Ours Is Just a Little Sorrow (11 page)

She looked anything but pleased. I rather suspected she preferred the attention.

As if remembering his manners, John said, "Let me get you a drink, Violet. The cider is quite good."

"Thank you," I replied, not missing the subtle arch of Gideon's eyebrow.

Alone with a barracuda and a shark.

Gideon spoke first, "You look lovely this evening, Violet. The green of your gown matches your eyes."

"Thank you," I replied, not missing the subtle arch of Lady Leanna's eyebrow.

Hurry back, John.

"Will your family be joining us as well? I'm not acquainted with any Merriweathers."

"No," I answered, not filling in any blanks.

"Violet lives here. She's Phillip's governess," Gideon supplied.

"Oh." She blinked her surprise.

Gideon watched me with stony countenance as I blushed. I shouldn't have come. I needed to stop playing dress-up games and pretending to be someone I'm not.
I'm not sure what he wished to do with that answer, other than give her ammunition.

Lady Leanna thought for a moment and then handed me her empty cider cup. "Perhaps you can take this back to the kitchen for me. I'm done," she said, and
walked away.

My lower lip trembled but didn't hold back the biting tone of my words. "Why did you do that? I didn't ask to come. I didn't want to be here. Why would you
humiliate me like that? I thought…I thought at the very least we were friends."

Gideon plucked the dirty cup from my hands and placed it on the nearby mantel. "Why are
you
humiliated? She's the one who should be ashamed of
herself. Did you see the way she treated you? Close your mouth, sprite. Gaping is very unattractive."

"You set me up!" I whisper-shouted. "You just had to put me in my place. Was it that important to you that she understand I am merely a governess?"

I tried to storm away in an indignant huff, but Gideon stepped in front of me. "I'm sorry. I meant to prove a point about this society that you refuse to
condemn. I didn't mean to hurt you. Only to show how shallow they are and why I want nothing to do with them."

"You are that society, Gideon. You think you're above them, but you're not. All your ironic posturing aside, you have the power to change things but you
don't. You'd rather just complain about indignities of a class you don't know the first thing about. If it's so awful, do something about it."

Oblivious to the tension between us, John brought me a warm cider. "Ho, there."

I took the drink and willed my face to cool down from what I'm sure was a fiery red. From behind his back, John produced his other hand, in it a chocolate
biscuit. I blinked back a tear. He was sweet. Sweeter than I deserved.

"Thank you, John. I adore those, as you know."

Gideon stared at the chocolate in his brother's hand as if it were a large insect. He looked at me, and then at John, and furrowed his brow before he
walked away.

"Where is Phillip?" I asked. "Surely he should be down by now."

"Phillip doesn't come to this gathering."

For the second time in so many minutes, my jaw dropped. "Why ever not? It's Christmas. This is his family. Though not Lady Leanna. Is she?"

"No. Her father is close friends with mine. The two of them come to many of our gatherings."

I shook my head to get back on the correct line of thought. "Regardless, Phillip should be here."

"Violet, nobody wants to be here. We certainly don't want to subject a boy to it."

The honesty of his answer shook some of my righteousness off. "How likely is it that claiming a headache will get me out of this dinner? I'd much rather
eat with Phillip."

John smiled and offered my treat again. "That's a capital idea. However, if I must remain, you must remain."

The warmth of his smile reached around and pulled at my heart like a magnet to steel. "Let's sneak him dessert then."

An inner light of mischief came alive in his eyes. "Consider it done."

Dinner was a somber affair, especially for a Christmas party. Even the mock parties we held for practice at the academy were more spirited.

Lady Leanna made sure the conversation never strayed far from Lady Leanna. Gideon pushed food around his plate but kept his glass refilled several times a
course. The Colonel spent the meal complaining about the Juniper Society. And John squeezed my hand under the table.

My eyes widened in surprise. Was he trying to be supportive or was he flirting? I didn't know how to handle myself in the situations John and Gideon kept
putting me in.

As if my straying thoughts tapped his shoulder, Gideon raised his eyes to mine.

Maintaining what suddenly seemed liked intimate eye contact with me, Gideon leaned his head towards Lady Leanna so she could whisper something in his ear.
Jealousy tasted bitter and rancid as the bile of it bubbled inside of me.

He was trying to make me jealous.

It was working.

John poured more wine in my glass and I thanked him, grateful for a reprieve from Gideon's games. As I touched the glass to my lips, Gideon raised his to
me as if in toast. As if to say touché.

Did he think I was using John to compete with Lady Leanna? Perhaps a part of me was. No, no I liked John. I liked him very much, and I never led him to
believe that I was interested in more than the camaraderie of friendship.

John had never stolen liberties with me. I doubt he'd even think of disrespecting me by visiting my bed chambers in the still of night. He'd never push me
against a wall to kiss me, or undress me, or do just about any of the things Gideon had done. I blushed thinking about those things. How I'd wanted them.
How I wanted them again.

I looked to Gideon again and found him staring at me with a hunger he should have reserved for his uneaten dinner.

Lady Leanna noticed it as well.

"Miss Merriweather, hadn't you better check on Phillip at some point?" Lady Leanna asked, reminding everyone, in case they'd forgotten, that I was staff
and not guest.

"Yes, of course." I stood, glad of the excuse to leave the miserable party.

"Violet-" John stood, embarrassed for me.

"Please, stay. Enjoy your supper." To the table I said, "Christmas tidings everyone. I must go see to my charge."

The men stood. All but Gideon.

Chapter 9

"W
HAT ARE you doing here?"

Perhaps it would have been a question better asked while he was still outside my bedroom door, before I'd stepped aside and let him in.

While I was becoming quite used to conversing with Gideon in my bed chambers, it seemed ever so much more illicit when he came in through the door, rather
than the wall. My heart kicked at my ribs violently, sending my blood on a hot, strange new course through my veins.

