Oracle Seeing (The Phoenix Files Book 2) (42 page)

My second biggest mistake was letting you think I never saw you. Ten years ago, I did see you in that courthouse more times than you’ll ever even know. Each one is a memory I cherish and hold dear to my heart. The first time I ever saw you, you were leaning against a wall, a cup of coffee in your hand, and you were playing with the end of your ponytail. I watched you twirl it, wondering what it would feel like with your fingers touching me. I wanted to walk over to you, but I didn’t think it would be welcomed. I heard you that same day, when you told that other deputy that you thought I was full of myself, arrogant, cocky, and would have one hell of an ego. You were right. I was. But even so, I was afraid even then to approach you. I should have. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I made a different choice. Not a single second happens, when I don’t wonder what my life would be like had I been brave. We’ve lost ten years because of my insecurities and ego, and for that, I’m sorry. I always wonder about what would have been.

Would we be married?

Would we have children?

Would I not be this monster, deformed by my own choices in life?

I was wrong more than I was right.

I see that now.

I also saw you that one day when you were at the courthouse visiting Silas. You were wearing a dress. It was the color of the sky, and it made your hair so very red. You had these soft curls that beckoned to be touched.

God!

I wanted to touch you so badly, that my hands actually hurt. You walked past my office, and I followed you like some love struck puppy, dying just to see a glimpse of you. What I didn’t know then was I was in love. I needed those moments to get through the long days of pain.

You were my escape.

You were my solace.

I watched as you grabbed a soda from the vending machine, kicking it in the right spot. I wanted to laugh, to hug you, to tell you to be mine, but you weren’t within my reach. I know now that even then, I was too broken to try.

I wasted another chance, and that’s on me too.

I obsessed about you, thinking about the woman with the red hair.

That day affected me on such a level, that I’m still reeling from it. I even remember that it was cherry soda. I can still see how you drank it right there. The whole time, I watched in awe at how beautiful you looked, wondering if your lips would taste as sweet. I fell in love in that minute, but I wasn’t able to be who I am today. I was on a path to destruction, and even then, I couldn’t do that to you.

In my own way, I was protecting you.

You won’t see it that way, but it’s true. I swear it’s the truth. I feared what I was becoming, the woman I’d tied myself to, and the way it was sucking my soul from me. I would have given it all up had you smiled at me. I would have crawled then, and I’d still crawl now.

The day I nearly died, I wasn’t in a rush to get to a meeting. You were at the courthouse the previous day, and while we were on break, I heard you tell one of the deputies that you were taking the next day off. You were going to catch a movie alone.

I couldn’t let that happen.

I wanted to be with you, sharing popcorn, your warmth, and what you offered me from afar. Certainly, it would be even more amazing at your side.

So, I hatched this master plan to find you. I wasn’t rushing off to talk to the media. I was rushing off to run into you. I’d finally gotten the nerve up to make a move. I wanted to do it away from the place we worked, in case you laughed at me. Even then, I was too worried about my ego. I’d realized that Wendy never had my heart. She was nothing compared to the gorgeous redhead who stole a soda and my heart in one shot.

I raced out, past everyone, and to my new life. It was finally within my reach.

Well, that changed. I was thinking about you as I hit that button, Bishop. I was picturing us on a date, you holding my hand, and that blue dress that had become my obsession.

Then I nearly died.

See, Wendy and I were done. What you also didn’t know was that I’d asked her to marry me to move up the ladder, and it was never out of love. I was taking a play out of my own father’s book—like he’d done with Starla. Wendy didn’t have my heart. She was a way to achieve what everyone expected of me.

Success.

I’ve never loved a woman before, but the day I saw you, I felt something. It began growing in me, battling back the cold. Bishop, she had nothing on you. She was part of the reason I was losing my soul. I knew I had to stop it. I was going to track you down. I was ready. When I didn’t ask you about her for those two day, it was because I woke up to you. I couldn’t believe you were holding my hand. I pushed you away then because I was scared about what I looked like. You didn’t deserve a monster. Reality set in. I couldn’t bear your pity. You didn’t upset me. I upset me. What could I give you now? I had nothing of value left. I was hideous, damaged, and a beast. What made me think I deserved someone like you?

