Outing of the Heart (82 page)
Read Outing of the Heart Online
Authors: Lisa Ann Harper
âMm..m, lovely. Thank you.'
She sat herself down on the bedside and gently stroked the curve of Ten's hip as she lay on her side, head propped on one hand as she drank. âYou are so special, Ten. A very special person,' she added. âYou know, there is something about you that glows.' She smiled into her eyes, as Ten looked dubious. âIt's true. It radiates from within.'
âSid.' she exclaimed.
Sid, looking pensively back said slowly: âI've given this much thought and I've come to the conclusion that the real beauty lies in your mind. Your way of thinking allows you to see good and noble things.' She placed a gentle finger to Ten's lips. âI have never heard you voice an opinion that puts people down. You don't bring to mind gruesome horror stories. It's just not in your makeup and I love that. You have gentleness and refinement â¦' she continued to stare at her â â¦and I mean that word in the nicest way.' She leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the tip of her nose.
âI believe you see things that aren't there,' she observed with a chuckle.
âDo you want to make me mad?' Sid flared, the words exploding fiercely. Ten's eyes grew big in alarm as she shook her head in dumb submission. âWell, say things like that and I will be.' The heat of Sid's impatience struck her full force. âI want to share my feelings and thoughts with you, but if all you do is laugh at me ⦠then I won't.' She had a reddened, inflamed look. Ten could see the frustrated three year-old inside the young woman; eyes a cloudy grey as if terrible abstractions had washed the sparkling blue from their depths.
âI'm not laughing at you Sid,' she objected, trying to placate this complex creature, so full of changing moods, yet so dear. âYou overwhelm me and I don't feel I deserve such accolades. But what can I say?
“Yeah, you're right, I'm wonderful?”'
She reached up and stroked the earnest face regarding her with such single-minded attention, the eyes glaring ferociously. âI don't feel what you describe. I find it embarrassing to be analysed to my face in such glowing terms.'
âSo I embarrass you now, do I?' Her voice was cool as she turned away, feeling confused, not only by Ten, but herself too. She didn't want to be quarrelling, especially not now, after such a wonderful and thrilling time together. Sometimes she'd like to screw herself up and throw herself into the trash can; start over with a new model. Too many times lately, she brooded, she was rubbing herself the wrong way. What was happening to her? She didn't know herself. âI'm sorry, Babe,' turning back apologetically. âI don't know what gets into me sometimes.' Her voice was raw with ill concealed despondency. Try as she might she could not help rogue memories from souring her pleasure.
Ten put her coffee down and leaned forward to embrace her lover. âIt's okay. I know you don't really mean it. It's just sometimes, emotions get too hard to handle and we get tangled up.' Gently, gently. A rigid attitude now would make Sid emotionally unavailable and she desperately wanted to avoid this. What a sad reality, the state of happiness being so tenuous, when what is wanted actually coincides with what is received. She knew that what is claimed to be wished for, too often fails to deliver the cherished desire.
With the hard look still staring out, Sid contradicted: âYou don't. You stay serene and calm.' Her mouth was set in a determined line, but the underlying vulnerability showed through.
She scrutinized this girl with narrowed eyes.
“Sweet
G
oddess, did she really believe that?”
wondering if she knew her, the real her, at all. A stab of fear shot through. She didn't want to be apotheosised. Perhaps Sid had constructed this paragon and one day would wake up; discover her Tenille had feet of clay.
âRemember, dearest,' she said gently, âeveryone has their âother side', maybe you just haven't seen mine yet.'
âI know what I know and know what I see,' Sid declared obstinately, not wanting her illusions, if that was what they were, to be shattered. “
Don't spoil things,”
she entreated, silently, her belly clenching in apprehension. “
Love can be so fragile ⦠or is mine so weak?”
She didn't like the turn these musings had taken. How could she be so ecstatic one moment and thinking such dark thoughts the next? Her brain swung back to the task at hand and she smiled stiffly. âI must go. Let you get your sleep. Get my head down too.' The words came out disjointed, an indrawn breath on each syllable. The voice seemed to belong to someone else. She felt arms tight around her as she was gently kissed. Ten had watched the play of emotions across Sid's agitated face, knew she was hurting inside, but couldn't figure out the reason.
