One Voice 02 - Here Without You (3 page)

Gonna stop here for a second and make a kind of public service announcement. All I can say is that this is a blog, so my plan is that someday I want lots of people to read it to learn about gay love—and about the gay love of
three
dudes. You know, so the world can see that what the three of us have together isn’t some nonstop sex fest or some kind of experiment or a joke. It’s a real, loving relationship.

We must have stood there like that for a full minute. Nate’s big hands roved all around on Casey’s back, assuring the little guy that he was really there. And the two of us stared at each other like we’d never seen each other before and we never would again. Finally Casey lowered his legs to the ground and grabbed Nate’s hand.

“Come on. Zander needs you too.”

Nate smiled when Casey said that.

I met them in the middle and hugged Nate around the waist, saying something like “Good to see ya, man.” It barely scratched the surface of what I was feeling, but it was a start.

As we walked together to the dorm, Casey clung to Nate’s hand, and I let him because he needed it. My eyes were drawn to them, though. I couldn’t stop studying the beauty of the contrast—petite and fragile Casey, light hair and skin, with wide blue eyes like a kid—and Nate, broad-shouldered and muscular, as dark as Casey was light, his long black hair brushed ’til it was smooth and falling around his shoulders. But what kept drawing me in, making me study him, was his eyes. The haunted look that was in them when I first got to know him junior year was back. In a major way.

“You guys musta set up your room real nice by now. Last time I saw it was the day you guys moved in, and shit was everywhere.”

“It’s
our
room, Nate. Just because you don’t live there with us all the time doesn’t mean anything. You belong there too.”

Casey always said the sweetest shit, and I quickly jumped on that wagon. “Yeah. Casey’s right. We pushed the beds together before you got here so we could… you know.” I was rambling almost like I was nervous or something.

Nate looked at me and winked. “Can’t wait to check out them beds.”

I got this tingling feeling—like everywhere. I seriously wanted to run back to the room and beg my guys to run right along beside me, but I played it cool. When we got to the dorm, Casey practically dragged Nate to the second floor where our room is.

“We put pictures of the three of us all over this cork bulletin board that hangs above my desk. And I made all of these little hearts out of pink tissue paper. And we got some huge pushpins, and it looks really good. And over Zander’s desk, I hung that peacock feather poster you guys gave me for Christmas junior year—remember it? It makes me feel a little bit better when I’m down and when I’m missing you so badly I think I can’t stand it for another minute.”

Casey was in full rambling mode. I smiled, and when I looked at Nate, he was grinning too.

S
TRANGERS
ARE
going to be reading this someday, and you guys don’t know much about our relationship. So in the interest of the blog, I will say that, to this point, although we’ve been together for about a year and a half, the three of us haven’t had sex. Like, yeah, we’ve fooled around, as in touching. But we haven’t gone further than that.

You’re probably wondering why the hell not. I mean, it’s not like one of us can get preggo or anything. And sure, we’re guys, and sure, we get horny. But news flash. We also have this thing called self-control. More than anything else, though, we care about each other, and we
want
to take things slow.
Surprised
? Well don’t be. And yeah, you heard me right. Three horny gay guys decided to wait ’til the time is right to have sex. And the time wasn’t right in high school.

Nate has now had all the tests to check for sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS and shit, seeing as he is the only one of us who isn’t a virgin. **Side note: everybody who has been in a sexual relationship should have these tests.** We’ve gotten to know and trust each other fully, and we now finally have a chance to be truly alone—no parents or little sisters to interrupt us. The time is coming for us to get closer.

C
ASEY
’
S
REAL
LIFE

I
WAS
so gloriously, deliriously happy to have Nate with us that I actually couldn’t see straight. I also knew I was chattering on and on like somebody had wound me up and let me go, but I just couldn’t help myself. And as far as “Casey’s legendary relentless babbling” goes, Nate and Zander had long ago told me that my nonstop chattering was one of the things they loved most about me, so I wasn’t self-conscious about my little habit. In addition, I believed them because they were both kind of quiet guys, so somebody had to fill up all of the empty air with words.

