Out of Heaven's Grasp (32 page)

“Well, you should be more mindful about such things,” he said. “It may seem like a small thing, but remember that God is always watching.”

I nodded.

Gideon leaned up against my jeep, clearly not intending to go anywhere. “How are things going with you and Bob? It’s been a while since we spoke.”

“Fine,” I said quickly. I didn’t want to talk about this at all.

“Did you ask his permission before you went out to the grocery store?”

“Well, he was asleep, and I didn’t want to disturb him. I was only gone for a short time.”

Gideon raised his eyebrows. “So, you left your house without your husband’s knowledge.”

“Just to go to the grocery store.”

“It might seem like a small thing, but it does make me wonder. Bob said you were very rebellious. I wonder if I should bring him in again to talk about your progress.”

“No,” I said. “Things are fine, really. I’ll never leave without asking him again, I promise. I really wasn’t thinking this through. It was early, and I had just woken up. I guess I wasn’t really all there yet.”

“No,” said Gideon, “it doesn’t seem as if you were.”

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Abby

Just woke up to find out that you’re already gone
, read the text from Jesse.
I miss you.

I kept my phone inside my dress, between my breasts. It was the best place to hide it, and I had to admit that I got a little bit of a thrill knowing that my one connection to Jesse was in such an intimate place. I always kept the phone on silent, not even on vibrate, because the vibration was too noisy. It meant that I didn’t get a notification when he texted, but I checked it throughout the day.

Right then, I’d just gotten back to the house and was in the bathroom getting ready for my shower.

I miss you too,
I texted back. Should I tell him about Gideon and what had happened that morning?

I want to wake up next to you. I love you.

That made me feel all melty and weak inside.
I love you too,
I texted back. I wasn’t going to tell him. It would only worry him. Besides, I was going to leave soon. I really was.

At breakfast, I found out that I’d been wrong. It wasn’t my day to make lunch after all, which made my story look really stupid.

“In the future,” said Fern, “maybe it would be better if you checked with me before going all the way out to the grocery store.”

“You’re right,” I said.

“I don’t understand how you checked the pantry and saw there were no cans of chickpeas but didn’t see the meal schedule right on the door,” said Sally.

“Um, I guess I just didn’t look at it,” I said.

The three wives all scrutinized me.

I cringed under their gazes. This wasn’t good.

“Really, Abby, I can’t believe you haven’t gotten pregnant again,” said May. “Is everything okay between you and Bob?”

I stared down at the kitchen table. “It’s fine,” I said. “Really, everything’s fine.”

After breakfast, I decided that this was all too dangerous. I couldn’t stay here any longer. I’d have to leave tonight. I took an hour or two to pack up my clothes. When I snuck out that evening, I’d take them along with me, and then I’d stay with Jesse. I couldn’t come back here. There was no point in dragging my feet, anyway.

I went to visit my family in the afternoon, to say goodbye to my mother and my younger brothers and sisters. I couldn’t really tell them goodbye, of course. They couldn’t know that I was leaving. But I made sure to hug all of them, and to tell everyone that I loved them.

But when I got back to my house, Susannah was waiting for me in my bedroom. She looked terrified, and she stayed back away from the door.

“Gideon doesn’t know I’m here,” she said. “No one does. The door was open, so I just snuck into your room.”

“What’s going on, Susannah?”

“It’s my sister,” she said. “I know where she is.”

“She’s okay?”

“Well, she’s in Wyoming,” said Susannah. “She sent word back to me that she ran there to the other community.”

“Wyoming?” I was confused. Sometimes, rebellious members were sent to another community to shape up, but it was always young, single people, and Susannah’s sister was married.

Susannah nodded. “She left, Abby. She left us, and she ran there instead, and the leaders in Wyoming said she doesn’t have to come back. They said she’s too young to get married, and so she’s going to stay there.”

“Oh.” I gave her a hug. “Well, at least we know she’s okay.”

Susannah didn’t seem to want to be hugged. She wriggled out of my grasp and wandered over to the closet. “It’s just… she’s gone now. Really gone. And I’m married to Gideon, and he’s furious with her. He’s never going to let me see her again. He said she’s under a demon’s thrall, and that I should forget she was ever born. But she’s my sister, and I don’t know if I can do that.” She flung open the door of my closet in frustration.

She drew back, knitting her brows together.

Oh, no. She’d seen that I’d packed up all my clothes. I stood up. “Susannah—”

“Are you going somewhere, Abby?”

I licked my lips. “It’s… it’s Jesse. He came back for me.”

Her eyes widened. “Abby, you’re committing adultery, aren’t you?”

I twisted my hands around my skirt. “Please don’t say anything. I was going to leave with him tonight and never come back. If you can just keep quiet for a few hours—”

“You’re leaving me
too
?” Susannah shook her head furiously. “No, you can’t. If you’re gone, I’m not going to be able to make it.”

“I…” I didn’t know what to say to her.

She bit down on her lip. “If you leave too, then what am I going to do? Don’t leave me, please, Abby. Please.”

“You could come with us.” I hadn’t asked Jesse about this, but certainly we could take Susannah.

“No.” She gave me an incredulous look. “I can’t leave the community.”

“I can’t stay.”

She squeezed her eyes shut. “I can’t take it if you go.”

I hesitated.

“Please, Abby, you’re my
best friend
.”

* * *

“I don’t see what you’re going to do to help her by being there,” said Jesse.

I was pacing in the living room of his apartment. “Well, I know that, but she begged me. She’s my best friend, and I feel like I’m abandoning her.”

