Otis (9 page)

SAM

I pulled into the parking lot of the bar and parked the car. The bar’s lot, as I had suspected, was all but empty. Having passed by it for more than a week in my evening drives back to the hotel, it seemed to
always
be empty during the weekdays. There were times when I
wanted
a drink, and times when I felt I
needed
them, and tonight was a
need
night. Having made contact with the disease ridden feline no less than a dozen times throughout the course of the day- combined with my walk down memory lane - left liquid sedation as my only hope for a good night’s sleep.  

My stroll to the door produced four motorcycles parked along the sidewalk leading to the entrance. Carefully parked in a perfect line side by side, they reminded me of Steve and his friends, and how they used to make sure their motorcycles were always parked neatly and in an almost picturesque manner.

Great, another reminder of him.

Frustrated and suffering from more than a decade of sexual deprivation, I considered kicking the first motorcycle in the line and causing them to spill over like dominoes. After a moment’s worth of hesitation, I admired the motorcycles, turned to the door, pushed it open.

As I stepped through the door,
Lenny Kravitz’ Can’t Get You Off My Mind
played. A great choice of music, and one of my all-time favorite songs, but it was about as ironic of a song as anyone could have chosen. After rolling my eyes and shaking my head lightly, I stepped into the empty bar.

A muscular tattooed biker in a ribbed tank top and another seated beside him with olive colored skin and a gorgeous smile sat in a booth facing me. Two other bikers outfitted with their motorcycle gang attire had their backs facing me. As I turned to the bar, the muscular one in the tank top craned his neck to catch another glimpse.

Stare all you want, gym rat, I’m not available.

Memories of Steve again began to float around in my head as I walked toward the empty bar. I glanced along the barstools, grateful the bar was empty. I should be able to toss down a quick triple vodka before any of the bikers developed enough courage to approach me and escape without incident.

“Sam,” a voice from behind me hollered.

My muscles tensed as I stopped right where I was standing. Half scared to turn around, I stood, petrified of encountering an old friend from the past who would assuredly provide me with stories of how my high school sweetheart Steve had eventually married and now lived happily with his wife, children, and two pet cats. The endless silence that followed filled me with hope that whoever had shouted was talking to someone other than me.

“Sam!” the voice bellowed in more of a commanding tone. 

It seemed…

I slowly turned around.

Oh dear God.

Every emotion imaginable filled me at once. I raised my shaking hands to my face and pressed them against my cheeks, attempting to hide the tears that were sure to come next.

He was gorgeous. Much bigger and in what appeared to be the best physical condition I’d ever seen him in, he stood and stared. It had been fourteen years since I’d seen him, but he hadn’t aged one bit. It seemed he had simply been transformed from a boy into the man who stood before me. As I stood still and fought back tears, he slowly approached me with his arms outstretched.

I wanted to turn and run away.

I glanced at the palms of his hands as he excitedly made his way to where I stood. Before I could see if he was wearing a ring, he had me wrapped up in his muscular arms.

I can’t do this.

As he released me, I couldn’t help but admire him as I fumbled for a way to explain my desire to leave. I considered pulling my phone from my purse and claim to have received a text message emergency. To have him even begin to explain of his wife, children and what the past fourteen years had graced him with would crush me.

He crossed his arms in front of his chest as he seemed to study me, and as he did, the fingers of his left hand rested on the outer portion of his right bicep.

No ring.

Not one hundred percent certain if my eyes were seeing what was truly in front of me, or what they
desired
to see, I blinked my eyes and gazed at his hand.

No ring.

I blinked again.

Oh fuck it, I’ve never been known being subtle.

“So, are you divorced?” I shrugged as I nodded my head toward his hand.

He uncrossed his arms and glanced down at his left hand as his mouth formed into a grin.

“Never married,” he said as he shook his head from side-to-side.

Oh dear God.

Please make him single, available, and interested.

