Panic (17 page)

“Pretty good. The job is painfully boring, you know, compared to what I was doing. But it’s OK. I’m good with slipping back into regular life.”

“And school?”

“Well, I don’t know. I like it, and I really like the idea of going to film school. But it’s a lot of work, ya know?”

She laughs. “I never went to college, so actually, I’m not a good one to ask.”

“No? How’d that happened? I mean, Ronin got an excellent education, so I just figured you did as well.”

“I was already grown up when I met Antoine. I did go to beauty school eventually. At first I was just Antoine’s personal make-up person and he showed me what to do. But when we finally settled down in the States I had to get a license. Antoine and I wanted Ronin to have all the opportunities I never did, so we always made education a big deal.”

“Maybe not everyone is cut out for a college degree?”

Elise stares hard at me as we enter the store. “Are you having doubts?”

I shrug and pick up a bottle of lotion and sniff it. “Some, maybe. It’s hard. I’m not very good at it, Elise. I’m terrible at math and the science is interesting, but I have to memorize a bunch of stuff. It’s just… hard.”

“Everything worth getting is hard, Rook. You gotta want it real bad, right? Like Antoine, for instance. He actually comes from a pretty wealthy family in France and they had a lot of preconceived expectations for his life. Things Antoine was not remotely interested in doing. They have a big construction business over there, major contracts all over Europe. But my Antoine decided to come to America. He had money for school but not much else, and he came here to study photography and now look at him.” Elise stops to smile as she thinks about her incredible baby daddy. “He fought for his dream, Rook. My dream was to make sure Ronin turned into a good guy so that’s what I fought for. And Ronin
is
a good guy, so I’m happy that I made that dream come true. Now I want my own family so I’m gonna fight for that. And if you want to get your college degree, then that’s your fight.”

I think about this for a few seconds as we continue to browse the lotions. “But—what if I’m fighting for the wrong thing? What if I just like the
idea
of film school and I’m not dedicated to putting in the years of hard work to make it real? What’s that mean?”

“Not everyone who loves taking pictures wants to be Antoine. Not everyone who wants to putter around with a video camera needs to make blockbusters. Maybe movies are a hobby? I’m not sure, so don’t take what I’m saying as gospel, OK? Because only you can figure out if it’s worth it.”

“Ronin wants to fight for a family too, Elise. He’s so, so serious about that and I’m not sure if I feel the same way.”

She sighs up at me, silent for a moment. “Not all families are bad, Rook. I did my best to make sure Ronin understood this as he grew up, but I think you need to hear it more than he ever did. Not all families are bad. Some people get stuck with bad parents, or they have a failed marriage because they ended up with the wrong partner. That’s just how things shake out sometimes. But not everyone’s life is like that. It took me twelve years of unconditional love from Antoine to understand this myself. So you know, if I can save you from wasting all that time doubting yourself and what you and Ronin have together, then that’s a huge win for all of us. He’s moving too fast for you, I get that. But he’ll wait, Rook. And if you love him and can see a future for the two of you, then let him have his dream while he waits. Because Ronin just wants to put down some roots. Even though we’ve called Antoine’s place home for more than a decade, we’ve always been pretty transient. He just wants to plant himself somewhere and let out a long breath of relief that this life is permanent now.”

Wow, I should’ve talked to Elise a long time ago about this stuff. She’s like a walking reality check. “Thanks,” I say as I hug her.

“Hey!” Clare calls from outside the store. “Look! It’s Ronin and me!”

Elise and I are both confused for a moment, but as soon as we walk outside and direct our eyeballs across the mall where Clare is pointing, we both get it.

Because right there in the front window of the lingerie shop is a giant poster of Clare and Ronin and he has his hands all over her body and his tongue down her throat.

And this is definitely
not
the picture I saw back at the studio.

“When did you take that?” I ask.

“Oh, this one…” She stops to think.

“Last fall,” Elise offers. “That was taken last fall. When Ronin was getting ready to bid on this GIDGET contract. He put together a whole fake campaign with Clare.”

“Yeah, that one was a while ago, but those GIDGET people liked it so much, they had us do another shoot this week. I think the proof was getting delivered from the printer today. Did you see it when you left, Rook?”

