Our Heart (44 page)

“What I saw on the tree was both wondrous and amazing. It took me back to the better times with your grandfather, but it also brought back the sorrow I caused him. I was his special woman, but I didn’t deserve to be; yet he has never, never asked me what happened. Instead, he has worked even harder throughout our lives together to show me how much I’ve meant to him. That is a love that has lifted me up and given me more strength and courage than I ever thought possible. It also has reminded me every day of my life what I almost gave up for a chance at fame, when the greatest reward in life is having someone like your grandfather to love and to be loved by. To say only I was proud of you would not be fair. I’m way past that. I know you and Allison are young and still have so much to experience, but I can see the connection that binds the two of you together. I believe it will always be so. I am worried what has transpired between you and your father might cause unnecessary challenges for the two of you. I hope I’m wrong.”

I was now the one holding back the emotions inside. My grandma had just passed me on to adulthood with her talk. I was now an equal, and she had shown that by trusting me with her story. She also tried to warn me that I might face struggles where I would need courage to endure and not to take any moment for granted. If only I had had her insight to know what was coming next, then maybe I would have reacted differently.

Chapter 24

I looked down at my watch and saw that a good thirty minutes had elapsed since I entered the church. I needed to head over to the visitation; it would be beginning soon. All these memories of Allison and the Old Oak tree confused the emotions turning within me. There was so much turmoil running around inside of me, I wondered if I’d ever be whole again. I needed some answers, and I wasn’t sure where to find them. One thing was certain; I was going to have to make a trip to the tree, and I thought I would visit this pew again.

The church brought me closer to my pain and gave me the courage to face the questions and the willingness to listen to the answers. My memories, my emotions, my life stemmed from the hearts carved in the tree. If there was one place I could go where the answers might be, it was there. The past and present seemed to be blurring, and the only place of stability for me was the tree. A warming calmness wrapped its arms around me. I was now certain that Murphy’s meadow and the old oak tree held the answers I would need.

One of the large double doors leading into the church opened, and I turned to face a familiar silhouette in the light of the entryway. My father stood his ground, not wanting to disturb me. I rose out of the pew and walked towards him. It was his time now for reflection; mine had ended for the time being. In less than four hours, we would once again find ourselves drawn to the sanctuary of the church. I moved silently past him and towards uncertain destinies.

Chapter 25

There are moments when we relive our lives and moments when life seems to relive us. As I stood with flashlight in my hand and the light splayed out on the ground, I could not swear what year it was or even how old I was. It seemed like everything was converging on me all at once. In less than two days, I would be giving a eulogy to a man every bit as much a father to me as he was my grandfather. My real father had come back into my life, and I was beginning to see him differently. Call it maturity, maybe time, I just didn’t know what was what anymore. Walking the streets of my hometown had comforted me in ways I couldn’t have imagined a few short days ago. I wanted to be home and, much more than that, I wanted to know peace again.

I kept my head lowered, afraid to shine the light in the tree and the hearts carved there. I didn’t know what to expect: some revelation that might bring happiness, or would I be disappointed only to feel the sorrow in my soul, even deeper? Within every part of my being, I had no other options than to be here, right now, at this very moment. This place and this tree were so much a part of my linage, it had to be where the answers were.

I slowly let the light trace its way up the trunk of the tree toward the hearts. I didn’t raise my eyes any higher than what the light exposed on the surface of the tree. The light began to catch a dancing shadow, and I could now hear the velvety sound of the yellow ribbon as it gently brushed across the bark in the tousled breeze. The ribbon had been formed into a bow and attached to the tree just below the heart I had carved for Allison and me. I knew this ribbon well; it was the one that had bound us together at the fair, not so many years before. It was faded and well worn, even frayed from all the elements it had endured here on the tree, but to me it still held the glory of the moment when it had first tied two hearts together.

