Once Upon A Karma (Karmic Krystal Book 1) (6 page)

“What are you going to draw?” I ask my painting partner, matter-of-factly.

“Uhhhmmm… I don’t know,” Sharyn replies.  “What about you?”

“I might draw Ralph,” I say excitedly. 

“You are going to draw vomit?”

It takes a minute or two for me to figure out what Sharyn was talking about.  As I had never before watched American television shows, I had no idea that “ralf” and “vomit” were used in the same meaning until she explained it to me.  “No!  Ralph is my toy bunny.  He sleeps with me at night and keeps me safe from all the bad things,” I explain.

“Oh.  I don’t have a Ralph.  I have a cat called Minx, though!” she says proudly.

“I wish I had a cat, but Daddy won’t allow it.  He doesn’t like them but won’t tell me why.  We have a dog called Mindy.  We used to have a dog called Rusty but he is dead now,” I tell her while I paint Ralph’s face onto the paper using pink and yellow paints.

“Why is he dead?” she asks, awakening a painful thud inside my chest.  Pushing tears down, I am unable to answer Sharyn’s question.  We continue to paint silently.  When I look up at Sharyn’s picture, I am almost tempted to pat it… her cat called Minx.  The pictures are all hung to dry as we eat our packed lunches, followed by our afternoon nap.  When I wake, the painted papers are cut so that each picture can be taken home by its artist.

The day ends before I realise it. 
Where did the time go?
  I hug Sharyn goodbye and tell her that she is my best friend too.  Her face lights up and she smiles.  I can’t wait to tell my sisters and my parents that I have my very first ever best friend!

All of the parents arrive to pick up their children.  When the children are gone, I am left sitting on the top stair at the front of the kindergarten, waiting, wondering where my mother is.  She is never late for anything but I know that she is safe because Ralph is with her.  The teacher starts tidying up the classroom as I continue to sit on the stairs. 
I hope nothing has happened to Mummy and Ralph! 
Eventually, I go back inside the classroom and help Mrs Tucker clean the paintbrushes and put the dirty aprons into the washing basket.

“I am sure they will be along soon, Krystal,” the teacher smiles at me, reassuringly.  I hope she is right.

When it starts getting dark, Mrs Tucker contemplates taking me home in her car.  As she is locking up the kindergarten, my father finally arrives.  He looks angry and sad at the same time.  I wonder if I have done something bad to upset him.  Quietly, I climb into the car, sensing the anger coming off him in waves.  When my teacher asks him if everything is alright, he simply tells her how sorry he is for being late.

Back at home, Dad and I go upstairs without saying a word to each other.  I start to panic when I look in the living room and see my mother and two sisters. 
Did somebody die?
I know that whatever is going on, it has to be serious.  I sit next to my sisters and wait for our parents to say something.  Looking at my mother’s face, I can see that she has been crying.

“Today, a big secret was revealed to me.  I need to ask you girls something,” my dad finally speaks, “…and please, don’t ever be afraid to come to me and tell me the truth, okay?”  My sisters and I glance at each other before looking back at Dad.  Silently, we nod at his request.  The sullenness in the room continues and I start to get a very bad feeling coming from both of our parents.

“Today, I found out that your grandfather was a very bad man.  He has done horrible things to many children.  He also did these things to his own children,” he says.  Tears roll down my mother’s cheeks. 
Oh no!  Mummy, he hurt you too? 
In my head, I ask the Goddess for strength.

“Before he died, did Grandpa ever do anything bad to you?  Did he ever touch you in a bad way?” my dad asks.  It seems to take every bit of effort for him to stay calm.  “Did your grandfather ever touch the private areas on your body?”  I can feel every bit of anger he feels.  It continues riding off him in waves.  From my mother, I feel shame, anger and embarrassment – the very same feelings I felt when my grandfather put his hands down my pants two years ago.  I know that I have to think carefully with what I am about to say.

“Yes,” I tell my parents, honestly.  “He hurt me but now he is dead.  I am glad he is dead because he is a monster.” 
There, I said it.  Finally there are no more secrets.

“He touched me too,” says Leena.  Her face is red and, again, I feel the shame and hurt radiating off her in bucket loads.  Tears of anger fill my eyes.  I didn’t know he had hurt my sister too!

