Out of Turn (20 page)

The expression on Blane’s face was one of utter surprise. Perhaps he didn’t expect that I’d meant it, or that I even wanted to be there. But where I came from, you put aside the hurts and history when tragedy struck.

Without even looking at him, Blane handed his glass to Kade, who took it without question, then Blane was folding me into his arms.

He pulled me so close and so tight, I felt my trepidation ease away like sloughing off an old, heavy coat.

I heard the door behind me close softly, and knew that Kade had left us alone.

C
HAPTER
E
IGHT

I
didn’t know what else to do or say. What do you say in times like this? I remembered when my dad and mom had died. Multitudes of people had shaken my hand, told me how sorry they were, and I’d tried to be strong—first for my mom, then for myself. I had seen the pity in their eyes, but I’d made it through the funerals, waiting until I was alone to fall apart.

Chance had been with me then and I was reminded of that now. He was the only family I had left. It had felt so good to have someone to lean on, someone who I knew wouldn’t pity me, but just loved me and would let me be vulnerable to my sorrow. Blane needed that kind of someone right now, and maybe he could allow himself to do the same with me.

We stood like that for a long time, in silence, wrapped in each other’s arms. I closed my eyes and breathed in Blane’s scent. I didn’t allow myself to think of anything. I just savored this moment and being in his arms, a place I’d thought I’d never be again. Only when his grip finally loosened did I let go, too. My mom had always said to never be the first one to stop hugging.

Blane took my hand and tucked my arm under his, drawing me over to the sofa. We sat, him so close his thigh
pressed against mine. He cradled my hand in his, intently studying my palm. But I had the feeling he was really gazing inward, which was confirmed when he began talking.

“They called me this morning,” he said. “I have a few friends on the force. One of them was there and knew of our… relationship.”

I pressed my lips firmly together to keep from asking if that was a past or present-tense form of “relationship.” That was none of my business. Not anymore.

“When I got there, her body was still where they’d found it—” His voice cracked and he broke off. He cradled my hand now in both of his, hunching over to rest his elbows on his knees. After a moment, he seemed to regain control. “She wasn’t always the way you knew her,” Blane said. “She used to be sweet. Selfish and spoiled, yes, but not bitter. That came later. And I keep thinking that it’s my fault. She was unhappy because I let her down.”

His words tore at me. The blame game? Yes, I was familiar with that one. “Blane, no,” I said. “You weren’t responsible for Kandi’s happiness. She was. She made her own decisions. And I know she thought you and her were supposed to be together, but it’s not your fault that it didn’t work out that way.” I gave a small shrug. “People grow. People change. And what may have made sense when you were fifteen isn’t the same when you’re older and life has changed both of you.”

Blane looked at me, his eyes wet and filled with pain and grief. My own eyes stung in sympathy.

“I haven’t told you the worst part,” he said, his voice thick. “When they called, told me my ex had been found murdered—at first I thought it was you.” He swallowed, then
seemed to have to force the next words out. “And when they told me it was Kandi, I was… relieved.”

It seemed like he couldn’t look me in the eye any longer and bowed his head again, bringing my hand to his forehead as though in prayer. I felt the wet streaks on his face against my skin.

My vision blurred with tears at Blane’s confession, a confession of something he deemed reprehensible but was really just… human. But rarely did Blane get to be just human. Too many people counted on him and too much was expected of him by others as well as himself. Now he was punishing himself for feeling an emotion—relief—something he had no control over.

“Blane, please,” I said, “don’t do this to yourself. You can’t control what you feel. It doesn’t mean you loved Kandi any less. Please don’t punish yourself.” I wrapped my free arm around him the best I could, leaning into him as though I could convince him by my sheer physical presence.

He looked up at me, his eyes red and swollen, and my heart nearly broke. I swiped gently at his wet cheeks and leaned forward, pressing my lips to his forehead and pulling his head to rest on my shoulder. He wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned on me. It was the first time that Blane had ever shown that he needed me in this way or that he was anything less than in complete control.

After a few minutes, Blane lifted his head. I gave him a small smile. His hair was in disarray and I couldn’t resist the temptation to push my fingers lightly through it, rearranging the blond locks into their usual place as if I could rearrange his emotions.

