Our Heart (48 page)

We talked about his plans and what he was looking for, how I would fit in. All of it made me excited, but I pretty much knew I wouldn’t be going. I looked for a way to potentially keep the door open. I told him it was all that I had dreamed about, but I was going to need some time to think it through.

He must have guessed what I was struggling with and, instead of blowing me off, he offered encouragement to me. “Man, the road is hard enough, but it’s a killer if your heart is missing someone, especially when she is so far away. I understand better than most…lost a love because of my music. It takes a special kind of women to follow her man.”

I was grateful for his wisdom and told him so. We left it with a simple plan. I was more than welcome to join his band anytime; the offer would remain open indefinitely. That fact alone was not lost on me and made it somewhat better, as I realized the faith he had in my abilities. Now, all I had to do was find a compromise that would work between Allison and me and keep us together.

I didn’t want to bring it up to Allison until I felt better about where we were headed. It was tough enough with the ever-growing space between us. I faced Allison down the day before she was leaving for the Madrigal contest in Chicago. They would be gone from school for two days and then stay over the weekend to visit some of the sites the city had to offer. I didn’t feel good about her leaving, knowing the problems still between us. I wanted her to know that I had made the decision to meet her more than half way. I would stay here, but I wanted to give my singing career a strong try and, then, when she graduated, we’d plan the next steps together.

I know Grandma Sarah had been sensing the problems between Allison and me. She never said anything, but I could tell she was troubled by it. Today, Allison’s mood seemed to be more relaxed, and we sat together outside on the front porch swing. Grandma excused herself from her rocker and made sure Grandpa was occupied elsewhere. I had rehearsed my conversation over and over in my head. I saw it leading towards happy endings with Allison. We would once again walk side by side, devoid of the chasm currently existing between us.

I had my arm around her shoulder and she rested her head on mine. The porch swing made a rhythmic creak, as I pushed it back and forth with my legs. “Hey, I got a call from the guy in California; he asked me if I was still interested in singing with them. The band is almost put together.” I felt Allison stiffen next to me. “We talked for a long time, and I told him that I had plans to stay around here for a while. He left the offer open and wished me luck.” I thought Allison would react by hugging me and telling me how much she loved me and what a noble sacrifice I had made; instead, she sat up and stared into my eyes.

“When did he call?”

I told her I’d talked to him last week.

“How come you didn’t say anything sooner?”

I could tell by the tone of her voice she was upset, but I wasn’t sure why. I told her I wanted some time to think it through and to tell her the right way. “I didn’t want to upset you; maybe I should have said something earlier.”

Allison broke away from me and rose from the swing. I couldn’t tell what the emotion was crossing her face, hurt, anger, fear? I was expecting love and relief, not more separation. I looked up at her and I started to get up. She put out her hands in a gesture I clearly understood to be, no, stay there.

She shook her head and, as the tears came again, she said, “I don’t want to be the one who takes away your dreams.” She couldn’t say anything else and, before I could say anything, she turned away and ran down the steps towards home.

I sat there stunned and confused even more. I didn’t move from the porch for a long time. I watched the lights in Allison’s room go on and followed her silhouette as she paced within her room. I couldn’t see her looking out her window, but I knew she was looking down at me. I hadn’t felt this low in a long time. Love was supposed to pull you through, not drive you apart. I didn’t know what to do. Maybe the time apart would give us both a chance to see things more clearly.

The bus for Chicago left the next morning at six a.m. I wasn’t there to see her off, and she didn’t call me before she left. I felt empty, and the next two days of school went by in a dense fog. I went but couldn’t have told you what I did while I was there. Grandma tried to talk to me and gave up when I was totally unresponsive. Stacy Dittmer came over on Saturday afternoon, and I could hear her and Grandma in deep discussion in the kitchen. I made sure to stay out of their way.

