On the Road: (Vagabonds Book 2) (New Adult Rock Star Romance) (14 page)

It felt like time froze.  Had I heard her right—and did it mean what I thought it meant?  “What?”

“Yeah.  CJ wrote a song for Cinnamon Stick and so, to promote it, they posed for some publicity shots for some magazine—I can’t remember which one now.”  She pulled out her phone and started typing.

“So…he’s
not
dating her?”

Liz shrugged.  “I suppose he might be, but that’s not why they were in a picture together.”

Oh, shit.  Oh, God.  What had I done?

Chapter Twenty-two

WE WALKED BACK to the hotel, our bellies full, my mind even fuller.  The girls had no advice for me, now that I’d called CJ out for something that might not even be an issue.  They also didn’t have any ideas for me as to how to handle the awkward situation with Bad Dog but encouraged me to be honest without hurting his feelings.

But we had another issue.  Vicki was in bad shape.  The girls thought that maybe, since we wouldn’t be performing that evening, we should—the five of us—have a slumber party or something, and we should all voice our concerns to our friend, just lay everything out on the table.

I thought that was a great idea, but I told them I didn’t think Barbie would be on board.  It would interfere with the time she wanted to spend with her fans online.  “Don’t worry,” Liz assured me.  “I’ll take care of Barbie.”

Yeah, Liz was probably the only one of us Barbie would really listen to, and I wasn’t sure why that was, but I’d take it.

We got up to our floor and damned if TT and Bad Dog weren’t standing in the hall.  So much for figuring out what I was going to say.  I was put on the spot.  Liz and Kelly said they’d see me later and walked into their room two doors down from mine, and TT walked toward the now-open elevator door, suitcase in hand.  Shit.  Thanks, everyone.  They all apparently knew that Dog and I had to talk—but I wasn’t ready!

He seemed as nervous as I was, so I said the requisite
Hey
, but it didn’t break the ice.  Not by a long shot.  He said it back to me and then we were back at square one.  I figured I might as well start it off.  “So…last night…  I’m really sorry I put you in that position.”

“
Position?
  Like I’m complaining?”

I grinned then and looked down at the carpet for a second.  His green eyes seemed to peer into my soul then.  Oh, I did
not
want to break his heart.  “I, uh…I know, but…I had been drinking and just kind of crossed a few lines.”

“Not a problem, babe.”

Shit.  “But it kind of
is
, Dog.  We have to work together—we’re kind of coworkers, you know, and we—
I
—crossed a line.  It could make things really difficult with everyone else, you know?”  He was considering me, and I think he suspected that I just wasn’t interested in anything even resembling a relationship.  I didn’t think he knew
why
, although he probably thought I wanted to have fun on the road, and, I suppose, that wasn’t entirely untrue, but I didn’t think he knew anything about CJ.  I remembered a little flash of what I’d been thinking last night and verbalized it now.  “You know what they say, man—‘don’t shit where you eat.’  There’s a reason for that saying.”

“What the hell does that even mean?”

I didn’t know if he was just grabbing onto words to fill the potentially awkward silence or if he really didn’t understand the meaning behind the phrase, so I added, “There’s a reason why workplaces don’t let coworkers date.  It causes a lot of problems.”  In retrospect, I figured that was probably what had gotten my dad into trouble at work, but I’d never know for sure because I wasn’t going to ask.  “Me and you?  We could probably handle any shit just fine, but how do you think my bandmates would feel if they found out?”  No way was I gonna let on that I’d already told two of them, and—if I had any say in the matter—the other two would never know.

I saw the lightbulb switch on.  He nodded.  “Yeah, you’re right.  There’d be all kinds o’ jealousy.  I can see that now.  It’s not like with me ‘n TT.  Anytime we can score, we’re rootin’ for the other guy.”  Oh, God, please don’t let him delve into stories or even hints about roadie-groupie sex.  My stomach couldn’t take it this morning.  “But you got some catty women on your team.  No offense.”

