Outlaw Hearts (33 page)

“And I am supposed to just go out there and announce that I'm available?” Miranda asked, hardly able to believe his words. “‘Oh, sir, will you marry me and support my two children? My husband ran off on me.'”

“Stop it, Randy!” He closed his eyes, and a tear slipped down his cheek. “Do you know how I felt, how scared I was you and Lloyd would be killed? And my best friend, my first real friend, is dead. It's going to keep happening, Randy. My past is going to keep coming back to try to destroy us—”

“
Try
. Yes,
try
is the word!” She breathed deeply against pain and dizziness, realizing she could barely raise her voice without hurting, but not wanting the pain to stop her from being here with Jake and convincing him he must not let this ruin the love they had found together. “People don't love each other only in the good times, Jake,” she said in a softer voice. “They love each other no matter what, for better or for worse, remember?”

“And
I
get all the better being married to you, while
you
get all the
worse
! It isn't fair to you, Randy. I never, never should have let this happen! I never should have let my feelings overcome the cold, hard facts!”

“I had a big part in the decision we made, Jake. I knew exactly what I was doing when I married you. I went in with my eyes wide open. And what about Lloyd? How am I supposed to explain that the father he practically worships has suddenly disappeared from his life?”

Jake lowered the cigar, still not lighting it. “You saw the way he looked at me out there, the way he ran from me. I can't live with him looking at me like that! I told you before that if I ever saw that look—” He squeezed his eyes shut. “That's why I never wanted him to find out about my past when he's older. He'd look at me the same way, only he'd be old enough to also be ashamed. He might even be ashamed of himself because of who fathered him, just like
I've
always been ashamed. I don't
ever
want him to feel like that! It's best I get out of his life now while he's still young enough to forget me.”

Miranda felt the panic rising, sensed that there would be no reasoning with him this time, not even a way to reach his emotions. As soon as he saw her hurt, saw his son recoil from him, he had quickly buried all feelings like the old Jake would have done after a beating from his father. Oh, he was so good at it. Seeing Kennedy and his men had brought back all the meanness and all the hardness he'd once possessed, and everything she had accomplished with him emotionally had been wiped out.

“I'll leave you every dime I have,” he was saying resignedly. He stared at the floor. “I'll take just enough to survive on for a while. Hell, I've lived off the land plenty of times.”

“And what you need, you'll steal?”

He looked at her darkly. “Maybe. You can have the farm. Sell it and keep the money. Maybe you should go to San Diego. You can file for a divorce there, live pretty nice there. Maybe you'll meet a banker or a lawyer or some other decent, educated man who can make a nice life for you.”

“
We
had a nice life, Jake!”

“
Had
is the word.”

“And you're a damn coward!” Her voice broke on the words, her eyes filling with tears. He looked at her in surprise. “For all your bravery with those guns, all you pulled through as a little boy, you've grown up to be a coward, Jake Harkner!” Miranda struggled to keep from breaking down. “You could face Kennedy and his men, but you can't face your own past and stand up to it! You won't hold up your head and look your past straight in the eye and say, ‘Look, this is the Jake Harkner I am
now
, and I'm strong and I'm sure of what I want. I love my wife and my son and I am going to protect them and provide for them and be
happy
; and nothing that has happened in my past can change what is real for me right now!'”

She felt suddenly faint and moved to sit down in the chair. In spite of his own fierce pain, Jake rose and grabbed her, and she sank against his chest. “Don't leave me, Jake,” she said softly. “You promised, remember?”

He threw the still-unlit cigar onto the bed and moved his arms around her carefully. “You should
want
me to leave you, for Lloyd's sake if not your own.”

“You're his daddy and he loves you. What happened out there was just frightening to him, that's all. When he's settled, he'll come to you like he always has, because he thinks you're the greatest thing that ever walked.”

He stroked her hair. “And when he gets older, he'll find out differently.”

“Maybe not, now that Kennedy and his men are dead. We'll just move on from here, Jake. We did it once, we can do it again. All that matters is that we have each other. I don't want to be without you.”

“How can you talk that way?” he said gruffly. “After today…you saw what I did.”

“You defended yourself and me and Lloyd. That's all I saw. The world is better off without Kennedy and Clarence and Juan and
all
men like that!”

She felt his grip tighten. “
I
used to be like that, Randy. That's the hell of it.”

“No! You were never
like
them.” She leaned back and looked up at him. “You rode with them, but left because you couldn't keep associating with the things they did.”

“I left them, but I also didn't do anything to
stop
them.”

“You stopped them from hurting that girl!”

He moved away from her and helped her sit down in the chair. “I can't keep doing this to you, Randy. Look at you, in so much pain.”

“Juan did this, not you.”

He eased himself back onto the bed, just watching her a moment, feeling sick at the thought of what would have happened to her if Juan had gotten her alone. Kennedy had not planned his capture very wisely. He must have been so excited over finding him that he lost all sense of reason. All they would have had to do was take Miranda off with them. He would have gone with them quietly if he knew Juan already had Miranda.

Thank God she hadn't suffered being alone with Juan and the rest of them. He was glad they were all dead. At least that much had been accomplished today, but at what horrible cost? “Randy, some of those people out there want to hang me for being responsible for the loss of innocent lives, and I can't say as I blame them. Now they're afraid I'll bring more trouble to Desert. This is going to be in the newspapers of major towns all around here, which means men are going to smell reward money and come after me. Even if we decided we
should
stay together like you want, it's too dangerous for you and Lloyd right now. I'm going to have to leave, Randy, and leave alone—get the hell out of Southern California if it isn't already too late. Once I'm sure no one is coming for me, and I find a place where I can settle safely, I could send for you.”

