OffsideChanceFormat2 (40 page)

Jude
sat in the corner of the oversized sectional that dominated the huge open
family room on the first floor. He wore a pair of flannel pajama pants and was
already draped in a quilt. He shrugged. He’d taken to doing that since they’d
arrived. After the rest area blow job, Jude had reverted to his old cold self,
the closer they came to Summerville the quieter he became.

As
soon as he had driven into the garage and parked beside a sleek black BMW the
warm open trusting Jude he’d come to know had almost completely disappeared.
Levi pulled in behind them and they’d unloaded all of his shit to store in one
of the empty bedrooms. While they were there, Tracy’s parents had driven over
with food and supplies. And an invitation to dinner. Will had gone alone.

Refusing
the invitation out to Tracy’s farm was one thing, but he’d slept on the
sectional the night before while Will slept in the huge king-size bed in the
master bedroom suite. Maybe Will was being touchy, after all they’d only shared
a bed a couple of nights in a row, it wasn’t like they’d moved in together
before this trip.
 

Will
muted the movie he’d put on to kill the silence that echoed in the house. He turned
to face the man who seemed to be studiously ignoring him in favor of whatever
the hell he found so fascinating on his laptop. “Don’t tell me you have work
due. Your classes are out until Wednesday. This is a holiday. A last ditch
sin-palooza before the high holy days. Why are you—”

“Look,
I don’t really need this right now.” Jude kept his voice level as he cut Will
off. He was controlled. Hell, the fucker was past controlled—he was downright
cold and getting colder with each passing minute.

“What do you need, Jude?” Will
shouldn’t care. Why the fuck did he care?

“To work. To get this finished. To move
on—”

Will’s
skin pulled tight from his scalp down to his toes at the dismal. Fear. This was
fear. “Don’t you mean go back to…you’re…” He had no idea what to say. He
couldn’t explain this feeling that this weekend would be the end. “You’re not
going back are you? You are staying here when I leave.” Jude didn’t answer. He
didn’t look at him. He continued to stare at the monitor while he ignored Will.
“Were you going to tell me? Or just let me drive off as if the last few weeks
didn’t mean anything?”

“Will
you listen to yourself?” Jude finally looked away from the computer. “What
could the last six weeks have possibly meant to you? Or to me? You sound like
some chick begging not to be dumped.”

He
felt the sting of the words as if Jude had reached across the sofa and slapped
him. God, he was being a chick. “And you’re being a dick. I knew you were a
cold son of a bitch. I just didn’t realize how cold. You come back here to this
fake world you created and… That’s it, you, Jude Brody, are a big fucking fake.
You subscribed to that ‘fake it till you make it’ bullshit and—”

“What
the hell do you know about me? Even after six weeks you don’t know anything
about me. I don’t know anything about you. And I want to keep it that way.”
Jude closed his laptop and flipped off the quilt. “It’s late, if you’re going
to watch TV down here I’ll sleep in the bedroom.” He tossed Will the quilt and
started to leave.

“Have
you ever actually slept in that bed? It doesn’t smell like you. The room is
too…spare. Your clothes aren’t even in the room. They’re in the bathroom
closet. There’s no personality anywhere in this house. You built this house for
her and you’ve been living in it like some ghost, for how long now? Did she
ever even live here?” Will shouted after him. Jude stopped walking. He didn’t
turn around. Will watched him clench his hands into fists. “Tell me about her.
Tell me why she left.”

“Because
I’m, just like you said—cold, unavailable, pick a label any label. I’m a dick,
and she couldn’t stand being with me. I don’t party like Levi does. I work, and
I come home, and I work some more. That’s the way it is.”

“You’re
not cold. Maybe, yes, you are a dick, but you’re far from cold. She wasn’t your
type. She saw your brother’s face in yours, she saw money, and the lifestyle,
she wanted the party. She wanted Levi, and she got you.”

“And
you don’t?” Jude turned around, his hands still clenched, his shoulders rigid,
anger flashing in his eyes…and hurt. “Tell me the truth: Are you living out
your Levi fantasy with me?”

