Only You (17 page)

A pause followed, then another message. “It’s eleven forty-five. Why aren’t you at work? Your home phone is still out of order. I’m going to call back at one, and if you’re still not here, I’m sending the police over to check things out.”

The phone rang at twelve-thirty. Caitlin steeled herself as she picked it up. “Love, Incorporated.”

“Caitlin!” Max bellowed. “Where the hell have you been?”

“Hello, Max. I ran Jordan by the doctor this morning.”

“Doctor? Is he all right? I’ll catch the first plane back—”

“It’s just chicken pox, Max. He’s fine.”

“What’s the matter with your home phone? It’s out of order. All I’ve gotten are busy signals.”

“I’ll check it out,” Caitlin murmured. “I hope your trip is going well.”

“I miss you like hell, sweetheart.”

I miss you too, she thought to herself, but didn’t say the words out loud. “Thanks for calling, Max. I, uh, I have some things to do here before I can get Jordan back home. I’m sure you’re busy too.”

“Not too busy to talk to you.” Max sounded worried. “What’s the matter, Caitie? Is something else wrong? You don’t sound like yourself.”

“I’m just tired, Max. Everything is fine.”

“Dammit, Caitlin! Why are you speaking so formally to me. For God’s sake, don’t push me away again.”

Caitlin’s eyes filled with tears, but she kept her anguish from showing in her voice. “I have to go, Max.”

“I’ll call you tonight. Your phone better be fixed by then.” Max’s words were clipped. “We have to talk.”

“Yes,” Caitlin said miserably. “I guess we do.”

The safe haven of Max’s embrace beckoned like a lighthouse beacon in a dense fog. She wanted to be in the harbor of his arms and never venture out to the seas alone again. But she resolutely pushed the thought away. She couldn’t lean on anyone. Not ever again.

When the telephone rang that night, Caitlin let Jordan answer it. She listened as he happily told Max about his “chicken pops” and about getting to miss school next week. When Jordan handed the phone to Caitlin, her knuckles clenched white
on the receiver and she took several deep, steadying breaths before lifting it to her ear.

“Hello, Max.”

“How are you, Caitie?” Max’s voice sounded subdued.

“I’m okay. How’s your business?”

“It’s going well. I should be able to leave tomorrow afternoon.” Max chose his words prudently as he tried to pick his way through the mine field she’d thrown in front of him. He felt as if everything might blow up at any moment.

Why, in God’s name, couldn’t she tell him what was wrong? He’d told her he’d fight all the dragons she had, but he couldn’t fight what he couldn’t see. “Talk to me, Caitie,” he urged softly.

“I just need some time, Max. Everything’s moving too fast. I need some time and space.”

“What are you saying?”

Caitlin made sure her voice would sound cool and steady before she spoke. “I’m saying that perhaps … we shouldn’t see each other for a while.”

“Not see each other?” Max asked cautiously. What was going on here? His heart began to pound in slow, painful thuds. “For how long?”

“I don’t know.”

“Caitie, I—look, we can’t discuss something like this over the telephone. I’ll be back by three tomorrow afternoon. I’ll come straight to your house.”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea—”

“I’ll be by tomorrow afternoon.” His tone left no room for argument. “You’d better be at home.”

Caitlin didn’t sleep much that night either, arguing with herself as she lay in what she admitted was a very lonely bed. She loved being with Max. She
loved making love with Max. But she didn’t want to have to depend on him—or anybody—for anything. She couldn’t risk everything on just one roll of the dice. Why couldn’t they just continue their affair? It didn’t
have
to end in marriage, did it?

They could go on as they were doing now, spending pleasant evenings together, making love passionately. She wasn’t totally comfortable with this plan, but she was happy to come up with any kind of solution at all that would let her keep Max in her life without having to put it all on the line.

When Max arrived late Sunday afternoon, Caitlin greeted him with a smile and a kiss. If he’d been the sort of person to drop his jaw in astonishment, he would have tripped over his chin. But instead he eyed her with wariness.

“How’s Jordan?” was the first thing he asked.

“He’s not feeling too bad, but he gets tired easily. He’s taking a nap right now.” She hooked her hand through his arm and led him to the sofa. “Tell me about your trip.”

“Caitlin,” Max began, “we need to talk. Last night—”

“I’m sorry about what I said last night. Can we just forget it?”