I stood like a loon, exchanging glances between the muscles in his arms and his gorgeous face. He appeared to have gotten a dozen or more tattoos since the last time I had seen him, which did nothing more but add to his already striking outward appearance. I found a man with tattoos to be far more attractive than a man without, and his recent additions weren’t helping the situation. Struggling to devise a way to save myself from seeming over eager or desperate, I stood with my mouth agape as he began to speak.

“You look great, Sam,” he said as he folded his arms in front of his chest again.

I blinked my eyes.

“Where’s your husband?” he asked as he tossed his head playfully toward the door.

I widened my eyes and shrugged my shoulders.

Jesus, Samantha, speak.

He raised his hands to his head and rubbed his temples. It was something he had done since he was a kid when either confused or angry. Now quite certain my silent shrug regarding my husband caught him by surprise, I swallowed heavily and searched my mind for the right words.

“Dead,” I blurted before I had a chance to filter my thoughts.

“Sorry to hear that. And I’m sorry about your mother, Sam. I really am,” he said as he reached for my arm.

Thoughts of a life with Steve in it began to fill my head. No longer was I concerned with my mother’s house, inventorying the boxes of trinkets, or keeping the cat alive. Riding on the back of Steve’s motorcycle, having him fuck me breathless in the back yard, and feeling his magical hands against my skin became the only thoughts available within the confines of my biased mind.

“Join me for a drink?” I somehow muttered.

“Sure. Let me introduce you to the fellas first,” he grinned as his hand lightly gripped my upper arm.

I allowed him to guide me to his side. His arm wrapped around me as soon as he turned toward the booth where the other men were seated, and in a few short steps, he was introducing me to his biker brethren.

“Fellas, this is Sam. Sam, this is Toad, Biscuit, and Big Jack,” he said as we approached the table, pointing to each man as he said their name.

Immediately, the three men stood. As soon as the man he pointed out as Big Jack stepped from the booth, the one he identified as Toad slid from between the table and bench and stood in front of us.

As he extended his arm to shake my hand, he widened his eyes and tilted his head to the side, motioning toward me. As I shook his hand, I glanced at Steve, who nodded his head and grinned in return.

“Pleasure to finally meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you, Sam,” Toad said as he shook my hand.

I grinned and nodded my head, not quite knowing what to say. As the bigger barrel-chested man stepped in front of us, he reached up and ran his hand through his thick brown hair, as if attempting to make himself more presentable. His full beard and sheer size made him rather intimidating, but as he spoke, he seemed to have a very calm and pleasant demeanor.

“Sorry about your mother, Sam. Name’s Biscuit. Nice to finally put a face with the name,” he said as he reached for my hand.

I glanced at Steve.

You told them about me?

And about my mother?

I swallowed a lump of sentiment which began to rise in my throat. The thought of him telling his friends about me caused me to once again become the emotional little girl I’d spent almost fifteen years trying to abandon. As I gazed at the profile of his face, hoping for him to say
something
, the man in the ribbed tank cleared his throat.

“Pleasure to meet you, ma’am. Otis is a damned fine man,” he nodded as he reached for my hand.

I turned toward Steve as I shook the man’s hand, “Otis? You’re going by Otis? The name your grandfather gave you?”

He shrugged his shoulders and grinned as he pointed to an embroidered patch on his leather vest.

Otis.

Steve’s grandfather called him Otis since he was a small child. Although his parents never really adopted the practice, I never heard his grandfather call him anything other than Otis. The thought of Steve using it as his biker name filled me with warmth.

“How’s he doing?” I asked.

“He passed about ten years ago,” he sighed.

“I’m sorry,” I said under my breath.

“Nice to meet all of you guys,” I grinned somewhat nervously.

“We’re going to go have a drink at the bar, fellas,” Steve said as he motioned to toward the bar.

“Let’s sit here,” I said as I pointed toward the oversized booth where they were seated, “Unless this is private?”

“Nothin’ private about this little meetin’. Hell, sit down,” Biscuit grumbled as he found his seat.

“Want to sit here?” Steve shrugged.

I glanced toward Steve and grinned, “I’d love to.”

