Paper Dolls (26 page)

“Isn’t it still cheating if you’re with someone and you really want to be with someone else?”

You flinched. I could see all those memories flash across your face, all those sharp, sticky memories. “I love−”

“You love a ghost. You’re going to hurt her when she finds out.”

Your face screwed up and you pressed against me as if to emphasise your words. “I’d never hurt her.
Never
.”

“You really think you’ll be able to stop yourself?”

“I will. I am.”

“That’s a lie and you know it.” Just to prove it to you I pressed my hips into yours and I felt you stiffen. I leaned in real close.

Your whole body tensed, your face screwing up as if it was an effort to keep from moving, or perhaps it was an effort to remain still. “What are you doing?”

“Do you remember?” I whispered. “Do you remember how this feels, Clay?” I licked a soft line with my tongue against the seam of your lips until they opened with a groan, a low rumbling noise which I sucked into my body with glee.

“Stop it.” But that’s not what your body was saying. Your fingers clawed into me and your body grew harder as I rolled my hips against you with more urgency. The memory came back with ease now. My hips and yours. Your lips on mine.

I shoved it away.

“You’re bad,” I spat out, gritting my teeth so hard I could feel the tension shooting into my brain like tendrils. “You’re going to hurt her just like you hurt−”

“That was an accident.” He cringed. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t know…”

“Now you do. Leave us alone.”

“I can fix things. Give me a chance to fix it.”

“You can’t.”

“I can. I have a therapist who’s−”

“You really think some clueless shrink with all her cold academic credentials is going to help?” I shoved you back and you let me. I almost smiled at the relief the cold air between us gave me, and yet I wanted to cry at how my body missed yours. “Leave us alone or I will find a way to end you.”

“Is that a threat?”

“It’s more than a threat. It’s a promise.”
 

Monday, 23 November

You won’t let it go. You won’t leave. It’s only a matter of time before you fuck up and hurt her.

It will destroy her.

I can’t let that happen.

Adrenaline flooded my body as my fingers gripped the steering wheel, my eyes fixed on the tail of your Mustang up ahead on this stretch of long, lonely road.

I pressed my foot down and the car sped up until I was almost at your bumper. I pulled out around you as if I was going to overtake. For a moment I kept pace, glancing over, taking my eyes off the road ahead, until you looked over and our eyes met. I could see when you recognised me. I could see when the recognition turned to fear, when you realised what I was about to do.

Did you underestimate me, Clay Jagger? Did you underestimate the lengths that I would go to for her?

That was your mistake. It would be your last.

I yanked the wheel over, just as you hit the brakes. In that fateful moment everything slowed so that the micro-increments between the seconds, that pause between heartbeats, became the steady tick tick tick.

To my surprise, a cold dread flooded my body. What was I doing? Destroying my heart and hers? I tried to pull back.

But it was too late.

My car clipped the side of yours, the sick crumple of metal crackling through my ears like static. I was thrown aside in my seat, the belt catching around my ribs. You swerved off the lane and into the overgrown gutter.

I kept driving and my heart dropped into the bottomless pit that had become my stomach.
 

Tuesday, 24 November

You recognised me the instant I stepped into your hospital room and closed the door behind me. “Salem.” Your eyes narrowed and your hands clenched into fists in the sheets.

“You look like shit.” I stepped cautiously towards your bed, eyeing you over, trying to ignore the bothersome feelings of guilt threading their way through my body.

“Thanks to you.” You swung your legs over the edge of the hospital bed and stood, your gaze and your posture never wavering. “If you came here expecting an invalid to manipulate, I’m afraid I have to disappoint you.”

Through your thin hospital gown I could see the outline of your thick, muscled body, that body you worked on every day to keep your demons at bay. Damn you and your flimsy gown. Damn you. I could almost see you as you stood naked before me for the first time. I shoved that thought away. Now was not the time to get sentimental.

“Stay away from us.” I tried to keep the shake out of my voice. “I’m warning you.”

“Warning me?” You took a step towards me and the walls began to feel like they were closing in. “Like running me off the road was a warning?”

“I didn’t want to warn you. I wanted to
kill
you.” If I made you afraid of me then maybe I would stop shaking in my shoes like a pathetic little girl. “Don’t fuck with me, Clay.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“What?”

“I don’t believe that you wanted to kill me.”

I did.

“You could have slammed straight into me, sending me out into a tree, instead you only clipped my car. You pulled back at the last minute, didn’t you?”

“Screw you.”

“If you wanted me to die then you wouldn’t have called emergency after you ran me off the road.”

I flinched. “I didn’t.”

“I called emergency as well, as soon as I was able to get a hold of my mobile. They told me my accident had already been called in. An anonymous caller. There was no one else on that road except us. I don’t care how hard you protest. I know you care about me.”

“Shut up. I do not.”

“You do. Maybe you even love me, too.”

You took another step closer and my head began to swim. “Stay back. Keep away from me.”

You wouldn’t take your eyes off me, those intense blue orbs framed by those dark lashes, boring into my very soul. You lunged for me and caught my arm before I could back away, pulling me in close so that your hot breath swirled around my forehead, reminding me of things I’d rather forget. “Let go of me.”

“Why are you fighting me?”

“Because of what happened
that night
. You remember what happened that night, don’t you?”

The pain and guilt etched into every one of your beautiful, hateful features. “How could I forget?”

“What you did…it was unforgivable.”

“I haven’t slept with her. I promise you, I won’t.” You raised a hand to my face and you brushed your thumb across my cheek. It was gentle. The gentlest touch I have ever felt in my life. And yet, it scared me more than any tight fist and scarred knuckles I have ever encountered, because the touch reared something in me I wasn’t sure I could control. I wanted to give in. I wanted to give up my promise to Aria, my promise to protect her, to always put her first.

