One Man's Bible (15 page)
“You men are all bad.”
He said he wasn’t like that and only wanted to kiss her.
“Why?” she asked with a frown, as the whites of her eyes showed.
He let go of her and said he had never kissed a girl before. Little Five said she’d have to think about it.
His hands fell to his sides, and he hung his head. He did not expect to hear Little Five say, “Then go ahead and kiss me.”
He touched her tightly closed lips and immediately withdrew. Little Five closed her eyes, her lips relaxed, and he kissed her again. This time, her lips were thick and soft. He touched her firm breasts through her loose-fitting clothes, and the girl murmured, “Don’t hurt me. . . .”
His hand found its way inside her clothes and roamed over her swelling breasts. But he did not dare and had not considered having
sex with a girl he did not love. He did not yet know about lust, but he could tell that the girl was really passionate. Afterward, at the university, he received a letter from Little Five. It was a simple letter asking whether he would be back for the summer vacation.
That summer he didn’t return. It was the great famine that followed in the wake of the Great Leap Forward. During the summer vacation, university students were required to do voluntary labor, digging holes to plant trees in the Western Hills of Beijing. Everyone was swollen from hunger but nevertheless obliged to donate the whole vacation to carrying out these futile “good deeds.” He regretted that he had not been able to sink into total depravity when he was fooling around with Little Five that summer vacation, and he secretly wanted to be totally decadent.
In the taxi on the way to the airport, you and Margarethe hardly speak. It seems that everything has already been said, and the taxi is not the place for anything left unsaid.
At the entrance to the immigration barrier, she gives you a gentle hug—as she says you are just friends—her lips touch your cheek, then, without looking back, she goes in.
You had noticed the dark rings around her eyes, and even though she was wearing makeup, you guessed that her face must have been much paler. The two of you had not slept for three days and three nights, no, four days and three nights. From the first night after the play, you were up all night until the next morning, and then from night until the next day, and after that another night. Right now it should be the morning of the fourth day. It had been three days and nights of making love over and over again, striving to dig and suck in the other party, and you, too, were exhausted. It was a bout of sudden frenzied passion, then the temperate farewell of ordinary friends who did not know when they would meet again.
Outside the airport, you come into the brilliant sunshine and steaming heat. There is a long queue at the taxi ramp, and you are extremely tired. When you get into the taxi and the driver asks where you want to go, you hesitate, then simply say “Central,” the hub of the bustling city. You do not want to go straight to the hotel, to that empty bed. Her bare body is already linked to the room, the bed, and your thoughts. You have grown used to talking with her, and the words of your inner mind, when you are talking to yourself, always address her, what you say is for her to hear. She has deeply penetrated your feelings and thoughts. When you took possession of her body, she took possession of both your body and mind.
“Where do you want to go in Central?” The driver can tell that you are from the Mainland and he asks you in hesitant Mandarin.
You have dozed off in the taxi, and, opening your eyes, ask, “Is this Central?”
“Yes. What street do you want?”
The taxi pulls over to the curb. In the rearview mirror, you see the driver scowling, he doesn’t want to drive around in circles looking for a destination you can’t name. You pay the fare and get out. High buildings soar up on both sides of the road, and for a while you can’t get your bearings. You follow the road, but, oddly, there aren’t many pedestrians, yet Central is usually thronging with crowds and very noisy. Also, there is not the usual traffic congestion, there aren’t many cars, and the traffic is moving briskly. Afterward, you find that the shops are all shut, although the windows still have their displays on show. The tall buildings block out most of the sunlight, so it is only the middle of the road that is bright. You can’t help feeling that you are daydreaming.
You recall her saying she had to get back to Frankfurt by Monday, that the company she was working for had a business meeting with its Chinese counterpart, and at this you realize that it is Sunday. On the morning of this day of rest, the usual thing is for families or friends to arrange to get together for breakfast in one of the many restaurants. For the nonstop-busy people of Hong Kong, this is a form of entertainment.
For a whole month, there have been rehearsals, performances, dinner receptions, appointments, meetings, and you have never relaxed like this, strolling around on your own in the heart of this lonely town. You are just getting to know the city, but you don’t know if you will come back, just like you don’t know if you will ever see her again, ever be so close to her again, pouring out your frustrations and abandoning yourself to lust.
