Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (32 page)

You don't have to come out to everyone in your life. In fact, being
selective is often a necessary part of the process. You must carefully
consider whom you're going to tell: immediate or extended family
members, children, ex-partners or ex-spouses, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, employers, co-workers, employees, landlords, your lawyer,
your doctors-think about all the people you have contact with who
observe you in your relationship or with whom your relationship naturally comes up in conversation.

Make a preliminary list and sort everyone on it into categories.
First up: who needs to know? This might be your children's teachers and
school administrators so that co-parents have permission to pick them
up from school; or your lawyer, who is drafting your wills. Next, whom
do you want to tell? Think about friends, family, and co-workers.
Finally, whom do you not want to tell? Perhaps you're happy to keep it
from the town gossip, some neighbors, or even the house sitter. Its
really up to you whom you decide to share this part of your life with.

Our coming-out process has been very deliberate. We have tried
to present our `trilationship' [a triad of three men] in a time and
space that allows people to ask questions, express concerns, and
be heard. It has proven to be time-consuming. -Turner

Turner's point is well taken: be prepared to dedicate a lot of time and
energy to the people you come out to. Consider how you'd like to
come out to a particular person. Depending on the relationship, a faceto-face sit-down may be the most appropriate. You want to approach
the person with love, respect, and honesty; if you go into the talk feeling defensive or quick to respond to criticism, it will likely become
confrontational. Be calm, speak your mind, then listen.

Many people choose to write a letter and follow it up in person.
If you have a lot to say and aren't sure you will remember it all, writing a letter can help you say everything you intend to say, be as
detailed as you like, and get all your points across. A letter allows the
recipient to react in whatever way they want, take the time to digest
the information, and come to terms with it before any discussion.

Whatever format you choose for making this announcement,
keep in mind why you're coming out to this particular person. You
might say, "I respect you and value your presence in my life. Our relationship is important enough to me that I want to be honest and share
this significant part of my life with you. I am the same person you have
known all along. This relationship choice may not be your cup of tea,
but it works for me, and I'm happy I hope you will respect my choice
to live this way"

As part of your coming out, you must be clear about who else
knows and whether discretion may be called for. If the person you
come out to has questions, take the time to answer them as thoroughly
as you can. Offer him a list of books, articles, or websites so he can
better understand your open relationship. (See the Resource Guide for
some suggestions.) Emphasize that you are available to help her
process the information in whatever way she needs.

Positive coming-out experiences can be supportive, validating,
and truly inspirational to people. When it goes well, there is cause for
thanks and celebration. But you should be prepared for the possibility
that coming out will be a negative experience. Several people discussed
coming out to parents who are liberal, only to find that there was a
double standard at work. For example, Meredith enjoys having political and intellectual conversations with her parents, and when she
brought up the idea of plural marriage, her mother said, "As long as
they're consenting adults, that's fine." But when she told them she was
actually living in a triad, her parents changed their tune:

[My mother] and my father didn't react very well. They told me,
"The relationship is going to fall apart. You're doing a disservice
to both young men. You're hurting them no matter what they say.
The way you show you're committed is to be monogamous. You're
hurting us, you're hurting them, you're gonna hurt yourself. The
situation is gonna blow up."

Whom Are You Out To?

Here's a look at the people interviewees have come out to about
their relationship style:

69% All friends

22% Selected friends

2% A few friends only

40% All family

27% Selected family

27% All co-workers

19% Selected co-workers

21 % All friends, all family, and all co-workers

This kind of reaction, from parents who may be fine with open
relationships in theory-for other people-but not for their children,
is common. Remember that parents have certain expectations, wishes,
and fantasies about who their children will grow up to be, and when
you revise-or in their eyes, shatter-their expectations, it can be
very difficult for even the most accepting parents. Aiden, who lives in
a triad with two women in Phoenix, says, "[My parents] kind of
accept this is who I am now. They raised me to be very accepting of
other people and open-minded, so I have occasionally joked to my
mom, when she's in a joking mood, `You made me the way I am'...
You know how people's parents are okay when someone else's kid is
gay, but they get upset when is their kid? That's how my parents were
about the poly thing." If your parents are truly open-minded and
committed to your happiness, they will likely come around with time
and patience.

Coming out can be met with a barrage of harsh words, judgment, and criticism. Some people don't understand what open relationships are, and they may revert to common myths and misconceptions, like, "So you're a swinger? Is it like a big orgy at your house
all the time?" You can respond to comments such as these with openness and clarification. Other people won't accept a relationship style
that challenges their own or what they believe to be an acceptable
model; their arguments against you may invoke religious or moral
beliefs. If anyone judges you in this way, it's important to emphasize
the consent and ethical nature of your relationship; stress that your
chosen structure may not work for that person, but it works for you
and your partners.

Other critics may lash out at you because of their own ambivalence
or dissatisfaction with monogamy; they unconsciously envy what you're
doing and wish they could do it too, but instead of saying so, they criticize you. It is nearly impossible to argue with people who are not in
touch with their unacknowledged fears, desires, and motives. You may
simply have to accept the unfavorable opinion that certain people
express about your choice.

With some family members, no matter what you do, your coming
out may not go as you'd like it to. Andi was a virgin when she married
her husband, and she later came out as bisexual and polyamorous: "My
siblings were all pretty cool with it, like, `It's not really for me, but if you're
happy...' My parents were very hurt by it. Like crying, depressed...
[They are] Catholic, religious... I think they really worried about us and
probably feared for our relationship. I think that they were disappointed
in a way, and hurt."

