One and Only (10 page)
Authors: Gerald Nicosia
Although Neal did move in with Carolyn soon after hitting San Francisco, the circumstances seem a good deal different than Carolyn has suggested. Neal's letters to Jack from Texas indicate that it was Carolyn who was pressuring Neal to get back together with her. “She's written me 20 times since I've been here (18 days),” he wrote to Jack. “See what a persistent cat she is.” He also told Jack that she was “too middle class” for him. In the same letter, he explained that Carolyn not only “insisted” he spend the winter with her, but offered him the incentive that she would be making a “Hollywood salary” with which to support him.
7
Considering that Neal had also been having a lot of trouble with the police in Denver that past summer, it is not surprising that he moved on to San Francisco. But as soon as he arrived in San Francisco, he began writing Lu Anne a series of over-the-top love letters begging her to come to the Coast and join him.
7
Considering that Neal had also been having a lot of trouble with the police in Denver that past summer, it is not surprising that he moved on to San Francisco. But as soon as he arrived in San Francisco, he began writing Lu Anne a series of over-the-top love letters begging her to come to the Coast and join him.
All this is not to deny that Neal felt an attraction to Carolyn, though his letters of the period seem to suggest that it was at best
an ambivalent attraction. But versions from Al Hinkle and Lu Anne herself would indicate that he still intended, or at least hoped, to return to his marriage with Lu Anne. After receiving Neal's imploring letters, Lu Anne asked an old boyfriend to drive her and her friend Lois to San Francisco, where she resumed seeing Neal almost immediately. While living with Carolyn, he got a job at a gas station, where Lu Anne would visit him every day; and he told Lu Anne he was saving up money so that he could eventually go back to New York and enroll in college there. The plan, she said, was for her to go with him to New York.
an ambivalent attraction. But versions from Al Hinkle and Lu Anne herself would indicate that he still intended, or at least hoped, to return to his marriage with Lu Anne. After receiving Neal's imploring letters, Lu Anne asked an old boyfriend to drive her and her friend Lois to San Francisco, where she resumed seeing Neal almost immediately. While living with Carolyn, he got a job at a gas station, where Lu Anne would visit him every day; and he told Lu Anne he was saving up money so that he could eventually go back to New York and enroll in college there. The plan, she said, was for her to go with him to New York.
Both Hinkle and Lu Anne relate that Neal was in a state of near panic, and great confusion, when he learned, probably in January 1948, that Carolyn was pregnant. He sought and failed to arrange an abortion for her. “It all happened very quickly,” Al said, referring to the annulment Neal obtained in Denver, just before Lu Anne's 18th birthday, and his subsequent marriage to Carolyn. Lu Anne, no longer sure of Neal's intentions, had started dating other men, which pushed him even further over the edge. On his birthday, February 8, 1948, he borrowed Hinkle's revolver, explaining to Al that the only way he could get Lu Anne to sign the annulment papers was to threaten her life. But when he confronted Lu Anne, as she tells it, he demanded she either go back to Denver with him and live with him again as his wife, or else join him in a death pact. When she refused either alternative, he took her out to the beach and raped her, then brought her back to her apartment and ordered her to pack. Lu Anne did not speak of the rape on the taped interview, though she told it to others; and she hints of it in a way on the tape, saying there are events of that day she is leaving out. In any case, she slipped out of the apartment, leaving him there alone with the gun. In an agony of indecision, he tried and failed several times to commit suicide.
At the end of February, he made a nonstop drive to Denver with
Lu Anne, to obtain the annulment before she turned 18. Carolyn's version is that he felt his only chance for peace of mind was to marry and settle down with her. Lu Anne's version is that Carolyn used her pregnancy to force Neal into a marriage he really didn't want.
Lu Anne, to obtain the annulment before she turned 18. Carolyn's version is that he felt his only chance for peace of mind was to marry and settle down with her. Lu Anne's version is that Carolyn used her pregnancy to force Neal into a marriage he really didn't want.
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Lu Anne:
I didn't see Jack again until Neal and I went back to New York in December 1948. In the meantime, Neal went to San Francisco, got involved with Carolyn, got her pregnant, and decided to marry her. But first he had to get his marriage to me annulled.
When Neal drove me back to Denver to get our annulment, it was really the greatest trip we ever tookâit truly was. We were all living in San Francisco. Neal was with Carolyn, who was like four months pregnant. We knew we had to do it quick. We only had two days before I was going to turn eighteen, and we couldn't have gotten an annulment after that. So Neal made another one of his nonstop drives.
