’t hurt me.”

“Oh, but you would hurt yourself, Lexi, and that’s what worries me. Do you think you’re the first sub I’ve seen who uses physical pain to relieve emotional pain? I don’t have a real problem with it, if it works and it’s done in a safe fashion. I don’t know that Lucas is the right Dom for you. Lucas would do anything to give you what you need, but he doesn’t stop when you go too far. Watching the two of you can be painful at times. You push Lucas to dominate you. Yet when he tries to actually dominate you, you shove him back. You pick the scenes, am I correct?”

Lexi shrugged. She didn’t really see anything wrong with that. She was the one getting her ass whipped. “I have certain things I like. Lucas indulges me.”

“Lucas is never really in control of those scenes and that worries me. I don’t know that he would stop you even if he thought you were going too far. He would simply go over the edge with you.”

“Don’t be a drama queen, Leo. I’m not going over the edge of anything, and I’m certainly not taking Lucas with me.”

The shrink’s face suddenly became a Dom’s face. His jaw firmed, and an almost icy atmosphere emanated from the man. “If you aren’t going to take this seriously, then we have nothing further to talk about.”

She sniffled. She was doing it again. She was pushing away the people who gave a damn because it was easier than dealing with her own shit. “I’m sorry. This is just hard to talk about. I’m not trying to drag Lucas down with me. I love him. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Leo relaxed. “I would like to talk to you about your fiancé. You mentioned him before. Why did you cancel your wedding?”

“It just didn’t work out.” She said it as politely as she could, but she didn’t want to go there. Aidan was in the past.

It wasn’t like she still felt him next to her at night. It wasn’t like she longed for the way she’d felt when he pinned her and spread her legs. Aidan had been so overpowering and dominant that she’d never been able to think of anything but him when they made love. Had sex, she corrected herself mentally. It couldn’t have really been love on his part, or he wouldn’t have left her. He wouldn’t have forced her to choose between him and Lucas.

I am not living this freaky life with you, Lexi. I can’t believe you got me to do that last night. I…my father is a freaking church elder. What the hell would he think?

Why does it matter?
Lexi had asked, trying to keep her voice low. Lucas was still sleeping.
Why does it matter what anyone besides the three of us thinks?

Welcome to the real world. I have a career, and it doesn’t include fucking your best friend. I’m a country western musician. Do you know any bisexual country stars? Do you know what it could have cost me? What it still could cost me if anyone ever finds out? Choose, Lexi. Him or me.

Lexi shook it off. She didn’t need to remember that moment. “Aidan and I didn’t work out. It’s all right. Lucas and I are right for each other.”

She hated the hesitation in her voice. She loved Lucas. She loved him so much her heart ached with it, but she did wonder if they were right. She had caused Lucas a lot of trouble. Wasn’t it just a matter of time until he figured out she wasn’t worth it?

“What just went through your head, Lexi?” Leo studied her for a moment. “I would really like to know.”

She was stubbornly silent.

“Lexi, have you ever considered the fact that I can help you? Have you thought about the fact that you might need to talk about these things?”

“You’ll just say that I don’t belong here. You’ll just decide that I’m crazy.”

Leo ran hand through his hair as he sat back. “I thought that might be the reason. Listen, I can think you’re a little crazy and not kick you out of this club. Unlike some of my colleagues, I recognize that certain people live in a different reality. As long as it doesn’t threaten their enjoyment of life, why is it wrong? Let me share something personal with you, and maybe you’ll feel more comfortable with me. I was raised in Colorado, in a little town called Del Norte. My mom still lives there. It was me and my mom and my brother. My father, whoever he was, ran out before my brother was born. My mother is clinically insane. She firmly believes that my brother and I are the offspring of her encounters with aliens.”

Lexi wondered how many people knew this about the perfectly put-together Dom. Leo Meyer was always in control. “That must have been rough on you.”

He smiled, perfectly open. “I had a lovely childhood. My mother is a wonderful woman. With the singular exception of her insistence that I needed beets on a daily basis, I couldn’t have asked for more in a mom. She is an incredibly loving woman. She made sure I got everything I needed though she rarely had enough for herself. She raised me to be a gentleman. She was funny and taught me how to fish and hunt. She was brutally upset when both my brother and I joined the Navy, but she wrote both of us all the time. Here’s my point, my mother has a different view of reality than most people do, but she is capable of giving and receiving love. That is what constitutes real sanity in my mind, Lexi. Why do you think I only practice here? I’m on the outside of my profession in this belief, but I stand firm. Loving other people, treating them with love and true kindness and having a heart that is open to accepting the love given to us—this is far more important than an arbitrary reality. Can you truly accept that Lucas loves you?”