Paper Dolls (30 page)

Salem stepped up to my side, took my hand and squeezed. “I’m here for you. Always.”

I smiled at her before turning back to the doctor. “She’s here.”

“Okay, then let’s get you settled and shown around the facility.” He turned and walked down the hall and we followed, Nurse Dent taking up the rear.

Salem never let go of my hand. “Tell the doc I won’t eat any of that wholemeal pasta shit. Hey, doc, where does a girl get a cup of coffee around here?”

I shook my head, biting back a smile.

She nudged my side. “Hey, sis.”

“What?”

“Wanna play a game?”
 

Day 2

Even from here I could smell the reek of alcohol, the stink of him as he fell into the bed against me.

“Go away,” I screamed as he grabbed one of my wrists. I punched out with my thin arms but they just bounced off him.

That sick choking feeling rose up inside me to cut off my air as he slipped his hand down between my skinny legs. Air, I needed air. Where’s the surface?

“Stay with me, Aria.”

“I can’t.”

“Sweeetheaaaaart.”

“I can’t. Make it stop. Make it stop.”

“You’re so tight you’re so tight so tight fucking tight.”

“Salem, come back,” I screamed, my voice cracked and my throat scraped raw. “I was wrong. I need you, come back come back.”

I heard a sigh. “Sedate her…”
 

Day 9

“Are you okay, Aria?”

Are you okay?

Okay?

No.

I’ll never be okay again.

“Do you want to try again?”

I want to die.

Even from here I could smell the reek of alcohol, the stink of him as he fell into the bed against me.

“Go away,” I screamed as he grabbed one of my wrists. I punched out with my thin arms but they just bounced off him.

That sick choking feeling rose up inside me to cut off my air as he slipped his hand down between my skinny legs. Air, I needed air. But I was a long way from the surface now.

“Sweetheart,” he growled low in his throat. “Sweetheart. Sweetheart. Sweetheart.”

He yanked my pyjama bottoms down and he climbed on top of me. Like always, that’s when I froze, barely moving, barely breathing, holding everything inside. Keep it inside. But I never could. I felt the sharp rise of bile burning my throat. I shoved it back down. No. No no no. He climbed on top of me, made a shoving motion with his hips and I heard a small sob come from within me. It would be the only cry I made as he did what he did.

A low moan came from him. “You’re so tight.”

Sweetheart. Sweetheart. So tight sweetheart. The whole room, the walls, the mattress, shook, like the world was falling apart. For me, it was.

“Salem,” I sob-whispered, over his grunting, tears squeezing out of my eyes. “What do I do?”

“Don’t watch,” Salem said as she gripped my face with both hands standing right in front of me so she was blocking Dr Swanson’s face. “Just don’t watch.”

I buried my face in her shoulder.
 

Day 16

“I thought we’d talk about something else today.”

He always wanted to talk.

I didn’t.

I wanted to hide. I wanted to disappear into the blackness of an everlasting sleep and feel nothing, remember nothing. I wanted Salem. I wanted Salem here. But Dr Swanson never wanted Salem in here with me. He would make me leave Salem at the door before I came in. And as I closed the door between us, all I could see were the grey clouds of her eyes.

Salem came in anyway when I needed her. She was always there when I needed her.

“Tell me about Clay.”

Clay.

At the mention of his name a thread of light found a way to cut through the darkness. Slowly I looked up from my fingers, my nails chewed back to the quick, and up, up to Dr Swanson’s jaw. He had a deep dimple on his chin, which I sometimes stared at. It was always too much to look him in the eyes. I was afraid of what I’d see when he looked at me. Anger. Disgust. Pity.

“Clay,” I whispered. A pang of longing clenched at my chest. Where was he? Did he think of me? Like I thought of him?

His name is Clay. Clay Jagger.

Is that it? All I get is a name?

What do you want to know?

Is he good to you?

He’s wonderful.

So far.

What’s that supposed to mean?

My eyes darted aside looking for Salem, always looking for her. But today she stayed away.

