Painting Sky (15 page)

I had seen the possibility of marrying Cody more clearly in the past, but now I had a sickening feeling that it wasn’t going to happen. The more I pushed him away, the more he pushed away from me. The more he pushed away, the more I didn’t want to keep him close. I didn’t even know if that made sense.

Relationships went both ways, and I hadn’t made an effort to keep him close. I got mad because he was never home, and then when he was home, we would fight. It was becoming exhausting.

I
found time for Shelby a couple of days later, when she asked me about the Halloween party at my house. It was a party I hadn’t been informed about, but she had found out through Keith, who had sent her a text message. I had no idea how he’d gotten her number, but that painful pull in my chest came back. He lived with me. He’d seen me that morning in the kitchen. Why hadn’t he said anything about what was, allegedly, the biggest party around here on Halloween?

Shelby was as excited as a three year old and jumped all over me. “It’s three days away. What are you going to wear?”

Shrugging, I answered her. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.” I didn’t know about the party until two seconds ago, let alone have time to think about costumes.

“Oh, honey, we will think about it together.” She laced her arm in mine—a habit she had.

“I don’t even know if I’ll go,” I murmured.

“Oh, silly, it’s at your house! You can’t get out of this one. Won’t Cody be there?”

Cody, the bastard: of course he must’ve known about the party. I was wondering if he had bailed on me last year to go to this party, using exams as excuses to not go home that weekend. I had sat at my parents’ while even my younger sister was out, having fun.

My senior year had been kind of lonely. Even though I had still been in the popular crowd, I hadn’t felt it, anymore. With Cody gone, people hadn’t looked at me like I was worthy enough to be part of their group. They’d never had the courage to kick me out completely, though. I should be used to being left out of the fun plans, but it still hurt. Neither my brother, nor my boyfriend should forget about me. The anger was growing inside and I had to push Shelby away.

“Sorry, can’t talk right now. I remembered I told Cody I would have lunch with him.”

“Jane, that’s on the other side of campus. When you get there, it’ll be time for our class.” She looked confused. I was a good student, was never late to class, sat in the front rows, and did all the assignments. Bailing in the middle of the day wasn’t my usual behavior.

“Don’t worry—I never miss classes. I’m sure if I’m late to this one, it won’t be that big of a deal.” I shrugged and started walking, leaving Shelby standing there with an astonished look on her face.

I walked for almost twenty minutes. I wasn’t used to that part of the campus and got lost twice, before I started asking people about Cody’s department.

I finally found Cody outside, accompanied by four other students I hadn’t met yet. One of the girls had her hand on Cody’s arm and was smiling at him in a much too friendly way. If I wasn’t mad enough before, I was now seeing red. He wasn’t bothered by her hand.

“Cody,” I said, when I reached the group. He turned around quickly with a surprised and scared look on his face, as if he had been caught doing something wrong.

“Jane? What are you doing here?” He stepped forward, looking around to see if I was with someone else. I stepped back from his reach.

“I came to have lunch with you. Aren’t you happy? We never see each other.” I felt his friends’ eyes on me. They looked like they were having a laugh at my expense. “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends?”

He took too long to react, which made me feel even more uncomfortable. I knew he had been avoiding this encounter. All the times he went out, to study or not, he never let me get close to his friends.

“Sure,” he finally answered, gulping before turning around. “Guys, this is Jane.” My idea of introductions wasn’t exactly that. He was supposed to give me their names, as well, but no one bothered to point that out. His friends weren’t very eager to meet me, either.

“Can we have lunch?”

“I’m sorry, Jane, I already ate. We were on our way to a study group.”

He rarely called me Jane, instead opting for a term of endearment. I never gave it much thought, and didn’t even enjoy it much, but, right now, my name pissed me off. He was doing it on purpose, as if he were ashamed of me. I felt tears in my eyes, and, before anyone could notice, pulled my cell to pretend I was checking the time.

“I’m sure you can miss a meeting. After all, you study every waking hour of the day.” My voice caught on my impatience.

One of his friends made a choking sound, like I was amusing him. Had Cody been lying to me? I locked eyes with the girl and noticed a bit of pity there, before she averted her eyes altogether.

“Jane, please.”

“Cody, I really need to talk to you—right now,” I whispered between my clenched teeth, not wanting to give his friends any more reason to laugh at me.

“I’ll catch you guys later,” Cody threw the words over his shoulder, like he didn’t want us in the same space anymore. He started walking toward the coffee shop I’d passed on my way there and didn’t try to hold my hand or create any other form of contact.

“What was so important that you had to walk all this way in the middle of the day? Couldn’t you wait until I got home?” He grabbed my arm before entering the coffee shop, reminding me much of his brother’s behavior from a couple of days ago. I shook off his grip and turned to look him in the eyes.

“Were you planning on going home today, because I never know these days. I haven’t seen you in what? Two days? And the way you greet me is with: ‘What are you doing here?’ Way to go, Cody. Way to make me feel loved.” I noticed two couples looking our way; I was clearly talking too loudly.

“Don’t pin your bad day on me, Jane. This is where I study. Did you come here to make a scene? Is that it?” he whispered, not wanting to cause said scene.

“I came here to ask why you never bothered to tell me about the biggest party around town.” I rolled my eyes. “I get here only to find a girl all over you.” I knew I was exaggerating, but that girl gave off a weird vibe.

His laugh had nothing amusing in it: he was mad, and, if I didn’t keep my cool about this, I would end up accusing him of something I had no proof of.

“You must be kidding me! Now you’re jealous? You came here because I’m too busy with studying that I forgot to tell you about a party, and now you’re accusing me of cheating?” He crossed his arms and I knew I had messed up. My pride prevented me from feeling any kind of regret at the moment, though.