I lied and said you hurt me. It wasn’t true. I hurt me. That day, I damaged us both.

Before, I had prestige, my career.

After, I was nothing.

God, Bishop! You deserve the sun, moon, and stars. Then I couldn’t give them to you. Then I wanted to make you proud, and that man was stripped away.

I’m not proud of what I did.

I’m the world’s biggest asshole. What kind of man hurts a woman the way I’ve hurt you? I know I don’t deserve to be near you. You were right, Bishop, but it was in the reverse. It was I who didn’t deserve you.

You deserve more than I can ever even hope to give you. I know I’ll never live up to what should be yours in life. You’re loyal, kind, and the most beautiful human being inside and out.

I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m tired of being that man, and I really hope that when you read this one day, if you even bother, you’ll forgive me. I promised myself that I’d tell you, even if it humiliated me, broke me, or made me nothing to you. You deserved to know.

A part of me also prays that you won’t give up on me. One of us has to be the strong one, and we both know who that is.

It’s always been you, Bish.

It’s always been you.

I’ll wait for you forever. It’s the least I can do to prove that you’re the only woman I ever wanted. Here’s my vow. I’ll die alone. I’ll never touch another woman after you. In my heart, you were always meant to be mine. So, I’ll pretend you are until God, or the devil, has mercy on my soul.

I love you.

Lucian.’

When she finished, she was crying. She’d remembered those days. She’d remembered every single one of those moments. He did see her.

Even when she thought he was out of her reach, out of her league, he wasn’t.

“You’re not buying that, are you?” Roxy asked. “You can’t possibly trust a single thing that comes out of his mouth.”

She looked up. “Yes, I am, and I do trust him.”

She struggled to get out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked. “You’ve got a concussion and look like shit.”

There was only one place she could go.

Home.

To her fiancé
.

Chapter Nineteen

Saturday Morning

Life was hell without her.

He saw that now.

When he’d gotten back to Graymoor, he wanted to burn it to the ground. The place seemed cold, empty, and the prison he believed it to be. He started drinking hard. He’d began numbing his pain, and for good reason.

There was no way he could stay there.

Yet, he couldn’t go.

He had to hope she’d forgive him one day, and he’d promised to fight for her. So…he wouldn’t run—even if the loneliness swallowed him whole.

He was going to keep his word to the woman he loved.

In the darkness of the room, he sat in a wingback chair, whiskey in one hand, the anger festering in his gut.

He’d made horrible choices and hurting Bishop had been the worst.

He wanted to weep.

He wanted to rage.

He wanted to die.

A part of him already had. He could tell the media they were getting married all he wanted, but it wouldn’t make it true. It wouldn’t save his heart.

Or hers.

Shit!

He’d screwed this up. This was why beasts should be kept away from anyone but themselves. Innocent people got hurt when they went off the rails.

His head ached from the visions, but he’d fought them off. They were trying to pull him under, but he battled against them, drinking his way through half of the bottle of whisky.

He focused on Bishop.

The entire time he kept drinking, knowing Avalon had been right.

Booze wasn’t good for anyone with a gift. It numbed him. He couldn’t feel anything but his hate. His visions got weak, they faded, and he had silence.

A part of him wondered how long suicide by bottle would take, and if Bishop would come to his funeral.

It would be small.

In fact, it would be non-existent.

He was alone.

God
.

He was going to die alone.

Here was his fate. Lucian Monroe was going to die a lonely, broken man.

The entire way there, Roxy tried to talk her out of it. Only Bishop wouldn’t hear it. She had managed to sneak out the back of her brownstone, down the alley, and to wait for Roxy to pick her up. The media was still camped outside her house, and they didn’t expect a single thing.

She didn’t want him to know she was coming. Bishop wanted to catch him off guard, like he’d done. It would make him be honest. He wouldn’t have time to think.