And, to be brutally honest, I didn’t want to sit in the booth with his friends. I didn’t want to be
anywhere
with his friends. I longed to be alone with Steve, catching up on lost time. If it were up to me, he’d follow me back to my mother’s house.

And bend me over the bench.

OTIS

Being in Sam’s presence caused me to realize not only how much I had missed seeing her, but just how easy it was for the right person - the person we reserve our
true
love for - to completely right everything that may be wrong in our life by simply gracing us with their existence.

I knew if I allowed her to escape my grasp again, my life would return right back to where I had been living prior to her return. Sitting in her hotel room talking made it immediately apparent that where I
had
been living my life was miles away from where I
should have
been living it. As she sat across the couch from me and playfully brushed her hair from her face, it became more difficult to accept her inevitable departure.

“So, you’re going back to St. Louis?” I said as I stood.

She stood from the couch, scrunched her nose slightly, and narrowed her eyes as she turned to face me.

“Well, yeah. I mean, eventually I’ll have to. I live there,” she muttered.

I shook my head as I studied her. Although I was grateful to have seen her, I was frustrated that in a matter of days, things would return back to the way they were. Immediately, my mind began to reel with thoughts of ways to repair what damage I had done to our fifteen year old relationship.

“No chance of you staying? You know, making this your home again?” I shrugged.

“I didn’t say
that.
It’s just. I’d have to have a good reason. I mean, I wouldn’t choose this place over any other place. Well, maybe I’d choose it over St. Louis, but
right
now
, St. Louis is home. It’s been home for almost fifteen years,” she paused and reached for her purse.

“Gum?” she asked as she pulled a pack of gum from her purse.

I shook my head and grinned.

She stills chews gum.

“A good reason?” I shrugged.

“Uh huh,” she nodded as she tossed the pack of gum into her purse.

I glanced around the hotel suite and eventually fixed my eyes on hers. “It’s really none of my business, but did your mother own her home?”

She nodded her head, “Yes, she did.”

I raised my shoulders slightly and widened my eyes, “I’m going to guess you inherited it?”

“I did, like I said earlier. That’s what I’m doing, going through stuff now. Why are we standing?” she asked.

“I’m thinking,” I responded under my breath, “So, you’re going to tell me that you’d rather live in St. Louis, and abandon or sell the home you grew up in? There’s a lot of good memories there.”

She inhaled a shallow breath and after short a moment, exhaled and fixed her eyes on mine, “That’s the problem; the memories. It’s the reason I’m staying here. I just can’t, Steve. It’s really tough, but I just can’t stay there.”

“Why?” I shrugged, somewhat saddened by the fact she couldn’t bring herself to stay in the home we had spent so much time in together.

The thought of her getting rid of the home was almost unthinkable. We had spent the majority of our relationship in her mother’s home, and a good part of it was spent outside, fucking in the flower garden her mother had made. As a young man, the sensation of having sex in the
backyard
was almost equal to the initial excitement of having sex itself. Together, it provided a sense of enjoyment well beyond having sex in a bed. Soon, we were not only fucking in the yard, but anywhere and everywhere we could; and the more adventurous it was, the better. We soon learned we both had an inner sexual demon we needed to release, but it was her mother’s backyard that made us realize it. 

“My mind fills with too many memories when I’m there,” she responded through her teeth.

Thank God. I hope you’re thinking of me.

I turned my palms up and widened my eyes, “And that’s a bad thing?”

She glanced up and nodded her head, “Yeah. It sure is.”

Her eyes were glassy and it appeared she was on the verge of crying. Even though it had been a little more than a week, I considered the possibility of her not being quite over the loss of her mother. Sam was always a strong woman, and one thing I always admired was her ability to roll with the punches so to speak. Growing up, it seemed regardless of what life tossed at her, she was able to accept it as being, and simply move on. Her mother’s death may have been more difficult for her, and I began to feel insensitive for pushing her about the home.

She glanced upward and fixed her eyes on the ceiling. After a moment, she fixed her eyes on mine and sat down on the couch.

“Sit,” she said in a half demanding tone as she patted the cushion beside her.

