October song (18 page)

was.

I’ll be in prayer for you . ‘bout this,” I said softly.

Eyes glistening now, she nodded her head, unable to speak.

“God knows where your future and

Dat’s — is to be.”

She pulled out a kitchen chair and sat next to me this time. We smiled silently at each other, her lower lip quivering as she reached for her teacup.

I took one more sand tart, marveling at

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its delicate thinness. Never hadminecome out so perfectly. “I must havethisrecipe, too.“Iwent on to say that I’d been making sand tarts for years but failed in comparison to her special touch.

Quietly, she began to list the ingredients—sayin’ what she did and how she did it

all of that. And not once did she complain or stop me from takin’ notes. Not this time. Pen in hand, I scribbled across the paper, like a chicken scratching the gut, clean earth. I was ever so glad for this visit. Mare’s willingness to share her openness. We’d come such a long way, the two us, togetherandindependently. I could only hope and pray that Annie and I might have such a straightforward mother-daughter relationship when she was all grown-up and married.

Jah, this was the way I’d always wished it might be, sittin’ here with the sun’s rays circling round us, and crisp burnt-orange leaves fallin’ silently off the trees, one family recipe after another spilling off Mare’s lips.

Then, when it was clear that she was too tired to go on, I went lookin’ for Dat.

I found him in the parlor, shades drawn low. “Wouldja care for an afternoon treat?” I asked.

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His eyes smiled up at me. With a grunt, he got out of his chair and came with me, joining us in the cheerful kitchen. There, I offered him some of Mam’s wonderful-gut sand tarts and poured him a cup of honey-sweetened tea.

238Grasshopper Level

Acres of rich farmland spilled down to ward the valley, a panorama of beauty far as the eye could see. Oak trees sang the colors of gold and bronze. Sugar maples wore flaming crimson, their portly arms extended out over the lane ….

— fromThe Redemption of Sarah Cain

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The Courtship of Lgddie Cottrell

I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is

— Song of Solomon 6:3

Lydia dearly loved Levi King. The sun rose and set on her love for him. But there had been days here lately when Lyddie honestly wondered if she was the right choice for Levi. And, too, her younger brothers and sisters

Caleb, Anna Mae, Josiah, and Hannah were still just getting used to

Aunt Sarah moving in, becomin’ their new mamma. Not to mention Uncle Bryan becoming their father figure almost overnight, him having married Mamma’s deceased fancy “English” sister-Sarah Cain-just last May.

Whatwouldhappen if she wed Levi next month, leaving behind the siblings she’d so cared for and loved since Mamma’s heavenly home going?Will they feel abandoned?she sometimes wondered. She lay awake

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nights long after Aunt Sarah and Uncle Bryan had turned off the lights and taken themselves off to bed. Sometimes she stared at the window in the far wall of her own bedroom, just a-pondering her siblings’ future. Truth be known, brooding ‘bout her own future, too.

In the past month or so, her seven-year-old sister Hannah had become mighty insecure. Clingy, really. And it wasn’t that Hannah hadn’t taken to Aunt Sarah; Lydia didn’t thinkthatwas the problem at all. Hannah’s insecurity had more to do with all the talk of Lyddie’s marriage to Levi.

Just last week, Lyddie and Aunt Sarah had been drying dishes together, casually discussin’ the wedding dinner menu, when—unknown to either of them Hannah was standing in the doorway, listening.

Lyddie spotted her youngest sister there, seeing her lower lip protruding sadly. “Well, what’s this?” she asked, going to Hannah and squatting down next to her.

Hannah said nothing but buried her head in Lyddie’s shoulder, holdin’ on to her ever so tight. And later that night, Hannah had insisted that Lyddie tuck her into bed, whispering that she didn’t want Lyddie to go off and marry “that Levi King.”

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“You’ll be just fine here with Aunt Sarah and Uncle Bryan. They love you much.” She’d tried to soothe Hannah’s fears as she plumped the small pillow, Hannah’s arms limp as can be outside the sheet. “Caleb, Josiah, and Anna Mae will be here with you, too, don’t forget.”

Still, no matter what Lyddie said or did to try ‘n’ calm her sister, the little girl was sad. And the sadder Hannah became, the harder it was for Lyddie to enjoy her courtin’ days. Truth be told, not only did Hannah have worries ‘bout Lyddie’s up coming marriage, Lyddie herself was nursing a few fears of her own.