“No. No, we can’t. Caitie, what’s going on?”

“Everything’s fine now. I did some thinking last night, that’s all, and everything’s okay.”

Max relaxed a little. She seemed to be completely satisfied and happy. He had to understand, though, what had made her try to pull away. “Caitie, I’d really like to know what’s been on your mind the past couple of days. Obviously you’ve worked it all out, but I believe we need to be
straight with each other about what we’re feeling.”

She fidgeted. He’s right, she thought, but she hated trying to discuss it. “I just felt, well, I felt crowded. I felt like maybe I was being pushed into a long-term commitment.”

“And you don’t want that,” Max said carefully, his face blank, his tone neutral.

“That’s right. But last night I realized that we can go on being—um—”

“Lovers?” Max supplied.

“Yeah.”

“Suppose I don’t want that?” He sounded brittle. “Suppose I want you not only in my bed, but in my life for good, Caitie?”

“Max, I don’t want a commitment right now. I’m not ready for it. But I’d still like to be with you.”

Max got to his feet. “I see. I’m good enough to go to bed with, but not good enough to share the rest of your life with?”

Caitlin stood too. “Max, that’s not what I mean.”

“Isn’t it? It’s just one more way you’re pushing me away.”

“No, I’m not—”

Max looked bitterly weary. “Caitlin, I’m in love with a warm, beautiful woman. I want to make a life with her. And her son, whom I love as much as if he were my own. But she keeps pushing me away. I keep coming back for more, but now I’m tired. Now I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels, going nowhere except maybe backward.”

He looked at her for several moments. “I’m thirty-four years old, Caitlin, and I want a home and a family with a woman who loves me as much as I love her. Do you know you’ve never even said those words to me?”

“Max—” Caitlin stopped. She didn’t know what to tell him. “Max …”

“Don’t say anything, Caitlin. Just think about it. If you decide you’re ready for a real relationship, let me know.” He sighed heavily. “But right now I’m tired, Caitlin. When it was just the past intruding, well, that I could deal with. But now it’s you. And I can’t fight you.” With that Max left, quietly pulling the door shut behind him.

It had been a week since Caitlin had seen Max. She’d stopped telling herself it was better this way. She no longer believed it anyhow.

At first, when she hadn’t been able to sleep, feeling restless and unsettled, she’d tried to convince herself she was just too wound up. It wasn’t that she missed Max. When sleep did come, it came with dreams of Max holding her, kissing her, touching her. The dreams were so vivid she could feel Max’s strong arms around her, see the golden glints in his thick brown hair and his blue, blue eyes. Were they Caribbean blue, royal blue, periwinkle? She could hear the rough timbre of his laughter, and it made her want to laugh back, made her feel safe and warm. It was a laugh she could listen to for the rest of her life.

When she awoke, her whole body would ache with loneliness and she would turn to burrow into Max’s embrace, but he was never there. She would then spend the rest of the day in a foul mood, snapping at everyone and muttering impatiently
at work. Even Martha had come to wear a look of relief on her face when it was time to close up the greenhouse.

Caitlin had thought all along that a relationship between her and Max was impossible. He was so conservative, so neat, such a junk-food addict. He’d drive her crazy, and in no time have Jordan going to school in pinstripe suits and eating cheeseburgers. He was also stubborn and opinionated, the kind of man who would keep her from being strong, independent.

But as time passed, she found she couldn’t eat and her sour disposition never improved. Each day seemed longer and lonelier and more pointless than the one before. The only thing that got better was Jordan’s chicken pox, not that it made him easier to get along with. Instead, he became more cranky and grumbled why Max didn’t come by anymore, especially after each of the two times Max called to check up on him.

No, things were definitely not any better now that Max was out of their lives, Caitlin thought as she sat at her desk in the office. She was staring out the small window, wistfully watching the finches fight over the thistle seeds she’d just put out.

Her mind didn’t register the birds though. Instead, she saw Max—the way his hair tousled despite his efforts to keep it groomed, the gentle smile on his face when he spoke to Jordan, that little glint in his eye when he teased her. She’d give anything to see that glint now.

Her thoughts were so vivid that she could have sworn she smelled Max—that spicy fragrance that seemed uniquely him. And then she realized it
was
him. She spun around.

