Our Husband (a humorous romantic mystery) (11 page)

"Pretend you're mute."

"You're a mean lady."

"Yeah, well don't forget it."

At a noise behind them, they turned to see Natalie walk in, white and trembly. She looked past them to the casket, and her

knees buckled. Ruby rushed to her side and she was surprised to see that Beatrix was on the other side, although she was

frowning. They led her forward one shaky step at a time. At the edge of the casket, Natalie clutched the side and burst into

tears. Ruby stroked her back and handed her a wad of toilet paper she'd gotten from the ritzy bathroom down the hall. Natalie

blew her nose, whimpering like a puppy being weaned. When Natalie quieted, they seated her in a padded folding chair near

the front of the room.

The stinky funeral director appeared with a box of Kleenex—was he wearing
lipstick
?

"Are you ladies related to Mr. Carmichael?" he asked, his voice soft and lispy. Definitely gay, she thought. Flame-o-rama.

Ruby and Natalie looked at Beatrix, who squirmed. "Um... no. This is Natalie Blankenship and—" She raised her

eyebrows at Ruby.

"Ruby Hicks," Ruby provided.

"Yes," Beatrix said, her mouth turned down. "They're... they're... my sisters."

Ruby coughed away her smile. Sisters? Natalie seemed equally surprised.

"How nice to meet you," the man said, pumping both of their hands with his cushiony paw. "And how wonderful for you to

come to provide comfort to Mrs. Carmichael in her time of grief."

"That's what
sisters
are for," Ruby said with a smile, settling one arm around Beatrix's shoulders, just for spite. The

woman stiffened, but didn't belt her. "Sir, would you take a picture of us?"

He blinked, but agreed.

She dug in her purse, winding up having to remove her makeup kit and her curling iron before she found her phone.

"This is highly improper," Beatrix said out of the side of her mouth.

Natalie didn't protest, but didn't smile as the man snapped the picture. Ruby took advantage of the moment to nab a few

photos of Ray. Other than two blurry photos from their wedding, she didn't have a single picture of him for her scrapbook.

Beatrix appeared at her side and hissed, "What the devil are you doing, taking pictures?"

Ruby blinked. "My baby will never know her daddy—I want to be able to show her photos."

Beatrix's mouth tightened, then she spoke through gritted teeth. "Put away the phone and I'll get you a picture of Raymond."

She brightened. "Really?"

"Really."

"Cross your heart and hope to die?"

"Enough," Beatrix said, raising her hand. She looked toward the entrance, where two suited men and a woman stood,

looking forlorn. "There's Raymond's boss and coworkers, so leave.
Now
."

Beatrix brushed by her to greet the strangers. Ruby watched as they patted Beatrix's arm and talked amongst themselves.

Envy gripped her—she'd wanted the world to recognize
her
as Ray's wife. She glanced back to the casket, her eyes watering.

Why did you lie to me, Ray? Because I wasn't good enough to be your wife? Because I was a low-life, white-trash stripper?

I've got news for you, Ray. Low-life, white-trash strippers have feelings, too.

Ruby swallowed, then walked to Natalie's chair. "Come on," she whispered. "Let's get something to drink."

At first Natalie appeared not to have heard her, but finally nodded and stood. Ruby shortened her stride to match Natalie's

as they walked down the hall, suddenly feeling protective of the thin woman.

"Whew," Ruby said once she deposited Natalie at a little table in the vending room. "I could use a snack. How about

you?" When Natalie didn't answer, she pulled out her change purse, heavy with tip money, and inserted enough coins to buy

two bags of Doritos and two sodas. "I owe you money from the night at the hospital," Ruby said, setting the food on the table.

"You bought me hot chocolate, remember?"

Natalie was looking at her, but her blue eyes weren't focused. Ruby thought again of how attractive the woman could be

with a new hairstyle and a little makeup.

"Doc," she said, reaching forward to squeeze her small hand. "Are you okay?"

Slowly, Natalie came around, nodding. "How... how can you be so calm?"

Ruby ripped open the Doritos and cracked open the colas. "What do you mean?"

"You were married to him, too. How are you dealing with this?"

She took a sip of the drink. "The whole situation really stinks, but what's a person to do?"

"Hate him?" Natalie asked, kind of like she wanted permission to do just that.

"I can't hate him. He's the father of my child."

"But look what he did to us... to you."

Ruby frowned. "I know Ray was wrong, but he's dead now, so he's sort of been punished, don't you think?"

"What goes around, comes around," Natalie murmured.

Ruby smiled. "I always wondered what that saying meant."

The corners of Natalie's mouth lifted the tiniest bit. "Have you seen a doctor yet? About the baby, I mean?"

Ruby shook her head. "I took a home pregnancy test. Two of them, in fact. Saw a blue plus-sign both times. Do you think

that means I'm having a boy?"

Natalie shook her head. "No."

"Good, because I want a girl. So did Ray."

The woman was shredding the wad of toilet paper she'd given her. "So you and Raymond talked about having a child?"

"Oh, sure. Ray said he wanted four, two boys and two girls." She patted her stomach. "This little one came along earlier

than we'd planned, but Ray was thrilled. Insisted that we be married right away."

Natalie stared at her hands, then slipped back into a funk.

Famished, Ruby polished off both bags of chips and both colas, then followed up with a banana Moon Pie, also from the

vending machine. She tried to make small talk with Natalie over the next hour, sharing little tidbits she thought the other woman

would find interesting:

"Did you know that they put menthol in Noxzema during World War II so it wouldn't be taxed as a cosmetic?"

"No, I didn't."

