Outing of the Heart (64 page)
Read Outing of the Heart Online
Authors: Lisa Ann Harper
âI know you were trying to hide it, but we could see. I know you too well,
mi amigo
.' Reine gave her an affectionate squeeze. âSeriously though. Anything, anything at all. Thea and I will be only too happy to be of service,' she finished up, rather formally.
âThank you for that, Reine. I really do appreciate it.' They stopped at the Tercel and she fished for her keys.
âI'll be in touch,' she promised, as she turned over the motor.
âDrive home safe. Don't lose your concentration,' Reine advised and with that she headed for the bright lights, musing how unexpectedly her evening had turned out.
That Freyer was too much. How could Narelle sit by and watch it all? She was really nice, in her quiet way. She had seemed a very sincere person.
“Tenille would have had a good time,”
she surmised. She liked people â enjoyed their differences. She, on the other hand, tended to be locked within herself; saw people only as they impacted on her, personally. She supposed she wasn't really interested in them for their own sake. Not like Tenille. She could never have gone in for nursing. But then, that was probably one of the reasons she got on so well with animals, her communication with them was so open. Besieging facades or storming defences was not her forte. With animals she didn't have to. They came to her, even the ones who played up, still weren't trying to dissemble.
âOh, Ten darling,' she whispered into the night: âPlease don't let anything happen to you. I couldn't bear it if I were to lose you now.' She gripped the steering wheel hard, as if by hanging on she could make sure those around Tenille would do their jobs responsibly, with all their might, in total dedication to perfection. Tears squeezed from the corners of her eyes and hung, glistening on the tips of her lashes, as the searing image of a lifeless Tenille on the operating table passed before her. “
Only under anaesthesia,”
she thought, “
not in death.”
“Get a grip on yourself, girl,”
she chastised
. “You still turn to spineless jelly when it comes to Tenille. What's the matter with you? She wouldn't be impressed with your performance, if she could see you now. You've got to be brave for her. Don't go falling apart.”
The words of the song on her radio intruded into her mind. CONSTANT CRAVING. She reached forward and turned it up. She had always liked k.d. and with each new release, she was appreciating her more.
“What a voice she has,”
she admired “ â¦
and this one speaks to me all right. For sure, I know what she's going through.”
The song had soothed her troubled mind and she turned into the residents' parking lot just as it came to an end. She was glad now she was in a job that allowed her to finish at noon. Tomorrow she would call the desk, then get down to the hospital right away.
Getting ready for bed, a plan began to form. After this ordeal, she would try to figure out some way she and Tenille could live together. There had to be a way. There just had to be. Reine's remarks had triggered something. Surely, between them they could work things out? She'd not always be at the track. Once Tenille was over the worst and on her way to recovery, she would broach the subject.
“Two heads are better than one,”
she mused. Tenille was so special ⦠and tomorrow she'd be under the surgeon's knife. She shuddered. The thought didn't bear thinking.
In the morning Sidonie was aware of the ironies of life. When organizing herself for work she observed that the dawn was spectacular, the colors of the morning sky shimmering softly with the promise of the day's heat to come. A perfect day, weatherwise, but for her a day filled with anxiety and worry. Fortunately, she would have her thoughts distracted by other responsibilities. Although she was, strictly speaking, a hot walker, because she would be continuing her studies at Guelph in the fall, Michael the stable manager, was giving her small grooming jobs, from time to time. She'd been shown how to clean out hooves; how to pack them at any sign of fungal growth. She loved this extra contact with her charges and would have liked to work as a groom. But she didn't like the racing side of things. Once involved with that, your horse was your responsibility, it being frowned upon to ask someone else to look after it. Not so bad in summer, racing was right there at Rexdale, but wintertime ⦠sometimes on those nights the return home wouldn't be until well after midnight. That wasn't for her, just so people, (who probably couldn't afford it), could place bets in the evenings when they were free. She loved caring for animals, not using them.
