Out of Heaven's Grasp (28 page)

If Jesse wanted me to run away with him, then I was an idiot to say no.

I pressed down on the gas pedal, and my jeep roared back to the place where I’d left.

But Jesse’s truck was gone.

Of course it was.

Last time, when I’d told him to leave me, he’d gone, hadn’t he? He hadn’t kept trying.

I started crying anyway.

I cried and cried, my entire body shaking in the front seat of the jeep.

I realized that it was because this was the first time I’d felt hope in months, and now it was gone again.

Eventually, I was so exhausted that when I climbed into the back seat, I was asleep before I even got all my blankets wrapped around me.

Late in the night, I woke up, because it was so cold. I looked outside to see that there was snow blowing around in the night air.

I grabbed more covers, but it was still too cold.

I turned on the jeep to run the heat for a bit, and then it was warm enough to go to sleep.

But I woke up two more times that night and had to repeat the process.

It was getting too cold to sleep in my car, and I didn’t know what I was going to do.

* * *

It was Thursday evening, and the men were all away at the prayer meeting. There was a knock at the front door, but I didn’t bother to answer it. There were enough other people in this house to do that, after all. When I was home, I tended to spend any minute when I wasn’t busy hiding in my room away from everyone else. Lately, I’d been feeling really depressed over the fact that I’d turned Jesse down.

I wished I hadn’t run from him. Now I really wouldn’t ever see him again, and it was even more depressing than it had been the first time he’d left.

“Abigail!” sang Holly’s voice. “Someone’s here to see you.”

For half a second, I wondered if it was Jesse. But then I had to squelch that thought. There was no reason that Jesse would be here. Besides, no one would let him into the house.

I went out into the hallway.

Susannah was standing inside. She looked terrified.

I ran to her. “Susannah.”

She hugged me.

I hugged her back. “What’s wrong?”

She was shaking all over. “Not in front of everyone,” she whispered in my ear.

There wasn’t anyone in the hallway except for Holly, but I could tell that Susannah was worried, so I pulled her into my bedroom and closed the door.

Susannah began to pace the floor. “Oh, Abby, I’m so worried.”

“About what? What’s going on?”

“It’s Isabel.”

“Your sister? Did Nicholas Wallace do something to her?” She and Jesse’s father had been married over a month ago.

“I don’t know,” she said. “She disappeared, Abby. She’s gone. And when I asked Gideon about it, he said that I should forget that I ever knew her.”

I ran to Susannah, throwing my arms around her. “You think she was cast out?” It was very strange for a girl to be cast out, though. Generally, rebellious girls were just married off. Marriage was supposed to tame a girl. I wasn’t sure how well it had worked on me.

She pulled away. Her voice was agonized. “I’m worried she was… sacrificed. Like Becky Morris. It’s all Gideon talks about these days.”

I felt ill. When Jesse found me in the desert, I was certain that someone had followed me to sacrifice me, and I knew her fear. It wasn’t unfounded. All I could do was hug her again.

She buried her face in my shoulder and started to cry.

“He would tell you, wouldn’t he?”

“I don’t know anything about what he would do,” she sobbed. “He scares me, Abby. He’s not like other people. Martha says it’s because he’s so holy, but sometimes he doesn’t seem very holy to me.”

I held her as hard as I could, thinking frantically of my own sisters. None of them had been given in marriage yet, miraculously, even though my sister Jennifer was already fifteen. I worried that I’d hear the news any day now, and I didn’t know what I was going to do if that happened. Now I had a worse worry. I thought of the teenagers I’d seen out in the desert. If Gideon discovered them, would he sacrifice them? They’d been drinking beer, after all. What if Jennifer was out there with them?

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Abby

The next night that I was scheduled to spend with Bob, I left in my jeep again. I’d spent most of the day scrambling to find gas. Bob kept gasoline, like most men in the community. He bought large quantities of it when he went to Melville or Lebenet and stored it in his shed. However, about a month ago, he’d decided to try to stop me from leaving in my jeep by locking up his shed and only giving the key to people who asked. Of course, he wouldn’t give the key to me. Undeterred, I’d found other sources of gasoline. There was some stored behind the meeting hall, for instance, and I’d been taking that. But it had been running low, and there was very little left. I wanted to make sure that I had enough gas to run the heat as much as I needed to. I obviously couldn’t run it all night, but I wanted to be able to stay as warm as possible. I went to see my brother Thomas instead, and he gave me several cans of gas to keep in the back of my jeep just in case.

Thomas had been assigned another wife recently. Gideon was marrying up all the younger girls. Thomas’s new wife was about sixteen, and when I went in to say hi to Carla, I could sense that there was tension in the house. I tried to ask Thomas about it, but he wouldn’t say anything. He assured me that everything was fine. Indicating otherwise, of course, might imply that he was under the thrall of a demon, I supposed. Now that Gideon had threatened to kill people who didn’t follow the rules, everyone was terrified.

Likewise, when Thomas asked me why I wasn’t getting gas from my husband, I made up a vague excuse. I didn’t want him to know what I was up to, both for my sake and for his own. I didn’t want to get Thomas in trouble.

Before I left, though, he pulled me aside so that no one else could hear us. “Look, Abby, I know that… I worry sometimes that I led you astray.” He swallowed. “I know now that the things we did when we were in Lebenet—buying the food and sending you off without a chaperone—they were wrong, and I should never have—”

“No, Thomas, it’s not your fault.”

“But we were meant to be examples for you, and we failed you. Carla and I failed you.”

I shook my head. “You didn’t.”