“We shouldn’t fight,” you said. “Let’s find a way through this. Together.”

My skin broke out, my mouth parted, the air sucking right out of me. I felt lightheaded. Before I knew what I was doing I turned my head to brush my lips against your palm. “Clay,” I breathed.

Shit. What was I doing?

“I…I can’t stay away.” Your voice was equally as pained. “I’ve tried. Don’t you think I know it would be better for her…for you…if I stayed away?” Your arm wrapped around me to pull me closer and I
let
you. My stomach twisted with my betrayal. But my body flooded with pleasure as your fingers threaded through my hair. “Please,” your lips brushed against my earlobe, “come back to me, Olivia.”

Olivia
.

That name shattered everything, sending the flutters of pleasure scattering like dried leaves. “Don’t call me that. Don’t you
ever
call me that.” I shoved you away and stumbled back, clawing desperately for the door. “I’m warning you. Stay away. Or you’ll ruin
everything
.”
 

14

I dropped the journal. It clattered to the ground as pieces of this puzzle began to slam into place.

Salem was Olivia.

Salem was Clay’s ex-girlfriend.

That’s why she hated Clay. That’s why she was trying to get rid of him. To protect me.

His mother saw me and called me Olivia. She mistook me for Salem.

Why would they not tell me? Why would Salem keep this from me? Because she thought she was protecting me?

Why would Clay want to be with
me
?

Oh my God. The realisation seized me like a thick, calloused hand around my throat.

“I haven’t slept with her. I promise you, I won’t.”

This was why Clay refused to sleep with me. He was saving himself for Salem. For Olivia.
“Come back to me, Olivia.”

Clay was using me to get to her, to make her jealous. I was a replacement for
her
. It was all for her. All of this was for her.

My body lashed with pain like I was being whipped, and I rocked back and forth as my legs trembled and I threatened to topple over. Why would he do this to me?

Why did they ever break up?

“What you did…it was unforgivable.”

Something happened. Something happened
that night
, something terrible…because of Clay’s schizophrenia? Did he relapse? Freak out? What happened? Did he hurt someone? Did he hurt…her? Did he hurt Salem? Is that why she left him?

What do you really know about him?

She tried to warn me. My throat burned as I choked on my first sob.

No, I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it. I could see the way that Clay looked at me, the way he touched me.

Every time he looked at you, he was seeing Olivia. Every time he touched you, he was touching her.

Calm down, Aria, calm down. They’re just words. False words on lying pieces of paper. Salem said he was cheating on you but that was a lie. You already know she’s trying to get you away from him. What if this is just another one of her schemes? You think it’s a coincidence that she left her diary out for you to find? You
know
Clay. He wouldn’t cheat on you. Salem wrote these lies and left it out here for you to find. She’s growing unstable. She
wants
to break you and Clay up.

Because Clay’s no good for you. He’s hiding things, you know he is. He even told you himself. He lied about his car accident. He lied about Salem being in the hospital. What else is he lying about?

Shut up. Shut up stop talking crazy you sound like Salem. It’s not true. It’s not true.

Maybe.

Maybe. Can you put your faith in maybes?

No. I need to know the truth. The truth. Even if it kills me.

My phone. Where’s my phone?

In my bag. Where’s my bag?

In the kitchen.

My hands trembled as I rummaged through my bag on my kitchen counter, my fingers feeling clumsy and thick. Fuck it. I turned my bag upside down and the contents bounced across the smooth countertop. I snatched up my phone. I hit the call symbol and it came up with the last number I dialled.

Clay.

My heart cracked.

Just be calm. Don’t accuse him, just ask him. This could just be another one of Salem’s stunts to try and break you two up. I swallowed down a thick knot and forced myself to keep calm as the ring tone sounded in my ear.

It clicked over to his voice message. “Clay,” I said, trying to keep the shake out of my voice. “You need to call me. As soon as you get this. Call me.” And I hung up.

Where was he?

There were only two places he could be. His apartment or his mother’s.

I’d start at his apartment. This was a conversation we needed to have face to face anyway. I needed to look into his eyes when he answered all the questions I had for him.

I grabbed my bag to throw everything back in there when I heard something clinking in the bottom. Something was caught in the small hole I had in the lining. I frowned as my fingers closed over it and pulled it out.

It was Salem’s house keys. Identical to mine. I must have picked up her keys by mistake. When did I do that?

Or Salem put them in your bag.
But why would she do that? Unless this was her way of telling you she was watching you.

I know where you’ve been. I saw you.
I shuddered as the hairs on my neck rose.

My car keys just appearing.

Salem’s keys suddenly in my bag.

Her journal suddenly on her pillow.

But no sign of her. Except a flash of the back of her hair between hospital patients.

If she was trying to scare me, she was doing a damn fine job.

15

My fingers were shaking when I pressed the buzzer to Clay’s apartment, anger making me hold the buzzer down longer than I probably needed to. I yanked my finger off the button and took a deep calming breath as I stared at the speaker, willing it to come to life.

Nothing. He wasn’t at home.

Through your thin hospital gown I could see the outline of your thick, muscled body, that body you worked on every day to keep your demons at bay. Damn you. I could see you as you stood naked before me for the first time.

What if he was with Salem? What if he was with her right now? Upstairs.

Together.

What if that open box of condoms was for her?

“I haven’t slept with her. I promise you, I won’t.”

My breath came out in short bursts as my lungs clamped together. What if Salem was trying to get me to break up with Clay so
she
could have him back? What if I was just some pawn caught up in their lovers’ tiff?

I lifted up my eyes to where I knew his balcony was. Nobody was on it. I needed to get up there.

Clay’s key. I still had Clay’s spare key from when I brought him his toiletries at the hospital. I rummaged through my bag and found them before letting myself into the lobby.