“You should think this through. He’s only a man. They aren’t worth it.”

Bishop knew why Roxy used men like tissues, blowing them and moving on. Bishop hated that the woman didn’t get it. She loathed that Roxy was missing out on so much. Yes, love hurt, but it was one hell of a ride.

She saw that now.

“They aren’t all bad, Roxy. He’s a good man.”

She laughed. “Bish, I love you. You’re like a sister, but he has you so tied up.”

“I see it the other way. I have him tied up.”

Roxy shook her head. “You’re nuts.”

“What are you doing with the Marine?” she asked. “You’ve been screwing with him, haven’t you?”

“It’s just sex.”

Yeah, it was never just sex. She’d learned that. Lucian had learned that too. It was easy to have a one-night stand, but with each time, something was forged. Those bonds were created.

One day, Roxy would see that.

“Is it?”

She shrugged.

“You like him.”

Roxy glanced over. “Bullshit. He’s an asshole. He tossed me over his shoulder and forced me against my will.”

“He didn’t rape you, Roxy. He was trying to help Lucian reach me. If anything, that proves he’d help a friend out. He’s a good person.”

“It’s the same thing in my world. Once they boss you around, they think they can do whatever. I grew up under that oppression. I won’t spend my life with it. I choose the man. I choose the outcome, and I choose to walk away.”

Bishop knew Roxy’s father had abused her for a very long time. The wounds were deep. It was why she hated the world.

It was why she hated men.

“I think he likes you. When he’s watching you…”

“Stop. This isn’t a fairytale. You may think it is, but it’s not. You can’t fall for their shit. They hurt you, they leave, or they break you into bits beneath their fists. It’s the truth, and we both know it.”

She heard the tears and fear.

“It’s okay. Don’t get upset. I’m sorry.”

Roxy wiped at her eyes. “I hope you get your happily ever after, Bish. I really do. That’s just not out there for me. We can’t all be the princess in the ivory tower. No one will save me.”

She was right. Sometimes, you had to do the saving—like now with Lucian.

She held her hand. “I love you, Roxy. I love you to the moon and back, and I’m sorry.”

Yeah, so was she.

“We’re here,” she said, pulling up to the gate.

Bishop gave her the code. “Drop me off. I’ll see you at the morgue.”

“You’re not working.”

“Yeah, I am.”

Roxy pointed at her. “I’ll call Silas.”

“And I’ll tell him off for making a mess. I promise that if I can’t do it, I won’t. Maybe I’ll hang at my office and let the Feds do the heavy lifting.”

“That’s my girl.”

She stopped the car. “If you need me, Bish, you call. I’ll always come running.”

She knew Roxy would.

“Same here, chickadee. I got your back, bitch.”

She hugged her. “I love you, Bish. Good luck.”

She watched her friend get out and cross the parking area. Roxy really hoped she knew what the hell she was doing.

If not, she was going to regret it.

Like Roxy always did.

Inside, she heard them talking. Heading toward the sounds of their voices, she peeked her head inside.

Avalon
‘saw’
her first.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“I have a headache, I swallowed way too much toxic water, and I want to kick the hell out of a stubborn man, but I’ll be okay.”

“We’re glad, Sheriff, that you’re in one piece.”

She crossed to Jagger, who was lounging on the couch chewing gum.

“You’re insane to jump into that water. Someone should give you a psych evaluation, and then have you committed.”

He laughed. “Oddly, that’s not the first time I’ve heard that, Sheriff. Maura says it just about every other week.”

She kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you.”

“I’d jump in again.”

“I mean about what you did with Roxy.”

He shrugged. “Yeah, well, you’re the hero one minute, and the villain the next. You get used to it.”

She patted his cheek.

“You’re not planning on working, are you?” Maura asked. The woman looked like hell.

“Actually, I have some personal shit to handle. Tomorrow, I think I’ll stay at my office, letting you guys do your thing. My brain has been scrambled plenty today.”

Nate was glad.

“Your warrant came in a few minutes ago. We’re going to serve it in the morning. How about we handle that, and then we’ll see if we can find Haas Newman?”

