Ooh! What a Lovely Pair Our Story (43 page)

I was absolutely lost without him – I even considered flying out there, but when I texted Ant to find out the name of his hotel, he never replied.

Chapter 39

As officially the busiest year of our lives, both privately and professionally, 2006 was also when we devised, hosted and sold our first gameshow,
Poker Face
, which, I should say right from the off, was nothing to do with hitting people in the face with a poker. It was ‘the question-and-answer quiz with an element of bluff’. The idea was basically to play poker with questions instead of cards, so the contestants had to bluff about whether they knew any of the answers.

We tried it out with a few friends in the upstairs room of our local pub, and it seemed to work, so we went and pitched it to ITV. We met with Nigel Pickard, who was now the Director of Programmes, and Claudia Rosencrantz, who was still the Controller of Entertainment, at Soho House, a private members’ bar and restaurant in the middle of London.

At the dinner, we’d talked about
Takeaway
and
I’m a Celebrity
…,
as planned, and then we told them about our idea for a gameshow. ‘Great,’ Nigel said, ‘as long as it’s not another bloody question-and-answer quiz – I’m sick of them; all I ever get is question-and-answer quizzes.’ Never easily put off, we thought on our feet and asked him if he’d had a question-and-answer quiz where you don’t have to understand any of the questions or know any of the answers to win. He and Claudia both looked intrigued and, after a glass of wine, agreed to a pilot.

We did two series of
Poker Face,
with the winner of each final taking away £1 million – I know, £1 million. It was an incredible feeling to know that a show we’d invented would change people’s lives for ever. The format has since been sold to, at the last count, fifteen countries, including India, Columbia and Norway – apparently, it’s also very big in Portugal. A couple of years after we’d made the British version, we were in Australia
after finishing a series of
I’m a Celebrity
… and we went to Sydney to see Robbie Williams, who was playing a gig at the Telstra Stadium. There was a TV on backstage; and a trailer for the Australian version of
Poker Face
came on. It was a bizarre moment. I think it was just after
Neighbours
and right before
Home and Away.

We might have had an international TV hit on our hands, but we weren’t ready to rest on our laurels. We’d told the new production team on
Takeaway
that we wanted the latest series to really hit the heights, but what they came up with wasn’t really what we’d had in mind. The first Ant versus Dec challenge of that series was one of the scariest things we’ve ever done – and that includes an interview with John Lydon. We had to abseil down the side of the London Studios – on live TV. I still can’t quite believe we did it, but it was sprung on us during the live show and we didn’t have any time to really think about it. If we’d had a week of rehearsals, like we do with a lot of things, I’m not sure we would have gone through with it but, live, on the night, we just went for it.

As usual, the challenge was revealed to us just before an ad break. During that break, we got changed, and went up to the roof. Some Royal Marines talked us through what was about to happen. Their first tip was that we shouldn’t, on any account, look over the edge. I listened to what they said very carefully, took it all in and then looked over the edge. It was terrifying, and I immediately regretted it. I’d been relatively calm up till then.

Next thing I remember was a marine strapping me in and saying, ‘There you go, Dec.’ He was about to send me down the side of a twenty-four-floor building and he didn’t even know which one was Ant and which one was Dec. He told me to go down slowly, because if you hit the ground too fast you can injure yourself and, after Dec’s trouble with the motorbike, the last thing we needed was more casualties. Once we were harnessed in, a Klaxon sounded and off we went. Just like I’d been told, I went slowly, then I looked over at Dec, who was ahead of me and going much faster, which was really annoying, because no matter how scared you are, you still get into the competitive spirit.

I’ll be honest with you, once I’d gone off the roof, I just couldn’t wait to get to the bottom – partly because we’re both so competitive and partly because any sane person would. I remember going past all the floors of the building, looking through the windows and thinking, ‘I can’t believe how dirty those windows are… that’s a very messy desk, how can anyone work in such a mess?’

That’s what it takes to get you domesticated? Live abseiling?

I think so, yeah. It was incredible, exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. As soon as I got to the bottom, I had a moment where I had an important realization.

That we’d completed an incredible stunt?

No – that I’d won.

It was only in the pub the next day that the madness of what we’d done really dawned on us. A few people came up to us, saying how crazy they thought it was – some of them even bought us a drink, which, odd as it might sound, isn’t unusual when we’re in a pub together. Because we’re matey and laid-back on telly, people think they can just come up and say anything to us. It’s not uncommon for us to be sat in the pub having a drink with friends and for someone to pull up a chair and say, ‘All right, lads?’, join in our conversation and start trying to take the Mickey out of us. After a couple of minutes, they’re telling me how big my forehead is, or trying to crack jokes about Dec’s height. You can always spot those kind of people when you walk into a pub: they clock you early on and then, by the time they’ve had a couple of pints, well, it’s anyone’s game.

I suppose if we really wanted to avoid it, we shouldn’t stay longer than a couple of pints, but where’s the fun in that? We’d be home by 9.30 every night.

I was in a pub once and there was an old guy sat on his own, nursing a half of bitter. I felt a bit sorry for him, we got chatting at the bar and I bought him a pint.

You
got a round in – did they put a plaque up?

Later, as I was leaving, he looks at me and says, ‘Hey, you’re getting fat, mind.’ I couldn’t believe it.

You
were
carrying a little bit of holiday weight back then.

