Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (20 page)

This is one area that caused my primary and me the most pain
in our relationship. I understood that there was veto power, that
if a relationship caused one of us enough pain, the other would
end it. It was even proof in some way that we were primary to
each other. But when I used it to veto someone, the real-life run
caused a lot of pain. I broke my own rule of everyone taking care
of their own needs. By using the veto, I made him responsible for
my needs; he refused to, and it crushed me. I would never accept
or negotiate veto power again in any relationship. I would listen
and consider my partner's side, and expect a good deal of listening and processing, but in the end everyone makes their own
choices.

Chloe, 29, and Dillon, 39, are relationship coaches who have been
together for four years and live in New York City. Chloe is adamantly
against veto power: "I think the concept of veto power in some ways
encourages people to just hold on to things until they are so agitated
that they want to veto." Her partner Dillon agrees: "For some people
the only way to make things safe is to actually throw up a wall. The
more savvy you are in taking care of your own needs and the more
savvy you are at making yourself feel safe, the less you need veto power."

Ultimately, I think, veto power can be a useful tool if it's used correctly Be clear about what it means and why you want it: you are
asking for and giving your partner the authority to nix a partner. It
does make some people feel safe and reassures them that their relationship is a priority, and it can be helpful if you are just trying out
nonmonogamy Veto power should not be put in place so that you can
avoid processing your underlying feelings or dealing with jealousy It
should not be used arbitrarily or abused just because you don't like
someone in a superficial way

The notion of veto power raises a broader issue: what happens
when you don't agree with your partner's choice of other partners? It
would be wonderful if we met all our partner's partners and totally
loved them, but that is not always the case. Sometimes you meet a
person your partner totally digs, and you just can't see the appeal.
Maybe the new person rubs you the wrong way, raises a red flag, or sets
off an alarm. Whatever you want to call it, you just don't like him. If
you know the person disrespects you or your relationship, then its
absolutely valid to raise this as a serious concern. If you think the
person lies about safer sex practices and is going to put you at risk,
bring it up. But if you just think the person is immature, annoying, or
a drama queen, it's much trickier.

We don't want to see our partners get hurt. We want to give them
good advice. We don't want to have to pick up the pieces of an explosion we could have predicted from day one. The truth is that
sometimes we have to sit by and let the ones we love make mistakes
and get involved in bad relationships. Be loving, be supportive, and
keep an open mind. If the shit hits the fan, no I-told-you-so's.

For some nonmonogamous partners, the presence or involvement of
each partner in romantic or sexual encounters is another issue to think
about. When you have sex or a date with another person, would you
like your primary partner to be there? Some folks, like a couple I met
in Boston years ago, adopt a simple rule: "We are a package deal." They
had sex with others together as a couple; neither partner ever went off
on their own. If you are turned on by watching your partner have sex
with another person or being watched as you do the same, sticking
together is a good option for you. Some people say that being present
and involved helps alleviate their fear and insecurity: if you're not
there, your mind can run wild with what might be happening. Another
couple was at the other end of the spectrum: "If she wants to hook up with someone else, I generally would rather not be around. We once
hooked up with another couple-she went with the husband and I
went with the wife. Just hearing her in the next room with him made
me really jealous; that's when I realized I didn't want to be there."

August and Stacy have been in a polyamorous relationship for five
years. On this particular issue, the two are very different. Stacy says,
"August is better with the in-your-face poly He has no issues seeing me
cuddle or have sex with my partners, but I am very uncomfortable
seeing him with his lovers. I guess what I mean is that August has very
few jealousy triggers and I have quite a few Working around them has
been difficult, and I often feel hypocritical asking him not to do something when he would have no issue with me doing it." August gives
some background: "Stacy and I figured out the `no sex in front of Stacy'
rule largely by accident, a couple years ago. After holding a sex party
at my house one weekend, she took off and then came back later to
find me in bed with someone else. We weren't doing anything, but it
freaked her out and there was massive drama and crying. This was
despite the fact that she had watched me have sex with others at the
party earlier in the weekend-once the context was outside of the
party, things were different. Since then we've stuck to a `no sex in front
of Stacy' rule in most cases, which has prevented a reoccurrence."

All three of us enjoy watching each other with other partners, so
we like to be there for it. Sometimes we will join in, other times
the two of us not participating will just watch and snuggle. All of
us must be present when sex occurs outside the triad. -Owen

If you and your partner like to attend sex or BDSM parties, clubs, or
events, then you may want to begin your exploration of nonmonogamy by making it "site-specific." Think of this as
nonmonogamy's version of the popular tourism slogan "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." You can agree to explore experiences with
other people only in a particular location (whatever your version of
Vegas is). Usually, these spaces are very erotically charged and provide
an opportunity-for the evening or a weekend-to step outside your
everyday lives as exclusive partners.

Such an open environment can help to ignite your sex drive and
lower your inhibitions, but remember that this doesn't mean anything
goes. You must negotiate limits and make an agreement beforehand
and stick to it. You should decide if you want to meet people and
accompany them to a hotel or somewhere else private, or you prefer to
play in a public space where others can watch.

While the idea of being watched may scare the crap out of you,
for some people what happens in public feels safer than what happens
in private, for a variety of reasons. First, you can watch or be nearby
when your partner is with someone else, which for some people is a
big turn-on; this also means you don't have to worry about your partner's physical safety. At an established event, you're more likely to
encounter people experienced in nonmonogamy and you have the
opportunity to hook up with people you don't have any social ties to.
And some people feel the public aspect is lighter, more sociable, and
less threatening than a one-on-one encounter in private.