âTry to turn off for a while, my darling. Get a good sleep and we'll talk tomorrow. We can finalize our plans for the weekend.' She looked at her. âTonight was wonderful. Thank you for this time. Truly, I feel you and I were made for each other. I believe this with all my heart. Our destinies are entwined. Everything in our lives has drawn us toward this moment ⦠and now we are linked, only death can sever us.' She continued to hold Sid with the power of her thoughts as well as her arms.
She felt herself relaxing, the tension that had built up, ebbing away, as the quiet soothing of the softly spoken words poured balm on her bruised thoughts. Thank heaven she was in love with an older woman, not another silly teenager like herself. Imagine, two of them like her. A minor incident would blow up into a major disagreement at the slightest provocation. She rested her head on Ten's neck. âI love you so much.'
She stroked her face, hot from emotion. âYou must go now. You need your sleep and it's getting late.'
Sid drew herself reluctantly away from the warmth of the embrace and her billowing softness. The separation was a too brutal wrench and she hated to sever the contact, but Ten was right, she must go. Only a little time now and they wouldn't have to go through all this. On her feet she was resolute, her mind beginning to re-organize.
âI'll call you about one. See how you are and what you need. Then I'll come over and we can get stuck into it.'
Ten stayed her with her hand. âBefore the week's through, can you take me out to see your place? I'd like to know before it's too late, where you lived and what your home was like.'
âOf course. Why don't we do that tomorrow, then?'
âOh, can we?' Her face lit up. âTomorrow would be perfect. For so long I've wondered about the Residence. It's always been this mysterious blackhole into which you'd disappear. It would swallow you up and it was like you were lost to me.'
âHow fanciful you are,' Sid observed indulgently. âIt's just a room. Anyway, tomorrow you'll see. Let me tuck you up. I'll let myself out.'
She drew her nightshirt from under the pillow and Sid enjoyed helping her change. Feeling exhausted, she sank back against the bedding, sensing sleep to be close at hand. She was glad she wasn't the one to make that drive. Her eyelids flew open with a start. âYou will drive careful, won't you? You're not too sleepy?'
âNo Babe, I'm fine. Now don't take on. Close your eyes and sweet dreams.' She kissed those beautiful, curving lips once more and slid off the bed. She brought the door to softly and took one last look at her darling, lying peacefully at rest. The moonlight, shafting into the room through the blinds had taken all the color away, leaving her pale as death.
âIf I were to lose you now,' she whispered, âI would kill myself.' She turned and made her way to the car.
*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *
As they took the Belfield exit, Tenille exclaimed, âI've never been this far north of Toronto. You know I've not been many places in my life at all, when I come to think of it.'
âWell darling ⦠âhave car, will travel'. Your dad was going to teach you to drive wasn't he?'
âYes, but now I've got to wait.' Her brow crinkled. âThen I will for sure.'
Everything had gone smoothly today. When Sidonie arrived at the apartment, Tenille had allready done some packing. Her personal possessions and books she'd stowed in two boxes, to be dropped off at the house on the way back.
âI wish it were possible to have you stay over with me.' She pulled a face, remembering those house rules. âThey make no distinction between males and females.' Concentration on the corner took her thoughts.
âWell, as you've said yourself, Honey, not long now and we won't have to worry.'
Curiosity filled Tenille, her head swivelling this way and that, trying to take it all in. This would probably be her one and only visit to the backstretch and she wanted to make the most of it. The day had dawned fine and sunny, but now the usual pall, dense and hazy was settling itself over the city which she could see as she looked back, towards the Harbor. Northward was clear and blue, the dancing clouds beckoning, shining a sharp metallic white, their outline silvered.
Acres of velvet green, divided by newly painted white rail fences defined the backstretch. The residence, a single storey brick building greeted visitors in front where the gardens were artistically landscaped, but out back, where the girls had access to their rooms was only grass, albeit well mowed with neat edges.