On the last night, she got you to rape her. It was not sex play, she really had you tie her up, got you to tie up her hands, got you to beat her with a leather belt, got you to beat the body that she hated. What she wanted to convey to you was the feeling that after rape, the betrayed and alienated physical body no longer belonged to her.
You tied her wrists with her panty hose, and, holding the metal buckle of the belt, lightly struck her with the end. You laughed in the dark to let her know it was a game to give her the sadomasochistic sexual pleasure she wanted, and she also laughed.
But that was not what she wanted, what she wanted was for you to really beat her. You started to hit her harder and harder so that you could hear the sound of the leather against her flesh. Her flesh convulsed and contracted, but she didn’t call out to stop. You didn’t know how much she could bear, and when she called out in surprise, you immediately threw down the belt and went to caress her. She swore at you for being a fool, struggled to untie her hands and sat up. You apologized. She lay on her back in the bed, and you lay over her. Then as you felt her tears wetting your face, your own tears began to flow. You said you could not rape her and that you no longer had lust.
She said it was impossible for you to understand her suffering, the suffering of a promiscuous woman who had been raped. All you wanted was sexual enjoyment.
You said that you loved her, and, because you loved her, you could not rape her. You said you hated violence.
She also said she wanted you to cry, that when you cry you are
more real. She became gentle and loving and kept stroking you, stroking you all over.
A one-hundred-percent woman, you said. No, a wanton woman, she said. You said no, she was a good woman. She said no, you didn’t know, after some time you would hate her. It was impossible for her to live the life of a normal woman, because she could never be satisfied. She really wanted to have a life with you, but it was impossible. Furthermore, you would have to forgive her for this psychosis of hers. She did, in fact, want a peaceful and secure life, but no one would be able to provide her with that sort of peace and contentment. And you would not marry a woman like her, you only wanted her body for the enjoyment you wanted but had not yet found.
You said you were afraid of marriage, afraid of being controlled by a woman. You had a wife. You knew what marriage was about. For you, freedom was more precious than anything, but you couldn’t help loving her. She said she could not be your lover, you obviously had a woman, and if you didn’t have one you would find one. In fact, you were gentle and fairly honest—she said she had said “fairly” and that she was not exaggerating. You said she was a very lovely woman. But was she like this with all men? She said she had given much of herself to you because she liked you, and that you, too, had given her much, it was equal. She also said that she had understood men too early and already had no illusions. People were practical: she was her boss’s lover, but he had to go home to his wife and children on weekends. She was his mistress and, apart from the weekends, she accompanied him on work assignments. Also, he needed her for doing business with China.
Her deep throaty voice, her voluptuousness, her frankness, were tangible and, just like her strong body, aroused your lust, inducing memories with the aftertaste of pain, but filling those memories with a sensuousness that made them bearable. Her voice continued to excite you, and it was as if she were chatting softly right next to you,
giving you her warmth and the fragrance of her body. Through her, your repressed lust was released, and recounting your memories to her brought both pain and joy. You needed to talk endlessly with her as you searched for those many memories, and, while you were talking, a profusion of small forgotten details kept surfacing with increasing clarity.
The Bank of China Building, glass from top to bottom, reflects, like a mirror, the strands of white clouds in the blue sky. The sharp corner of the triangular building is knife-thin, and Hong Kong people say that it is like a meat cleaver cutting through the heart of the city and destroying the excellent
feng shui
of the island. The building of some finance group alongside has been fitted with some odd metal contraptions, futilely, to resist the baleful influences of the Bank of China Building. This is how Hong Kong people deal with the problem. The palatial Victorian mansion of the Legislative Council, located in the middle of a cluster of tall buildings, is quite insignificant and symbolizes an era that will soon end.
Next to the Legislative Council, crowds are milling in the square with a bronze statue. There are crowds by the fountain, under the covered walkways, the pavements and even the road. You think you have come across some meeting or demonstration. But the people are talking and laughing, food is laid out on the ground, boom boxes are playing pop songs, only dancing is missing.
Amazed at the streets of picnic groups between the tall buildings, you thread your way through them until you come to the closed doors of the Prince’s Building where there is a banner with a portrait of Christ on the Cross. A priest is explaining the gospel, and the faithful are repenting in the open air. Eighty to ninety percent of the congregation are women, all with dark complexions. You suddenly realize that this is probably where the Filipino maids of rich Hong Kong families gather for recreation on Sundays. To support their families, these women work in Hong Kong so that they can send money back to the Philippines. There is a buzz of talking and laughing,
but you do not understand their language and cannot hear their pain of being away from home.