She had hoped to get finished a little earlier today, but it was not to be ⦠in fact, everything conspired to take longer than usual. Perhaps it was because she was more nervy. She couldn't get to a phone until well after two o'clock, and then it seemed she had to wait forever for someone to come on the line. Tenille was in recovery. It appeared everything had gone smoothly. She wasn't too keen on âit appeared' and asked for clarification.
âWell, there's nothing on the sheet,' the nurse explained, âso that usually means there was nothing special to report.'
âWhen will it be possible to see her,' was her anxious enquiry.
âI suggest you call again later this afternoon. She'll probably be returned to the ward by then and you can speak to the duty nurse.' She gave a more direct number to call, so with her thanks, Sidonie hung up. She dialled Reine's number. There was no real news to pass on, but she wanted to let them know.
âDo you want to come over to us?' Thea offered. âWe're just puttering about in our usual Saturday way,' she explained.
âNo thanks, Thea. I've got a million things to do here, but if you're home tonight, I might drop by,' she suggested. She reckoned she should get some supplies in. There could be a lot of rushing about in the next few days.
âSure thing,' Thea affirmed, âwhenever suits you.'
After a stint of battling the crowds at Rexdale Shopping Mall, she returned home laden with laundry needs and food in packets for meals on the run. She didn't see how she could keep training for the Amazon contest, but it could provide the release she might need, while Tenille was laid up. It was hard to know what to do for the best.
With the next call she didn't have much greater success. The nursing shifts were on the change so they were at report and she only got reception. However, she was told Tenille was resting comfortably, having just returned to the ward.
âCan I come and see her?'
âThere shouldn't be any problem with that. Are you a relative?'
She thought of giving it a try in case it was ârelatives only' at this stage, but if there had been no complications friends should be okay. âNo, a friend.'
âYou may just not be allowed to stay very long, that's all,' the ward secretary explained. âI suggest you call again in about an hour, when the nurses are back from report.'
She hung up. Patience, never a strong suit in her character profile was wearing thin. Too agitated to wait, she decided to go down; be in the right place, waiting for the right time. She also decided against taking anything for Tenille. Probably still out of it, she reckoned.
Quickly, she showered and changed, dressing with care to look as fresh and unworried as possible. She chose light cotton pants rather than shorts. A pale khaki green, featuring big fatigue pockets on the thighs. Her shirt, a fine white cotton poplin, she wore with the sleeves rolled back to just below the elbow. For today her hair was gelled, the sides slicked back, leaving the top short and spiky. Nothing must be out of place for that first moment Tenille opened her eyes. Finally she sprayed on a lightly fragranced cologne which she'd just bought, spending more than she should, but in hospital, attractive aromas were important.
A little after four o'clock saw her stepping out of the elevator on the second floor, in the old part of the hospital, feeling uncomfortable and out of place. She spotted the nurses station immediately and enquired if she could visit with Miss Fenech.
âShe's in room #207,' was the abrupt response from the nurse behind the counter, presumably writing reports. She nodded as she turned to look to see which way the numbers were running. At least she hadn't been stopped.
âShe's down that way,' a male nurse volunteered. He'd obviously heard the request as he walked by.
âThank you,' she smiled back and set off more confidently. When she pushed open the door she saw someone sleeping in the bed, but it wasn't Tenille. Tiptoeing past the sleeping occupant of the first bed, she felt uncomfortably guilty. Drapes had been drawn for privacy. When she pulled one back, shock rocked her. She saw dark circles below Tenille's eyes and a tangle of hair across the pillow. She wore a plain, pale blue hospital gown with her arm stretched out on top of the coverlet, a needle taped to a vein. Her forearm was bound to a support board, attached to a dextrose drip with a side line of antibiotic.
âMy poor precious,' she groaned. It had not only shocked her, but unnerved her too. Tenille looked so tired and drawn. She had never seen her like this and it had left her shaken. There was no color in the cheeks, giving her face a deathly pallor, but she loved her more in this moment of defencelessness than at any previous time. Her heart went out to her.
âTenille?' she called softly, gently touching her shoulder. Immediately her eyelids fluttered up. Recognition registered, but no words came. She bent down over the bed and gently kissed her cheek, smelling the lingering, sweet odor of anaesthetic on her breath.