I leaned heavily on my door, the solidness of it grounding my spirits some, but kept my hand firmly on the knob for instant escape. He shouldn't be here. I
shouldn't have let him in. I don't know why I ceased being practical whenever I was alone with Gideon. Or perhaps, I knew exactly why, which was the much
more frightening prospect.

I
wanted
to be alone with him. Part of me craved it. Even as angry as I was with him, and I was plenty angry.

He hadn't answered yet. Instead he stared at me. Glowered, more like. His gaze was like smoke, obscuring everything but the heat that kindled in his eyes.
"You know why I'm here."

I suppose I did.

My hand was damp with sweat and slipped off the brass knob I'd been holding in a terror grip.

"Why don't you go visit Lady Leanna?"

"I've had more than enough of the pleasure of her company."

"Well, she certainly seems to enjoy yours."

"Jealous, sprite?"

I shrugged. "She's the perfect match for you. You're each just as pleasant to be around as the other."

Gideon laughed. "Your claws are sharp tonight."

He took a step towards me, and I held my hand out as a halt."You should go."

"Leanna means nothing to me. She's not the one I dream about at night."

"You should go," I repeated, though my voice shook more this time.

"Is that what you want?"

I closed my eyes, hoping to find the strength there to say yes.

Or perhaps no.

Gideon stepped closer, his scent wrapping around me. He'd been riding. The smell of horse and leather and midnight combined with the trace of bourbon and
his shaving soap. Growing up in an all-girls academy didn't prepare me at all for the sensations so much masculinity brought with it. It permeated every
cell, tinged every one of my thoughts until I was no longer just me without him.

I opened my eyes with no discernible change in my temerity.

He was close enough to touch me, but I don't think I'd ever felt further away from him. We stood on opposite cliffs, the valley between us promising a
dangerous fall. Who would be first to jump?

"You're frightened of me. Of this," Gideon said. I didn't have to ask what he meant by
this
.

"Of course, I am." I ignored his look of hurt. "Oh Gideon, we both know you're going to hurt me."

He drew his brows down, unable to find the lie to make me feel better. I swallowed hard around the lump lodged in my throat.

"I should go," he said, but made no move to do so.

He drew unsteady breaths. Was he nervous too? No. Of course not. Gideon had nothing to lose.

"It isn't fair," I said, reacting to my own realization.

"What isn't fair, sprite?"

"You have no consequences. If you stay or go-you lose nothing. If you're found here, you lose nothing. Who would even slap your hand? My ability to provide
for myself--my reputation, my livelihood--everything can be taken from me just by you standing there. Even if I say no to you, if someone sees you here,
I'm done."

Gideon reached into the abyss between us first. Using only his finger, he brushed a lock of hair from my cheek. "I'm a cad. I don't have to tell you that.
But you know I would never take unnecessary chances with your reputation."

"You are right now."

"No, Violet. I said unnecessary chances. I couldn't stand one more minute without this chance, this night. It's wholly
necessary
." He became
enamored with the jumping pulse point on my throat. "I can't give you the things you want, Vi. Stability, a home, a husband, a family--none of that is
within my power."

"I don't want a husband."

"Yes, you do."

"You barely know me, Gideon. You don't know what I want."

He chuckled, low in his throat. The sound pulled at something in my center, loosening me from my moorings. He cupped my cheek, his palm warm and sure. I
felt hot and cold and full and empty all at the same time.

"I know you, all right. I know you like I'm looking into a mirror at my own soul. I see the things you hide, and I feel the things you want. And you want
the husband and the house, Vi. But more than that, you want me."

I inhaled sharply, like I'd come out of dream. He stared into my eyes, waiting. Waiting for me to invite further advance or turn him away. God help me, I
couldn't do either.

"I may be a bad man, Violet, but I won't take what isn't freely offered."

I couldn't say the words. I couldn't say
any
words. I stared at his mouth, letting time stretch taut between us. But Gideon was no gentleman. He
may not take me against my will, but he had no compunction about removing my will altogether. He brushed the hair completely off my shoulder and pressed a
kiss at the edge where my skin met the neckline of my bedclothes. "Tell me to go," he warned, his breath so hot on my neck. He zeroed in on my pulse point
and I gasped his name. "Tell me to go," he repeated, his voice tightened with barely repressed fervor.

"I can't."

"Then tell me to stay." He pulled back and the cool air misted my skin where his mouth had just been. "I can't tell you about love, but I can teach you
about passion. It's inside you. Right now it's screaming to me. I've heard it since the day I met you, Violet. Tell me to stay."

"I can't," I cried. Trapped between a longing I didn't understand and the need to protect myself, my station. I couldn't win. "I'm not strong enough."

His mouth twisted into a grin that was neither happy nor cruel. "Now you're lying. I've never met a stronger person than Miss Violet Merriweather." Gideon
stepped back. "I should leave."

My future flashed before me. Gideon would not be in it. And neither would this tumultuous frenzy, this dance with danger that made my blood sing. If I
wanted a taste of passion, this was my chance. I grabbed his arm as he made to walk past me. "Stay."

Without a word, Gideon swooped me into his arms and carried me to the bed. Once again, the storm in his eyes thrashed me about like a pebble in the rolling
sea. There was nothing for me to hold to that wouldn't send me under the waves. I wanted to drown in the way he made me feel until there was nothing left
of me to wring out.

He didn't ask if I was sure, if I understood what was to happen. He trusted that I knew my own mind, my own body, and that made him even more irresistible
to me. That he assumed I had agency over my own decisions, not doubting that I knew what was best for myself, turned up the flame under my skin, so that
when he laid me down on the mattress I immediately reached back up and drew him into the first kiss ever initiated by me.