At the gatehouse Tenille had to sign the guest book. She noticed how friendly the guys were to Sidonie. Obviously a good rapport had developed over the months. She turned to her and laughingly explained: âThey know I'm the Night-Owler. Not many girls keep the hours I do.' They crunched along the gravel path towards the centre of the block, Tenille managing well on her crutches, doing a dot and carry one. Passing an open doorway Sidonie observed: âThe phone's in there. Summer time it's OK, but in winter â¦' she shuddered. âIt also gives us quick access to the front.' She stopped suddenly. âHere we are. This is mine, #11.'
Tenille stood to one side as she unlocked the door. For no reason she could fathom her heart was pounding like a jackhammer. When she hopped over the threshold she was amazed to see how small it was. Only enough room for two single beds. The ensuite and closet were at the far end. Although the drapes were drawn there was ample light. They had a softening effect, which improved the room's appearance. A chest of drawers doubled as the kitchen table where Sidonie now stood, taking mineral waters from her little bar fridge.
âHow do you cook?' Tenille asked, frowning in puzzlement, as she looked about her.
âI don't. I buy cold meats, sometimes pate and make salads,' she replied. âI've a toaster, an electric kettle and they do me just fine. Sorry no chairs, you have to sit on the bed.' Tenille hopped over and stretched out on the dark green cover.
âIt's comfy,' she observed, as Sidonie plugged in the kettle for coffee. For now she brought over the two bottles to quench their thirst and set them on the night table.
âSo many nights I've lain on this bed and thought of you.' She looked deeply into Ten, then continued, voice low and intense: âAnd here you are.' Stretching out beside her she brought her down with eager arms, delivering soft, playful kisses holding her tight. Then with firmer grip she pressed into her back, their bodies meeting at their breasts. She moved her thighs against Ten's. As the heat rose between them Ten opened her mouth and let Sid's tongue explore and savor. The kiss deepened and soon she was lost in its intensity and its wonderful sensations.
Startled apart by the piercing screech of the kettle, they laughed together. Sid got up after planting one more light kiss. âI like plunger coffee more than perked,' she told her, happy to be sharing the small, personal details of her life. âI buy my beans from The Second Cup in the Woodbine Shopping Mall. They grind a delicious French/Vienna combination. Hope you like it.' Ten stretched languidly where she lay and watched Sid go through the ritual. Soon that delicious aroma permeated the room. She poured two small glass cups and added half-and-half. Now they sat companionably, side by side on the bed.
âWho's this a photo of?' Ten asked, picking up a silver frame from the night table, curiosity getting the better of her.
âThat's my Ma holding my baby sister, Chelsey. She's almost 14 now.'
âHave they ever been out here to see you?' she pressed.
âNo. I go visit them when I can.' Sidonie returned the photo to its place.
âCould I meet your mother and Chelsey one day?' she asked ingenuously, hoping only to learn more about this girl whom she found so fascinating. For some reason she could not guess, Sid was reluctant to agree to this request.
âPerhaps, one day,' she said, noncommittally.
She didn't like to pursue what appeared to be a touchy area, but she couldn't help feeling a little woeful. Change the subject. âDo you have any boxes? We could begin to pack some of your things.'
âI haven't any as yet,' she admitted, âbut I could start by putting my winter clothes into cases. If we take those over then I can come back and fill them again.' The awkward moment slipped by and they were at ease again. Five o'clock found them thinking about food. Ten's stomach had already been making funny noises, which she had been trying to ignore.
âWe could go to St. Hubert's on the corner,' Sid suggested. âIt's nothing fancy, but it's clean, with modern decor.' Ten's tummy growled some more, in anticipation.
âSounds good to me,' she said in perfect accord. âI'll just use your loo first.'
Cases packed, Sid dragged out two boxes of odds and ends which she already had, then thought it prudent to phone ahead to be sure someone would be there, since they didn't yet have a key. Ten waited in the car and on Sid's return, her face told her there was no problem.
The meal went down very well. Just French fries and chicken in St. Hubert's special sauce, a roll and salad, but the ambiance was congenial. âI don't usually eat here,' she confessed: âJust pick up something and take it back with me. It's nice to be sitting and eating properly for a change.' “
Especially sitting opposite such a beautiful woman as you, you gorgeous creature.”