“You’re never home. What am I supposed to think?”

“You’re supposed to trust me, damn it.” He threw his arms up, stepped away, and kicked a rock. I had never seen Cody react like that: he was the calmest person I knew. “What if I was home, huh? You don’t even want to touch me, anymore. I’m the one who should be worried. Have you cheated on me, Jane? Have you?” I stepped back when he got so close that we could kiss. With his accusation and tone, I was almost afraid of him.

Keith’s kiss popped in my head, but that hadn’t been cheating: I hadn’t wanted it. The reason I wasn’t telling anyone about it was because I didn’t want his family any more torn than it already was. “Of course not, Cody,” I whispered, looking to the ground. A tear ran down my cheek and fell on the dirt. “I don’t even know you, anymore.” My voice was still weak.

I was waiting for him to step forward, hug me, apologize, and say he loved me, like he always did when we got into fights and I cried, but nothing happened. I lifted my face to his and saw some pain there, but it was mostly anger—as if he had a reason to be angry at me. I had just come to surprise him. Okay, I’d had an ulterior motive, but he hadn’t known that until a minute ago, and he had been hostile since the first second.

“Maybe we both changed this past year. Everyone changes at some point.” He shrugged, like he wasn’t talking about his four year old relationship—like he wasn’t breaking my heart.

“We’ll talk when you get home. I think we’ve said enough.” I backed away from him and looked him in the eyes, waiting to see the Cody I loved. I then turned around and almost ran to the bus station.

I wanted to get home as soon as possible, lock myself in my room, and cry. I could feel my relationship slipping away from me. I was losing Cody and it was probably my fault. If I had slept with him on my birthday, like I’d promised, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. I had been so stupid to try to convince myself that he would wait for me all this time. What guy would?

He said he loved me. That should have been enough.

I arrived home, drenched, because the day was agreeing with my mood and it was pouring outside. I closed the door behind me, hoping I was alone for once in my life.

“Look who doesn’t know what an umbrella is.” Keith was sitting on the couch, with one beer in one hand, the remote in the other, and a smug smile on his face. This wasn’t the right time for him to tease me.

“Why don’t you go mess with someone else?” I snapped.

“Whoa! Look who’s pissed today.”

“Go fuck some random girl and leave me alone.” I didn’t wait for his remark: his choking sound and huge eyes told me I had surprised him with that one.

After locking my bedroom door, I turned the radio on, turning up the volume to an almost painful level.

I threw myself on the bed and hugged my pillow, screaming into the feathers with all my power. Why had I come here? Why had I come all this way just to stay close to Cody, only to talk to him less even than I had when I was home? If we broke up, I wouldn’t have anything else, here. I had no friends, my brother was home even less than Cody, I was going to fail my classes and my father would force me to choose another major. I would be miserable, and, again, alone.

The pounding on my door was getting unbearable, so I got up, marched to it, and opened it with such force that it bounced off the wall and crashed into my forehead.

“Shit, damn it…” I stepped back, hugging my head.

“Let me see.” Keith’s hands grabbed my wrists to pull them away from my face. “You’re bleeding. Come to the bathroom so I can see it properly.”

I followed him almost blindly into the bathroom and let myself fall onto the toilet seat. My hands were bloody, so I assumed it was kind of serious.

Keith took cotton balls and washed my wound with a liquid that stung.

“Don’t move—it will be worse. I guess your day couldn’t have been very good for you to be cussing so much. I’ve never heard you swear before.” He smiled and blew on my forehead. I was mad at him, too: he had been the first one I had been mad at today. Right now, however, after my fight with Cody, it was almost irrelevant.

The sadness was settling in me again. I watched my face in the bathroom mirror, all flustered, eyes bloodshot, and forehead still bleeding. I just wanted to curl up in my bed again. I got up so fast that the room spun. Keith’s arms came around me.

“You have to sit down for a few more seconds.”

“Let me go,” I protested, while I tried to get free from his hands. He just gripped me harder, pushing his fingers into my flesh. “Let me go! Let me go, now!” I screamed. Then, as if all of my energy had left my body, I collapsed in his arms. I woke up a second later, as he was still trying to put his right arm under my knees to carry me out of the bathroom. I had fainted from exhaustion. I wanted to tell him to let me go once again, but my mouth felt like I hadn’t had any water in days.

Keith laid me on his bed, since his room was closer to the bathroom, and I saw that his face was contorted with worry. Maybe I was being too hard on him. “Water,” I groaned, and he disappeared, only to come back half a minute later with a glass of water. I drank it slowly and then gave him the glass back.

“I’m going to get a bandage for your head.” He nodded at me and then left again. I snuggled against his pillow and curled up, shivering. Maybe I had a concussion. That would be the only reason for me to faint, right? And the only reason for me to feel like I had died and gone straight to hell.

“Here it is.” Keith sat on the bed and placed the bandage over my small wound. “It’s done. Does it hurt?” He lowered his eyes to meet mine, still worried.

I shrugged. No, the wound on my forehead didn’t hurt, because my heart hurt all over.

“Have you fainted before? Was it the sight of blood?” He smiled at me, but the expression didn’t reach his eyes.

I shook my head. I had never fainted before. I was just tired—so tired of crying—and then I had a freaking door crash into my head. It was understandable that my body hadn’t held it together.

“You’re not pregnant, are you?” At first, I thought it had been a joke, but his serious face told me otherwise.

“Are you kidding me?” My voice was still kind of hoarse, but I managed to sit up on the bed.

“You’re… all worried and sad, and then you fainted. It was a thought that came to my mind.” He was embarrassed, but it didn’t prevent him from making me mad.

“You know I’m still, you know…” I nodded at him and he sighed, relieved. His hand went through his hair, messing it up.