Our Bodies, Ourselves (76 page)
Read Our Bodies, Ourselves Online
Authors: Boston Women's Health Book Collective
Answering “no” to any of these questions does not mean you should not have children. They are just considerations. Many of us feel that it's impossible ever to feel completely ready to be a parent:
My husband and I batted the idea of children around for a while. There are enough reasons to have them as there are to not have them. Every other milestone in our relationship seemed to take a while, but when we decided to have a child, we just closed our eyes and jumped. If we'd have deliberated on children as long as we did our other decisions, we'd never have a kid!
A NOTE ON LANGUAGE
It's difficult to find a term for having no children. Many people use “child-free.” This chapter does also, although the term does not take into account the many ways that childrenâand commitments to childrenâmay be in our lives even if we are not parents.
INFLUENCES ON YOUR CHOICE
Here are some common challenges, misconceptions, or issues that can influence the decision-making process:
â¢
Avoiding a conscious decision.
Some women let nature “decide” by not using contraception. Others delay so long that the decision is made by default.
â¢
Giving in to pressure from family members or peers.
Your parents especially might be eager for you to have children so they can have grandchildren, or your extended family may expect you to have children by a certain age. You may also feel pressure if many or all your friends are becoming parents, possibly making you feel you should do the same.
â¢
Letting your partner decide for you.
He or she might be eager to have a child or might want you to promise
not
to. You may go along with such a wish if you're afraid your partner will get angry or leave or if you're uncertain and just want the decision to be over. When you're newly in love, you may go along with your partner's wish to have a baby together or to abort a pregnancy and then regret it later. Pay attention to your feelings and seek support outside your relationship if you're having difficulty sticking up for yourself.
â¢
Thinking your partner will change.
In your eagerness to form a family, you may ignore warning signs that your partner isn't ready for parenthood. It's a mistake to think that negative traits or habits will disappear when your partner becomes a parent or that parenting itself will improve a partner's behavior. In addition, if you or your partner has a drug or alcohol problem, is irresponsible or immature, or is explosive and violent, it is unlikely that he or she will change when the baby arrives.
â¢
Thinking it's a decision between no children and two children.
Many of us assume that we must have two children, to provide the first child with a companion and as a hedge against having a spoiled only child. However, only children are no more or less spoiled, lonely, or maladjusted than children with siblings. For many people, a one-child family is just right.
â¢
Making the decision without knowing what children are really like.
How do you feel when you're with babies and children? Get to know your friends' kids or your nieces, nephews, and cousins. Take them to the park. Have a sleepover. Spend an afternoon playing games. Do you have a good time? Do you feel drawn to them?
â¢
Worrying that you won't be a good parent.
It is common to doubt your ability to parent. Be assured that you can learn, grow, and change by talking with supportive people in your life, reading parenting books or taking parenting classes, or discussing your fears and concerns with a counselor.
ISSUES FROM CHILDHOOD
Most of us bring issues from our childhood into adulthood. It is often difficult to think seriously of having a child until you work through the issues of most concern. Counseling can help make your past less burdensome and give you the space to consider parenthood. Some feminist counseling centers, family service agencies, community health centers, and other community organizations offer free or low-cost professional help.
Women who had particularly difficult childhoods often find it especially hard to make decisions about whether to have children.
For a long time I didn't want children. My desire to not have children was motivated by how messed up my parents were. I didn't want to bring a child into the world with that kind of baggage.
If you feel distressed or damaged by events when you were younger, you may wonder if you will be able to nurture a child. Many women who have lived through incest or physical abuse fear the physical changes of pregnancy, and medical examinations and inseminations can feel invasive. Some women with abuse histories find that pregnancy and childbirth sometimes trigger flashbacks or feelings of helplessness.
Taking time to reflect on and to address these issues can provide an opportunity for healing and growth, whether or not we become parents, and, if we do, help make the transition to parenting easier.
Three women reflect on how they made the decision to have children and how they felt in the aftermath of their decisions:
I spent a lot of time being the oldest child and helping my mother out with my siblings. I don't remember being a happy child or ever wanting or thinking I would have children. Then I became a social worker and youth worker. One day I realized I spend all my time caring for children, exactly what I thought I didn't want! After getting over my fears, I finally had a child, and it is the best thing that ever happened in my very wonderful life. She is a complete joy, and I feel so lucky. My biggest regret is getting started too late and only having one child
.
Read more stories about deciding whether
to have children
and how children affect dating
and relationships
.
I love kids, but I've never had a strong urge to have them myself. I always wondered: How do you fit together the pieces of taking care of yourself and being a parent? I was single for most of my thirties, then got involved with someone who was sure he didn't want children. But I still felt it was important for me to make an active choice for myselfâI didn't want to say no just because he said no. I talked with a lot of women, looked at both sides, then decided against having a child. The hardest part was
telling my parents, because I felt like they'd be so disappointed in me. But when I did, I felt a tremendous relief, and really, I haven't thought about it much since
.