âHello darling,' a smile in her voice. âI've come to be with you for a little while.' She pulled up a chair on the window side of the bed and carefully took Tenille's unencumbered arm from under the bed coverings and held her hand in both of hers. Tenille's eyes had closed again, but her expression was relaxed and she seemed to breathe more deeply. At one time Sidonie felt Tenille's fingers tighten, then they went limp. For almost an hour they remained thus. From time to time she would say something softly; Tenille would open her eyes and look, but she never spoke. It didn't matter. She felt so very close. She could feel she was happy to have her there as she drifted in and out of sleep.
Eventually the nurse came. Sidonie, unused to hospitals let go the hand abruptly and jumped up. She wanted to seize the moment to obtain further information. The nurse, bustling and middle aged, was cooperative and explained the operation had taken longer than expected. That was why Tenille was still so drowsy. While she continued to work at the drip, replacing bags and checking the flow, she clarified that the severance had been major, taking the doctors quite a long time to get everything sewn up.
âDoctors?' Sidonie gulped out, feeling sickened.
âYes. Dr. Suli had an assistant today, not uncommon in orthopaedic cases.' Nurse Arnott shrugged her capable shoulders and continued: âAnyway, everything has been patched up fine, but she's on rather powerful painkillers at the moment,' she stopped and looked down at Tenille, regarding her with compassion. âThat's another reason why she's not very lively.'
Sidonie too, looked at the pale, sleeping face, thinking how much that beautiful body had gone through in the last 24 hours.
“I'll make you feel better.”
she vowed silently,
“You wait and see.”
âYou'll have to go now,' Nurse Arnott's voice broke into her thoughts. âIt's time to bathe her and change the bedding.'
âYes,' Sidonie agreed reluctantly. She hated to leave and returned to the bedside to squeeze the trusting hand once more. âI'm going now, Ten.' She wanted to say: âMy darling,' but the nurse was there. âI'll be here again tomorrow.' She also wanted to kiss her goodbye, but instead, stroked back the dark, damp curls clamped to her cheek where she had turned her head to look at her. This time Tenille managed a small smile, breathing out: âSidonie,' on a long sigh, before lapsing once more into a drugged inertia.
By now the nurse was waiting impatiently for her to leave. She had so much to do and so little time.
“Story of my life,”
she grumbled to herself.
As Sidonie left the hospital she reflected she was fortunate to have friends like Reine and Thea since once again, she didn't want to be on her own. Time went quicker with them. They had Baseball on TV which was therapeutic, the contest taking her out of herself. Blue Jays versus the Atlanta Braves and doing quite well. At least it wasn't a push over. Alomar had scored a home run and their pitcher; it was Cowen this time around, had helped considerably in shutting out Atlanta. The Blue Jays seemed to be riding a crest, their double plays being pulled off with textbook precision. She and her friends were very happy with the score.
All the worry over the past two days had sapped Sidonie's energies and in the relaxed atmosphere before the box, she began to doze. She was nursing Scully on her lap when her head jerked back.
âI should go if I don't want to fall asleep at the wheel. Thank you both for helping me out. You know I do appreciate it don't you?' Scully set up a protest at the interruption to her creature comforts.
âSay no more. What are friends for?' Reine asked rhetorically.
âCall us any time,' Thea added, as they said farewell at the elevator.
She got home safely, stopping only for gas. She didn't see her usual little guy, being much earlier tonight. What a day. She fell exhausted into bed and slept heavily, knowing now Tenille was okay and believing all would be well.
*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *
The next time Sidonie saw Tenille she was a different person. Not only awake, but sitting out of bed, her leg propped on pillows on a low stool. The drip stand was still by her side, but the needle didn't seem to be bothering her. However, it made Sidonie feel unwell. Tenille saw her as soon as the door opened. The smile of greeting lit up her face and although the dark smudges beneath the eyes still remained, there was no room for doubt that this woman was many times better than on the previous day. She could see how pleased she was to see her and her own lips parted in an equally joyous smile, as she hurried forward to take her in her arms in a loving embrace.
mi amigo
.' Reine gave her an affectionate squeeze. âSeriously though. Anything, anything at all. Thea and I will be only too happy to be of service,' she finished up, rather formally.