âI tend to be an eater on the run,' she admitted. âMind you, when I was training for the competition I was stricter with myself. I would eat regularly and quite substantially then.'
She sat herself down on the bedside and gently stroked the curve of Ten's hip as she lay on her side, head propped on one hand as she drank. âYou are so special, Ten. A very special person,' she added. âYou know, there is something about you that glows.' She smiled into her eyes, as Ten looked dubious. âIt's true. It radiates from within.'
âSid.' she exclaimed.
Sid, looking pensively back said slowly: âI've given this much thought and I've come to the conclusion that the real beauty lies in your mind. Your way of thinking allows you to see good and noble things.' She placed a gentle finger to Ten's lips. âI have never heard you voice an opinion that puts people down. You don't bring to mind gruesome horror stories. It's just not in your makeup and I love that. You have gentleness and refinement â¦' she continued to stare at her â â¦and I mean that word in the nicest way.' She leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the tip of her nose.
âI believe you see things that aren't there,' she observed with a chuckle.
âDo you want to make me mad?' Sid flared, the words exploding fiercely. Ten's eyes grew big in alarm as she shook her head in dumb submission. âWell, say things like that and I will be.' The heat of Sid's impatience struck her full force. âI want to share my feelings and thoughts with you, but if all you do is laugh at me ⦠then I won't.' She had a reddened, inflamed look. Ten could see the frustrated three year-old inside the young woman; eyes a cloudy grey as if terrible abstractions had washed the sparkling blue from their depths.
âI'm not laughing at you Sid,' she objected, trying to placate this complex creature, so full of changing moods, yet so dear. âYou overwhelm me and I don't feel I deserve such accolades. But what can I say?
“Yeah, you're right, I'm wonderful?”'
She reached up and stroked the earnest face regarding her with such single-minded attention, the eyes glaring ferociously. âI don't feel what you describe. I find it embarrassing to be analysed to my face in such glowing terms.'
âSo I embarrass you now, do I?' Her voice was cool as she turned away, feeling confused, not only by Ten, but herself too. She didn't want to be quarrelling, especially not now, after such a wonderful and thrilling time together. Sometimes she'd like to screw herself up and throw herself into the trash can; start over with a new model. Too many times lately, she brooded, she was rubbing herself the wrong way. What was happening to her? She didn't know herself. âI'm sorry, Babe,' turning back apologetically. âI don't know what gets into me sometimes.' Her voice was raw with ill concealed despondency. Try as she might she could not help rogue memories from souring her pleasure.
Ten put her coffee down and leaned forward to embrace her lover. âIt's okay. I know you don't really mean it. It's just sometimes, emotions get too hard to handle and we get tangled up.' Gently, gently. A rigid attitude now would make Sid emotionally unavailable and she desperately wanted to avoid this. What a sad reality, the state of happiness being so tenuous, when what is wanted actually coincides with what is received. She knew that what is claimed to be wished for, too often fails to deliver the cherished desire.
With the hard look still staring out, Sid contradicted: âYou don't. You stay serene and calm.' Her mouth was set in a determined line, but the underlying vulnerability showed through.
She scrutinized this girl with narrowed eyes.
“Sweet
G
oddess, did she really believe that?”
wondering if she knew her, the real her, at all. A stab of fear shot through. She didn't want to be apotheosised. Perhaps Sid had constructed this paragon and one day would wake up; discover her Tenille had feet of clay.
âRemember, dearest,' she said gently, âeveryone has their âother side', maybe you just haven't seen mine yet.'
âI know what I know and know what I see,' Sid declared obstinately, not wanting her illusions, if that was what they were, to be shattered. “
Don't spoil things,”
she entreated, silently, her belly clenching in apprehension. “
Love can be so fragile ⦠or is mine so weak?”
She didn't like the turn these musings had taken. How could she be so ecstatic one moment and thinking such dark thoughts the next? Her brain swung back to the task at hand and she smiled stiffly. âI must go. Let you get your sleep. Get my head down too.' The words came out disjointed, an indrawn breath on each syllable. The voice seemed to belong to someone else. She felt arms tight around her as she was gently kissed. Ten had watched the play of emotions across Sid's agitated face, knew she was hurting inside, but couldn't figure out the reason.