“Why
in the hell would you even think that? When have I ever indicated in any way
that I have unresolved sexual fantasies starring Levi Brody?”

“You
said it yourself. I look like him.”

“And
other than looks, you and Levi are complete opposites. Nothing at all about you
reminds me of him. Even your face and your eyes are different. I don’t see Levi
when I look at you, Jude. But that’s your problem, you think you’re living in
his shadow, and you hate him for it. That girl, she was a gold digger. That one
you work with is a cleat chaser. They aren’t real. They are in it for the party
and the notoriety, the thrill of having their names linked with a professional
athlete, maybe a baby and a paycheck for rest of their lives. Women like
them…they wouldn’t understand someone like you. And before you decide to treat
me like some hostile witness or something, I’m going to say this.” He had to
drag in a breath or pass out. His hands shook.

What
the hell, since he was baring his soul, he may as well do it right. “I’m not,
nor have I ever been in love with Levi. He’s my best friend. He means
everything in the world to me, and I lost my shit when he came out as gay.
Guilty as charged, counselor. But not because I’ve been harboring this secret
crush on him. He lied to me. For years. I couldn’t forgive that, not for a long
time. My whole life has been nothing but lies, and the one person I trusted to
tell me the truth kept the biggest secret of his life from me. And on the
record, I know I’m not in love with him, because I’m in love with you.” He
shouted, confessing everything he could think of. He waited for Jude to say
something. To do something. Anything. But he just stood there, though his hands
weren’t clenched anymore at least.

Jude
narrowed his eyes, he looked as if he were in court and getting ready to cross
examine him. “You wouldn’t know love if it bit you on the ass,” He shouted back
his voice breaking on the word ‘love’.

“Then
why am I freaking out because you won’t return to New Orleans with me? Why
would I even care that you’ve quit your job and dropped your classes? Why would
it matter? Because, baby, it matters. I don’t know why it matters, and that
scares me shitless, because I don’t know why it matters. I just know that your
Jeopardy watching, neat freaking, introverted, pain in the ass ways matter.”
Will flicked the TV off leaving the room in semi-darkness and crossed the
carpet to stand in front of Jude?. He’d gotten used to looking up into Jude’s
eyes. “I told you the other night that I loved you. I have never said those
words to anyone before.”

“During
sex doesn’t count.” Jude pointed out, as he took a step back.

“It
does when I say it. Hell, I’ve never said much of anything during sex before
you. Dirty talk heats you up. You’re not cold. You’re hot as hell, and you
showed me how to make you hotter. That…I love you, Jude. I’m famous. I have
several million dollars in the bank. I can’t think of anything that you have
that would make me want to be with you, except that I
like
being with you. Sitting at the table with you talking about
insurance and stock portfolios. Seeing your eyes light up when you talk about
rebuilding my house. You let me see into your head. And I didn’t run screaming.
That should say something right there.”

“And
what happens when you remember that you’re not gay? I’m just an easy lay right
now. This isn’t love. You like me because I let you fuck me. When you remember
that I don’t have a pussy—“

“Friday
night before you decided you needed to pass out cold and scare the hell out of
me, I was planning to take you home and offer you my body. I’ve wanted to since
that first night. You are more to blame for that than me, if you think about
it. You discovered the magic cum button and wanted to push it. Well, Jude
Brody, if it makes you happy, I want you to bend me over and use me, hard. If
that’s what it takes for you to understand what I’m saying.”

“What
are you saying exactly, I’m not following?” Jude shook his head, his shaggy
hair falling into his face. He pushed it back with impatient fingers. “Either
way, it’s still just sex.”

“So,
it’s sex. So the fuck what? Do you think that we can’t have sex to have a
relationship? That sex is something that—”

“Relationship?
What the hell—“

“Fuck,
Jude. Stop thinking. Just stop. You think everything to death. I went offsides
for you, asshole. Me, the misogynist, the womanizer, the party till I drop,
stripper on both arms… I went gay for you and only you. I’m not after Levi. I
don’t want Bo or Dylan or Tracy… Okay Angel, maybe, he’s too fucking pretty to
be a man… Okay, fine, you know what? Fuck you. Stay here. Rot in a job you hate
with people you hate. You’re not interested in what I am offering, and I’m
wasting my time and my breath.” He threw his hands up and walked past Jude to
the stairs. Why the fuck should he hang around here when he didn’t have to? He
could be packed and back on the road before midnight.