© Donna Alberico
I had a child at forty-six. Before that, although I loved being with other people's children, anytime something went wrong and the child irritated me, I would think to myself
, How could I ever stand the full-time responsibility of being a mother?
Somehow, becoming a mother changed that. There is an intangible, indescribable bond intrinsic to the relationship that in the long run transcends the petty everyday irritating occurrences
.
Once my husband and I had been married a few years, there were constant questions about when we would start a familyâparticularly from our parents, whose friends were all grandparents. Then there was additional pressure when our friends were all having childrenâthis changed the dynamics of our friendships and was an unexpected result of deciding not to have children
.
The societal and familial pressures on women to have children can be intense. Our culture sees having children as an intrinsic part of being a woman, and many people assume that a woman cannot be truly fulfilled if she doesn't have a child. Those of us who choose not to have children are often judged as selfish by those around us. Many of us find it helpful to join a support group or find others ways to connect with people who support and validate our choice. For more information and support, see the Childless by Choice Project at childlessby choiceproject.com.
In becoming parents, we embark on a transformative journey. Welcoming children into our lives brings moments of elation, fear, grief, frustration, and joy. This section offers a brief overview of several different paths to parenthood: conceiving and bearing a child; adopting; or caring for a foster child.
It's amazing how little we are taught about our own bodies in health class. We get a few basic lessons on birth control, but that's it. Where is the detailed information on predicting the timing of ovulation and learning to monitor your own unique fertility patterns? It certainly wasn't covered in my high school health curriculum
.
Once you decide to try to get pregnant, you may be surprised to find that you know much more about preventing pregnancy than about achieving it. Charting your menstrual cycle is one way to learn about fertility “signals” and optimize your chance of getting pregnant. (To find out more, see
“Charting Your Menstrual Cycles.”
)
If possible, it's good to meet with your health care provider or a maternity care provider before you begin trying to get pregnant. A preconception visit can help you learn about how to best prepare for pregnancy. During this visit, a good health care provider will do the following:
⢠Learn about your past pregnancies and births, take a family history, and examine you to assess for potential problems during pregnancy.
⢠Identify ways to help you manage current medical conditions and avoid pregnancy complications.
⢠Review all medications you are taking and recommend changes, if necessary.
⢠Learn whether you are a good candidate for genetic screening tests.
⢠Offer any immunizations you need that cannot be given during pregnancy.
⢠Recommend that you start taking folic acid supplements (400 mcg a day for most women) a few months before you start trying to conceive.
⢠Offer support and help for substance abuse, such as smoking cessation and/or alcohol or drug abuse.
⢠Identify any unsafe environmental exposures you can reduce or eliminate during pregnancy.
Adoption is another way to create or extend families. You may be unable to conceive, or you may have a medical condition that would make pregnancy and childbirth unsafe. Some women prefer not to become pregnant or choose adoption over giving birth out of concern for children who need loving families.
Adopting Katy has been the greatest joy of my life. She is 11 months old now and was born in Kazakhstan. Several people have said how lucky Katy is or how brave I am to be doing this alone. In all honesty, though, I am the lucky one to have such a fabulous daughter, and courage has nothing to do with it. A mother's love and desire are what made (and continues to make) this family happen. I have never been more sure of anything and am thrilled that she is my daughter
.
Another woman says of her experience adopting after infertility:
The time between finding out you cannot or should not have a pregnancy and deciding to follow a new dream is the saddest time. In life there are no guarantees, but if you go with an
adoption agency with a good reputation, you can be almost certain you will become a parent. And once you make the decision, it is as if a rainbow appears. We call this our paper pregnancy, a child born in our hearts. Instead of running out of stores at the sight of a pregnant woman and avoiding the baby-product aisle at the market. I smile, hold my head up. I am on cloud nine
.
Adoption entails logistical, emotional, and financial challenges. Though our options are often limited by finances, the requirements of adoption agencies and foreign countries, or the availability of children to adopt, learning about the various choices and being honest about whatever limits exist will help create a situation that will work for everyone.
My partner and I were present at the birth of our son, which we considered an incredible gift after years of infertility and a long adoption process. After a difficult birth, I was allowed to carry the baby to the neonatal unit, where he was measured and tested. It was in this intense moment that we learned that our birth mom had tested positive for drugs, so they were going to test our baby, too. I experienced an amazing tug of mixed emotionsâI was furious at the birth mother for lying to us about her drug use and worried that the baby would have some problem that we weren't prepared to take on . . . [The baby] also looked terribleâso huge and puffy from the birth mom's untreated diabetesâand I worried whether I could love this ugly baby. Over the next few days, as it became clearer that the birth mom was going to follow through with the adoption, I still freaked out about my mixed feelings about the baby. Ironically, my partner, who had always been more ambivalent about being a mother, was the one who immediately and fiercely bonded with the baby. My feelings gradually resolved themselves as I spent time holding and talking to this little person in the NICU [neonatal intensive care unit], where he spent six days. He began to lose his puffiness and turned into
my
beautiful baby
.