âTry to turn off for a while, my darling. Get a good sleep and we'll talk tomorrow. We can finalize our plans for the weekend.' She looked at her. âTonight was wonderful. Thank you for this time. Truly, I feel you and I were made for each other. I believe this with all my heart. Our destinies are entwined. Everything in our lives has drawn us toward this moment ⦠and now we are linked, only death can sever us.' She continued to hold Sid with the power of her thoughts as well as her arms.
She felt herself relaxing, the tension that had built up, ebbing away, as the quiet soothing of the softly spoken words poured balm on her bruised thoughts. Thank heaven she was in love with an older woman, not another silly teenager like herself. Imagine, two of them like her. A minor incident would blow up into a major disagreement at the slightest provocation. She rested her head on Ten's neck. âI love you so much.'
She stroked her face, hot from emotion. âYou must go now. You need your sleep and it's getting late.'
Sid drew herself reluctantly away from the warmth of the embrace and her billowing softness. The separation was a too brutal wrench and she hated to sever the contact, but Ten was right, she must go. Only a little time now and they wouldn't have to go through all this. On her feet she was resolute, her mind beginning to re-organize.
âI'll call you about one. See how you are and what you need. Then I'll come over and we can get stuck into it.'
Ten stayed her with her hand. âBefore the week's through, can you take me out to see your place? I'd like to know before it's too late, where you lived and what your home was like.'
âOf course. Why don't we do that tomorrow, then?'
âOh, can we?' Her face lit up. âTomorrow would be perfect. For so long I've wondered about the Residence. It's always been this mysterious blackhole into which you'd disappear. It would swallow you up and it was like you were lost to me.'
âHow fanciful you are,' Sid observed indulgently. âIt's just a room. Anyway, tomorrow you'll see. Let me tuck you up. I'll let myself out.'
She drew her nightshirt from under the pillow and Sid enjoyed helping her change. Feeling exhausted, she sank back against the bedding, sensing sleep to be close at hand. She was glad she wasn't the one to make that drive. Her eyelids flew open with a start. âYou will drive careful, won't you? You're not too sleepy?'
âNo Babe, I'm fine. Now don't take on. Close your eyes and sweet dreams.' She kissed those beautiful, curving lips once more and slid off the bed. She brought the door to softly and took one last look at her darling, lying peacefully at rest. The moonlight, shafting into the room through the blinds had taken all the color away, leaving her pale as death.
âIf I were to lose you now,' she whispered, âI would kill myself.' She turned and made her way to the car.
*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *
As they took the Belfield exit, Tenille exclaimed, âI've never been this far north of Toronto. You know I've not been many places in my life at all, when I come to think of it.'
âWell darling ⦠âhave car, will travel'. Your dad was going to teach you to drive wasn't he?'
âYes, but now I've got to wait.' Her brow crinkled. âThen I will for sure.'
Everything had gone smoothly today. When Sidonie arrived at the apartment, Tenille had allready done some packing. Her personal possessions and books she'd stowed in two boxes, to be dropped off at the house on the way back.
âI wish it were possible to have you stay over with me.' She pulled a face, remembering those house rules. âThey make no distinction between males and females.' Concentration on the corner took her thoughts.
âWell, as you've said yourself, Honey, not long now and we won't have to worry.'
Curiosity filled Tenille, her head swivelling this way and that, trying to take it all in. This would probably be her one and only visit to the backstretch and she wanted to make the most of it. The day had dawned fine and sunny, but now the usual pall, dense and hazy was settling itself over the city which she could see as she looked back, towards the Harbor. Northward was clear and blue, the dancing clouds beckoning, shining a sharp metallic white, their outline silvered.
Acres of velvet green, divided by newly painted white rail fences defined the backstretch. The residence, a single storey brick building greeted visitors in front where the gardens were artistically landscaped, but out back, where the girls had access to their rooms was only grass, albeit well mowed with neat edges.