Blane lifted a hand to my cheek and I stilled. He was so close and now the air between us changed, making me acutely aware of him. The rustle of his clothes when he moved, the way his eyes stared intently into mine, the saline making their usually gray depths a clear, brilliant green.

His head lowered and I knew what was coming, but I didn’t move away. I couldn’t. And in another moment, he was kissing me, his lips moving gently over mine in the lightest of caresses.

Tears clogged my throat and I held in a sob. Kissing him again, being in his arms, just being near him, was so bittersweet it made my chest hurt. The familiar feel and taste of him was like finally being given a sweet after being denied for a long, long while.

When he lifted his head, I was flustered, unsure what had just happened, why he’d done that, what it meant… A thousand questions ran through my mind and I couldn’t meet his eyes. Nervously, I pushed my hair behind my ear.

Blane’s hold on me suddenly tightened and I glanced up at him. He was frowning, and as he looked at me, his expression changed to disbelief. I was about to ask what was wrong when he took my chin in his hand and turned my face toward the light. He sucked in a sharp breath. That’s when I remembered the bruises.

Shit.

“What happened?” he asked, his voice rife with fury.

I tried to turn away, but his grip tightened on my face, preventing me.

“Did Kade do this to you?”

“You’re. Hurting. Me,” I gritted out. Blane immediately released me. “No,” I said. “Of course Kade didn’t do this.
How could you think that? It just… happened. How does any of the crap that happens to me happen? It just… does.”

“It’s precisely for that reason that you shouldn’t be around either of us,” Blane said.

“That’s your opinion,” I retorted.

“It’s a fact,” he shot back.

I bit back what I was going to say, the stark paleness of Blane’s face reminding me that this wasn’t about me, not really. He was bound to overreact, given what had happened to Kandi and the guilt he felt.

“When did you last eat?” I asked.

Blane just looked at me, no doubt knowing full well that I was changing the subject.

“Weren’t you just chewing my ass out a few days ago for not eating?” I asked. “Come on. I’m hungry and I’m sure Mona has something in the kitchen.” I got to my feet and tugged on his arm.

“I’m not hungry,” Blane said, resisting my attempts to pry him off the couch.

“If you don’t eat, I don’t eat.”

Blane glowered at me, but I stood my ground. Finally, the corners of his mouth tipped up slightly.

“God, I’ve missed you,” he murmured.

I couldn’t go there, not if I wanted to maintain my composure. Yet I found myself saying quietly, “Yeah, me, too.” I glanced away, my cheeks burning with the admission. I released his arm, but Blane stood and caught my hand in his.

We went to the kitchen, and I could hear Mona’s and Kade’s voices as we approached. The moment we stepped into the room, Kade’s eyes zeroed in on Blane’s and my
joined hands. I tried to ease mine from Blane’s without making a big deal of it, but he kept a firm hold.

We sat at the small table, me between Blane and Kade, who sat opposite each other. I managed to free my hand from Blane’s when Mona set a plate in front of me.

“I made sandwiches,” she said. “But I can make something more substantial if you want.”

“Sandwiches are great,” I said quickly, my smile forced. Most of my attention was directed to how Kade and Blane were eyeing each other.

“Mona,” I called as she was about to leave the room, “won’t you sit and visit for a few minutes? I haven’t seen you in a while.”

Mona beamed at me and sat down at the table. “Gerard took your car to get it filled up,” she told Kade.

“That’s nice of him,” I said. I wished I had a Gerard.

“He likes to do stuff for the boys,” Mona said with a wave of her hand and an indulgent smile.

I took a bite of my sandwich to hide my own smile. It was just so funny to hear her refer to Blane and Kade, two dangerous men, as “boys.”

“So what have you been up to, Kathleen?” Mona asked.

I swallowed and took a drink of the water she’d set in front of me, noticing that both Kade and Blane were now looking at me and waiting for my answer. “I decided to go back to school,” I said.

“That’s wonderful!” Mona said. “What are you studying, dear?”

I took a deep breath before answering. “Criminal justice.”

“Why?” Blane asked.

I looked at him, surprised. “Why what?”

“Why would you pick criminal justice?” he clarified. “I thought you didn’t want to become a lawyer anymore.”