When extracurricular experiences happen at specific places, they
feel more contained: we went, we met some people, we played, we came
home together. This is not just for beginners: plenty of nonmonogamy
veterans stick to this site-specific model, since it keeps the focus on the
primary relationship while allowing for additional experiences on
special occasions under special circumstances.

After a one-time experience or as part of an ongoing affair, will you kiss
and tell? And how much information will you share about other experiences and partners? This is an especially important point to discuss if you have a primary partner. You need to determine your comfort
level with sharing intimate details-both as the one who shares them
and the one who hears them. Think carefully about whether you'll
share these details, what you will tell each other and what you won't,
what you'd like to know and what you wouldn't.

Some partners may want to know only the basics: I had sex with
this woman in Philadelphia. The more details you supply, the more
there is to fret, worry, or get jealous over; so the less they know, the
better. Or, they may simply not be interested.

Others want more detail because they want to be kept in the loop,
but they also want to respect each other's privacy to some extent. Shari
says she and her husband are open with each other about other partners:

While the "in love" feelings are reserved for each other we are not
threatened by other feelings of closeness, or intense bonding, connected to other partners. We are aroused by seeing the other
happy and turned on to a person and like to hear about each
other's solo dates, but only to a point. We allow each other to have
emotional privacy and understand that the other partners touch
us in ways we can't with each other. We're happy that we each
have others in our lives who can do this for and with us.

Some people want all the details. This can fulfill two very different desires: putting a partner's mind at ease and turning them on. For
some, knowing the specifics helps mitigate their fear and jealousy:

I want to know the details about any emotional interest, entanglements, infatuations that she is feeling. And I will listen to as much
detail about her sexual attraction toward someone as that other
partner is comfortable with me knowing about. I try very, very
hard, sometimes not very successfully, to be respectful of other
peoples' boundary stuff about that. I have a general nosiness
thing going on. The more I know, the less I worry... I can tell the degree of how invested in the relationship she is and how much
I need to get to know that person. I don't usually have lots of
problems with jealousy and insecurity but when they do come up
it's when I don't know a lot about what's going on. If I feel really
left out of the loop about what's going on, then I will invent something, which is scary and threatening at that point. And if I know,
then almost always it's fine and nice and good. -Pat

For others, sharing details-specifically of sexual encounters-is
a turn-on. Ophelia says, "When it comes to my sexual adventures, I
always tell him the really juicy details while we are having sex; we both
enjoy that."

If you are not sure how much to tell a partner, ask him and get a
clear answer. And keep in mind that what you want to know and what
he wants to know can change. Check in often to get a sense of how
your information sharing is working for both of you.

What kind of relationship, if any, will there be among your different
partners? Do you want them to meet each other once, but that's all? Are
they part of the same community, so seeing each other frequently is
inevitable? Is it important to you that they get along? Do you want
them to be friends? Are you okay if they become lovers? People have
lots of opinions on this subject.

There's a need-to-know level. But there's definitely not a need-tolike level. I don't have to fuck them. -Kathleen

We may not really like each other but we respect each other's
place in his life. -Lena

My partners meeting and getting to know one another is very
important to me. -Marcus

If it's somebody that [my primary partner] has a really serious
relationship with, then I think it's absolutely required-in order
for things to function well for me to have a good relationship
with that person too. -Pat

Shari, 48, is an adult entertainer, educator, and author whose
marriage is nonmonogamous. She makes an important point about
privacy and discretion and how it can help facilitate partners getting
along with each other: "Our other partners know of each other, certainly. Our female partners do know each other from work [in the
adult industry] . We never talk about one playmate to another, or what
we do, or how we feel about her, to any of the others. We keep each
one pretty private. This is an important aspect of why it works. Each
relationship is its own thing, and each woman is her own person, with
her own charms, needs, and compatibilities. We treat them like the
individuals they are. This way, we can all be in the same room and
there's no unpleasant energy flying around."

Our primary rule is not "anything goes," it's "everything is negotiable." -Owen

Everyone is responsible for getting their own needs met. -Barbara

I will generally not make agreements in relationships that do not
permit me to express myself in a way that feels authentic to me.
If I do, then I am prone to resentment if it continues. -Kathleen

Rules outline behavior, reflect each person's limits and boundaries, and
spell out the expectations that all parties have agreed to. Rules help
guide people to know what's okay and what's not. Rules allow people
to feel safe, reassured, and secure, and thus they are an important tool
in creating successful open relationships. Many people are comfortable with the term rules and its associated meanings, while others don't like
the word itself. They believe that rules are about confining, controlling,
and limiting people's behavior, and they don't wish to do this to their
partners. Whether you embrace the concept of rules or not, it's important to come up with a set of terms and guidelines, agree to them, and
honor your agreement. What you agree on could be typed on six
single-spaced pages, hashed over in a series of emails, or boiled down
to one or two verbal statements you make to one another.

Keep in mind that some of your guidelines may determine or
inform others. For example: if you hook up with someone while you're
out of town, I don't need to meet her; but if you're going to have an
ongoing sex buddy in town, I want to be introduced. Along these lines,
existing rules and boundaries that you have with one partner may limit
or even define the rules you have with another.