Was it her imagination or did he look thinner? Were those dark circles beneath his eyes? Still, despite all that, he looked good. Better than good. Wonderful. Even in his conservative dark suit and maroon tie. “Max …”

He gave a reserved nod. “Caitlin.”

“How are you?” Brilliant, she thought. What sparkling conversation.

“Fine. I understand from Jordan that he’s better.” His tone of voice was polite but stiff.

“Much. He’s back at school today and is even going camping with Rick and Patrick this weekend.”

“That’s nice,” he said. He pulled a folder out of his briefcase. “Here’s a copy of the contract you signed.”

Caitlin wanted to cry. The easy camaraderie was gone. Not even a smile broke the bleak formality of his expression.

“Max,” Caitlin called out as he turned to go.

He turned back and stood, waiting, as she fumbled for words. She wasn’t sure what she wanted to say. She knew only that she couldn’t let him walk away just yet. “Your nephews, um, did they get chicken pox from Jordie?”

“No, they seem to be fine.”

“I’m sure your sister wasn’t happy at the prospect though.”

“She wasn’t particularly upset. Said she’d rather have them get it over with now as opposed to later.”

“Oh, well, that’s good.”

“If you’ll excuse me,” Max said, looking pointedly at his watch, “I have another appointment to get to.”

“Oh. Of course. Um, thank you for dropping this by.” She stood to walk him to the door.

“I’ll see myself out.” Max turned and left, his footsteps crunching on the gravel. They sounded more steady than he felt, he thought. Once in his car, he let out the breath he’d been holding, and his shoulders slumped in defeat. He’d hoped, he’d prayed, but apparently she still didn’t want him.

His fingers clenched the steering wheel and his eyes burned. Oh, God, wasn’t there some way he could make her love him? But someone either loved you or she didn’t. And she didn’t. That ate at him like acid. Before long there’d be nothing left inside, he thought. He’d be just a shell. He felt as if he were leaving his heart behind as he drove away.

Caitlin stared at the door long after he’d left. She felt something on her cheek and reached up to brush it away, surprised to find it was a tear. It was followed by another, then another. Soon her face was wet and her shoulders shook with her sobs. She felt so empty inside, as if she’d never be full again.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

Caitlin jumped and turned around to find Donna looking at her in concern. She hastily wiped the tears away. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

“Bananas! Don’t hand me that. You were crying your heart out.”

“It’s nothing, I told you.”

“It’s Max, isn’t it?”

To Caitlin’s dismay, she felt more tears well up in her eyes. She nodded in resignation. “I guess it is.”

“So what’d you do this time?”

“Me?”

“I’ve known you since kindergarten, Caitlin. Even before Brad, you played it cool and distant—afraid of getting involved. Afterward, it was only worse. It stands to reason that you’ve tried to scare Max off.”

“I think I’ve succeeded.” Caitlin’s voice was muffled. “He brought some papers by this afternoon and he was so formal, so cold.” She propped her elbows on the desk and leaned her forehead on her hands. “Oh, Donna. I’ve really made a mess of it this time, and I didn’t mean to. I was just trying to be strong.”

“Strong? What’re you talking about?”

Caitlin sighed. “I’ve been leaning on other people so long now—you and Rick, Dr. Atlee, Martha—that I felt I should take care of things myself, not lean on anybody else. And Max—”

“I think I see,” Donna interrupted. “Caitlin, being strong doesn’t always mean dealing with everything by yourself. It also means realizing when you need someone and not being afraid to ask for help—or for love. But for what it’s worth, I doubt you’ve lost Max. If he loved you last week, he loves you this week. Love doesn’t die that fast or that easily.”

“Thanks.” Caitlin sat up, already feeling better. “I still don’t know what to do though.”

Donna grinned. “Hey, being strong also means going after what you want. So, go get him, tiger.”

Caitlin smiled back and reached for the phone. “I think I’ll do just that.” As Donna waved good-bye, Caitlin punched in the number to Max’s office. Unfortunately, all she got was the answering machine. Sighing, she left her name and
number and hung up. Just to be sure, she also called his house and left a message on that answering machine as well.

He hadn’t returned her calls by closing time, so she picked Jordan up from the sitter’s. When they got home she called Max’s number again and left another message. But he still didn’t call. “He probably doesn’t ever want to talk to me again,” she muttered morosely, then brightened. Maybe his appointment had just run long.