“None taken—but I’m sure you can understand why we need to keep last night under wraps.”

He nodded.  I felt relieved that he was taking it even better than I’d expected.  Then he winked and formed his hand into the shape of a gun and “cocked” it.  “It’ll be our little secret, tiger.”  I considered lecturing him about not calling me affectionate names or that would give us away anyway and then decided not to.  I’d address it later if it continued to be a problem.

“Thanks for understanding, Dog.”

“But you ever need me, I’m here for you.  Okay?”

If I ever needed a friend with benefits, Dog would definitely be a great candidate.  “Thanks.”  I was not, however, going to return the favor, because I didn’t need to give him any excuses to pursue me.  I could have been wrong about him, but I didn’t want to make things harder or worse.  I smiled again and then said, as the situation was feeling stiff and strange once more, “Guess I better finish packing.”

“Yep.  TT and I are heading out right after lunch.”

Yeah…I guessed it
was
lunchtime now.  Man, does time fly on the road.

* * *

We’d been in the van rolling down the highway for about an hour when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.  Until that moment, I hadn’t realized I’d been tense and my stomach had been churning acid.  I’d considered texting CJ again to tell him it had been a misunderstanding, but just because the pictures were for publicity didn’t mean he and that skanky pop star
weren’t
dating; it only meant that it was possible that they weren’t…and I needed CJ to tell me for sure.  So, until he assured me there was nothing between him and that girl, I wasn’t going to retract my vitriolic words.

His text didn’t make me feel any better. 
Maybe we need to talk.  When are you free?

Fuck.  Those were
not
the words I’d hoped to see on my phone screen.  I would have settled for him assuring me everything was okay or even having a huge laugh at my expense. 
This
, though…my stomach started rolling again.

I looked up from my phone.  “How long till we get there?”

Peter turned slightly but didn’t twist all the way around.  When I thought about it, I marveled that he was still letting Andrew drive the van.  Then again, it was the only halfway useful thing the guy did anymore.  “Why are we in such a hurry, Ms. Summers?  Do you have a hot date planned?”

Oh, he had no idea—it might be hot, but not in the sexy way.  Nope, I suspected my anger was going to flare.  “Very funny.”

“Just a couple more hours—unless you and your girlfriends need a pee stop every ten minutes or so like last week.”

Oh, no.  Last week hadn’t been for
pee
breaks—it had been for
puke
breaks.  Both Vicki and Barbie had overindulged and were sick and we all had to pay the price by stopping every half hour or so, prolonging the trip so much that we got there an hour later than planned.

But these three hours—from the point I’d asked till the time we were settled in our rooms—were likely the longest of my life.  I’d texted CJ back and told him I would call him when we were settled in—and I told him it’d be a few hours.  But he hadn’t responded, so I didn’t know if he got it or was all right with it until almost the time for me to call, and all he texted was a simple
Okay
.

I was rooming with Kelly and Vicki this go round, and we told Vicki, before she scooted off to be with Andrew, that we were going to have a Vagabonds slumber party that night.  Maybe rent a movie or two, pop some popcorn, and chill in our PJs, but we wanted bonding time.  She was okay with that.

But, for talking on the phone with CJ, having my roomies nearby was not good.  I considered going in the bathroom or on our little balcony, but neither would afford me the privacy I craved.  I told them I’d be back and headed outside.

The hotel itself was nothing to write home about, but at least it had a little pool outdoors, and I headed over there across the tiny parking lot and sat in one of the chaise lounges.  I pulled up CJ’s number on my phone and took a deep, calming breath before connecting the call.  “Hey, Kyle.”

“Hey.”

“Can I call you back in about five minutes?”  I could barely hear him over the background noise, but I understood enough.

“Yeah, okay.”

So I hung up and waited—and those
seven
minutes felt even longer than the hours I’d waited earlier…but he did call back.  After exchanging
hellos
again, he apologized first, saying he and the gang had been getting ready to order dinner.  Then he said, “Okay, Kyle.  I don’t want you to take this wrong, but we apparently need to discuss some things.”