âThank you for that, Reine. I really do appreciate it.' They stopped at the Tercel and she fished for her keys.
âI'll be in touch,' she promised, as she turned over the motor.
âDrive home safe. Don't lose your concentration,' Reine advised and with that she headed for the bright lights, musing how unexpectedly her evening had turned out.
That Freyer was too much. How could Narelle sit by and watch it all? She was really nice, in her quiet way. She had seemed a very sincere person.
“Tenille would have had a good time,”
she surmised. She liked people â enjoyed their differences. She, on the other hand, tended to be locked within herself; saw people only as they impacted on her, personally. She supposed she wasn't really interested in them for their own sake. Not like Tenille. She could never have gone in for nursing. But then, that was probably one of the reasons she got on so well with animals, her communication with them was so open. Besieging facades or storming defences was not her forte. With animals she didn't have to. They came to her, even the ones who played up, still weren't trying to dissemble.
âOh, Ten darling,' she whispered into the night: âPlease don't let anything happen to you. I couldn't bear it if I were to lose you now.' She gripped the steering wheel hard, as if by hanging on she could make sure those around Tenille would do their jobs responsibly, with all their might, in total dedication to perfection. Tears squeezed from the corners of her eyes and hung, glistening on the tips of her lashes, as the searing image of a lifeless Tenille on the operating table passed before her. “
Only under anaesthesia,”
she thought, “
not in death.”
“Get a grip on yourself, girl,”
she chastised
. “You still turn to spineless jelly when it comes to Tenille. What's the matter with you? She wouldn't be impressed with your performance, if she could see you now. You've got to be brave for her. Don't go falling apart.”
The words of the song on her radio intruded into her mind. CONSTANT CRAVING. She reached forward and turned it up. She had always liked k.d. and with each new release, she was appreciating her more.
“What a voice she has,”
she admired “ â¦
and this one speaks to me all right. For sure, I know what she's going through.”
The song had soothed her troubled mind and she turned into the residents' parking lot just as it came to an end. She was glad now she was in a job that allowed her to finish at noon. Tomorrow she would call the desk, then get down to the hospital right away.
Getting ready for bed, a plan began to form. After this ordeal, she would try to figure out some way she and Tenille could live together. There had to be a way. There just had to be. Reine's remarks had triggered something. Surely, between them they could work things out? She'd not always be at the track. Once Tenille was over the worst and on her way to recovery, she would broach the subject.
“Two heads are better than one,”
she mused. Tenille was so special ⦠and tomorrow she'd be under the surgeon's knife. She shuddered. The thought didn't bear thinking.
In the morning Sidonie was aware of the ironies of life. When organizing herself for work she observed that the dawn was spectacular, the colors of the morning sky shimmering softly with the promise of the day's heat to come. A perfect day, weatherwise, but for her a day filled with anxiety and worry. Fortunately, she would have her thoughts distracted by other responsibilities. Although she was, strictly speaking, a hot walker, because she would be continuing her studies at Guelph in the fall, Michael the stable manager, was giving her small grooming jobs, from time to time. She'd been shown how to clean out hooves; how to pack them at any sign of fungal growth. She loved this extra contact with her charges and would have liked to work as a groom. But she didn't like the racing side of things. Once involved with that, your horse was your responsibility, it being frowned upon to ask someone else to look after it. Not so bad in summer, racing was right there at Rexdale, but wintertime ⦠sometimes on those nights the return home wouldn't be until well after midnight. That wasn't for her, just so people, (who probably couldn't afford it), could place bets in the evenings when they were free. She loved caring for animals, not using them.
She had hoped to get finished a little earlier today, but it was not to be ⦠in fact, everything conspired to take longer than usual. Perhaps it was because she was more nervy. She couldn't get to a phone until well after two o'clock, and then it seemed she had to wait forever for someone to come on the line. Tenille was in recovery. It appeared everything had gone smoothly. She wasn't too keen on âit appeared' and asked for clarification.