“Still nothing?”

“Nope. He’s not around. It’s like he’s hiding from the world.”

She was going to trust them.

Bishop needed some down time.

“Where is he?”

Avalon focused on her. “He’s halfway through a bottle of Jack in his room. You have to do something. He’s trying to punish himself, and it’s going to work.”

“Yeah, I will. I’m going to marry that bastard and really make his life a living hell.”

She grinned. “Good for you, Bishop.”

She headed out the door, glad to be back at Graymoor. When she was there, the place reminded her of him. It was all that old wood, darkness, and intensity.

She belonged there.

She could feel it to her bones.

At his door, she knocked.

“Go away!”

She kept knocking.

“I said, go the fuck away!”

Bishop wiggled the knob. It was locked. So, she did the only logical thing she could do when dealing with a drunken man in a stupor.

She tried to kick the damn door in.

And it hurt like a bitch.

Oh, and it didn’t open—so much for her grand entrance.

She heard his angry footsteps as he headed toward the door. When he flung it open, he looked angry.

Then… he looked shocked.

Finally, scared.

“Bishop,” he whispered.

There were a few ways she could handle this. They could fight, they could argue, or she could forgive him.

She didn’t give him a chance. Instead, she jumped him. Lucian caught her in his arms and stumbled backward into the room.

They hit the floor.

Her mouth found his.

She kissed him through the storm, reveling in the way he held her in his arms.

“Oh God! Please don’t be a dream. Please tell me you’re real,” he whispered, as she tried to kiss him.

When he continued to talk, Bishop bit him on the earlobe.

He moaned, running his hands down her body. “Bishop, baby, you came back.”

She stared into his eye. “Lucian, I’ll always come back.”

She was a mess.

Battered.

Beat.

Bruised.

Yet, he’d never seen a more lovely woman in his life.

“Baby,” he whispered.

“When’s the wedding?”

That caught him off guard.

“Um.”

“Well? I need to get a dress.”

“Wait. What?”

She started laughing. “You told the entire world we were getting married. If you think, for a single second, I’m letting you back out of this, then you’re out of your mind.”

He sat up, holding her in his lap.

“You’re going to marry me?”

“Are you asking me?”

He paused.

“Yes and no.”

She stared at him, looking surprised. Okay, that wasn’t the answer she’d expected.

“Let me explain. I’m not doing it like this.”

“What do you mean, Lucian?”

“I’m going to ask, but I’m doing it right. I’m going to take you out, make it count, and give you what you deserve. I want to have a romantic night with you, show you that you’re the most valuable person in the world to me, and then give you the most beautiful ring you deserve.”

Her heart skipped.

“So you do really want to marry me?”

“Oh, God…I want you in my life more than anything, Bishop. I absolutely want to marry you.”

“I hope you don’t change your mind.”

He heard the hurt. She expected him to flip the script at some point, taking it back.

Lucian had to stop it.

“Come with me.”

He helped her off his lap, and then walked with her hand in hand to the giant ornate dresser in his room. On it sat a box.

“I meant what I said about an evening of romance, but until that moment, I want to give you this one.”

She didn’t know what he was doing.

When he opened a jewelry box, there sat a simple gold band. It had carving in it, but it was very nondescript.

“What is it?” she asked.

“It belongs to Graymoor. Everyone who’s had
‘the gift’
had the ring. I don’t have an engagement ring for you right now, but I want you to have this as a promise. As soon as I can figure out how to ask you, I’m going to do it.”

She touched his cheek. He was making this far more complicated than it had to be.

“Just ask me. That’s all I want.”

He studied her face to see if this was really what she wanted from him.

Was it that simple?

Then he realized it was.

His Bishop was beautiful inside and out. One of the reasons he was drawn to her was because she didn’t make him jump through hoops.

She said what she meant.

She meant what she said.

He dropped to his knees—not one, but two. Gently, he left kisses across her battered knuckles.

“Marry me, Bishop. I can’t live without you. Be my wife even when I know I don’t deserve your love.”