Off the Cuff

Table of Contents

 

 

 

Published by Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
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Published by Dutton, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

 

First printing, September 2004

 

Copyright © 2004 by Carson Kressley

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eISBN : 978-1-101-49558-2

 

Set in Dante

 

 

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SETTING: Garden of Eden

 

 

EVE

 

Adam, you're wearing that fig leaf ...
again
? Are you kidding me? That is so tired!

 

And so, fashion was born.

 

And here we are, all these years later, and straight men still have no idea what to wear. Over the last couple of years, I've spent a lot of time in the closets of straight America. Now I've been in the closet myself for a while, but it was never
that
scary, people.

 

I'm serious. It's a mad, mad world out there. There are more athletic jerseys than there are men. Polyester is threatening to take over the world. Men actually think they look good in mock turtlenecks and pleated khakis. So while someone else is looking out for the rain forests, I've got to look out for wardrobes across the land.

 

How did we get into this tragic situation? Well, it wasn't always like this. Not that long ago, the world was a much simpler place because fashion was very regimented.

 

There was specific clothing for certain things. Most men had uniforms for work, whether it was an actual uniform or a suit and tie, and sportswear for things like hunting and skiing. Like cavemen teaching their sons to hunt bison and make fire, it was a rite of passage for fathers to take their sons to Brooks Brothers to buy their first blue blazer. Fathers taught sons how to tie ties and pick suits and shoes.

 

And then somewhere along the line—when those pesky cellphones and the Internet became popular?—we became a very mobile society and all those conformities fell by the wayside. Suddenly you could work from your home in your pajamas and fuzzy slippers and nobody knew. (If they did they probably wouldn't be giving you their money to invest in pork bellies and cultured diamonds.) You could get on a plane in a tank top, ripped shorts, and flip-flops and nobody would look twice at you. Fathers stopped teaching their sons the rules because there
were
no rules anymore.

 

So we have a whole generation of guys who have absolutely no idea how to dress. And to make matters worse, at the same time there's been an explosion in the number of clothing choices out there, from outlet malls to the Internet. It would be like if you were trying to learn to make a cheese omelet and the only guidance you were given is, “Okay, here are 90 million ingredients. Make something tasty and delicious, but we're not going to tell you how.” You'd get frustrated and overwhelmed. You'd experiment and make a lot of mistakes. Like when you thought you were totally cool and bought those acid-washed jeans in the eighties, but it was actually the nineties?

 

That's where I come in. I'm here, I'm queer, and I can help you. I was going to rescue abused teacup yorkies, but then I realized there weren't any, so straight men it is! I think they're cute and adorable and lovable, like abandoned puppies at the animal shelter. A straight guy is kind of like a little bird who's fallen out of a tree, until a straight woman or a gay man picks him up and says “Look at you! You're the cutest little thing! You have a broken wing, but we'll take you to Gucci and you'll be just fine.”

 

So think of me as your very own fashion fairy godstylist, here to take you on the magical journey to build a better you, starting with an improved wardrobe. I want to demystify the process, because there's nothing to be afraid of. Absolutely everyone can dress well. And it doesn't have to be scary. It's not like you're doing a home pregnancy test here, people. I want to show you that looking great is easy and fun—just like NASCAR and televised bass fishing. Okay, well, maybe not that much fun.

Now, some of you may have seen me wearing some pretty out there things on TV, and you're thinking, “Why should I listen to
him
??
”
Fear not. This is all about “Do as I say, not as I do.” I wear clothes that are appropriate for my life as a gay reality makeover TV celebutante. I've been known to take my shirt off and go dancing at the Roxy till three in the morning on Saturdays. Most straight guys don't, so my personal style is going to be different from yours. I hope. Or you're going to be in for a big surprise next time you go to San Francisco. I'm going to recommend things that will help you get in touch with your own personal style and make
you
look great.

 

But before I tell you just how fabulous I can make you, you might want to know just how fabulous I am. Just kidding! But you might want to know where I come from and why I can help you: I was born a poor black child in the parking lot of a Kmart in Decatur, Alabama . . . Actually, I was born and raised in
Allentown
, Pennsylvania. I was practically Amish. Can you believe this much style came from Allentown? Which just goes to prove my theory that it doesn't matter where you come from; it only matters where you're going. Just because you're from a certain place, or you're black or white or straight or gay doesn't mean you can't become who you want to be. Don't dream it, be it, people! Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself!

 

But growing up gay in a blue-collar town like Allentown—and here's where I get serious for a moment—you realize that you're different, but you don't really know why or how. I mean, when you grow up poor, odds are your parents and siblings are poor, too, so you can go home and commiserate and fight over some government cheese or whatever. But when you grow up gay, you're like “Why do I have a crush on Lee Majors and nobody else in the first grade does? Why is my copy of
Dynamite
! magazine stuck together?” You're an outsider in many ways, so you turn a little more inward and focus on your self a little more. Because you don't have any friends. Ha, ha, ha! (Good times! Good times!) And that gives you a little perspective.

 

So I know what it's like not to feel good about yourself, and I also know how great it can feel to finally embrace who you really are. That's what I want to help people do—be confident and enjoy who you are. (Are you a jean or a khaki? Maybe you're a Jackie. But that's another book.)

 

Anyway, I was definitely not born wrapped in a Prada blanket. My dad's in the car business and my mom is the child of dairy farmers in rural Pennsylvania. But the other big influences on my life were my paternal grandparents, who were in the horse business. As we got older, my sister and I got more and more involved in equestrian sports. The horse world is a very, very glamorous one, and one filled with fabulous clothes and rich heritage. By the time I was fifteen, I was traveling all over the United States showing horses at national competitions. I met sophisticated people who lived in big cities. I met movie stars and the heads of major corporations. I met gay people. I was seeing all these amazing clothes that they didn't have at the Chess King at the Lehigh Valley mall. I was like, “Wow, there's something else out there.”

 

After I graduated from Gettysburg College in 1991, I took a job with the Equestrian Federation of the United States so I could move to New York. But after a few years there I learned that man cannot live on nonprofit wages alone. One day when I was working out at the gym in some super preppy outfit, carrying a Ralph Lauren plaid basketball from the holiday '94 gift catalog—I bought something like ninety gallons of fragrance to get it for free—I was approached by a headhunter who told me I was “so Ralph Lauren.”

 

Two days later I had an interview, and in a few weeks I was a gopher for the top executives at Ralph Lauren. (Forever in the back of my brain I'll know that Ralph's brother Jerry Lauren likes his coffee black with two Sweet'n Lows at 6:45 in the morning.)

 

For the next seven years, I worked for Ralph Lauren and got to see every side of the company, from design and manufacturing to merchandising and advertising. I learned about the nuts and bolts of men's clothing: the gauge of a sweater and the thread count of a dress shirt. I visited fashion shows and fabric vendors and design houses. I got really great hands-on teaching from the masters, people like Ralph and Jerry Lauren and John Varvatos. It was such an education, better than I could have gotten in any design school.