“And me,” says Tania quietly.  She pulls her knees to her chest and hugs herself.  Quiet tears roll down her cheeks and I know that she is afraid.  My mother sobs uncontrollably.  It puzzles me as to why my father isn’t comforting her.  I stand up and walk over to my mum, gently putting my arms around her.  This time I do not hug too tight.

“It will be okay, Mummy,” I say.  “You will be okay.”

Dad suggests we go to see a doctor to talk through our feelings since tears are becoming an all-too-frequent thing in our house.  A few days later, his suggestion becomes reality and we find ourselves sitting in the waiting room of the doctor’s office.  He is a mind doctor and he wants to check that our brains are in our heads, I think.  Mum goes into the office by herself while Dad sits outside with the three of us girls.

“Daddy, is my brain gone now?” I ask. 

“What?  What’s gone?” he says, startled away from his overwhelming thoughts. 

I enquire again as to why we are seeing a doctor who wants to look into our heads.  My dad says my brain is just fine and asks me to sit down and play with the abacus on the floor.  Leena and Tania are both playing with it already and, not wanting to interrupt their fun, I start putting building blocks on top of each other to see how high I can make a tower.

“Ow!” screams Tania.  She starts crying and I notice her finger caught on a loose wire on the abacus.  It has pierced right through her finger.  Dad examines it and is unable to pull the wire out without hurting Tania even more. 
Nothing hurts my family and lives!

“Let my sister
GO!
” I scream at the abacus. 

The wire immediately dislodges from my sister’s finger.  Tania sticks her finger in her mouth to try and stop it from hurting and bleeding.  I feel bad for my sister.  Not wanting her to feel any pain, I try to transfer it entirely to the abacus, but instead of the wire pricking itself, the whole abacus completely disintegrates to dust before our eyes.  Silence fills the room as all of our eyes grow wide with shock.  Dad looks from the pile of dust to me and then back to the dust again.  He seems to forget how to speak.

Mum comes out of the doctor’s office and asks my father to take Leena in to see the doctor while she waits outside.  Dad instead tells Mum to take Leena in while he has a talk with me. 
Uh-oh!
I know that he is about to yell at me for breaking the doctor’s abacus.  Without any pocket money to spare, I also know that I will be 30 years old before I have paid for the damage.  My dad looks at Tania’s finger, only to discover that it is completely healed.  There is no hole, no blood – just a healthy finger that seems to have been completely untouched by any wire.

“Did you do that?” he asks softly.

“I’m sorry, Daddy.  I’m sorry,” I say, hoping that he will not smack me.  I have seen children being smacked before by their parents.  It doesn’t look like fun. 

“I am not angry at you, sweetheart,” my dad says.  “No secrets, remember?” 

I nod my head and tell him that I don’t know if I did it.  But if I did do it, I am sorry and I will get a job and pay for it.  Trying not to giggle, Dad accepts that I had not done anything intentionally.  He also tells me not to worry about getting a job because he will pay for a new abacus, but he wants to continue our discussion a little bit later.

Leena comes out of the room.  Both my mum and my sister are crying.  I go and sit with them to comfort them both.  Dad takes Tania in to speak with the doctor.

“Did he hurt you?” I ask Leena and my mum.  “He doesn’t stick a needle in your brain, does he?”  I am terrified of needles.

“No, Krystal,” my mother replies.  “No needles.  He just wants to talk.”

Fifteen minutes later, my dad brings Tania out from the doctor’s office.  Tania is crying.  Dad looks completely rattled by whatever had just taken place inside the doctor’s office.  Now I am
really
getting scared.  Anybody who can freak my dad out must be quite terrifying!

“Krystal, come with me please,” my father says gently.  He takes my hand and I feel love and warmth radiating from his palm. 

Inside the doctor’s office, I climb up onto my father’s lap and sit on his knee.  The doctor tells me that I am not allowed to sit on anybody’s knee during this visit.  I have to sit on a chair by myself.  Dad lifts me down and sits me beside him in my own chair.  The doctor then tells my father sharply to let go of my hand.

“Hi, Krystal.  How are you feeling today?” the doctor asks.

“You know my name already?” I ask, somewhat confused.

“Your parents told me your name.  I am Dr Stone and I just want to talk to you.  Is that okay?” Dr Stone asks me.