âWell, there's nothing on the sheet,' the nurse explained, âso that usually means there was nothing special to report.'
âWhen will it be possible to see her,' was her anxious enquiry.
âI suggest you call again later this afternoon. She'll probably be returned to the ward by then and you can speak to the duty nurse.' She gave a more direct number to call, so with her thanks, Sidonie hung up. She dialled Reine's number. There was no real news to pass on, but she wanted to let them know.
âDo you want to come over to us?' Thea offered. âWe're just puttering about in our usual Saturday way,' she explained.
âNo thanks, Thea. I've got a million things to do here, but if you're home tonight, I might drop by,' she suggested. She reckoned she should get some supplies in. There could be a lot of rushing about in the next few days.
âSure thing,' Thea affirmed, âwhenever suits you.'
After a stint of battling the crowds at Rexdale Shopping Mall, she returned home laden with laundry needs and food in packets for meals on the run. She didn't see how she could keep training for the Amazon contest, but it could provide the release she might need, while Tenille was laid up. It was hard to know what to do for the best.
With the next call she didn't have much greater success. The nursing shifts were on the change so they were at report and she only got reception. However, she was told Tenille was resting comfortably, having just returned to the ward.
âCan I come and see her?'
âThere shouldn't be any problem with that. Are you a relative?'
She thought of giving it a try in case it was ârelatives only' at this stage, but if there had been no complications friends should be okay. âNo, a friend.'
âYou may just not be allowed to stay very long, that's all,' the ward secretary explained. âI suggest you call again in about an hour, when the nurses are back from report.'
She hung up. Patience, never a strong suit in her character profile was wearing thin. Too agitated to wait, she decided to go down; be in the right place, waiting for the right time. She also decided against taking anything for Tenille. Probably still out of it, she reckoned.
Quickly, she showered and changed, dressing with care to look as fresh and unworried as possible. She chose light cotton pants rather than shorts. A pale khaki green, featuring big fatigue pockets on the thighs. Her shirt, a fine white cotton poplin, she wore with the sleeves rolled back to just below the elbow. For today her hair was gelled, the sides slicked back, leaving the top short and spiky. Nothing must be out of place for that first moment Tenille opened her eyes. Finally she sprayed on a lightly fragranced cologne which she'd just bought, spending more than she should, but in hospital, attractive aromas were important.
A little after four o'clock saw her stepping out of the elevator on the second floor, in the old part of the hospital, feeling uncomfortable and out of place. She spotted the nurses station immediately and enquired if she could visit with Miss Fenech.
âShe's in room #207,' was the abrupt response from the nurse behind the counter, presumably writing reports. She nodded as she turned to look to see which way the numbers were running. At least she hadn't been stopped.
âShe's down that way,' a male nurse volunteered. He'd obviously heard the request as he walked by.
âThank you,' she smiled back and set off more confidently. When she pushed open the door she saw someone sleeping in the bed, but it wasn't Tenille. Tiptoeing past the sleeping occupant of the first bed, she felt uncomfortably guilty. Drapes had been drawn for privacy. When she pulled one back, shock rocked her. She saw dark circles below Tenille's eyes and a tangle of hair across the pillow. She wore a plain, pale blue hospital gown with her arm stretched out on top of the coverlet, a needle taped to a vein. Her forearm was bound to a support board, attached to a dextrose drip with a side line of antibiotic.
âMy poor precious,' she groaned. It had not only shocked her, but unnerved her too. Tenille looked so tired and drawn. She had never seen her like this and it had left her shaken. There was no color in the cheeks, giving her face a deathly pallor, but she loved her more in this moment of defencelessness than at any previous time. Her heart went out to her.
âTenille?' she called softly, gently touching her shoulder. Immediately her eyelids fluttered up. Recognition registered, but no words came. She bent down over the bed and gently kissed her cheek, smelling the lingering, sweet odor of anaesthetic on her breath.