On Sunday morning, I awoke to pouring rain. Everything, including my spirit, felt damp and cold. My heart was aching, and I felt like disaster was about to strike. Allison’s bus was scheduled to be back at the school around five-thirty. I needed to do something to right the situation between us. I didn’t doubt that what we felt was very real, but somehow it was now off-kilter and spinning out of control.

My Grandparents and I ate a late dinner, and the conversation was virtually nil. Afterwards, I took a walk downtown. The rain had stopped, but I still felt the inner chill. I stopped at Marge’s Gift store and looked around. It was one of the few places that remained opened on Sunday afternoons. She doubled as the town’s florist. I liked the smell of the candles mixed with the fragrance of the freshly cut flowers. Marge’s sister, Tammy, was working and she smiled at me. When I stopped in front of the glass display case where the flowers were kept, she came over and asked if I needed any help. Before I knew it I had bought a long-stemmed dark red rose. She fastened the little water vase to the stem and wrapped it in paper for me. I left the store feeling hopeful I might be on the right road.

I waited across from the school for the bus to come. It didn’t arrive until nearly six-fifteen. I was resting against the big elm tree in front of Selma Hastings’ house when the bus turned the corner of 3
rd
street. I didn’t see Allison in any of the windows on my side. I started walking across the street and, when I looked up, I saw Nick through the back bus window. He had his arm around a girl and they were sitting close together. He happened to catch my eye and, as I watched, he leaned in and kissed the girl he was sitting with. She had a baseball cap on, but there was no hiding the red color of her hair. She didn’t push him away or even slap him. He looked back at me and smiled.

Like a scene playing out in a dramatic movie,
I dropped the rose in the street and turned away; there was now nothing left here for me. The end had come, and I recognized it for what it was. I ignored the call of my name. Allison, like my grandma, had chosen to walk away from love. I knew I didn’t have the belief anymore or the fortitude my grandfather must have had when he chased after Grandma. I only felt loss and dejection. I had believed in the love that was mine and Allison’s, but somewhere I had failed her, as witnessed by a single kiss that should not have been. I heard Allison desperately continue to call out after me, but I kept walking away from the source of my love and heartache.

It was after midnight before I walked in the back door to our kitchen. Both of my grandparents were up and sitting their waiting for me. I had walked all around town and sat for a long time at the park. I knew Grandma was worried; I could see it by the look on her face. She told me Mrs. Dittmer had called earlier and was concerned about what had happened. She said Allison was very upset and wouldn’t tell her why, other than she’d done something
terrible to hurt you
. I was not comforted by Grandma’s comments. I might have felt some sort of hopefulness if Allison had confessed
exactly what it was
she had done.

I wasn’t any more forthcoming with answers to the questions raised by my grandma. I sat sullenly, as she tried to pry out of me what was happening. Without any thought, I finally looked at her and said, “I’ll be leaving the day after graduation to go to San Diego to join Jesper Donavan’s band.” The silence was deafening. I didn’t care to look at the hurt in Grandma Sarah’s eyes or to face the questions masked in Grandpa’s face; instead, I rose and went to my room.

I called Jesper the next day and told him my plans. On the Friday before graduation, the plane ticket arrived in the mail. I avoided Allison and Nick the last three days of school. It didn’t matter anyway, since for two of the last three days Allison didn’t even make it to school. I took it as a sign she wanted nothing else to do with me and gave up hope when she never tried to call or stop and see me.

Matt and I went fishing on Thursday, and I shared my plans. He didn’t know how to ask what had happened, but he knew Nick had been a part of it. He did what a true friend should; he spent time just being with me and I appreciated it. My anger had settled into a full frontal determination; there would be no stopping or changing directions now.

Allison had betrayed the most intimate trust between us. I was not my grandfather, nor was she my grandmother. There would be no pursuit this time, no reconciliation. She had made her choice, and now I would move on. I almost walked up the hill to the meadow, a fierce fire burning to destroy the image of love I had carved on the tree, but I couldn’t do it. I knew that even looking at it would be more than I could handle. I spent the last couple of days packing for my trip. Whenever I had to leave home, I walked north away from Allison’s house. If there was ever a thought of talking one last time, it was killed on the day of graduation, when Nick brought her home from school.