“I guess,” I answer.  I look up at my dad and he nods his head. 

“I understand that you were hurt by somebody you loved very much,” Dr Stone says.  He then puts a drawing of a girl on the desk in front of me.  “Can you please point to the places on this picture where he hurt you?”

“No, I don’t think so.  I don’t even know you,” I say to the doctor.  “Besides, Ralph took care of it already so everything is okay now.”

“Ralph?” the doctor asks.

“Ralph is her toy bunny,” my father answers. 

Dr Stone glares at my father and I can feel his anger towards my dad. 
Oh, Doc, you do
not
want to start anything with my Daddy!
I frown at the doctor and an electric shock makes Dr Stone jump from his chair.  My father looks at me, worried.  The love that I’d felt from him earlier seems to be mixed with something else now: fear.  I wonder why my dad is suddenly afraid of Dr Stone.  Suddenly wishing this appointment to be over with, I point to the places on the picture to where my grandfather touched me before taking my father’s hand, standing up and walking out, refusing to say another word. 

Chapter
Six

Things in the house are very uncomfortable for all of us after the doctor’s appointment.  My sisters and I are embarrassed and ashamed of what our evil grandfather did to us and to our mum.  Dad is angry, sad and afraid.  I can feel what they are feeling inside and don’t know what to make of it.  As a four year old, I am not supposed to know what others feel unless they tell me.  Or maybe everybody knows what other people are feeling?  I don’t know.

My sisters and I hear a lot of yelling now between our parents when they are at home.  They fight a lot.  They never did that before.  Sometimes Dad storms out of the house and slams the door so hard that the windows shake.  Mum sits in her bedroom and cries.  Both of them blame themselves for what we have had to endure at the hands of that man before he died.  I feel like I am partly to blame too.  Had I known that he hurt my mother and my sisters before, he would have died much sooner. 
Why didn’t Karma take him before he hurt me? 

When Dad finally comes home, the tension is high.  I miss the days when we were all happy.  Hoping to make him feel better, I grab on to his leg and pull it into a hug.  He grabs my shoulders, gently unlatches my arms and looks at me so sadly.  “Not now, Krystal.  Daddy has to think.” 

“Why can’t you think while I hug you?” I ask, puzzled by his rejection.  He had never turned his back on one of my hugs before.

“NOT NOW!” he shouts, quickly regretting his anger.  “I’m sorry, sweetheart.  I am not angry at you, and you know I love your hugs so much.”  He leans down, picks me up and hugs me as a tear runs down my cheek.  Not wanting to add to his heartache, I stay silent and hug him back.

I continue my studies each day at kindergarten.  Sharyn and I sit together always, whether being read to, painting or eating lunch, and we both agree that Mrs Tucker is the best teacher ever.  I confide in Sharyn, telling her that I hope all teachers at the big school are just as nice.  Being at kindergarten is the only time I feel happiness from the other people in the room.  At home, all of the joy is gone.

Mid-way through the year, I arrive home on my bicycle.  As I walk past my parents, I know it is more bad news.  My sisters and I are again seated in the living room, waiting for the hammer to fall.  Looking around, I try and find any physical signs of trauma on my family. 
If somebody else has messed with any of you…
As my skin starts to burn in anger, my train of thought is cut when my father starts to speak.

“Your mother and I need to discuss something with you girls,” Dad says.  Mum sits in her chair and stays quiet.  “Your mother and I are going to live apart for a while.  We both need you to know that it is not because of anything you girls have done.  We both love you very much.  We just need to have some space from each other so we can figure some things out about our future.”  Silence fills the room.  Three sets of very rounded eyes stare back at them, as this news takes us all by surprise.

“Aren’t we all unhappy
enough
right now?” I ask angrily.  “Why do this?  It’s like you both
want
everything to get worse.  Well guess what, I don’t even know if that is possible anymore!” I yell as I run to my bedroom.  Slamming the door behind me, I lie face down on my bed, soaking my pillow with tears.  When I am all cried out, I hug Ralph and carry him back out to the living room.  He always makes me feel better.

While I am sad that my parents are splitting up, I feel that it has something to do with our dead evil grandfather.  I stare at my mother, trying to read her thoughts.  I instead see a vision of her and my father screaming at each other.