She bats her eyelashes at me. Clearly she knows I did. “No,” I answer, shaking my head. “Never saw anything.” She scowls at me, not sure if I’m lying or not, not willing to push things in front of Elise. I smile back at her, playing it off.

But inside, I’m seething. That fucker. Mr. I’m-nothing-if-not-honest fucking lied to me!

Chapter Twenty-Five - RONIN

I tug Rook into my chest and wrap my arms round her. “How about this one?” I point to the white crib with a sleigh bed shape to it. “It’s sorta classic, right?” She glances over her shoulder and gives me a dirty look. I know she hates this but I can’t help myself. “What? What’s that face for?”

“Nothing,” she replies with an annoyed growl.

Something’s up but I’m just not sure what it is yet. Something happened when she went shopping with the girls but she’s not acting mad. Just not happy either. I’d ask Elise, but she’s way too into this crib-buying stuff. Hell, even Antoine is into it. He’s all for the white cribs too, but Elise wants something dark. Apparently she has a vision of what her little boy’s room should look like and nothing will deter her.

And there’s no way I’m bringing Clare in because that would just make everything worse. In fact, I’m pretty fucking sure whatever did happen at the mall, Clare is the reason. I pull Rook over to the crib bedding and point down to a baseball-themed set inside the crib. “I’d pick that one.”

“Yeah, that’s nice.”

Well, at least she didn’t growl. “You wanna get out of here?”

Suddenly she’s interested. “Really? But what about Elise?”

“She’s got it under control. Hey, Ellie! We’re taking off, see you guys later, OK?”

And that’s that. I lead Rook out of the store and swing her hand as we walk to the truck.

The drive home only takes about ten minutes, but it’s ten minutes of silent hell. I know we have to talk about it, but since she’s in no hurry to bring it up, well, then neither am I. I turn the truck off in the garage and then look over at her. She’s fucking with her phone—doing what, I’m not sure, because the only people she really texts are me, Spencer, or Ford and I’m pretty sure she’s not having some deep convo with Ford or Spencer while she sits in my truck. “OK, what’s up, Rook? Obviously something is wrong and it’s got my name written all over it. So let’s just get it out in the open.”

She flips the handle on her door and jumps out, leaving me no choice but to follow her over to the elevator. The ride up is slow and silent and never in my life have I wished for an instrumental version of
Hey Jude
to be playing in an elevator more than I do right now. Anything to break the uncomfortable silence. When the door finally opens she walks out, but instead of taking a left to head towards the stairs, she walks out into the center of the studio and stands in front of that big promo picture of Clare and me.

“OK, this is the problem?” I ask as I wave my hand towards the poster.

Rook holds up her phone and there’s another picture of Clare and me on the screen. “Do you know where I took this pic, Ronin?”

I take the phone from her and look a little closer. “Shit.”

“Yeah, shit. You lied to me. This picture,” she says, snatching the phone back, “was the one you guys took last year and it’s on display at the fucking mall. This one,” she says, jacking her thumb behind her to the poster, “was a rush job shot last week. At least, that’s what
Clare
tells me. So would you like to explain why you lied?”

“Well, I’m busted, what do you want me to say?”

She gasps. “Uh, how about ‘sorry?’ Jesus fucking Christ, Ronin. I mean, look, I’m not gonna throw a fit or some shit like that, but fuck, I hate liars. Seriously cannot fucking stand liars. OK? I like the truth, thank you. I enjoy knowing what the fuck is going on, and I thought I could trust you.”

“I didn’t do anything more with Clare than you did with Spencer or Billy, Rook. It was one fucking shoot. They wanted an updated image now that Clare is back to being healthy, that’s all there is to it.”

She walks away. Just heads to the stairs and starts hoofing it up to the apartment. I catch up with her at the top, just as she’s about to turn the corner, and grab her arm. She pulls away so hard she stumbles backwards. “You’re walking away again, Gidget. I’m not gonna let you do that.”

She pushes past me and stops at our apartment door. “Like you can stop me?”

“So you’re walking out over this lie? This one stupid, meaningless lie?”