The night of graduation, the choir sang the school song and the class song. Allison wasn’t there and neither were her parents. I had no smile as I crossed the stage to receive my diploma. I had passed on the opportunity to confront Nick several times, but when he came up to me after graduation, I conceded to the frustrations and anger inside of me. He was unsure as he approached, but I let him come to me. Friendship and past promises meant nothing, and as he opened his mouth to say something, I hit him. No one had to come and break us apart, because I turned and walked away, leaving him to rub his swollen mouth and wonder if his teeth were all intact.

With my mind made up to go to California, I stopped listening to my heart. My mindset was now firmly rooted, and I wanted no distractions. Grandma only tried once more to talk with me and then gave up. My plane was scheduled to leave from Cedar Rapids on Saturday night. It would fly into Minneapolis, and then I would take the Redeye direct to San Diego. I busied myself during the day, but the hours seemed to crawl by. I wanted out of Cedar Junction and I wasn’t coming back.

At four o’clock, the front door bell rang. I was upstairs, running through my mental checklist of items to take. Grandma answered the door, and I could hear the familiar voice of Larry Dittmer. Grandma invited them in and I heard the porch door close. I felt uneasy and sad at the same time. I really liked the Dittmers and was going to miss them. Thinking about them made me hurt for Allison, and I panicked, wondering if she was downstairs as well.

I was ready to bolt the door and move the dresser to block it, if I had too. I heard Grandma Sarah coming up the stairs. I could tell it was only her by the sound of the footsteps. My door was still open and she entered my room.

“The Dittmers would like to tell you goodbye,” was all she said to me, her eyes full of tremendous sorrow.

I could tell my grandma was playing to my manners, even though she knew it was going to be hard for me. I felt the nervousness run throughout my body, but in the end, as my grandma faced me down, I relented and nodded.

I held my breath as I went down the steps behind Grandma. I could see Larry and Stacy Dittmer standing just inside the door, Allison, thankfully, was not with them. I could tell by the look on their faces they were just as nervous as I was. It looked like Mrs. Dittmer had been crying; her eyes looked puffy even from a distance.

When I made the bottom landing, Larry approached me. “Stacy and I wanted to stop by and wish you luck in California,” he said, as he stretched out his hand to me.

Instinctively, I shook his hand and mumbled, “Thanks.” I couldn’t help but notice Mrs. Dittmer stayed close to the door, and she averted her eyes, so she didn’t have to look at me directly.

Mr. Dittmer added, “
Hear
you have a great opportunity out there to show your stuff, really sounds like a dream come true. I know I speak for Stacy as well when I say we’ll miss you around here.”

I hung my head, and it was all I could do to calm the wave of sadness building within me. I didn’t feel like talking, afraid it would come out wrong and emotional, so I just nodded.

Mr. Dittmer was a man who knew the score, and he shook my hand one more time as he said, “The best of luck to you, Son!” He turned to his wife and they started out the door.

Before Mrs. Dittmer left, she turned to me and spoke, her voice nearly cracking, “I’m so very sorry about what happened between Allison and you…and…she is too.” With that, she hustled out the door, and I could hear her sobbing, as Larry put an arm around her, as they walked back home.

I stood where I was, with my head down. Grandpa put his hand on my shoulder and we stood that way in silence, each of us reflecting in our own ways. With a sigh, I moved forward toward the kitchen, and Grandpa’s hand fell away. Something in my heart was trying to overcome the voice in my head, but it was still overshadowed by my unwillingness to listen. I let the hurt win and justified my choice to leave for California.

By five o’clock the car was packed, and the three of us quietly got in. Grandpa had the radio tuned to a country station, but no one was really listening. I sat in the back with my thoughts, Grandma and Grandpa in the front with theirs. My last thought as we passed beyond the city’s outskirts was simply, “It’s for the best.”