“Yeah, I guess we do.” 
Did we?

There was barely hesitation as he plowed forward.  “If you need to know, Pepper and I are
not
dating, but”—okay, yeah, I figured that, but I still kept my trap shut—“what if we were?  Would that matter?”

So maybe I shouldn’t have taken it so hard.  He’d said he’d wait to have sex with me…but he hadn’t said he’d wait
for
me.  Maybe that was my own naïveté at play.  Duped again, and merely because I didn’t have enough experience to help me really think about a lot of things.  What a fucking dumb ass.  But I wasn’t going to play the little lamb nor the scorned woman.  “Probably not.  It just would have been nice to know.”

I guess I appreciated that he wasn’t handling me with kid gloves and that he was being straight up with me, but it was hard to swallow.  I think he sensed that, because his tone was more relaxed when he resumed.  “Look, Kyle…I’m barely twenty-one and I swear to Christ, I have never had this much—all these girls throwing themselves at me like this before.  Yeah, sure, I got laid, but shit.  Not like this.  I’m not even kidding when I say I could fuck ten girls a night if I wanted—just for starters.  That’s not speaking to my appetite but to the availability—and I’m just the bassist.  God knows what it would be like if I was one of the other guys.”

His voice grew softer.  “That’s not meant to be any kind of statement about
you
.  I think you know the way I feel about you, Kyle.”

I couldn’t resist the opening.  “Actually, I
don’t
.”

He chuckled then.  “I really like you.  A lot.  And I meant every little thing I said to you…but that doesn’t mean I’m going to act like a monk when I’m out here.”  He paused.  At least he was trying to be considerate.  “Sorry if you don’t want to hear that.”

It was hard to swallow but it was also good to know—and the blow was definitely cushioned by what he’d said about liking me…because the feeling was mutual.  But, like him, I decided at that moment that I had a huge playing field too.  He might have been a young man with lots of opportunities, but I too had already turned down more offers than I figured most people received in their lifetime in just the short time we’d been on the road.  Maybe I needed to enjoy the hell out of it like he was.  “No, that’s cool.  I appreciate the honesty, CJ.  And I don’t plan to act like a nun either.”

The line was quiet for a little bit and I started to wonder if maybe we’d lost our connection.  But then he said, “I suppose that’s only fair.”

“Damn straight it is.”  When I hung up the phone a few minutes later after talking shop, I let that idea roll over me.  Maybe it was a dumb idea to think of myself as wanting or needing to have a monogamous relationship.  I wasn’t in a business conducive to that—and my heart couldn’t handle the idea of being cheated on—but if I and that guy I desperately wanted to myself had an agreement, then it was time for me to really live the life of a rock star.  And that life was going to start right now.

“Seduce & Destroy” ~ Otep

Chapter Twenty-three

AFTER DINNER, ANDREW tried to cart Vicki away from us, but Barbie shoved herself between them and laced her arm with Vicki’s.  “We’re having a girls’ night tonight.”

“But—”

“No
buts
, Andrew.  You can have her back tomorrow.  I promise…but tonight, it’s girls only.  We haven’t spent much time together lately.”

He seemed forlorn but acquiesced, and Vicki seemed thrilled that we wanted her with us.  When we got to the room, we talked about having some beer which I see, in retrospect, how stupid that was.  But we pulled some out of the mini fridge and then we all got in our own versions of PJs—for me, that was a tank top and sweat pants, both in gray.

We didn’t want to start out with the hard push—we knew gentle, soft, and quiet would make Vicki more receptive, especially after we’d shared some warm feelings.  So we talked about our first kisses (imagine my surprise when a forgotten memory placed me at a beach when I was ten and hanging out with a boy my age who’d asked if I wanted to “make out”), followed by a high-pitched giggling session where we talked about orgasms.  Again, I was shocked, because I and Barbie (and even reluctant Liz a few minutes later) had some great stories.  Both Vicki and Kelly said they hadn’t yet had the pleasure.

