Panda to your Every Desire (12 page)

MAIRI CLARK was on the bus when an old chap came on and sat down beside a pal.

After exchanging a few tales, the chap asked his mate out of the blue: “Do you have a passport?”

His pal replied: “Not on me. I’m only going to Tesco.”

A READER on the bus heard some young chaps discuss their respective girlfriends with one claiming his was not the brightest. As he explained: “She was on the bus coming to meet me, so I phoned her to find out how long she would be. When I asked her, ‘Whereabouts are you?’ she said she was sitting near the back.”

SPOTTED on the back of a car in Bilsland Drive in Glasgow, a sticker stating, “I’m not drunk – just avoiding the potholes.”

DONALD GRANT in Paisley heard two senior citizens extolling the benefits of their free bus passes, with one of them declaring it was good exercise. When his pal asked how the bus pass helped with fitness, his mate replied: “Ah jump oan and aff the buses in the morning ’til ah find a free copy of the Metro.”

ANNE BENYON tells us she was listening to presenter Steve McKenna on Real Radio who explained he was trying to phone someone who had requested a song, but couldn’t get through to him. After playing the song, McKenna announced: “I just got a text from him saying he would like to pick up the phone, but cannae ’cos he’s on a bus with a group of neds.”

A STIRLING reader travelling by train to Edinburgh on Friday had to endure standing room only in the crowded carriage while the conductor apologised, stating: “This is due to the school holidays and the Edinburgh Festival.”

“Which of these,” wondered our passenger to himself, “took ScotRail by surprise?”

AND A Newton Mearns reader on the train into Glasgow watched as a retired gentleman searched his pockets for his ticket when asked for it by the guard. Seeing how frantic the chap was, the ScotRail chap told him: “It’s OK. I’m sure you’ve got one.”

“I still need to find it,” the old chap replied. “I’ve forgotten where I’m going.”

A READER buying his car insurance on a popular online site noted a message popped up asking: “Would you also like a quote to insure your pet?”

He thought to himself: “Surely no-one lets their dog drive the car.”

CLARE HENDRY tells us she was on a 44 bus in Glasgow when fellow passengers became concerned about a chap slumped in his seat, either drunk or asleep. The driver told them the chap had been on the bus for more than two hours. At this, one concerned customer argued: “You must have been to the terminus and back, and you didn’t say anything?”

At that, a fellow passenger came to the driver’s defence and said: “Perhaps the boy’s goat an all-day ticket.”

THE SCENE: Glasgow Airport. The weather: stormy.

Guy Wadge, from Helensburgh was preparing to fly with a colleague to Amsterdam.

“It was so windy that the plane was being blown around quite a lot before it had even taken off. We were already delayed because of the weather and there were rumours that the flight would be cancelled, but we finally got the go-ahead.

“My colleague, unfortunately, suffers from piles, and he started to blow up a cushion to sit on.

“Cue the Glaswegian voice behind us: ‘Hell’s teeth, they’re blowing up the life jackets already!”’

THE PADDLE steamer
Waverley
had a hectic summer on the Clyde. A reader on board tells us about a young mother who disembarked at Dunoon and, while watching the ship chug away, suddenly became slightly agitated and shouted to her sister on board: “Watch ma wean! Ah forgot it!”

The wean was indeed still on aboard asleep in its buggy. Fortunately mother and child were reunited later.

SHAUN MURPHY in Kilbirnie passes on: “My daughter, who works for an airline, told me that one of her colleagues was explaining to first-class passengers where the emergency exits were on the upper deck of the aircraft, and that in the unlikely event of a landing on water, they would have to escape using the exits downstairs.

“A rather posh gent inquired, ‘Does that mean economy gets off first?”’

CHATTY pilots, and Gilbert MacKay in Newton Mearns recounts: “I was on the Glasgow to London first flight of the day when the pilot announced, ‘Lynn, our chief steward, is leaving BA today to get married.’ He then added, ‘Nobody even told us she was pregnant.”’

THE ASH cloud stranding passengers at Glasgow Airport reminds Sandy Ferrar, who once worked there, of reasons why you might be happy to spend your holiday at Glasgow Airport:

•   Mosquitoes are not a problem.

•   You’ll save a fortune on sun tan lotion.

•   You might be interviewed by a TV news team.

•   You can manage without a phrase book – unless you’re from Edinburgh.

•   Airports don’t crash due to volcanic dust.

WE MENTIONED the punning names of horses that owners try to sneak past the horse racing authorities. Boat owners also like their puns it seems. A reader tells us one boat he saw on the Thames was called
Sir Osis of the River
. And another reader asked a boat owner why he had called his craft
After You
.

“So that I can tell women I’m chatting up,” he replied, “that I’ve named my boat after you.”

TOM NUGENT in Troon tells us: “I observed
Maiden Taiwan
at Millport, which looked as if it had been constructed in a local garage.”

YACHT names continued. Brendan Docherty at Cairnbaan on the Crinan Canal tells us: “I see an interesting array of leisure craft pass my window. One in particular stands out – a large and very expensive cabin cruiser crewed by a happy crowd of gin-drinking fifty-somethings. The boat’s name –
Sorry Kids
.”