âHello darling,' a smile in her voice. âI've come to be with you for a little while.' She pulled up a chair on the window side of the bed and carefully took Tenille's unencumbered arm from under the bed coverings and held her hand in both of hers. Tenille's eyes had closed again, but her expression was relaxed and she seemed to breathe more deeply. At one time Sidonie felt Tenille's fingers tighten, then they went limp. For almost an hour they remained thus. From time to time she would say something softly; Tenille would open her eyes and look, but she never spoke. It didn't matter. She felt so very close. She could feel she was happy to have her there as she drifted in and out of sleep.
Eventually the nurse came. Sidonie, unused to hospitals let go the hand abruptly and jumped up. She wanted to seize the moment to obtain further information. The nurse, bustling and middle aged, was cooperative and explained the operation had taken longer than expected. That was why Tenille was still so drowsy. While she continued to work at the drip, replacing bags and checking the flow, she clarified that the severance had been major, taking the doctors quite a long time to get everything sewn up.
âDoctors?' Sidonie gulped out, feeling sickened.
âYes. Dr. Suli had an assistant today, not uncommon in orthopaedic cases.' Nurse Arnott shrugged her capable shoulders and continued: âAnyway, everything has been patched up fine, but she's on rather powerful painkillers at the moment,' she stopped and looked down at Tenille, regarding her with compassion. âThat's another reason why she's not very lively.'
Sidonie too, looked at the pale, sleeping face, thinking how much that beautiful body had gone through in the last 24 hours.
“I'll make you feel better.”
she vowed silently,
“You wait and see.”
âYou'll have to go now,' Nurse Arnott's voice broke into her thoughts. âIt's time to bathe her and change the bedding.'
âYes,' Sidonie agreed reluctantly. She hated to leave and returned to the bedside to squeeze the trusting hand once more. âI'm going now, Ten.' She wanted to say: âMy darling,' but the nurse was there. âI'll be here again tomorrow.' She also wanted to kiss her goodbye, but instead, stroked back the dark, damp curls clamped to her cheek where she had turned her head to look at her. This time Tenille managed a small smile, breathing out: âSidonie,' on a long sigh, before lapsing once more into a drugged inertia.
By now the nurse was waiting impatiently for her to leave. She had so much to do and so little time.
“Story of my life,”
she grumbled to herself.
As Sidonie left the hospital she reflected she was fortunate to have friends like Reine and Thea since once again, she didn't want to be on her own. Time went quicker with them. They had Baseball on TV which was therapeutic, the contest taking her out of herself. Blue Jays versus the Atlanta Braves and doing quite well. At least it wasn't a push over. Alomar had scored a home run and their pitcher; it was Cowen this time around, had helped considerably in shutting out Atlanta. The Blue Jays seemed to be riding a crest, their double plays being pulled off with textbook precision. She and her friends were very happy with the score.
All the worry over the past two days had sapped Sidonie's energies and in the relaxed atmosphere before the box, she began to doze. She was nursing Scully on her lap when her head jerked back.
âI should go if I don't want to fall asleep at the wheel. Thank you both for helping me out. You know I do appreciate it don't you?' Scully set up a protest at the interruption to her creature comforts.
âSay no more. What are friends for?' Reine asked rhetorically.
âCall us any time,' Thea added, as they said farewell at the elevator.
She got home safely, stopping only for gas. She didn't see her usual little guy, being much earlier tonight. What a day. She fell exhausted into bed and slept heavily, knowing now Tenille was okay and believing all would be well.
*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *
The next time Sidonie saw Tenille she was a different person. Not only awake, but sitting out of bed, her leg propped on pillows on a low stool. The drip stand was still by her side, but the needle didn't seem to be bothering her. However, it made Sidonie feel unwell. Tenille saw her as soon as the door opened. The smile of greeting lit up her face and although the dark smudges beneath the eyes still remained, there was no room for doubt that this woman was many times better than on the previous day. She could see how pleased she was to see her and her own lips parted in an equally joyous smile, as she hurried forward to take her in her arms in a loving embrace.
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