But it finally came down to business.  Kelly and Liz both gave me a look, and that was when I discovered that they wanted
me
to do all the talking—or at least get the ball rolling.  I supposed that was my own damn fault for not working out the details early on.

I took a deep breath and a sip of beer and then said, “Vicki…we’re worried about you.”

She laughed—a little too loudly and with a harsh edge.  “I don’t know why.”

But she did.  I knew she did.  I think she was trying to avoid the reality, though, and it was easier to dismiss us than to admit she had a problem.  I reminded myself to go easy.  I looked her in the eyes but hoped compassion bled through mine.  “You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had, Vicki, and I care so much about you.”  I looked at my bandmates.  “We all do.  We’re sisters…and so that’s why we wanted to tell you we think you have a problem.”

She furrowed her brows.  “First off, don’t you dare say shit about Andrew.”

I wasn’t going to, although I felt like he was a huge part of why she was where she was now…nor was I going to say anything about any of the scuzzy guys she’d fucked before him.  “Your relationship choices are your own, and I don’t think any of us in this room can point any fingers.  No, Vicki—we’re worried about…the drugs you take.  We’re afraid you’re addicted and we don’t want you to get hurt.”

The look that crossed her face was dark and angry, more than I’d ever seen from her.  “None of you can point any fingers about that, either.  You’ve all tried something at least once.  I just happened to find something…something that takes the pain away.”

Kelly asked, “Pain?”

“Yeah.  All my life, I’ve gotten these horrible headaches.  But I’m not just talking about physical pain.  There’s just the fucking pain of life.”

Barbie said, “But things are just looking up for us.  Things are getting so good.  Isn’t your life better now because of the Vagabonds?”

Vicki screwed her mouth up, and it was then that I noticed how tired she looked.  “In some ways—but not in others.”

“Like
how
?”

Vicki ground her jaw.  “I don’t have to answer to you or explain it to you, Barbie.  Fuck off.”  She stood up.

“Hey, hey,” Liz said.  She hadn’t said shit this whole time, so it was nice to hear her join in.  “Vicki, we didn’t mean to put you under a microscope or make you feel bad about yourself.  We care about you and just wanted you to know—and we want to help you if you want.”

She still looked pissed.  “I don’t want or
need
your help.”  She started to walk toward the door.

Liz touched her arm.  “Don’t go, babe.”  Vicki turned around and then I saw she was ready to cry.  I stood up and the three of us hugged—followed by Kelly and then Barbie.  We all started crying and sat on one of the beds.

After a while, Vicki said, “Sorry, girls, but this isn’t going to work.  You’ll never understand me…and I am in serious need of a fix.”

“Stop,” Barbie said.  “What the hell’s so great about the shit you take?”

“You really wanna know?  Maybe you should try it.”

Barbie cocked her head as if to tell our friend,
Really?

Vicki spoke anyway.  “It’s like you get this shock to your system and you get this rush of happiness.  I’m talking like happier than you’ve ever known.  You guys were talking about orgasms, right?  Well, I bet you anything your first hit of H tops even your best orgasm.  And then, as it settles in, all of your pain just kind of washes away.”  She blinked.  “I’ve never felt so good in my life.”

“Well, hell, if it’s
that
great, we should all try it—don’t you girls think?”

I didn’t know if Barbie was trying reverse psychology or if she was being serious, but even though heroin was one of the big baddies, I’d try it once—especially under the right circumstances.  It was probably also the beer and the camaraderie talking when I answered.  “Okay, yeah.  Vicki,” I said, looking my friend in the eye, “if we try it, will
you
try quitting for a while?”

She seemed to consider it and then said, “Yeah, okay.  Sure.”

Kelly stood.  “I love you guys, but sorry.  I’m out.”  She looked at Barbie and Liz.  “Can I borrow your key and sleep in your room till you’re done?  Sorry, but I have my limits.”