How long will this situation continue? Will new immigrants from the Mainland replace the Filipino maids? When the whole world is expelling immigrants, can this place be an exception? Of course, you need not worry yourself unnecessarily, the big buildings under the blue sky and white clouds will not crumble, and Hong Kong Island will not turn into a desert. At this instant, as you make a detour and move through the crowds, you are assailed by a profound loneliness, but this is the loneliness that has always been your salvation. In any case, you are not Christ and do not have to sacrifice yourself to enlighten the world. Moreover, there is no chance of your being resurrected, so what is important is for you to live properly in this present world.
Once again, you are plunged into the darkness evoked by the sound of her voice. As if in a dream, with one foot heavy and one light, you stagger about in broad daylight through this noisy crowd while fresh and old memories weave together.
You say Margarethe—speaking to her in your mind—the story of the new people is terrifying, but you no longer need to wash your heart and change your face to cleanse your errors and misdeeds. The pristine kingdom of that brand-new society was nothing but a huge fraud. People who did not understand, were confused, could not explain their own actions—that is, living human beings—were subjected to interrogation about themselves to such an extent that they lost the very basis for their existence.
What you want to say is that Margarethe does not need to purify herself, there is no need for her to repent, and, moreover, rebirth is impossible. She is, she is just like you!
A woman had given you life. Heaven is a woman’s womb, whether it is the womb of one’s mother or a prostitute. You would prefer to sink into the dark chaos rather than have to pretend being a virtuous man, a new person, or the follower of some religion.
You are on an overhead bridge with an endless stream of cars speeding below. On Sunday, there are few people on this normally busy thoroughfare between the tall buildings and the shops. You lean on the rail and look down on the road below. You are really tired. There are still two more performances of your play and there is more than an hour to the matinee show at two o’clock. The evening show is at seven o’clock, and after that performance there will be photo ops with the actors, and then dinner, which will go on until quite late. You should catch up on some sleep but are reluctant to go back to the hotel. She still pervades your senses, that wild frenzy before parting, the smell of her body with your semen smeared on her heaving breasts.
You go down to the street and come to a movie theater, and, without finding out what is playing, you buy a ticket and go in. You need to be alone in the darkness, to be engrossed in your thoughts about her. It is a Hong Kong slapstick comedy. Your eyes close, you understand little Cantonese, and this is just the thing for taking a nap. The seat is soft and comfortable, and you stretch out your legs. It is your good fortune to have won the freedom to express yourself, there are no taboos, and you can say whatever you want to say and write whatever you want to write. Maybe, as she had suggested, you should write all this down for yourself as a record. You should look with transcendent eyes upon yourself, a man who is an animal with a consciousness, an animal stranded in a human forest.
You have nothing to complain about. To be able to enjoy life, you have paid a price, but, apart from lies and bullshit, what doesn’t come at a cost? You should articulate your experiences in writing, leave traces of your life, just like the semen you ejaculate. Surely blaspheming the world will bring you joy! It has oppressed you, and you have the right to seek revenge like this.
There is no hatred. Margarethe, do you hate? You asked her if she hated you, and she shook her head as she laid it on your belly. You stroked her tangled mass of soft hair and let her suck you. She said
she was your slave and you were her master, she belonged to you. You were less generous and just kept taking.
You should regain your equilibrium, look at the world, including yourself, with normal eyes. The world is like this, and will continue to be like this. A person is so insignificant, and one can achieve nothing more than making such a gesture.
When you wake up, the lights are on, and people are quickly getting up and leaving. You come out of the theater, hail a cab, and return to the hotel. When the woman at reception hands you the key, there are two telephone messages for you, to return calls. They are probably for dinner appointments, but at night, you have a farewell dinner with the actors and you can’t go off somewhere else. Back in your tidy room, there are no items of her clothing on the bed, floor, or desk; it is as if a woman had not stayed here with you. You can’t help feeling sad, and lie down fully clothed on the bed. The freshly changed, newly laundered sheets and pillowcases smell clean, and the air conditioner is humming. Not a sign of her or a trace of her smell remains, and, unfortunately, no surveillance camera to prove she had made love with you and that you had not been hallucinating.