He gave me a hug. “I’m so sorry. I really hope you find some happiness.”

Was it so obvious that I was unhappy?

Once it was dark, I drove off into the desert again. I ran the car for a while, keeping the heat on and listening to the radio. As I was debating when I should turn it off and try to wrap myself in blankets, I saw headlights approaching.

I put on my own headlights to try to determine who it was.

Almost immediately, I recognized Jesse’s truck.

Jesse! He hadn’t left after all. He was still here. He hadn’t given up on me. I was overcome.

I scrambled out of the jeep and ran for his truck.

When he got out of the driver’s side, I threw my arms around him. I had never been so happy to see someone in my entire life.

He was startled by my greeting, but he only laughed in surprise and wrapped his own arms around me.

For a moment, it only felt safe and warm and good to be held by him.

But then he moved his hands just a little bit, skimming them over my back, grazing my waist, and…

My body reacted. I remembered this feeling from the time he’d touched me before. Then it had been pleasant, but forbidden and wicked. Now, it was only terrifying.

I wriggled out of his grasp and took several steps away.

“No, wait, Abby,” he said, coming after me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

I kept backing up. “You don’t have to be sorry. It’s just that it would be better… I shouldn’t have touched you.”

“No, please,” he said. “I promise that if I do anything that makes you uncomfortable, I’ll stop. Just don’t run away from me again.”

I stopped moving. “I won’t run away.”

He stopped too. “Really?”

I nodded.

He smiled.

I felt like crying. “I thought you went away. I thought I chased you away again.”

“No,” he said. “No, I’m not going anywhere. Not unless I have you with me.”

Then I smiled too. “I want to. I want to go with you.”

His eyes widened. “You do?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s great. Really?”

“Uh huh.”

“Now?”

I thought about climbing into his truck and driving out of the community, never to return. Going away from everything I’d ever known, from Susannah and my parents and my sisters and Thomas and Carla. I swallowed. “Well… soon, anyway. But I don’t think I can go right now.”

“That’s okay,” he said. “That’s fine. You can take all the time you need.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He started for me, then stopped. “I really want to hug you again, but I guess that would be a bad idea.”

My face fell. “Sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” His voice lowered. “Abby, what’s Bob doing to you?”

I looked away. I couldn’t talk about any of that.

“I know he’s doing something, so don’t pretend—”

“I don’t want to talk about that,” I said. I shivered. It was cold out here.

Jesse noticed. “You’re cold. Could we go somewhere else to talk instead of standing out here? There’s a diner in Melville. It’s open all night. Can I take you there?”

I looked at his truck, and then I looked back at my jeep. “I’ll follow you.” I didn’t want to leave my car for some reason. Having it just seemed safer.

“Okay.” He grinned. “Jesus, Abby, I’m so glad to see you again.”

We didn’t take the Lord’s name in vain like that in the community. It was even worse than saying swear words. Hearing him do it reminded me of how different he was now. But he was still Jesse, and he still had the same blue eyes. And now, when he smiled, I could see his dimples better since he didn’t have a beard.

I smiled too, hesitant. “I’m glad to see you too.”

* * *

Jesse

She was on her second Coke, and she was still munching on the chili cheese fries she’d ordered, which she’d declared the best thing that she’d ever tasted.

I couldn’t stop staring at her. Every time she smiled, it seemed like a victory. She was skittish, like the horses on the ranch during a thunder storm. I could see the fear all over her. When I’d left her, she hadn’t been this way.

Or had she? Maybe we were all this way in the community. Maybe back then, I hadn’t noticed because I thought it was normal.

She was talking though, explaining all the things that had happened since I’d left. Gideon was in complete control of the community. He was marrying off young girls, increasing the number of wives for some men—one of the elders even had
five
, she said. He’d taken away the musical instruments. But when she told me about the doctrine of sacrifice that Gideon had introduced, I was completely floored.

“He can’t do that,” I said. “He can’t murder people.”

“He might already be doing it,” she said. “Susannah’s sister Isabel disappeared. Susannah doesn’t know if she was cast out or… She was married to your dad and—”

“Wait,” I said. “My father got another wife? Even after what I did?”

“Everybody got another wife, Jesse. Gideon’s been marrying people like crazy. That’s why he has to use the younger girls. There’s no one else left.”

I was astonished. I’d been so sure that I’d ruined my father. I’d felt guilty about that, for fuck’s sake. Now, it turned out that everything went just fine for him. He got a young wife and everything. I resolved never again to feel sorry for that man. He’d beaten me up for no reason, and I’d taken it. I didn’t owe him anything else.

I took a drink of my own Coke. “If you think that Gideon murdered Isabel, then we need to go to the police.”

She made a horrified face. “I can’t do that. If I cause trouble, he’ll be after me next.”

“So, then, you leave,” I said. “You come with me, and he can’t do anything.”

“No,” she said. “What if he hurts my sisters? I have little sisters. I don’t know if he’s going to marry them off to someone at any minute or if he’s going to hurt them or… I can’t go to the police. And I can’t leave yet. I have to be there. To help them.”

“How will you help them?” I felt for her. I did. I had little sisters too, after all. “Can you stop Gideon from marrying them to someone?”

“Maybe.”

“How?”

She bit her lip. “I don’t know. Maybe if I talked to him, or if I talked to the men who were going to marry them.”

“Abby, you know as well as I that’s not going to do any good. The fact of the matter is that staying is not going to help them. You need to get yourself out and get your head straight, and then maybe—”

“Is that what you’ve been doing? Getting your head straight?”