All I knew was that I needed to get Nate and Zander together on our newly pushed-together almost-like-king-size bed. I needed to feel their skin surrounding me. The warmth. The safety. I needed to revel in the exquisite feeling of
belonging
that only existed when the three of us were together.

I noticed a subtle change come over Nate when we brought him into the dorm, and it became more pronounced as we passed some guys we knew on the stairs and then in the hallways when we exchanged greetings. He seemed to sort of shrink into himself, and it didn’t take a rocket scientist to sense his insecurity. I knew Nate felt like he was somehow less than those of us who were studying for our degrees at college.

So I set my mind to the task of letting him know how worthy, indispensable, and utterly essential he was to Zander’s and my happiness.

Thankfully by the time we got to our room, Zander had already taken his key out, so I didn’t have to scramble around for mine. He unlocked the door. I couldn’t have helped much, as my hands were literally trembling—with anticipation, concern, desire, emotional need. So many emotions were swirling around inside my head it was affecting my coordination.

Nate hesitated for a few seconds before he stepped through the open door. Once he got inside, he looked all around and then said softly, “Your room kicks ass, you guys.” I noticed his eyes settled momentarily on that peacock feather poster they had given me right after I was assaulted in high school, as if it were a safe place to rest them.

Zander, who was standing off to the side, stepped behind Nate and closed the door. Then he reached up, put his hands on the back of Nate’s shoulders, and squeezed, saying, “Make no mistake about it, dude. This is
our
room. Yours, mine, and Casey’s. You just can’t be in it all the time.”

I looked up at Nate to gauge his reaction, but his face remained stoic, as if he hadn’t heard what Zander said. I knew he needed physical proof that we were still
all his
. He didn’t have anybody but us and Cindy, and knowing we belonged to him meant everything to him. I took his hand and led him to the bed, but before I pushed him down, I reached up and started unbuttoning his flannel shirt. His dark eyes were wide as he stared almost stonily across the room, in the direction of Zander’s desk. I knew he was trying to adjust to the intense emotions.

Within thirty seconds, Zander had his hands on Nate’s belt and then on the button fly of his worn jeans. We had our man stripped to his wrinkly cotton boxers in less than two minutes. Then together we pushed him down on his back on the bed, and I heard a very un-Nate-like whimper come from his lips.

“We got ya, dude,” Zander said as we surrounded him, but Nate protested.

“Nah… no, want Casey ’tween us two.” I could tell he had trouble croaking out the words.

Who am I to argue?

I pulled off my polo shirt and my khakis, and boom, I flopped down in the middle of Zander and Nate. I took hold of both their faces, one in each hand, and I looked from Nate to Zander and then back. “Oh my God, I love you guys so much and….”

A few tears escaped the corners of my eyes, but I didn’t care. The blissful feeling of being completely surrounded by my guys was too much to stay dry-eyed. And looking at their yearning faces, I could tell I wasn’t the only one needing more.

“You got too many clothes on, Zane.” Nate somehow found the presence of mind to wink at Zander. “Strip down, bud.”

For once Zander wasn’t coy. He yanked off his jeans first and then threw his T-shirt onto the floor in a heated rush. He was sort of panting already. It had been a while since we’d been intimate, and he was needy. Okay,
I
was needy, and from the look of the pup tent in Nate’s boxers, he was needy too.

So I broke the ice and asked with a grin, “What are you guys waiting for?”

That’s when their lips descended on me.

Zander went straight to my lips, while Nate took the roundabout route, licking my earlobe with the tip of his tongue, sliding his mouth down to that sensitive spot behind my ear, and then tasting the hollow beneath my chin. Zander’s lips worked mine almost roughly. I felt like the victim of a ravenous feeding frenzy, and no, that was not a complaint.

“Kiss me, Nate.” Zander’s voice was gravelly and rough, and he craned over me to get a taste of Nate’s mouth. Nate was happy enough to comply, and I’m pretty sure I allowed my own soft whimper of approval to escape as I watched them kissing just above my chest.

“Too horny, might come already….”