“A scum-sucking, bottom-feeding lawyer isn’t the only career you can pick with a criminal justice degree,” Kade interrupted. My eyes widened at his deliberate insult and Blane stiffened. “She can go into law enforcement, private investigation, the FBI—any number of fields.”

“You mean, so she can know exactly how to evade and bend, if not outright break, the law? Just like you, right, Kade?”

“Looks like she won’t have much choice, seeing as how you threw her out of your life and, just to add insult to injury, took her main source of income with you,” Kade shot back.

“What, you didn’t swoop in and save the day?” Blane sneered, leaning slightly over the table. “Didn’t buy her another expensive car or leave twenty grand on her table again?”

Okay, news flash—I didn’t realize Blane knew about that.

Kade leaned forward, too. “At least I did something about it,” he said, his voice rife with anger and contempt. “Unless she dances to your tune and obeys your every whim, you could give a shit what becomes of her.”

“Listen, you sonofabitch—” Blane began.

“Boys!”

Mona’s sharp interjection cut through what Blane had been about to say, making me start in my seat at the tone of her voice. Both Blane and Kade shut up, but their eyes were glued to each other’s and their body language screamed that they were a hair trigger from coming to blows.

Again.

Because of me.

“First of all,” Mona said, her voice quieter but still edged with steel, “language. You know I won’t tolerate language of that sort in this house.”

Kade broke the staring contest with Blane first, glancing guiltily at Mona. Blane sat back in his chair and stared glumly down at the table.

“Second,” Mona continued, “may I remind you that a dear friend of this family has died. I don’t think I need to point out that your behavior is disrespectful to her memory. And last, I was having a pleasant conversation with Kathleen, which you rudely interrupted, and now your bickering has upset her.” She gestured toward me.

The distress I felt at their fighting must have shown on my face, because Blane and Kade both looked at me, their expressions changing to an identical one of chagrin.

I cleared my throat and scooted back my chair from the table. “Um, I think it’s best if I leave. Mona, can Gerard give me a lift home?”

“Of course, dear,” she said a little sadly.

I stood but was stopped by Blane’s hand on my arm.

“Please don’t leave,” he said.

I looked at him, surprised.

“We won’t fight—I swear it,” he continued. “Just… stay. Please.”

It was a bad idea, I could feel it in my bones. But his eyes were pleading with me, saying things his mouth couldn’t, and in the end I couldn’t tell him no. Then again, when had I ever been able to tell Blane no?

“You promise not to fight?” I asked, looking to Kade as well. “Both of you?”

“Oh, am I invited to the sleepover, too?” Kade said, his tone laden with sarcasm and his eyes on Blane.

“Kade,” Mona admonished.

“Of course,” Blane said. He had his lawyer face back on and I couldn’t read anything from his tone or expression.

“Blane,” Mona said, “I would think, given his training, that Kade would be a big help to you in finding out who did those awful things to Kandi.”

“We can talk about that later,” Blane hedged.

“I’ll just call it a night then,” I said. “It’s been a long day.” I was desperate to get away, my nerves shot from too much happening too fast.

“I’ll walk you up,” Blane said.

I caught Kade’s eye but didn’t know what to say or do, if anything. His gaze was cold and nothing at all like the way he’d looked at me last night.

A flicker of the memories I’d been avoiding all day flashed through my mind and I felt my cheeks burn. Kade’s brows drew together and he frowned before I hastily turned away. I felt Blane’s hand settle on the small of my back as we walked toward the stairs.

“I know the way,” I said quietly as we started upstairs. “You don’t have to come with me.”

“I know” was all he said.

It was silent between us the rest of the way to “my” room, but not uncomfortable. When we paused at the doorway, I turned to face Blane, suddenly reminded of the first time I’d stood outside this door with him looming over me.

He stood close, close enough for me to breathe in the scent of his cologne. Close enough that if I made the slightest move toward him, I knew he’d have his arms around me in the blink of an eye. I stayed very still, though the temptation to inch closer was strong. I remembered the kiss from earlier. I was confused and uncertain. What did he want from me? Hadn’t I already given him everything? In spite of that, I was worried about him. Would I ever learn self-preservation when it came to Blane?