Her throat ached so fiercely she could hardly talk. He was going away! He could be hunted and killed and she would never know it! Or without her he could start thinking she was better off this way and never send for her, maybe even return to his old ways. “Jake, I can't let you go off alone. I
belong
with you.” Her voice trembled, and she broke into tears.

Jake reached out and touched her hair. “Randy, you know I'm right. You know that right now you've got to let me go. Alone I can dodge anybody who tries to come after me. We have to do this, for Lloyd's sake. We can't go dragging him all over the country, risking being bushwhacked by bounty hunters and the like. The best thing for him right now is to go right back to the house, to familiar things. You can tell him I went hunting for more mustangs, that I'll be coming back, or that I'm looking for a new place to live and he'll be back with his daddy soon enough.”

“Will he? Will he ever hear from his daddy again?” She begged him with tear-filled eyes. “You need us, Jake, and we need you. Don't let this destroy everything we have together. Don't go back to the way you used to live, thinking we're better off without you. I love you. Lloyd loves you. Don't just disappear from his life and never let him see you again. He's little, Jake, but he'll remember. He'll know his father deserted him, and you said you'd never hurt him. Deserting him is just as bad as beating him.”

Silent tears traced their way down his own face, and he took hold of her hands. “I don't want to be separated from my son, Randy, but for now it's better than either one of you being hurt or killed because of me. Thinking it's best for both of you if I go on without you is as painful as somebody ripping my heart right out of my chest. I'd love right now just to go home to that peaceful ranch and be with you and Lloyd and have everything the way it was, but it's all changed now, Randy. In fact, you can't even stay out there alone. You've got to get someone to stay with you, or sell the place and stay here in town somewhere, after Lloyd has been home a few days and settles down.” He squeezed her hands. “If you're brave enough to still want to be with me, then somehow we'll make that happen. I promise.”

“You promised you'd never leave.”

“And I won't, not forever. But for now I don't have any choice, and you know it. You
know
we have to do this to protect Lloyd. You
know
I'm right!”

She put her head down, drawing his hands to her face to kiss them. She choked in a sob. “I'm so afraid for you. What if you're hurt and I'm not there?”

“I'll just rest easier knowing that at least you and Lloyd weren't in danger, knowing you're right here, safe. Not everybody out there hates us, Randy, and those who do don't hate
us
. They hate
me
. Once I'm gone, some of them will be willing to help you. Even so, it's going to be hard, Randy. Some of them are going to say cruel things. I'm so damn sorry about that.”

“I don't care what they say. All I care about is you being all right and not giving up on us.” She rubbed her cheek against his hand. “Please write me, Jake, or send me a wire once in a while telling me you're all right. Please don't take too long to send for us. Wherever you are, I'll come. I don't care where we live, as long as we're together, as long as Lloyd can be with his daddy again.”

He pulled his hands away to reach over to where his pants lay. He took a handkerchief from the pocket and wiped at his eyes. “I don't understand you,” he told her. “I knew you were a strong woman, but most women would end it right here and now. Maybe you should think about this, Randy. Being apart will give you time—”

“I don't need to think about anything! I love you, Jake Harkner, and Lloyd loves you. You fathered the baby I'm carrying, and he or she will love you too. I meant every vow I took when I married you, and I don't care how you feel about it, you
do
deserve to be happy and to have us with you.
You
have to be strong too, Jake, and running from this, going back to that old life is
not
being strong, even if you think you're doing the best thing for us. The best thing for us is to be with you, and the only way you're going to overcome the past, Jake, is to stand up and refuse to let it destroy your future.”

She paused, then went on. “Not giving up on us is the best way for you to show your father and men like Kennedy that you're
better
than that,
stronger
, that you're strong enough to overcome all the things they did to try to destroy your spirit, to show them you've found a love strong enough to bear up to anything your past throws at you. You've proven you're capable of loving and letting yourself be loved, Jake. You've proven you can provide for a family, that you can give us a home and be a good husband and father. We'll just do it again, someplace else.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “It was so beautiful here.”

“Anyplace we can be together is beautiful.”

He shook his head. “I don't deserve—”

“I don't want to hear that. You know how strangely our lives kept getting entwined together, and you know that means God intends for us to be together. You're stuck with me, Jake, whether you like it or not.”

He took hold of her hands again, studying her reddened eyes, her hair hanging in loose strands from the once-neat bun it had been pinned into. The horror of this day had taken its toll on her. “If you or Lloyd had been killed, I would have pointed my gun right at my own temple and pulled the trigger. You're the only good thing I've ever known in my whole life, and that's why for now I've got to leave you both behind, Randy, until I know things are safe again. Fact is, for your own safety, you ought to tell people around here that you plan to divorce me. They have to think that you didn't really know the whole truth about me. They have to think that what you found out today about me is as new to you as it was to them, and that because of that you can't bring yourself to stay with me. If they think I'm out of your life for good, they'll be more willing to help you.”

“Jake, I won't do that. I'm not ashamed to be married to you. I knew exactly—”

“Damn it, Randy! For once will you do what I ask, for Lloyd's sake if nothing more? You've got to pretend to disown me and just get on with your life as though you mean to live it without me. If you sell the farm and all the horses, you'll have money to live on for a while, plus the money we've got in the bank. Somehow I'll get more money to you, and somehow I'll find a way to send for you without anyone realizing it. When the time comes for you to leave and come to me, you've got to make up some story about going back to Kansas or something. They can't ever think you might be coming back to me, or you might be followed. Do you understand?”