I was surprised to hear that confession from Nate. He was usually the last one of us to achieve orgasm, always making sure we were satisfied before he allowed his own satisfaction.

Tonight was gonna be different, and it seemed Zander agreed. “Well, that’s not a problem, Nate. Let’s all come quick this time and then chill with it the second time around.”

Nate and I nodded eagerly, and I slid my hands into my boyfriends’ boxers. In short order, their hands were on my privates, stroking and exploring. I had the best end of the deal.

And for the first time ever—maybe it was because we were sexually needy but more likely because we were desperate for each other’s very presence—our three mouths came together at once. There was no rhyme or reason to our kissing. Our tongues were out, and we just rubbed them together with wide-open mouths and made all kinds of sounds, ranging from gasping breaths, to low moans, to phrases like “don’t stop,” “missed ya,” and “feels good.”

Nate and Zander bucked their hips up into my hands, and I followed suit into their hands, though I got to push into one tight fist while another hand cupped my balls. I wasn’t sure who was doing what to me. It really didn’t matter. Soon we were all losing it, releasing into each other’s hands. And then all at once we took a mutual, deep “after the climax” breath, which was almost as good as the big event itself.

The only sound in the room was that of the heavy breathing of three satisfied men. And since everybody knew I would speak first, I did. “Oh, my fucking God.”

I’d swear I felt the air rush past my face as two heads jerked toward me at once.

“You don’t never curse, Casey.” Nate offered an astute observation as he gawked at me with an open mouth.

“I guess I don’t,” I admitted.

Then Zander chimed in. “So what the hell was
that
all about?” I knew he wasn’t disappointed in my foul language, because he asked it with a smile.

“It’s just so good to be with you guys like this—like I’m lost in a combination of love, need, and relief, you know? I thought the use of the word ‘fucking’ was called for in this circumstance.”

Nate and Zander laughed out loud, and that’s when Sexual Round Two started up.

W
E
ATE
dinner at College Pizza. Nate insisted on paying, as he was the one with both a full-time and a part-time job. Nate and I sat on one side of the booth, with Nate on the outside, across from Zander, so he could stretch out his long legs in the aisle

“So where’s Cindy this weekend?” I could tell by Zander’s devious expression that he was doing something naughty to Nate under the table with his foot.

“She’s with my aunt and cousins. Didn’t much think she was gonna go for it, right? But finally she said she’d go, after Aunt Terri told her she was takin’ Jana to the mall. Cindy was like, ‘I’m in.’” He closed his eyes and gasped when he finished explaining, and I figured Zander’s foot had reached the sensitive spot, high on Nate’s inner thigh.

“Thank God for that. An offer to go to the mall
is
very difficult to say no to.” I loved going to the mall too, but with premed studies, I hadn’t been to a mall in ages.

Nate and Zander stared at me for a second, because they
hated
the mall.

“I forked out a bunch of cash, and she was all pumped.” Nate spoiled his little sister a lot.

“What really matters is that she isn’t alone with Rich.” Zander spoke, his lips curling with obvious distaste. He hated Nate’s Uncle Rich ten times more than he hated the mall.

Nate nodded, chewing a bite of his spicy chicken barbeque pizza. “Can’t have none of that. He’d slap her silly if she started in on him.”

Zander and I exchanged conspiratorial glances, because we’d discussed this situation a few times over the last couple of days. We were both of the opinion that Cindy often riled up her uncle and let Nate take the fall. We just weren’t sure why she did that. But we kept our mouths shut about it and finished up the last of two pizzas. I personally preferred the chicken Alfredo with spinach pizza pie, but Zander and Nate had each chowed down on both flavors like starving men.

“How’s shit with your uncle and you, man?”

I had been wondering if Zander was going to ask that.

Shrugging, Nate said, “Fair, I s’pose. Ain’t got no black eyes, right?” He chuckled a bit. Zander and I just gawked at him.

“Nate, he can’t treat you like his perfect little punching bag. You need to tell us if he lays a finger on you… or Cindy.” Zander was mad, I could tell. “And speaking of Cindy, man. She gets him pissed off, and then you have to take the ass-kicking so she doesn’t.”