I sat down, feeling selfish for acting the way I had acted. As I attempted to mentally form an apology worth offering, she began to speak.

“You know, it’s tougher than I thought. Much tougher. I was in the kitchen tonight looking out in the back yard. It’s changed a lot, but just seeing it is tough,” she sighed.

I nodded my head, “I’m sorry Sam, I imagine it is.”

I considered how I might feel if I lost my mother; and how seeing the things she loved and cherished - after she had passed away - would affect me. As she bit her lower lip and glanced around the room, I contemplated losing both my parents and how having no one might cause me to react. As my sorrow for Sam’s loss began to peak, I once again felt like a selfish idiot.

“Sam, I’m…”

She raised her hand between us to silence me as she inhaled an audible breath. I crossed my arms and leaned into the back of the couch, prepared for her ridicule.

“You know the guy I married? Michael? I really didn’t even know him. Not
really
. I met him at the gym. He was really tall, muscular, and he had a tattoo on his bicep I’m sure he must have got as a result of some stupid college bet. But he was as close as I could get. He reminded me of you, Steve. When I looked at him, I saw
you
. But when he spoke or acted, he
wasn’t
you. It wasn’t long and I realized no one could be. After a while, I realized the kids, having a family…all of that…it wasn’t important. What I wanted wasn’t a family, kids, or him for that matter, what I wanted was a sense of security in having
you
,” she threw her hands in the air as if making the determination was a huge revelation.

Okay, that wasn’t what I expected.

“When he died, I hate to say this, but it’s true. You’re the first person I’ve said anything to about this…” she paused as her voice began to fill with emotion.

“When they announced what happened, after the terrorists flew the planes into the buildings, and they were collapsing,” she hesitated and swallowed heavily.

After a moment of staring at the ceiling and attempting to steady her breathing, she continued.

“I hoped…I wanted…” she shook her head as she bit into her lower lip.

After a long silence, she stared down at the floor and continued, “When I got the word that he was dead, I was
relieved
. I know it sounds morbid and selfish or whatever, especially to everyone else who lost someone in the tragedy, but for me? I was relieved.”

In some respects, the world we live in had just shrunk into a very personal sized ball. To think she had lost someone in what I assumed to be the terrorist act of 9/11 made the terrorist act much more real. Even though, I sat and stared, shocked by the statement she had made.

“I was relieved he was gone, because it would allow me to move on and live my life with the memories of you without feeling guilty for doing so. I’ve never got over losing you, Steve, and I’m pretty damn sure I never will,” she said as she turned toward me.

What?

As somber as the mood had become, I felt there were many things I should have said in an effort to comfort her for the loss of her husband. My excitement after hearing her more recent statement made regarding never getting over losing me prevented me from saying what I should have, and caused me to say what I was actually thinking.

“You’ve never got over losing me?” I snapped back as I sat up in my seat.

She shook her head from side to side as she wiped her eyes with the tips of her fingers.

“No, and I’m afraid I never will. It’s really hard seeing you again,” she blubbered.

Fuck it, we’re both adults.

I’m thinking you’re feeling the same way I am. 

“Sam,” I said as I slowly stood.

She wiped her tear filled eyes. After what seemed like an eternity, she shifted her gaze upward.

“Yeah,” she breathed.

Here we go.

“I love you, Sam,” I said as I opened my arms.

She sat for a split-second and stared with wide eyes.

Bad idea.

You should have kept your mouth shut, Otis.

She stood, screeched like she’d just seen a snake, and jumped into my arms.

“Oh God, I love you, too,” she breathed into the side of my neck.

How quickly a person’s life can change...

One simple statement or event can flip your life into a completely different direction. No differently than Jack being released from prison, or the bikers in Waco who were thrown in jail for being in a bar at the wrong time, holding Sam in my arms made an immediate and unscheduled change in my life. A change for what I assumed would be the better, but a change nonetheless. As I held her in my arms, a rush of memories filled my mind, and I quickly came to realize one thing for absolute certain.

I wasn’t ever going to let her escape my grasp again.