"Did you know that a duck can't float in soapy water?"

"No, I didn't."

"Did you know that the nail on your middle finger grows faster than the rest?"

"No, I didn't."

The lipstick-wearing funeral director came in about then and announced the viewing of Raymond A. Carmichael would

end in approximately ten minutes. If the viewing had taken place in Leander, the family would have spent the night and the

viewing would have gone on for two days. But this was the city, and everything moved faster, even funerals. She wanted one

last look, and so did Natalie. They returned to the viewing room and stood among the potted palm trees until only Beatrix

remained at the casket.

To Ruby's surprise, the woman bent and placed a kiss on Ray's forehead, then removed her wedding ring and slipped it on

his left hand, next to his own wedding ring. He'd told Natalie and her both the same story—that the ring was his grandfather's—

but Beatrix confirmed she'd given it to him when they were married ages ago.

The funeral director closed the double doors to the room as he exited, sealing them from prying eyes. She and Natalie

walked side by side up the aisle to say their final good-byes. Natalie kissed Ray's cheek, sobbing now.

"I'd like to bury my wedding ring with Raymond, too," Natalie said.

"And me," Ruby added.

Beatrix turned ten shades of red. "Absolutely, positively
not
."

"But we accepted these rings in good faith," Natalie said. "We thought we were married to him."

Beatrix crossed her arms over her chest. "But you weren't married to him—
I
was. If I were you two, I'd hock those trinkets

for whatever they're worth. Judging by the fake engagement ring he gave to Red here, that probably isn't much."

The door squeaked open and the gay funeral director poked his head into the room. "Mrs. Carmichael, the hearse and the

limousine are outside whenever you ladies are ready."

"We ladies?" Beatrix asked, frowning.

The man nodded. "I told the driver your sisters might be riding with you to the cemetery."

"Oh, but they—"

"Yes," Natalie cut in hoarsely, lifting her chin. "We
will
ride with Beatrix to the cemetery, won't we, Ruby?"

Suspecting she might never know where Ray was buried otherwise, Ruby nodded. "After all, that's what sisters are for."

Chapter 9

Natalie leaned her head back on the cool dark leather of the headrest, reflecting on the irony that not only was her first ride

in a limousine on the occasion of her husband's funeral, but that she was sharing the experience with his two other wives.

Wives
. The fact that the word 'wife' could even take on a plural form should be a warning to women everywhere.

Funny how a person's perception of what was acceptable changed in the light of new realities. At moments, she could

almost convince herself that she was overreacting. Polygamy was not only permissible, but encouraged in early times when

men were in short supply. A practicality, according to history books. Harems still existed in some cultures, and in others,

married men maintaining mistresses was simply a way of life. Indeed, many women she'd met in the course of her career had

admitted to looking the other way when their partner strayed. Now those women would ask her, "My dear, did you think you

were special?"

No. Not until I met Raymond.

"I don't feel so good," Ruby said, sprawling in the bench seat directly behind the tinted window that separated them from

the driver. Natalie sat on the side bench, facing the jiggling bar decanters. Beatrix had commandeered the back bench and

hadn't uttered a word in the thirty minutes since they'd left the funeral home.

"What's wrong?" Natalie asked.

"Feel like I'm going to puke," she said, rubbing her stomach.

Beatrix smirked. "That dress is making me nauseous, too."

"It's probably all that junk you ate," Natalie said. "Do you want me to ask the driver to stop?"

"Yeah," Ruby said, holding her hand up to her mouth.

"Oh, good grief," Beatrix muttered.

Experiencing a pang of sympathy for the green-faced woman, Natalie pressed a button to lower the window and asked the

driver to pull over, quickly. They were in a rural area, with little traffic other than the hearse they followed. The car slowed

and eased off the shoulder.

Ruby slid from her seat and crawled toward the back door on her knees. Her cheeks ballooned and she cried, "I ain't

gonna make it."

Beatrix jerked her legs out of the way just as the contents of Ruby's stomach landed on the plush black carpet.

"Jesus Christ,"
Beatrix shouted, clambering next to Natalie.

Natalie looked away, and shoved her nose into the crook of her arm lest she be sick herself. When she felt composed, she

dragged a handkerchief from her purse and knelt to help Ruby, whose shoulders still shook from heaving. Holding her breath,

she held back the girl's hair and wiped her slack mouth. "Open a bottle of water from the bar," she ordered Beatrix, then wiped

Ruby's white-washed face with a wet handkerchief while Beatrix glared.

"I'm sorry," Ruby mumbled. "I'm sorry."

Remembering the girl's gentle touch when she herself had been sobbing over Raymond's casket, she gave her a little smile.

"It's not your fault—it's the baby. Can you sit up?"

Ruby nodded and allowed Natalie to help her to the seat. Natalie handed the ice bucket to the grimacing driver and told

him to look for sand or something absorbent.

"I can't believe I agreed to let the two of you come," Beatrix hissed. "You've ruined everything."

Natalie sat back on her heels. "I'd like to know how the day our husband is buried could be further ruined."

Beatrix's mouth tightened and she looked away. "Just hurry the hell up."

Within a few minutes, Ruby was passably clean, and her color restored. The driver returned with dirty hands and the ice

bucket full of sandy soil, which Natalie dumped over the mess.

"Do you feel well enough to continue?" she asked Ruby.

The girl nodded, shoving her hand into her long hair and leaning back in the seat.

"Hallelujah," Beatrix said, moving as far away from them as possible. "Let's go already."

When they were underway again, Natalie studied the limp Ruby, obsessed with the thought that her husband's baby was