Halfway
up the stairs, Jude slammed into him. They stumbled on the landing. Will
cradled Jude from the fall twisting him so that Jude fell onto him.

“Don’t
go.” Jude leaned over him, his eyes gone a dull brown shade. “You’re leaving.
Don’t leave.”

“A
clean cut would be best. I walk away, and we go back to our lives. Don’t drag
this out.” The ache in his chest became a pain. “You won’t even admit that we
might have something, you’ve shut me out. Every time I get close, you shut me
out. I guess it’s karma coming back on me for the way I’ve treated women. Just,
it’s better this way. Tomorrow you’ll go back to over-thinking what you think
the perfect life is all about and avoiding me. I’d rather—”

“I
don’t know how to be anything else. I don’t know how to let anyone close.”
Despair oozed from every pore, haunted his eyes, twisted his face into a mask
of pain. Will wanted desperately to pull him close and soothe his fears but he
couldn’t. Not this time. Jude needed to… trust him. “Everyone leaves me. My
father, my mother, Levi. Every woman I’ve ever thought could be the one. I’ve
never had a friend. Not a real friend. I don’t know how to… let you in.”

“We
are
friends, Jude. Where have you
been the last six weeks that you didn’t notice that little detail? After the
initial confrontation— “Don’t leave your gun in the bathroom and keep the
kitchen clean” lecture—we fell into an easy companionship. Didn’t you notice? I
did. That night I came home and it was so freakin’ cold, and there you were
cooking mac and cheese. That night I knew there was something different about
you. I watch Jeopardy for you. I watch the news for you. And documentaries. I
don’t watch documentaries for anyone. That’s what being a friend is.”

“And
the sex?”

“Part
of a great fucking benefits package. We’ve got the whole deal. We’re
comfortable together. We don’t get on each other’s nerves. We like the same
foods. ‘Hey, honey how was your day?’ ‘Brutal, how about yours? Pass the
remote, and let me give you a back rub.’ We have that. I’ve never had that
before you. And you fucking scare me. I like waking up with you. I don’t want
to lose that.”

“You
don’t want to lose the chance at early morning sex.”

“Why
is it all about sex with you? I mean, my god, you’d think I was just an object
the way you use me.” He ran his hands over Jude’s back, exploring each bump of
his spine hidden under silken skin. God, he wanted this man, so much that his
heart was breaking. “Don’t shut me out, Jude. Let me stay.”

“I
have nothing to give you, Will. I’m nothing. I’m lost and—”

“You
have everything to give me. Your heart would be a start. I’m begging, Jude.
Don’t make me go back without you.”

“I
quit my job. I left school. I have no reason to go back.”

 
“I know.” Will admitted as he cupped Jude’s
face. “I know you left all of that because you weren’t happy. But…I need
someone to take care of me…my house, someone who knows what they’re doing needs
to keep the contractor in line. And my finances are a mess. I’ve never had a
financial advisor. I don’t know where most of my money is. I don’t have a
business degree. I have a history degree. I’m useless when it comes to
numbers.” He was begging. Tossing everything he could think of at the man,
hoping to find the right reason to convince him that Will needed him.

“You
have a degree in history? Why do I find that hard to believe?” Jude relaxed
against him, his body growing warm under Will’s hands.

“I
have a masters in history and a minor in political science. Unlike Levi, I
finished school. And took graduate courses online and in the offseason. It took
me six years to finish but I did it. I have no idea what to do with it. I could
teach I guess, when I’m finished with football.”

“You
teaching? That’s…sexy. Oh, my god, what the hell am I saying?” Jude leaned over
him, his mouth so close Will could kiss him. He didn’t, and instead he waited
for Jude to come to him.