When she talked things over with her dear friend, Fannie didn’t seem to under stand at all. “Sounds like you’ve got cold feet,” Fannie said. And this after Lyddie had gone so far as to reveal her most per sonal fears, at a time when she’d felt shehadto confide or burst, one or the other.

They’d gone for a walk, takin’ in the spicy autumn bouquet that rose up out of the soil and into the air all round them. Grasshopper Level the area where Lyddie’s parents’ family home was located

had a special glow ‘bout it this time of year. She’d first noticed it when she was much younger. Ten or eleven, maybe. Back

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when Mamma was alive and healthy, enjoying a mornin’ walk with the children down to the one-room school. Peach Lane School, ‘twas called. The very schoolhouse where Lyddie was now a teacher.

‘Course, all that was ‘bout to change, since the People didn’t allow young women to continue on as teachers once they were married. The idea being’, the bride must set her sights on husband, housework, and bearing children soon as possible.

“Am I the only bride-to-be who has wondering fears, I ‘spect you could say?” she asked Fannie.

“I wouldn’t know firsthand, but from what I’ve heard from my older sisters, therearetimes when a person questions a decision to marry, no matter how long ago ‘twas made.”

Lyddie thought on that. She’d promised to marry handsome and thoughtful Levi King back last February. Promised never to hurt him again, which, sadly, she had done before. “Levi has no idea what I’m tellin’ you,” she admitted.

Fannie, tall and thin, glanced sideways at her. “Fears or no, Levi’s the boy for you. First time I heard you two were goin’ home from Singing together, I was sure you and Levi would end up together,

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prob’ly. He’s as gut as gold. The bishop thinks so, too.”

Gu as gold..

Jah, she’d heard the same thing said ‘bout her beloved. “I just wish I could share with him the way I do with you.”

Fannie sighed so loud Lyddie wondered what that was all ‘bout. “If I were you, I wouldn’t worry ‘bout talkin’ out everything on your heart just now. Save some of it for after you’re married.”

They stopped walking, standing in full sun now, enjoying the warmth of it. For a moment, Lyddie wished she were barefooted. Looking past Fannie to the rolling hills below them, she said, “I think of Mamma so often, ya know. Prob’ly too much these days. When Dat died, I think something tore loose inside Mamma. Her heart must’ve stopped workin’ that very day. Took several years for it to catch up with her . . killing her in the end.”

“Aw, Lyddie, for goodness’ sake. Why do ya talk so?”

“I was the one who saw how Mamma suffered when Dat went on to Glory. Nobody knows …”

“What’s that got to do with you marryin’ or not marryin’ Levi?” Fannie stared hard at her.

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Mamma’s and don’t know till it’s too late?” Lydia paused, realizing she’d revealed the deepest fear of her heart, here on the open road, under the blue arch of sky.

“I don’t put two and two together and get four,” Fannie retorted. “I still don’t see what you’re so worried ‘bout.”

“Mamma died at a young age.., maybe I will, too. That would break Levi’s heart and our children’s, too, just the way it’s hurt my brothers and sisters … and me.”

“You’re not thinkin’ clearly today,” Fannie said.

“Maybe not.” Lyddie was hurt. Her friend didn’t understand one iota.

They walked down the road in utter si lence, back toward her farmhouse, where Fannie’s parents’ carriage was parked in the side yard, the mare waiting in the barn.

Should’ve keptmyfears to myself,Lyddie thought. Yet she knew Fannie to be trust worthy. Jah, it was all right that she poured out her woes — real or otherwise — to her friend.

“I’ll be in prayer for ya, Lyddie,” Fannie said when they arrived at the end of the lane.

“Denki, I’m glad for that.” The girls em braced quickly, then Fannie headed up to

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the barn to get the horse.

tyddie stood beside the buggy, waiting to help Fannie hitch up. While she did, she noticed Aunt Sarah peeking out through the window, prob’ly wondering why the girls had needed to be gone so long. Fact was, Lyddie needed to bare her soul. She just couldn’t get the memory of Mamma’s death out of her mind. How wouldLevifeel if he lostherto heart failure? How would he feel if she didn’t tell him such a disease might run in the family? It almost seemed better for Levi never to marry her, whom he loved so awful much, than to lose his wife to premature death. The more she thought on it, the more she wondered if Levi himself had considered any of this. Yet her beloved had never voiced anything such as this on their rides in his courting buggy. Never once.