At the gatehouse Tenille had to sign the guest book. She noticed how friendly the guys were to Sidonie. Obviously a good rapport had developed over the months. She turned to her and laughingly explained: âThey know I'm the Night-Owler. Not many girls keep the hours I do.' They crunched along the gravel path towards the centre of the block, Tenille managing well on her crutches, doing a dot and carry one. Passing an open doorway Sidonie observed: âThe phone's in there. Summer time it's OK, but in winter â¦' she shuddered. âIt also gives us quick access to the front.' She stopped suddenly. âHere we are. This is mine, #11.'
Tenille stood to one side as she unlocked the door. For no reason she could fathom her heart was pounding like a jackhammer. When she hopped over the threshold she was amazed to see how small it was. Only enough room for two single beds. The ensuite and closet were at the far end. Although the drapes were drawn there was ample light. They had a softening effect, which improved the room's appearance. A chest of drawers doubled as the kitchen table where Sidonie now stood, taking mineral waters from her little bar fridge.
âHow do you cook?' Tenille asked, frowning in puzzlement, as she looked about her.
âI don't. I buy cold meats, sometimes pate and make salads,' she replied. âI've a toaster, an electric kettle and they do me just fine. Sorry no chairs, you have to sit on the bed.' Tenille hopped over and stretched out on the dark green cover.
âIt's comfy,' she observed, as Sidonie plugged in the kettle for coffee. For now she brought over the two bottles to quench their thirst and set them on the night table.
âSo many nights I've lain on this bed and thought of you.' She looked deeply into Ten, then continued, voice low and intense: âAnd here you are.' Stretching out beside her she brought her down with eager arms, delivering soft, playful kisses holding her tight. Then with firmer grip she pressed into her back, their bodies meeting at their breasts. She moved her thighs against Ten's. As the heat rose between them Ten opened her mouth and let Sid's tongue explore and savor. The kiss deepened and soon she was lost in its intensity and its wonderful sensations.
Startled apart by the piercing screech of the kettle, they laughed together. Sid got up after planting one more light kiss. âI like plunger coffee more than perked,' she told her, happy to be sharing the small, personal details of her life. âI buy my beans from The Second Cup in the Woodbine Shopping Mall. They grind a delicious French/Vienna combination. Hope you like it.' Ten stretched languidly where she lay and watched Sid go through the ritual. Soon that delicious aroma permeated the room. She poured two small glass cups and added half-and-half. Now they sat companionably, side by side on the bed.
âWho's this a photo of?' Ten asked, picking up a silver frame from the night table, curiosity getting the better of her.
âThat's my Ma holding my baby sister, Chelsey. She's almost 14 now.'
âHave they ever been out here to see you?' she pressed.
âNo. I go visit them when I can.' Sidonie returned the photo to its place.
âCould I meet your mother and Chelsey one day?' she asked ingenuously, hoping only to learn more about this girl whom she found so fascinating. For some reason she could not guess, Sid was reluctant to agree to this request.
âPerhaps, one day,' she said, noncommittally.
She didn't like to pursue what appeared to be a touchy area, but she couldn't help feeling a little woeful. Change the subject. âDo you have any boxes? We could begin to pack some of your things.'
âI haven't any as yet,' she admitted, âbut I could start by putting my winter clothes into cases. If we take those over then I can come back and fill them again.' The awkward moment slipped by and they were at ease again. Five o'clock found them thinking about food. Ten's stomach had already been making funny noises, which she had been trying to ignore.
âWe could go to St. Hubert's on the corner,' Sid suggested. âIt's nothing fancy, but it's clean, with modern decor.' Ten's tummy growled some more, in anticipation.
âSounds good to me,' she said in perfect accord. âI'll just use your loo first.'
Cases packed, Sid dragged out two boxes of odds and ends which she already had, then thought it prudent to phone ahead to be sure someone would be there, since they didn't yet have a key. Ten waited in the car and on Sid's return, her face told her there was no problem.
The meal went down very well. Just French fries and chicken in St. Hubert's special sauce, a roll and salad, but the ambiance was congenial. âI don't usually eat here,' she confessed: âJust pick up something and take it back with me. It's nice to be sitting and eating properly for a change.' “
Especially sitting opposite such a beautiful woman as you, you gorgeous creature.”
âI tend to be an eater on the run,' she admitted. âMind you, when I was training for the competition I was stricter with myself. I would eat regularly and quite substantially then.'
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