Liz stood up and I thought she was going to leave with Kelly.  If so…I might reconsider this stupid path we were on.  But part of me was also thinking about the gaping hole CJ had left in my body this afternoon.  I felt hollow and alone and…yeah, I ached, and it
would
be nice for that to fade for a while.

Part of my stupidity was that we’d been experimenting on the road anyway—what was one more drug?

But Liz gave Kelly her key and said, “Okay.  This is probably the dumbest thing I will ever do in my life, but it seems like all the greats have struggled with smack, right?  Seriously—look at them.  Nikki Sixx, Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, Dee Dee Ramone, Sid Vicious, Kristen Pfaff.  Maybe I need to see what all the hype is about.”

Liz’s statement at first gave me pause, because it seemed so out of character, but the more I thought about it, I realized it wasn’t.  The only thing Liz wanted more than the love and acceptance of her parents was to be looked upon as legit.  She never said it out loud but, to me, at least, it was obvious that she didn’t think people would take her seriously.  It was almost as if she thought we judged her because of her background instead of her musical abilities.  It came clear to me in that moment that almost everything she had done up to this point had been methodical and planned.  And it made me wonder what she’d been like when she had still been known as
Edna Elizabeth
.  What kind of clothes had she worn as a privileged rich girl?  I was sure her wardrobe and makeup had been quite different.  I’d even witnessed her over the past several months change the way she spoke, so I knew she was trying, but I often wondered what about her life had made her seek satisfaction and escape in music?

I didn’t have much more time to speculate, because Barbie and Liz were sitting again, waiting for Vicki to move forward.  I had a short moment of clarity when I said, “Yeah, and how many of those guys died because they OD’ed?”

Liz frowned.  “That’s because they didn’t stop.”

Vicki shook her head.  “That’s probably because they were injecting or doing a speedball.”

Well, now my naïveté was most certainly showing.  “What the hell’s a speedball?”

“Heroin and cocaine together.”  I started feeling nervous, like it was a stupid thing to do this, but before I could voice my new concerns, Vicki said, “I’m telling you…a little bit isn’t gonna kill you.”

Liz shrugged.  “I’m gonna try it.”

My mind flashed on CJ for some stupid reason—it was just the right moment.  “Okay, me too.”

Barbie laughed.  “Of
course
, I’m gonna do it.”

Liz asked, “So we won’t be doing it intravenously, right?”  Vicki furrowed her brow.  “No injection?”

She shook her head.  “Yeah, no.  We’ll smoke it.”  I almost told her we wouldn’t smoke in here; after all, we’d been going outside to smoke at most hotels, but we were actually in a smoking room for once and even if not, smoking an illegal drug outside would be stupid.  Stupider than some of the things I usually did.

Vicki got up and unzipped her bag, pulling out a box of foil, a short metal straw, a lighter, and a piece of paper folded several times.  I could tell she’d done this multiple times before, because she handled her equipment just like someone who’d done it every day for years.  She folded the foil into a
V
shape and then opened the paper.  Inside was a powdery brown substance—what I knew must be the drug—and then she asked who wanted to go first.  Barbie, of course, held up her hand but said she didn’t know what to do.  Again, Vicki stuck the straw in her mouth, then held the foil in one hand and the lighter in another.  In no time, a wisp of smoke was rising from the foil and she sucked it through the straw.  She handed the stuff to Barbie and lay down on the carpet, closing her eyes.

What Vicki had done as an expert the rest of us fumbled through.  I wound up holding the lighter under the foil for Barbie before letting Liz do it.  And then it was my turn.  At first, I thought I was immune to its effects or maybe all the drug had been burned up by the time I breathed in the smoke.  But then it hit me just a minute later—and I completely understood exactly what Vicki had been talking about.  Peace, tranquility, and—just like Vicki had said—a supreme lack of pain.

Holy shit.