The judge barely gave us the annulment. Neal was all over me in the courtroom. I'm telling them that he chippied on me all the time, and he'd beat me, and I wanted this annulment. There was a woman judge, and she called us into her chambers. We're sitting there in front of her, and Neal couldn't keep his hands off me. She kept saying, “Are you sure you kids want an annulment? You seem like you get along quite well together.” Because Neal wasn't with the program at all; he should've at least acted like he was upset. But when she kept asking us if we really wanted the annulment, Neal started laughing. He says, “No, no, no, I always chippy on her. I'm always running around with other women!” I'm telling her, “He beats me all the time!” and then Neal would give me a big kiss! It was an insane scene. This judge, she just didn't know what was happening, but she finally gave in and we got the annulment.
We were gone for a whileâten days, or maybe a couple of weeks.
We drove back to San Francisco through another snowstorm. It seemed like we were always going through snowstorms. That trip was in March too. When we reached California, we went through the Sierras, and they were still having snow.
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Neal Cassady in the driver's seat, on the way to Bolinas, 1962. (Photo by Allen Ginsberg or Charles Plymell; courtesy of Allen Ginsberg Estate.)
N
eal married Carolyn Robinson on April 1, 1948, in San Francisco. Through his uncle, Hinkle had already been hired to his life's job on the Southern Pacific Railroad; impressed at his fistful of pay stubs, Neal asked Al to help him get hired too. Soon Neal was earning a good salary on the railroad, and according to his letters, seemed to be enjoying his new domestic life with Carolyn. He hadn't written anyone during those few months of confusion and terror when he had been so torn between Carolyn and Lu Anne, but now he wrote both Jack and Allen about all his newfound pleasures. He also started work on his autobiography, which would never be finished, and which would be published posthumously as
The First Third
. He especially hoped Jack would consider coming out to San Francisco and getting work on the railroad too, with the idea that they could eventually live and raise families near, maybe even next door, to each other. Although Jack was still working on his first big novel,
The Town and the City
, he had no money and no real life of his own. He was living with his mother, Mémère, and his
sister Caroline and her husband and newborn son in Rocky Mount, North Carolina.
eal married Carolyn Robinson on April 1, 1948, in San Francisco. Through his uncle, Hinkle had already been hired to his life's job on the Southern Pacific Railroad; impressed at his fistful of pay stubs, Neal asked Al to help him get hired too. Soon Neal was earning a good salary on the railroad, and according to his letters, seemed to be enjoying his new domestic life with Carolyn. He hadn't written anyone during those few months of confusion and terror when he had been so torn between Carolyn and Lu Anne, but now he wrote both Jack and Allen about all his newfound pleasures. He also started work on his autobiography, which would never be finished, and which would be published posthumously as
The First Third
. He especially hoped Jack would consider coming out to San Francisco and getting work on the railroad too, with the idea that they could eventually live and raise families near, maybe even next door, to each other. Although Jack was still working on his first big novel,
The Town and the City
, he had no money and no real life of his own. He was living with his mother, Mémère, and his
sister Caroline and her husband and newborn son in Rocky Mount, North Carolina.
But Neal could not get Lu Anne out of his system. He grew tormented again when she became seriously involved with a seaman named Ray Murphy, and was stunned when she accepted Murphy's marriage proposal. He seemed unable to believe that she would actually go through with the marriage. But Lu Anne, as if to insist further on the finality of their break, went home to Denver to await Murphy's return from a long sea voyage. In a letter to Kerouac in June, Neal made a not-so-veiled reference to Lu Anne as “my cause of neurosis.”
On September 7, 1948, Carolyn gave birth to a daughter, Cathleen Joanne Cassady. Neal wrote Jack that she was his fifth child, but only the first one that he would actually keep and raise. Neal seems to have loved the baby a great deal; but in early December, when he and Hinkle were laid off from the railroad, he took the family savings, bought a brand-new maroon Hudson automobile, and asked Hinkle to take a trip with him.
According to Hinkle, Neal never said what the ultimate destination was, though he mentioned “maybe going back to Denver for a while.” Although Neal never stated as much, it seems what he was really after was reconnecting with Lu Anne. Because he had been working longer, Al would have unemployment compensation to live on; Neal would leave Carolyn with nothing to live on. Since they needed extra money for the road, Al asked his girlfriend Helen to come along. Helen agreed, so long as Al married herâwhich he did. In a travel bureau in San Francisco, they also picked up another rider to help with gas money, a sailor bound for Kansas. No one seems to have worried about the fact that, with his limited funds, Neal had chosen to add a radio to the car instead of a heater.
