Orchards (14 page)

but on the way home

Uncle remembers he forgot

the cucumbers

I have only eggplants and peppers

and he insists we both

return to the gas station

and I’m thinking

this is different

Uncle never wastes an afternoon

and never visits during work hours

and normally doesn’t care

about cucumbers or if he did

would go back himself

and send me ahead

to help Baachan

or Aunt

with a chore

even after

we get the cucumbers

he remembers

suddenly

sheepishly

we need to see another cousin

by the bridge

but by then I’m thinking

this is way too

different

and I start to run

through the east side

of the village

over the bridge

to the west side

down the lane

up the driveway

through the house

past Baachan and Aunt

in the kitchen

up to Yurie’s room

where I let the

eggplants and peppers

drop

Uncle

not far behind me

is hollering through the house

as I’m kneeling before the computer

cursing it to boot up

          fast

                 faster

                        damn it!

Baachan flies into the room

tries to pull me away

Uncle behind her

Aunt, too

but Uncle pulls Baachan off me

and I look at Baachan

see her eyes fill and

I know

something

happened

please

I say

B
aachan kneels beside me then

before the low table with the computer

that she doesn’t know how to use

as I open the browser

and pull up my email

and chat

and see all the

messages

and the name

again

and again

Lisa

Baachan holds me

as I check each message

first from Lisa to us all

last night, Japan night

her morning

just an hour after I

logged off

thanks everyone

you’ve been great but it’s

time to go

gotta make myself

better

only way

I know how

luv you

Lisa

then message after message

copied to every electron

in the atom

and beyond

as they logged on

then phoned

and emailed

anyone

everyone

desperate

to get someone

at the summer school

to find her

stop her

save her

and messages

hours later

after they got the news

from their mothers

who’d heard from Abby’s mother

who’d heard direct

from Lisa’s godmother

that she’d been found

in her dorm room

hanging

from her bathrobe sash

Baachan says

that a phone call before breakfast

was my mother with the news

and that my mother

wanted me to hear the news from her

not a computer

but that she had to comfort Emi

take Emi to meet with counselors

that Gina’s father had assembled

at the community center

for girls, siblings, friends, parents

anyone in town

who needed help …

so could they stall?

my mother had thought

they’d be home to call

during our lunch break

but they were delayed

as more and more girls, boys

parents and neighbors arrived

so my mother had called my father

who’d called here

during
shogi
and told Baachan

stall more!

now Aunt brings the phone upstairs

and they dial my home

in New York

I hear my mother’s words

I hear her voice

and my dad comes on

and I hear his words

hear his voice

all soft

and Emi comes on

and I hear her words

and I hear her voice

but I have none

and Aunt takes the phone

then gives it to Uncle

who leaves the room

I start to shiver

my whole body

and Aunt sets out the futon

and Baachan lays me down

and Aunt covers me

and Yurie comes home from work early

and stays beside me

lies beside me

holds me

at night I wake

in the dark

and turn

and Baachan

on a futon beside mine

turns toward me

pats my back

and Yurie on her futon

beside mine

turns toward me

takes my hand

somehow I sleep

between them

all night

I
lie there

a doctor comes

I take a pill

and sleep

wake

sleep

soups are brought

I sip

sleep

when I wake

someone is always there

someone always takes my hand

strokes my head

I don’t eat till late

the next day

almost dark

again

when Baachan

brings me a plate

of pancakes

covered with canned slices of
mikan

and sweet whipped cream

which she spears mouthfuls of

on a fork

and feeds me

as I tremble

and stop

to cry

when I can finally speak

to my mother

by phone

I learn that

as it turns out

in Lisa’s pocket

was a printout

of an email

from Jake

who wrote

we can’t hate ourselves

just find a way to make this

turn you into someone

better than you were

that’s what we all have to do

that’s all we can do

I translate this to Baachan

who squeezes her eyes shut

shakes her head

mournful, slow

and uses that handkerchief

that’s always tucked and ready

in her front

apron pocket

Newton’s third law

of reciprocal action

says

for every action there is an equal

and opposite

reaction

that all forces are interactions

all forces come in pairs

Physics and You

spells it out

says

if body A exerts a force

on body B

then body B will exert a force

of the same magnitude

on body A

push and pull

I think

maybe this

is what happened

with Lisa

and you, Ruth—

body A

and body B

A
fter two and a half days

Baachan tells me to get up

and shower

and then come help

in the kitchen

start your body moving
she says

your mind will follow

Yurie has left for work

Aunt, Uncle and Koichi are in the groves

they’ve all eaten

Baachan’s washing up

I sit at the table alone

I eat rice, miso soup

then Baachan and I

go for a walk

up to the temple

before the heat starts

before the cicadas

are deafening

when there is still

coolness to be found

in shade

we trudge uphill

Baachan pausing often

to wipe her brow and neck

with her handkerchief

as we climb higher

beyond the temple

up terraces

of stone monuments

we bow before the Mano grave

Baachan standing in prayer

long after I have opened my eyes

to stare at family names

at the temple

closed and quiet

we ascend stone steps

and sit down

on the weathered boards

of the veranda

under the deep eave

facing the bay

and faint gray hint

of Mount Fuji

suicide can spread

Baachan finally says

utsuru
she adds

like a virus

you have to stop it

put up barriers

I rock back and forth

exhale

ask

do you think it was a mistake—

the letter to Jake

the email from Jake

to Lisa?

a hot wind gusts

behind us

from the south

curling over the mountaintop

brushing tree canopies

and rolling down the slopes

to breathe on us like dragon fire

there

on the veranda

no
she says

what I think was a mistake

was sending a girl

of fourteen away

to a different state

to live in a dormitory

by herself

during a summer like this