That’s not the point. I don’t go to people’s work place and tell them I don’t like what they’re doing, so it’s hard when they come up to you and say, ‘Your haircut’s s
and you’re fatter than you look on the telly.’

You’re absolutely right.

That
is
funny about you getting fat though.

In November of 2006, we flew out for the sixth series of
I’m a Celebrity
… and, two days before the show started, I got some terrible news from home. My Nanna Kitty had passed away. Getting the news while I was on the other side of the world was really tough and, of course, I immediately wanted to fly back for the funeral, but my mam wouldn’t have it. My mam was furious when I suggested it, she said that Nanna wouldn’t have wanted me to come home. I thought about it long and hard, spoke to Sarha about it on the phone and had a long conversation with Dec, and I decided to stay in Australia. The first show of that series was dedicated to Nanna. Of all the shows we do,
I’m a Celebrity
… was her favourite, so I like to think that dedication would have meant a lot to her. You couldn’t hope to meet a prouder grandma than my nanna – when she was in hospital, she insisted on telling every single person who her grandson was, whether they liked it or not. Of course I still miss her terribly, and I know she’d love the fact that she’s in this book.

Although Ant had a very difficult start to that series, things gradually got back to normal, and that trip ended up providing one of our most memorable TV moments. Wherever we are and whatever we’re doing, there are four words that are guaranteed to put a smile on our faces: ‘Dean’, ‘Gaff ney’, ‘live’, ‘trial’. Live Bushtucker Trials are, to put it mildly, a bit of an unknown quantity, and little did we know we were about to be involved in the greatest one ever.

It was also the most unprofessional you’ve ever been on telly.

If you didn’t see it, well, get on youtube and have a look and, if you did see it, then allow me to refresh your memory. Former EastEnder Dean Gaffney arrived in Australia halfway through the series and was thrust into the limelight with a live Bushtucker Trial called Bush Spa. It involved Dean sticking his head, feet and pretty much anything else you can imagine into sinks, buckets and containers full of a wide variety of critters and creepy crawlies. To say Dean went for it would be the understatement of the century.

Just thinking about it, I’m laughing already. Dean was already slightly in shock because he knew he was about to go straight into the camp, but when he was told he’d immediately be facing a live trial, he went into a kind of weird heightened state that was part shock, part excitement and part madness.

We were standing in the clearing, waiting for the live show to start, and Dean was already all over the place. Before the opening titles had even been played, he’d been sick in a bush and, after that, things just got worse. He couldn’t stop dry retching, and I thought he was going to faint. Ant had to hold on to him so he could keep his balance – I must say that, throughout the whole trial, Ant was brilliant.

Well, someone had to be – you were no use. While I was holding up a vomiting soap star, Dec was laughing. And I’m not just talking a little giggle or a snigger, I’m talking full-on hysterics.

I lost it – I completely and utterly lost it – my face was hurting with laughter even before we started.

Dean was terrified of everything. He spent the whole trial screaming and yelping and retching, and it was hilarious. We had to try and calm him down, but it was pretty pointless. And, by the way, he swore like an absolute trooper. There’s a slight delay on the TV, so it was dipped as much as possible but, being right there, we got pure, 100 per cent uncensored Gaffney. Halfway through the trial, we threw in a break, which gave us all the chance to have a bit of a breather – quite literally, in Dean’s case, as Medic Bob came in and clamped an oxygen mask to his face.

Well, that just set me off again.

No one has ever, ever responded to a Bushtucker Trial like that – not even Paul Burrell – and I’ll be astounded if anyone ever does again.

Afterwards, it was impossible to know if it had been great entertainment, or a slightly disturbing piece of television. It was either one of the best bits of telly we’d ever done, or a career-ending mistake. I actually felt a bit guilty. I’d spent half an hour laughing solidly at someone else’s misfortune.

We went back up to our office on site and both turned our phones on. We had over one hundred text messages between us. We often get texts about the show, but this was off the scale – and people loved it, absolutely loved it. I was so relieved.

In eight series of
I’m a Celebrity
…, it’s by far my favourite moment. It just goes to show that you can never predict what will happen on that show. Who’d have thought the bloke who used to walk Wellard round Albert Square would provide such TV gold?

Apart from Dean, the big star of that series was David Gest, who was another great example of how the show can change the public’s opinion of someone. Before he was voted out, he formed a very sweet friendship with Jason Donovan and Matt Willis. It was the most open series we’ve ever done – no one had a clue who was going to win. The last three were Matt, Jason and Myleene Klass, who’d also succeeded in changing what the public thought of her. And she did that by showing the viewers every single side of her. Literally – that white bikini was a masterstroke.

There was a reason Matt won it. It wasn’t the fact he’s a nice guy, which he is, or that he got on with everyone, which he did, it was the fact that he ate a kangaroo’s anus on national television. If that doesn’t make people pick up the phone, I don’t know what will. It’s amazing how immune we’ve got to the horrible things that are eaten in those trials. In the early days, when Uri Geller chowed down on a wichety grub, it turned our stomachs, but these days we think nothing of watching the celebrities munch their way through eyes, tongues, penises and testicles. And while we’re here, I should just say that what you see on your telly is a very edited-down version of what happens. Trust me, it takes a long, long time to chew a testicle before it pops. And, as for chewing a penis, well, it’s three times longer than it looks at home.