Lena, 54, a legal secretary who lives in the Washington, DC, area,
grew up in East Tennessee, where she was raised as a Southern Baptist.
When she discovered polyamory and her bisexuality, she was thrilled
to have found a new way of life that really worked for her. She was so
happy about it she wanted to share it with her sister:

[My sister had] gone back to the Baptist Church and got heavily
involved in religion in a way that was much more Holy Roller
than it ever was when we were growing up. So I came out to her
and her response was "[My husband] and I are devastated by this.
We think this is totally wrong. You shouldn't be doing this. I'm not
going to tell you that you can't, but we can't talk to you about it.
We don't want to hear about it, we don't want to know."... That
was very hurtful, very hard, because she's my only sister. I'm still
in touch with my family and we still get together at holidays, but
I feel that I have to leave this huge part of my life behind when
I visit them. I can't be me.

Although her mother was accepting, Lena learned a difficult
lesson from her experience with her sister. She decided not to tell other
family members whom she believed were less open and more bigoted
than her sister.

Be prepared for questions, concerns, and criticism from the people you
come out to. It's a good idea to arm yourself with responses before the
discussion takes place. Remember, no matter how outlandish or offensive their reaction, stay calm, don't become defensive, and offer a
well-reasoned response. Below are some potential concerns and suggested responses. (You may want to review Chapter 2, Myths about
Open Relationships, as well.)

Being nonmonogamous is not what God intended.

A poly Methodist minister had this to say: "I believe God created me
who I am, with the needs that I have. And when I don't act out all of
who I am, then I'm not only dishonoring myself, I'm dishonoring God.
So for me, to be in a poly relationship that actually builds my faith and
helps me be a better faith person and be a better minister is really
answering who God is asking me to be."

I worry you're putting yourself in danger of STDs since you have so
many sex partners.

My partners and I have been tested for everything, and we get tested
regularly In addition, I am very careful and always practice safer sex
with partners I am not fluid-bonded with.

People who can't be monogamous have issues: you need therapy.

Everyone has issues concerning relationships; this is not about me not
settling down with one person. Simply because I have made a different
choice from yours doesn't mean I am screwed up.

You just haven't found the right person. When you do, you'll be monogamous.

I have found the right person! In fact, I've found three! Together they
bring so much joy to my life.

Is this because your last marriage/relationship failed?

My last relationship taught me a lot about what I want and what makes
me truly happy. I realized that I cannot expect one person to fulfill all
my needs. I prefer to have multiple partners, since each relationship is
unique and enriches the others.

This is going to destroy your relationship with your spouse/primary
partner.

We communicate openly and honestly about our nonmonogamy. My
other relationships enhance my primary relationship and take the pressure
off it to be everything to me.

Some people object to your relationship style not for any specific reason
but simply because, for them, its wrong. Remember that people often
criticize you when a decision you make doesn't reflect their values, or
when it calls into question how they live their lives. Some people disapprove, some may feel threatened, and others might be envious (and unaware of it). Do not let anyone make you feel guilty. Remind them
that these are your choices.

When someone else outs you, you lose control of a significant step in
your coming-out process-deciding whether and when to tell someone. But you can take charge of the situation. If someone outs you to
a friend, family member, or co-worker, take the reins and address it
immediately, even though the moment may not be ideal. Rather than
focus on why you haven't come out already, direct your attention to
giving the person clear information. Perhaps he has heard gossip or
innuendo; set the record straight with as much detail as you feel comfortable sharing. If you discover you've been outed, seek support from
friends, family, or a therapist who already knows about your relationship style. You may feel hurt, betrayed, or angry, but don't bring those
emotions into your coming-out discussion. Remember, you have no
reason to feel shame or guilt about your choices. Being pushed out is
not fun, but once you're out, take a deep breath, hold your head high,
and be ready to process the news with your loved ones.

During the coming-out process, obtaining support from people like
yourself can be invaluable. They can answer questions, give you advice,
and share their own experiences. Connecting with other people in
open relationships is important not only when you're thinking about
coming out. Finding like-minded people can help you feel less alienated and isolated, period. You can share your hopes and frustrations,
and give and receive support, understanding, and validation. You can
get help in figuring out what you want, negotiating agreements, and
resolving relationship conflicts. When you find community, you also
find friends and potential partners.

I was amazed to read how Joan and Larry Constantine found
people to interview for their book Group Marriage in the early 70s.
They began with members of an ad hoc, unnamed organization that
hosted meetings in New England and published a newsletter titled The
Harrad Letter. From there they followed vague leads and rumors as
well as letters they received; they literally drove all over the country to
find people living in multilateral marriages-many of whom were not
open about their lifestyle and naturally suspicious of people who
wanted to meet them.

Today, it's a lot easier to find people who are in nonmonogamous,
swinger, polyamorous, polyfidelitous, mixed orientation, BDSM, and
open relationships. The Internet has changed the way people locate
information and each other, and there are plenty of websites, blogs,
online forums and communities, and email Listservs that provide
resources and support. While online support can be useful, its also
important to meet real people who are practicing nonmonogamy
I encourage you to do some research into local support groups, workshops, events, and conferences in your area. (Refer to the Resource
Guide at the end of the book to get started.)