IAIN MANN says he was on an early morning flight from Glasgow to Heathrow when the captain came on the intercom and said they would soon be landing at Jersey where the weather was glorious sun-shine. After a few minutes of animated discussion among the bleary-eyed passengers wondering whether they had got on the wrong plane, the captain came back on to apologise and to remind them it was April 1. At that a passenger sent a stewardess forward with a message for the captain stating that if it was alright with him, the passengers would still prefer to go to Jersey.

CHATTY pilots continued. Ian Barnett had flown with friends from Glasgow to Campbeltown to play at Macrihanish Golf Club on a blustery day. Says Ian: “After a bumpy approach, we finally got down, and the pilot turned round and said, ‘You might have thought that was a difficult landing – but not half as difficult as it will be for you lot to tee off at the first.”’

CHATTY pilots continued. Bill Cassidy tells us: “I was on a red-eye shuttle to London, when the pilot piped up, ‘Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I hope none of you is a first-time or nervous flier, as this is also my first flight.’

“After a short pause he added, ‘Today!’

“Oh how we laughed.”

PETER NIVEN in Western Australia knew he was back home in Scotland when, on a recent trip, his wife spotted a basket with a small selection of fruit in the cafeteria on the Rothesay ferry and selected a pear.

Approaching the counter, she asked the attendant: “How much for the pear?”

“Dunno,” came the reply, “No-one’s bought fruit before.”

“Ach, just keep it.”

A READER waiting for his flight at Glasgow Airport watched as a chap ran up to the next gate, just making his flight in the nick of time.

The flight attendant taking his boarding pass asked: “Rushing?” Our reader doesn’t know if the out-of-breath passenger was joking when he replied: “No, Scottish.”

CHATTY pilots continued. John Neil recalls: “I was once on the rickety old mail plane from Stornoway to Inverness.

“It was the middle of winter, really stormy weather and it was touch-and-go if the flight would go ahead.

“After boarding, the co-pilot came out, gave us a rudimentary safety demonstration and said, ‘People pay good money at Alton Towers for what you are about to experience folks. So enjoy the ride!”’

TALKING of boats, David Steele tells us about the chap who had a yacht moored at Millport named
Vengeance
, possibly in homage to the nuclear submarine that occasionally sails past.

It seems the chap, called Hamish, had taken out a loan to buy the yacht, and on the day the final payment was made, he proudly wore a T-shirt around town with the slogan: “Vengeance is mine!”

BOAT names continued. A reader tells us that the protocol when using VHS radio to contact a boat is to repeat its name three times. He reckons the boat owner on the west coast who named his vessel
Woof
knew this, as it causes much hilarity to hear the Coastguard contacting the boat and going “
Woof, Woof, Woof
”.

“THERE used to be a boatyard at the Broomielaw,” says Jack Docherty, “which had a boat with the name
Sloop du Jour
.”

BOAT names continued. Robert Armstrong in Houston says: “At the marina on the Toronto Islands, I was amused by the honesty of one yacht owner who had named his craft
Raison Debt
. I also recall an owner at Ullapool who named his craft
How Much?
as that was his wife’s response on hearing of its purchase.”

BOAT names continued.
Morning Mist
is of course a favourite boat name. Jack Bisset, however, wonders how much the owner of a boat on Loch Lomond enjoyed going to the pub of an evening as he had named his craft
Morning Missed
.

WE FINALLY weigh anchor on boat names with:

Bobby Holden spotted on the Crinan Canal –
Maid Freya Kitt
.

Gordon Sutherland was at Kingsridge School in Drumchapel when pupils built a yacht and had to choose a name that connected it to Kingsridge. Alas
Sin King
was rejected.

A Helensburgh reader saw in the Gareloch,
Mama’s Mink
.

AEROPLANE seating continued. Jennifer Wilkie tells us she was waiting in the departure lounge of Boston Airport for a flight to Glasgow when her husband, being annoying, told her to go up to the desk and try to get an upgrade.

Shaking her head, she went up to the desk, and said sarcastically, as many Scottish women do: “His lordship was wondering about an upgrade.”

She didn’t expect the woman behind the desk to squeal: “Oh my gawd, his lordship!” and promptly change their seats to first class.

“DID YOU see that American airline Southwest grounded its older Boeing 737s when a 5ft hole appeared in one plane’s fuselage?” said the chap in the pub.

“If it was Ryanair,” said his pal, “they would probably just charge you extra for having a sunroof.”

A BEARSDEN reader tells us he was catching an easyJet flight to London and was mildly surprised when an attractive woman boarded the half-full plane, and decided to sit next to him.

After chatting for a while his ego was deflated when she told him: “I was nervous as this is my first flight on my own. My mum said sit next to someone who looks trustworthy, and you look just like my dad.”

OUR MENTION of cabin crew reminds a Glasgow business traveller: “British Airways’ more sniffy stewards have devised a collective name for the poor folk lumped together back in the World Traveller cabin, which is the airline’s name for economy. It’s World Chav-eller, to reflect their distaste at the riff-raff they now have to look after.”