“Oh, what’s-a-matter with me?” she whispered, watching Fannie lead the horse down through the barnyard toward the buggy. “Why must I worry so?”

“Is something troubling you, Lyddie?” Aunt Sarah asked the next day before any of the children or Uncle Bryan had come downstairs for breakfast.

The sun was already squeezing its bright

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yellow head through the grove of trees out to the east, sending gleaming rays across the big yard and down toward the spring house.

Standing in the front window, Lyddie gazed hard at the landscape. “Soon we’ll be unpacking the comforters and quilts for the winter, won’t we?” she said.

Aunt Sarah was still, saying not a word. Lyddie was glad for that. Not much of what was comin’ out of her own mouth these days made much sense. Whatdidcomforters and quilts getting them out of attic trunks have to do with her mood? Truth was, she was starting to feel the pressure of time hard upon her. Her and Levi’s wedding day was fast ap proaching, just weeks from now.

“I’m befuddled,” she confessed. “Mamma would say I have the jitters, is

all. But I think it may be more than

that.”

Aunt Sarah moved to stand next to her in the window. “It’s hard to know what someone else might say to you. But I re member clearly how difficult it was for me to say yes to marriage.”

Surprised, Lyddie turned to look into her aunt’s face. “Really, ‘twas?”

“No one knows how I struggled.” Her

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aunt paused, putting her arm around Lyddie’s shoulder. “I knew in my heart Bryan was the man for me, but I fought it for many years.”

She wouldn’t ask her aunt — wasn’t any of Lyddie’s business, really what the struggle was. Didn’t need to. The look of empathy on Sarah’s perty face was enough. The two women shared a common bond.

Aunt Sarah asked, “When you think of Levi, do you ever consider what your life would be without him . or his without you? If you weren’t being courted, plan ning to be Levi’s wife, how would you feel right now?”

“I think that way sometimes.” Lydia wouldn’t go on to say what her reasoning was for doing so.

How Aunt Sarah knew anything of the battle goin’ on inside her, Lyddie did not know. Her mamma’s fancy sister, all dolled up in makeup and curled hair, wearing English clothes well, Sarah had somehow seen right through to Lyddie’s wavering.

“You know I’m here to help,” Aunt Sarah said before the two of them shuffled into the kitchen and started cookin’ break fast.

A better mother substitute Lyddie could

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not imagine. It was somehow uncanny, really, this connection she shared with her mother’s sister, an outsider who showed no interest in joining church or livin’ the Plain life. She and Bryan conducted their lives like fancy folk. Aunt Sarah worked as a real estate agent during the day, and Uncle Bryan was a computer systems analyst, sometimes traveling, sometimes not. They saw to it that Lyddie and her siblings attended the New Order Amish church. But after dropping them off at the meetinghouse, Uncle Bryan and Aunt Sarah headed over to a community church near Strasburg, where they worshiped, then returned in time to pick Lyddie and the children up for Sunday dinner. So far the system was working out all right, though Lyddie felt peculiar riding in a car on the Lord’s Day. Still, there wasn’t much she or her brothers and sisters could do. Sometimes things just had to be the way they were. Mamma wouldn’t have minded all that much. A practical sort of woman, Mamma put her children first, right after God, but up there with the bishop’s rulings and the preacher’s admonishments. One of the reasons why Aunt Sarah was their stepmother now was because Mamma knew her sister would love and

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care for her nieces and nephews with all diligence.

“Let me know if you want to talk again,” Aunt Sarah said in the kitchen, amid waffle making and egg frying.

“I wish Levi and I could talk things over,” she replied.

“Well, why not?”

She didn’t tell Aunt Sarah what Fannie had said. That it was bestnotto share so deeply with a beau before the wedding. Be sides, Levi would be coming over this Sunday night, after supper. She would ask the Lord to guide her long before then.

Last Sunday evening they’d sat on the couch side by side, taking turns reading to each other. Lyddie ‘specially liked the book of Psalms, and she’d put extra expression into her voice. ” ‘Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised in the city of our God, in the mountain of his holiness. Beautiful for situation, the joy of the whole earth, is mount Zion, on the sides of the north, the city of the great King.’ “

“Sounds like poetry,” Levi had said. “You make the reading sound so . . well, so perty.” With this compliment, Levi’s face, not Lyddie’s, blushed several shades of red.