It was obvious the ribbon had been mounted on the tree a long time ago. I don’t know if seeing it there or the realization that it had been there for so long hurt the most. I felt the pangs of lost time wash through me, and I had to take short breaths to get my emotions back in check. My hand began to tremble and, suddenly, the flashlight felt like it weighed a hundred pounds. I fought the rest of my fears and raised the light so I could take in the heart I had carved. The years had done little to fade its outline, and the delicate carving rendered on the old oak tree, stood out like a beacon, a testament to a time when love was the only thing that mattered…

Chapter 26

The day of the prom was finally here! I was as excited as I was nervous. I spent the entire morning practicing a song on my guitar, trying to get it just right. Ever since my performance at the fair, I had been getting solicited to sing with the choir or to play at school events. It made me feel appreciated to think they thought I was that good. They kept after me until I finally agreed to sing a song at the prom. I told them I would only do it if they kept it totally off the radar until they asked me to sing at the prom. The committee agreed, and it didn’t hurt that Melissa was the one pushing for me to sing in the first place.

Grandma and I seemed to be on a different level with each other. I had taken what she said to heart and mind. I was still trying to comprehend everything she had conveyed, the story itself and the meaning she hoped I’d get out of it. I know she was worried I might be uncertain what to make of her now that I knew her secret. I’m sure it had only added to the guilt she carried around with her. After my shower, the first of two I’d be taking today, I caught up with her in the living room. She was running the vacuum over the well-worn carpet. I came up behind her and she turned just in time to save herself from an unexpected jolt, the kind that comes when someone sneaks up on you when you aren’t ready.

She shut off the vacuum cleaner and looked me up and down. I just smiled and said, “Thanks for everything, Grandma!” Her eyes softened and then she smiled back.

“All ready for tonight?” she asked.

“Pretty much,” I replied.

“
Life is what you make of it,” was one of her favorite sayings and I guess she knew
it
better than anyone else
. I gave her a hug and said I was heading out for awhile and would be back later to get dressed. She nodded and asked no questions, just as I knew she wouldn’t. I really didn’t know if the night was going to go the way I wanted it to, but I wanted to be ready just in case. The weather report had the day being cloudy, the night cool, and tomorrow morning on the chilly side, but no rain, and that was okay by me. I rolled up a couple of blankets, along with one of our heavy sleeping bags, just in case. I put a couple of bottled waters and grapes in a cooler, along with a pair of candy bars. In the pack with the blankets, I added a flashlight and a small lightweight tarp just in case.

I headed out with the pack on my back, the sleeping bag tied to the bottom of it, and the cooler in my hand. I didn’t see anyone, and I hastened for the woods as fast as I could. It took me the better part of thirty minutes to make my way up the hill to the old oak tree. The meadow seemed quiet today, as if it was slumbering, waiting for the opportunity to come alive at the perfect moment. I found a good place on the other side of the tree, in the grass. I took the tarp out of the pack. I wrapped it around the pack and cooler and nestled it away, out of sight. I stopped and looked at the heart and key carved on the tree. If things went well, Allison was going to see this very soon.

With everything now in place at the tree, I breathed a little easier and headed for home. Grandpa had to go into town so he’d offered to pick the tux up for me from Cindy’s Casual Wear. Once a year during the prom, they went all out for the town kids and even held a fashion show. They always made sure there were enough different ensembles on hand to make everyone feel unique. I had no idea what Allison’s dress looked like, only that I should be traditional and rent a black tux. She left it up to me what style to choose, no pressure there. I did what any smart man would do…I deferred to my Grandma Sarah and she went with me the day I tried on tuxes. I settled on the one she said I looked very “dapper” in. Grandma also helped me pick out a corsage for Allison. It had a beautiful white lily as the main flower with lots of baby’s breath and miniature yellow roses around it. She told me it would go great with Allison’s dress. I was beginning to see quite a little collusion going on when it came to me and the prom. I smiled and went with the flow, glad to have her help.