Jesse was sitting on the couch. He leaned his head back, sighing. “Yeah, I know that feeling. I still feel like I abandoned you. But we can’t save everybody. We just don’t have the resources. And I can’t stay here forever. I have money saved up, but it’ll run out eventually.”

“I know,” I said. “We’ll leave, and it has to be soon, because I think that Gideon suspects something.”

“What?” he said.

I told him about being stopped by Gideon and about having the chickpeas from the grocery store, and my gut feeling that Gideon suspected me of something.

Jesse got off the couch. “That’s it. You can’t stay there any longer. If anything else happens to you, I’m never going to be able to forgive myself. If they find out about us, Abby, it’s going to make it so much harder to get you out.”

“I can’t leave tonight,” I said. “I promised Susannah.”

“Why can’t we just take her with us?”

“I asked her. She said no.” I fidgeted. “Maybe if I waited some time to see if she changes her mind.”

“We don’t have that much time.” He came over to me. “I get worried sometimes. This is such a huge thing I’m asking you. I remember what it was like when I left everything I’d ever known behind. But I didn’t have a choice. If I had, I don’t know if I ever would have decided to leave, no matter how bad things were. I keep worrying that one day, I’m never going to hear from you again. You’ll decide that you need to repent, and you won’t come with me at all.”

“No, Jesse.” I pressed close. “I’m coming with you, I swear.” I tugged his head down to kiss him.

He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight against him. Our kiss deepened.

I slowly broke away from his lips, peering up at him. “I’ll prove it to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ll do something so you’ll know that I can’t back down. If you and I are together—really together—then I can’t ever go back to Bob. Once I’ve committed adultery, then I’ll no longer be wanted as his wife. So… let’s do it. Let’s have sex.”

He shook his head. “No, Abby, I don’t want it to be like that. I don’t want you to feel like you have to prove anything to me, and I definitely don’t want us to make love for that reason.”

I kissed him again. “But I want to do it anyway. I think if I do, it will make it all the more real to me. It’ll be taking a big step.”

He rested his forehead against mine, his voice soft. “Just last night, you were telling me you never wanted to do it at all.”

“But I didn’t really mean it.” I remembered being annoyed with him last night, and wanting to hide from him the fact that I’d been considering being with him. “Besides, you were with that worldly girl, and I can’t handle the idea that you have something more serious with her than you do with me.”

“That is the worst reason to do it yet.” He pressed his lips against the tip of my nose. “I am in love with you, Abby London. There is nothing more serious than that.”

“I’m not Abby London,” I said. “Not anymore. I’m Abby Carroll. Some part of me belongs to Bob, and I don’t want it to anymore. I want it to belong to you.”

“I think you need to belong to yourself,” he murmured. He kissed me again, and then he released me. He went back over to the couch. “So, how long do think you have to stay there for Susannah, anyway? Are we talking days? Weeks?”

He wasn’t looking at me, and I took the opportunity to pull my blouse out of where it was tucked into my skirt. I started to unbutton it. “If I belong to myself, then I should get to decide this, right?”

He turned back to me. “What are you—”

I pulled my blouse over my shoulders, and he stopped talking. He just gazed at me.

I fumbled behind my back to unclasp my bra.

“Abby…” His voice cracked. “You don’t have to do this.”

“I want to.” I wriggled out of my bra and took a deep breath. It felt a little strange having the cold air against my bare skin, but I knew that I wanted to do this. I’d planned to run away with Jesse tonight, and I couldn’t do that. So, I wanted to do something that made a final statement, that severed me from the community forever. And… I was pretty sure I could handle it.

He stared at me, letting out an audible breath.

I crossed the room to him. I put my hand on his face, caressing his cheek. And then I kissed him.

He kissed me back, but he didn’t touch me. He even kept his body back away from mine. When he pulled away, he searched my eyes. “Are you sure about this?” he whispered.

I nodded.

“If you feel unsure at any point, you tell me,” he said. “If you want it to stop, then we’ll stop. You understand?”

“Okay,” I said.

And I felt the warmth of his hand on my flesh. He ran his hand over my rib cage.

I closed my eyes, sighing at the sensation.

“You’re beautiful,” he breathed, and his hand closed over my breast.

I gasped. He’d never touched me there before, especially not with my skin bare, and I hadn’t expected it to feel so nice.

His mouth found mine, and his other hand was on my other breast, and suddenly I was assailed by pleasure. He teased my nipples with his fingers, working them into stiff points, and everything he did was wonderful. Moans started bursting out of me, unbidden—noises that I’d never made before. I couldn’t seem to stop moaning.

“So…” Jesse cocked an eyebrow. “You like that?”

“Shut up,” I gasped. “I’ll stop making noise.”

“You better not.” He tugged me down on the couch, and his mouth was on my nipples, sucking on me, and wrenching even more pleasure from me.

I threw my head back, feeling almost assaulted by the sweetness. I’d hardly imagined that it was possible for anything to feel so good. And the feeling didn’t seem to be confined to my nipples, either. Every time he touched me, I felt as if there were strings connected to the the crease between my legs, and they twitched and tugged at me there. Heat pooled, goodness gathered. I wanted Jesse to touch me there.

Almost as if he could read my mind, one of his hands worked its way down my torso. He was slightly out of breath as he kissed me quickly. “Remember, if you want it to stop anytime, you just say it.”

I groaned. “I don’t want you to stop.”

His fingers were under my skirt, easing between my thighs.

I sighed, opening my legs for him, letting him have better access.

He shut his eyes, as if he was concentrating or searching or something, and his fingertips glided over my sensitive flesh.

And then his fingers danced over something down there, something wondrous. I sucked in breath sharply.