Off the Cuff (6 page)

 

The only time pleats are acceptable (are you listening, people?) is when they're part of an old Hollywood glamour kind of suit, by a designer like Ralph Lauren, Brooks Brothers, etc. The pleats tie into the heritage of the suit. Other than that, there's just no reason for them. Ever.

 

Do not be fooled by the many pleated dress and casual pants you will find at even the best stores. They are there because people buy them, not because they look good. Please let's stop the vicious cycle—don't buy them. Thinking about the pleated pants situation makes me feel like the unhappy Indian chief in the anti-littering campaigns of the seventies, standing on a heap of garbage with one single, sad, glycerine tear running down his leathery sun-damaged cheek.

 

Okay, I've styled it out and I feel so much better now that that's out in the open. Don't you? Okay. Let's move on to the other ways pants should—and shouldn't—fit.

When we're talking casual pants, I like to see little or no break, which means that the pants should cover the top of your shoe when standing. We should not see excess fabric pooling around the ankles, nor should there be an Urkel-esque overexposure of sock. This keeps pants looking neat and smart. If they're really, really long and you're dragging them on the ground, you're just going to look dirty and schlubby and unkempt, and you'll ruin your pants.

 

For dress pants, I also like very little break, but leave it up to your tailor. The hems should be slightly angled, so that the front of the pant is a smidge shorter than the back. You want the front to land just on or above your shoe, and you want the back of the hem to just touch the top of the heel of your shoe. That means your pants should cover the entire back of your shoe, except the heel.

 

Most good quality dress pants are going to have unfinished bottoms. I know that sounds naughty, but it just means you'll have to have them hemmed. For dress pants, I like a nice clean
hem
with no cuff. Cuffs generally belong with pleated pants and we know how I feel about those—unless we're talking about certain suit cuts. (See chapter five.) A non-cuffed dress pant is just a little cleaner, a little more modern, and I think a little more sophisticated. And do not, under any circumstances, let me catch any cuffs on the bottoms of your casual pants, or I'll put you in handcuffs.

 

The waist of your pants should fit comfortably, not super tight or snug. You should be able to fit two fingers easily in the waistband.

 

It's also important that your pants sit at the right level on your waist. If they don't, you can't have them tailored properly, especially if it's a suit or a dress pant. Guys don't know where to wear their pants. Some of them have them pulled up to the sky, and others have them so low they look like a “gangsta.”

 

More than any other pants, it's essential that dress pants fit on your true waist or higher. This means that when you try them on, the waistband should fit above the hip bone, but not touching the belly button. Dress pants should not be low slung, low rise, low anything. Denim jeans should be worn low slung on the hip bone, but not so low we see your pubes.

 

A lot of guys think that the fit of pants ends with length and waist. Surprise! They also need to fit you in the rise and the seat.

 

Ther rise is the distance from the top button to your, um, “taint.” (You know—t'aint your ass and it t'aint your ... oh never mind.) Unless you're truly gifted down there—and if you are, I applaud you—pants with an extra long rise will only make you look like you're wearing Depends. I hate to see a guy with a really long rise, like when the pants are solid to his knees. Not a good look. But the converse of that is that your pants shouldn't be like a cheap hotel—no ball room. Got it? Good.

The seat obviously refers to your tush, fanny, rump, or whatever cute pet name you choose to call it behind closed doors. The seat should
fit
so that you can tell you have a butt, yet stop short of being so tight that the pants accentuate your butt
crack
. An important distinction, people.

 

Okay, so now your pants will fit you. But what
kind
of pants do you need? Everyone needs khakis, corduroys, and jeans in their closet, so let's start there. Casual pants will be the bulk of your pants wardrobe.

Right now our great nation is in the midst of a raging khaki epidemic. Everyone and their brother thought that casual Friday meant they should go out and buy ninety pairs of Dockers. With all due respect to Dockers, guys need to mix it up a bit.

 

Sure, you should absolutely have some khakis, but make sure they're not pleated. My friend Lauren Weisberger says the devil wears Prada; I think the devil wears pleated khakis. There's nothing cleaner and crisper than a nice flat-front khaki pant, except maybe an extra dry Ketel One martini. Khakis should always fit lean and mean, never baggy or bulky.

 

It's also important to remember that not all khaki is created equal. Most people don't realize there's a difference between fall and winter khaki and spring and summer khaki. Khaki for the colder seasons will come in a range of colors, from warm golden tones to browns, and will be a heavier weight. For spring and summer, your khakis should be lighter weight cotton twill, and will come in a softer color palette—bone, sand, and putty tones. Summer khakis can even be almost white. I know—crazy, isn't it?

Corduroys are just a teensy bit dressier than khakis. Think of them as a cool
alternative
to jeans. Wear them for casual Fridays, with a sweater and an oxford shirt, or on a date, in place of denim. Much like denim, there are loads of different washes and finishes available. I recommend you have a pair of corduroys in a medium wale. I know that's a scary word, but wale just refers to the actual width of the “cord” in the corduroy. A super skinny wale will look a little bit dated, and a super wide wale can tend to make you look fat. And because I know you're going to ask: Yes, you can wear cords in summer.

Jeans are an American icon, so we're going to spend a lot of time on them. And anytime you say icon, you have to think:
“classic”.
There's so much out there in denim for you to choose from, it can get almost overwhelming. But you really shouldn't be getting mixed up with all that tricky novelty fashion denim. It's only going to get you into a lot of trouble, so proceed with caution. Sure, it can be fun to try something a little different, like a pair of designer jeans with a fun wash or pocket treatment, but stuff like that comes and goes like gypsies in the night. By the time you get home with the new style, it's already over. So why take the risk? Besides, we don't want to overdo your metrosexualization. If you are a straight man, there is absolutely no reason for you to be spending $285 on a pair of designer jeans when you can get a pair of good old, traditional five-pocket, button-fly Levi's 501s instead for around $50. For most guys that's all you're ever really going to need.

 

Personally, I'm a big Levi's fan. Levi's are the Mercedes-Benz of denim. They invented the stuff and they know what they're doing. It's the real deal. Why mess with that? But Levi's don't work on everyone. Not to worry. There are many, many denim brands on the market; you just need to find the one that fits you best. So take a morning and try on all different kinds of jeans and see what works for you. Get a second opinion from your salesperson, or bring a friend—someone who'll tell you when you look fat, not phat. (You
want
to look phat, in case that wasn't clear.)

 

I don't want to get all Evita on you, dictating exactly what you should buy, but if you're going to have only one pair of jeans, I think a good choice is a classic Levi's 501 in the medium indigo wash. And then if you wear lots of denim, you can also have a dark wash pair, which tends to look a little dressier, and maybe a pair of white denim for summer. I don't like any of those fancy washes, like the ones that make you look like you just sat in wet paint or like someone just sandblasted your ass. And black denim? Nuh-uh. Best left for fashion forward clergy and Shakira, unkay?