“First of all, it’s not meaningless. Maybe it’s not Earth-shattering, but it’s not meaningless. Because relationships are all about trust and now I’m having doubts.”

“Welcome to my world.”

She snorts. “Welcome to
your
world
? So you’re having doubts about
me
? Then just break it off if I’m not the girl you want. I’m clearly not what you’re into, Ronin. I mean what the fuck was all this baby shit today?”

“This was about Elise, not us.”

“No? You know I’m not ready to think about this shit and you don’t even care! You have no idea how fucking confusing it is to be around Elise right now. To watch all you guys get excited over this baby and have to feel…
nothing
. I can’t feel anything, OK? And all you guys are gushing about cribs and stupid outfits and baby bedding, for fuck’s sake!”

Well, that’s not what I was expecting. “So this isn’t about the photoshoot I did with Clare last week?”

She sighs. “Yes, of course it is!”

“I’m officially confused.”

“Forget it, OK? I’m not gonna throw a temper tantrum and start a huge fight over it, so just forget it. You just do your thing and don’t worry about me and I’ll do the same. How’s that?”

She reaches over to punch the code in the door and I grab her wrist and pull it away. “Hold on,” I say calmly and wait for her to look me in the eye. “I’m not even worth an argument? Really? You just want to get as far away from me as you can right now so you can avoid… what?
Dealing
?”

She laughs. “Oh, I’m not dramatic enough? Is that it? You want me to fight with you?”

“No,” I say gently as I lower her hand and bring it to my waist, forcing her to touch me. “I want you to fight for
us
, Rook. You never want to fight for
us
, you just want to walk away whenever it gets hard. And dammit, this is not hard, Rook. This life we’re living right now is fucking paradise. So how will you act when the shit gets out of control? Will you just leave me when I need you most? Because I’d never leave you. I hope you know that, Rook. I’d
never
walk out. I’d fight for you every single time. You’d never even have to wonder if I’d be there because I’d show the fuck up before that thought could ever cross your mind. I want you, I’d risk everything for you. I already told you I’d wait. Whatever it takes, however long it takes. I’m still gonna be here. I do want babies, I do want you as my wife, but I can live with a promise.”

She swallows and looks down. I take her other hand and press it against my waist so she has to turn and face me.

“What I can’t live with is you sabotaging our relationship every time you feel uncomfortable. Eventually, you’re gonna have to fucking figure this shit out. Because the thought of you walking out on me just tears me up.”

And then I take her purse off her shoulder and drop it on the floor so I can slip my arms around her and pull her close. “I’m sorry about the Clare shit. I’m sorry that I lied earlier. I just didn’t want to talk about it right then, that’s all. I was stalling for time. Of course I was gonna tell you, but it’s sort of a long story and I didn’t want to tell it right then.”

She leans her head into me and I play with her hair a little as I talk. “Stop with the Clare jealousy, OK? I know she’s irritating, I realize she’s probably baiting you to piss you off, but I’m not interested in her. At all. She’s living in a fantasy and I’ll set her straight tonight and let you watch if you want. Because I have no problem fighting for us. None.”

Rook stays silent for a few seconds and relaxes against me a little more. I sigh as she begins to speak softly. “I was pissed about the Clare thing because she knew I didn’t know and it makes me feel so stupid. I felt so foolish that she knew you were keeping a secret from me. And I’m not a very confrontational person so my first reaction is always to run away. I know that. I get it. I’m just not sure how much I can do about it. When I get scared, I run. And so much about you—about us—scares me. It makes me want to just give up so I don’t have to deal with it.”

I tilt her chin up gently so she looks me in the eye. She fights it for a second, then relents when she realizes I’m not gonna let her get away with it. “I really don’t need much, babe. Just make me feel that I’m worth something. That you’ll take a risk on us, like you said on the phone the night I dropped you off at Spencer’s. I just want to know that when things start to look hopeless you’ll still be willing to show up and give it your best, ya know? At the very least, be willing to put in an appearance. I mean, I’d love it if you just stuck to me no matter what for everything, but seriously, I’d settle for a half-hearted try right now.”