“You disgust me!” my father yells at her.  “You knew what he was like and you never said a single bloody word to me about it.  Our babies were subjected to that filthy monster’s paedophile doings.  YOU did this!”  The shame my mother feels is overwhelming and I want to scream at him to stop yelling at her, but this vision is not of the present, but of the past.  This memory of accusation was one that my mother could not argue with.  As she lay there on the bed in tears, my father said to her, almost calmly after taking a very deep breath, “I can’t be near you.  I’m sorry, but us being together is hurting us.  More importantly, it is hurting the girls.  Just… pack your stuff and go.”

Although I am horrified at being witness to the argument which led to their decision, I also think it might be good for them to be apart for a while.  Too much hate and anger creates nothing but misery for everybody involved.  I don’t like my parents being so unhappy.  That night, my mother takes a couple of suitcases full of clothes and leaves.  When the front door closes, my father stands and stares at the door.  Anger again oozes from him like a tidal wave.  I start to understand his anger, but hope it soon ends.

I go to him and hug his leg, hoping that his leg will tell the rest of him that I love him.  He leans down and picks me up.  Hugging me back, my father’s anger is replaced with sorrow.  I wish I could make him feel happy again.  Maybe after my parents have been apart for a little while, they will miss each other so much that they get back together and everything will heal.

“I know what will make you feel a little bit better, you know,” I say.  When I look at him, one of his eyebrows shoots up, making me giggle.  “You need to put me down first.”  When he lets me back down to the floor, I walk over to our special bookcase and pull out one of my Little Golden Books called
The Tawny Scrawny Lion
.  Taking his hand, I lead him back to the living room.  He sits me on his lap and my sisters sit on either side of us and look at the pages as I “read” the story to them.  By the time I have finished, both of my sisters are on the floor, laughing so hard that their ribs hurt.  Dad pulls me into a hug and thanks me for such a beautiful story.

* * *

It’s been three months since my parents separated and things are slowly starting to settle down at home.  When I arrive at the kindergarten one morning, Sharyn tells me that her parents have finally bought her a bicycle!  She is learning to ride and has training wheels on the back, just like I used to have.  I ask Sharyn’s mother if my best friend can come to my house so I can introduce her to my family. 

“I’m sorry, Krystal, but I don’t want Sharyn riding out on the road.  She is still learning and it will be some time before that happens,” she says firmly.  “Perhaps, if you give me your home address, I can bring her to your place in the car?” I think about it, but decide not to give it to her without asking my dad first.  One of his biggest rules is that I am not allowed to tell people those things unless it is to a policeman.  Both Sharyn and her mother look disappointed at my response.

At the end of the day, Mum arrives at the kindergarten to pick me up.  This is a very strange occurrence since I don’t live with her, I live with my dad.  The last time I saw or even heard from my mother was when she walked out the front door with her suitcases.  She doesn’t even ring to see how we are doing and I almost feel like she is a stranger.  “What do you want?  What are you doing here?” I enquire, not real keen on getting into the car with her.  “Is Daddy okay?”  Without answering any of my questions, she puts my bike into the back of her car so she can take me home.  After we arrive, I put the bike into the storage room under the house.  Waiting in front of our house are my dad and two sisters. 
Finally, they are getting back together!  Everything can be good again!
In my excitement, I run over to my father and hug him tight.  Looking up at his face, I smile.  The sad look he sends in return tells me that something is definitely wrong.

“You, Leena and Tania need to go with your mum for a few hours.” Dad says.  “I will make some nice food for you girls for dinner, okay?  Be a good girl for Mummy.”  Confused, my sisters and I climb into my mother’s car without argument.  Leena sits in the front because she is the oldest.  I feel the same worry coming from my sisters that I feel inside my own skin.  During the drive, I wonder if we are going back to the mean doctor who was rude to my dad.  If yes, then why is Dad not with us?

Finally, the car stops.  I look out the window and see that we have pulled into the driveway of a small house.  There is a fenced yard at the back and a big balcony at the front.  The house is on a hill. 

“Whose house is this, Mummy?” I ask, frowning.