Tired of Neal's smoking pot with Al, as well as his refusals to stop
for food or rest, Helen began complaining quite vociferously. Neal solved that problem by dropping her off in Tucson. Having more scruples than Neal, Al at least gave her his railroad pass, and told her to ride to New Orleans, where she could stay with William Burroughs and his wife, Joan. Al promised they'd pick her up in a week. Then, in the middle of New Mexico, and much to the sailor's chagrin, Neal turned the Hudson due north for Denver. The sailor quickly bailed out, and their new destinationâafter picking up a certain blonde female who was now wearing an engagement ringâbecame New York. Of course, there would be a slight detour to North Carolina to pick up Neal's “blood brother,” as he had taken to calling Jack.
for food or rest, Helen began complaining quite vociferously. Neal solved that problem by dropping her off in Tucson. Having more scruples than Neal, Al at least gave her his railroad pass, and told her to ride to New Orleans, where she could stay with William Burroughs and his wife, Joan. Al promised they'd pick her up in a week. Then, in the middle of New Mexico, and much to the sailor's chagrin, Neal turned the Hudson due north for Denver. The sailor quickly bailed out, and their new destinationâafter picking up a certain blonde female who was now wearing an engagement ringâbecame New York. Of course, there would be a slight detour to North Carolina to pick up Neal's “blood brother,” as he had taken to calling Jack.
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Lu Anne:
Neal was driving cross-country with Al Hinkle, and he came and got me in Denver. It wasn't snowing in Denver yet when Neal came after me, so I always thought it was around Thanksgiving, but Al swears it was just before Christmas. In any case, we headed straight for Rocky Mount, North Carolina, to pick up Jack. It took us about six or seven days to get there.
Believe me, that trip across the country was a test of endurance for all of us. It was a grueling thing. I don't remember if Jack wrote much about that or not. Again we had to drive with the windows down because of the frostâand whoever wasn't driving, the other two had to sit pressed against each other. Just to keep warm we had to hug each other. I mean, we practically had to crawl inside each other, because it was cold,
cold,
that winter!
8
And then, somewhere along the way, we slid off the road and landed in a damn ditch!
cold,
that winter!
8
And then, somewhere along the way, we slid off the road and landed in a damn ditch!
Neal got out, cussing of course. Any inconvenience, anything that disturbed the
plan,
drove him absolutely crazy. He ran off looking for help; and I don't know where in the world he dug him up, but within a very short time here he came with a farmer and these two horses. And they pulled us out of the ditch. We might have set there for two days, because it really was out in the middle of nowhere.
plan,
drove him absolutely crazy. He ran off looking for help; and I don't know where in the world he dug him up, but within a very short time here he came with a farmer and these two horses. And they pulled us out of the ditch. We might have set there for two days, because it really was out in the middle of nowhere.
So we went on our way, but it wasn't long before we ran out of money for gas. I mean, we literally didn't have any money. We ended up pawning everything we had except my diamond engagement ring and my watch.
9
That money ran out too. The only way we could make it across the country was to keep picking up people, hitchhikers, and getting a couple of bucks from them. Or sometimes we pulled into a gas station, and Neal knew how to run the pump. He'd put in some gas and run it back to zero, put in some more and run it back to zero again, quick before the guy got out and could see what we were doing.
9
That money ran out too. The only way we could make it across the country was to keep picking up people, hitchhikers, and getting a couple of bucks from them. Or sometimes we pulled into a gas station, and Neal knew how to run the pump. He'd put in some gas and run it back to zero, put in some more and run it back to zero again, quick before the guy got out and could see what we were doing.
Another time, we picked up an old wino. He wasn't really that old, but he seemed old to us at the time. He was probably in his forties. He told us he could get us some money for gas if Neal drove him home. So, of course, we went like two hundred miles out of our way and brought him home, and it turned out there was no money. That was when I went foraging in his room. It was the filthiest place I've ever been in. It was just a horror. And while Neal was out with this guy trying to find some money, Al and I found these old potatoes underneath the sink. They weren't rotten, but they were old and soft, sprouted, and we found an old greasy frying pan to cook them in. He had a little two-burner stove, so I burnt the pan off to clean it as much as possible, and then I fried those damn potatoes. They
tasted so good! The truth is, they were lousy. I probably couldn't even stand them if somebody served them to me now, but you should have seen the three of us eating them. You would have thought it was a gourmet meal! Oh God, we were so hungry!
tasted so good! The truth is, they were lousy. I probably couldn't even stand them if somebody served them to me now, but you should have seen the three of us eating them. You would have thought it was a gourmet meal! Oh God, we were so hungry!
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