The actual prom dance wasn’t scheduled to start until eight p.m. in the high school gym. That gave everyone plenty of time to go into Cedar Rapids to have supper at one of the fancier restaurants. Bill’s would get a few kids, but it was generally understood that tonight was just one of those times the local kids wanted something more. Bill’s was a tremendous supporter of the town and ran the food portion of the “after prom” event for the local church. Between seven-thirty and eight p.m., the parents and anyone that really wanted to come were invited to watch the processional take place at the school. All the attendees and their escorts would line up down the halls and parade through the cafeteria for all to see and photograph before entering into the gymnasium. Each couple would be formally announced, as they walked into the cafeteria. Singles were paired up at the door to be introduced
together,
to help take some of the stigma off of coming alone.

It gave everyone a chance to see the girls in their dresses, the guys in their tuxes, and to catch any last-minute surprises, which there were always a few. Cameras clicked and flashes went off in a frenzy of blinding light. Most of the kids would complain about having to walk down the hall, but in truth, it usually ended up being one of the highlights of the evening. Every girl in town from age ten on up seemed to be there, and every guy found some other place to be.

Matt, Dani, Allison, and I were all going to go in Matt’s car to a restaurant called “Lancaster’s.” It was a regular favorite for prom couples to go to in Cedar Rapids. They served an assortment of dishes and cuisines. I knew we wouldn’t be the only ones there from Cedar Junction. Our reservations were for five forty-five, which meant we needed to leave by five o’clock at the latest. I would need to be at Allison’s by four-thirty for pictures with her folks and my grandparents. I was beginning to see why most guys dreaded all the trimmings and just wanted to get to the meat, while the girls thrived on the anticipation and fanfare.

I took my second shower of the day at three p.m. and, after finding myself spending more time in front of the mirror than I had ever done before, I finally felt ready to go by four o’clock. I was feeling pretty good about the way I looked. When I came downstairs, Grandma whistled at me and Grandpa offered me a “Whoa boy!” I smiled and decided maybe the effort was worth it after all. I carried my guitar down with me and handed it to Grandpa. I reminded him to set it just back stage, behind the curtain where the DJ was going to be set up for the dance. He nodded and smiled.

For the next twenty minutes, I paced and then paced some more, the butterflies doing a number on my nerves. I had so many thoughts racing around inside of my head it made it hard to get a handle on what I was really feeling. I was kind of wishing I hadn’t agreed to sing tonight, even though it had seemed like a good idea at the time. Grandpa looked up from the couch where he was sitting and gave me a hard stare. When I got one of those, I knew that I had begun to creep up on his tolerance for restlessness. I took a deep breath and headed out to the kitchen for a glass of water.

Moving back along the hall toward the front door, I unwrapped a piece of spearmint gum and popped it in my mouth. Neither of my grandparents said any last words, and I let the screen door close with a bang. With the corsage in my hand I made my way to Allison’s front door. I didn’t even get the chance to knock. Mr. Dittmer opened the door the second I hit the top of the porch.

He was all smiles as he looked me over. “Nice duds there,” he sang to me. “Come on in. I’ve got the camera all set up in the living room.” He’d moved a coffee table and recliner out of the way and set up his camera on a tripod so he could take pictures. I’d heard some of my older friends talk about the endless pictures their parents had taken before their proms. I was beginning to think I would be next in line to share a story. Mrs. Dittmer wasn’t anywhere to be seen, and Mr. Dittmer could sense my curiosity. He let me know the “women” would be down any minute.

While we waited, Mr. Dittmer had me stand in several spots, until he found the one that agreed with his photography sense the most. This required me to help him shift the couch several feet out of the way so it wouldn’t be part of the picture. He’d even taken the pictures of the wall so there would be a purely white background for the photos. Before I could even ask, he told me, “No, I haven’t put a new coat of paint on the wall, either.” We both began to laugh, and I started feeling a whole lot better. We were engaged in easy conversation when I heard Mrs. Dittmer clear her throat.