“I want you to meet somebody,” she answers mysteriously.  It is strange how she seems to be avoiding answering any of my questions today.  I know something is up.  My sisters are wearing the same facial expressions that I am.  Frowning, I lift my eyebrows silently at Leena and Tania, hoping they will clue me in as to what is going on.  Both of them shrug and shake their heads in response.

At the front door, I raise my hand to knock so I can see who answers, but before I can do so, Mum pulls out a key and opens the door herself. 
I guess this is her house.  It is nice of her to finally let us see it. 
I look around at the entrance, which leads us to a second door before we are inside the house.  As soon as the second door opens, a man comes into the lounge room and starts kissing my mother on the mouth.  I find this to be not only rather mawkish but entirely inappropriate.  My sisters and I all have the same reaction as we stare at the disgusting scene before us with our jaws gaping open. 

Feeling slightly nauseated by what had just transpired, I wait for an explanation.  I had never seen this man before and I very much doubted Dad would like his wife kissing another man,
especially
like that.  When he leans in for yet another tongue-prodding kiss, I frown and my skin starts to burn.  The moment their lips reconnect, red sparks ignite between them.  The man jumps, startled, before looking down at the carpet. 

“Fucking static electricity shooting up sparks, dammit,” he says, not seeming to care that three young girls are standing right there, listening and watching.  My mother playfully slaps him on the chest with the back of her fingers and whispers that he needs to watch his mouth in front of us.  He steers a look to our direction and rolls his eyes.

“Please do not kiss my mother again,” I request politely.  I am not smiling.

A worried look comes over both his face and that of my mother.  Thankfully, they both decide not to show any more overwhelming displays of affection in front of us.  We are then asked to sit at the table while our mother gets us each a glass of iced water.  She then sits at the table next to the man who was kissing her only minutes earlier.

“Girls, your father and I will not be getting back together,” our mum says to us.  “This is Eddie.  We are getting married.  Soon you will have a new brother or sister!  Eddie is going to be your new father,” she finally says.

“He will
NOT
be our new father!” I immediately yell at them both.  Almost growling, I glare at her, my eyes feeling like they are about to bore holes through her.  I cannot even bring myself to look at Eddie.  “We
have
a father, thank you very much.  Now please take me home!”

“Krystal, please listen to me,” my mother says, almost pleading.  “Mummy and Eddie are going to have a baby soon.  You will have a little brother!”  She smiles and looks at me and my sisters, waiting for us to smile back.  None of us did.

“May I speak?” Eddie asks.  His voice is gentle, which I find surprising after the cussing he had done only moments earlier.  None of us answer except for my mother.

“Sure, Sweetheart,” our mother says.

Eddie winks at Mum before saying to us, “Girls, I am not interested in replacing your father.  You only have one Dad and I know that you love him very much, am I right?” Eddie says.  My sisters and I stay silent.  “How about we start as friends?  I love your mother very much and I would never hurt you.  Please, I would just like to be your friend.”

I look at Eddie.  His eyes tell me that he is completely sincere about his feelings for my mother.  But it does not change the fact that my mother betrayed her daughters and our father.  When she left, we all thought that she would someday return.  Now she says that she is marrying a stranger and that she is having a baby with him.  It is too much.

“Please take me home, Mummy,” I say, repeating my earlier request. 

My mother’s voice – her thoughts, I presume – play inside my head.  I look at her and realise that her mouth is closed as the voice continues to play.  Looking almost defeated, she thinks to herself:  ‘
Great. THAT went well.’ 

I do not want to be near either of these two people who are supposed to be the grown-ups.  When I look at my sisters, their faces betray their hidden emotions; they are feeling just as angry and as heart-broken as I feel.

Mum apologises to Eddie and tells him that she will be back soon.  She grabs her keys and we all walk silently to the car.  Not a word is spoken between us for the whole journey back home.  Sitting in the car behind my mother, I can feel her anger, anguish, shame and embarrassment.  She pulls up in the driveway and toots the horn to let our father know that we are back.  He opens the door at the top of the stairs.  As my mother starts saying something to us, I open the car door and get out.  Right now, I just want to be with my dad.

Leena and Tania sit in the car for a few minutes longer and listen to what our mother has to say.  I have absolutely no interest in her words.  I go inside the house, walk to my bedroom, closing the door behind me.  After climbing onto the bed, I hug Ralph tight and cry myself to sleep.