“Aria?”

My eyes went back to his chin dimple.

“Tell me about Clay.”

Clay. Clay Jagger.

I licked my dry lips. “He makes me laugh. All the time.”

“Good. What else?”

“He’s brave and strong. He would go to the ends of the Earth for me, no matter what I did. And…”

“Aria, you’re stronger than you know.”

“And?”

I lifted my gaze to Dr Swanson’s eyes. They were a light blue. Not as dark or as vivid as Clay’s. But no blue was ever as vivid as Clay’s eyes. “And he believes in me.”
 

Day 21

“Can you go any further today?”

Aria, you’re stronger than you know.

Clay believed I could do this. I could do this. I could.

I nodded.

Get off me.

I inhaled slowly.

He yanked my pyjama bottoms down and climbed on top of me. Like always, that’s when I froze, barely moving, barely breathing, holding everything inside. Keep it inside.

And I exhaled.

I felt the sharp rise of bile burning my throat. I felt every outline of his fingerprints marking my skin. I felt every sticky inch of him as he violated my body. And his moan was a poisonous gas seeping into me.

You’re

so

tight.

Every thrust, every thrust, piercing me, piercing me, leaving holes in my paper soul. Please, be quick. Please. Be over. I squeezed my eyes shut, fleeing as far away as far down into my own mind as I could go.

Down

down.

Down I go.

But it was never far enough down. I could never get far enough away. My body, my mattress, my whole room, shook, like the world was falling apart.

You’re stronger than you know.

I won’t leave you alone. I’m here.

I gritted my teeth and my fingers dug into the couch. And the world shook a little less. And a little less.
 

Day 89

“Last day,” Dr Swanson said as we sat in his office.

I nodded. The last eighty-nine days had been some of the hardest and darkest of my life. As the truth about my past broke its way through like weeds in the cracks, there were two things that kept me going, two points of light, two faces in my mind that kept me fighting to push past the darkness when it threatened to swallow me.

I had good days and bad days in here. And I would continue to have good days and bad days. The bad days would come less and less and then they would become bad hours, then bad minutes…but I accepted that they may never really go away.

“Is Salem here?” he asked.

My shoulders wilted as a sadness rolled around in me. That was one thing I wasn’t sure I had truly accepted. I shook my head, my eyes lowered to the latte-coloured carpet.

“When was the last time you saw her?”

I swallowed. “I haven’t…” The doctor let me have my silence, perhaps realising I needed a moment. “I haven’t seen her in weeks now.” And I missed her so much.

I heard the sound of paper flicking as he closed my file. “Well, reviewing your file I think your treatment went well. I’ll be happy to release you tomorrow. Well done, Aria.”

It was you, Salem
, I thought, wondering if she could even still hear me.
I couldn’t have done it without you.

At the door to Dr Swanson’s office I paused and turned to him. “Do you think I’ll ever see her again?”

He pressed his lips together. “Salem was a strategy for your adolescent mind to deal with something horrific happening to you. Something that no one should ever have to deal with. You’ve made the right steps to move past it. So, don’t take this the wrong way but…I hope not.”

21

Day 90

My release day. As I walked down the hall from my room towards the lobby, my lonely footsteps echoed off the walls, my stomach tumbled over and over again like a half-empty dryer. Would Clay be there waiting for me? Like he said he would? We hadn’t seen each other in ninety days. We hadn’t even spoken in ninety days. But I’d thought of him every day. And I woke up every morning to his face on the backs of my eyes and the feeling of his ghost by my side.

Ninety days is a long time.

Anything could happen in ninety days.

We fell in love in less than ninety days.

And I forgot him in less than ninety seconds.

He could have met someone else. Moved away. He could have forgotten about me… Or chosen to try and forget about me. I wouldn’t hate him if he did. I had already caused him so much suffering.

I held my breath as I rounded the corridor to the lobby. Would he be there? Please be there. Please…

There he was.

Waiting.

With a smile as radiant and wide as I had ever seen it. My breath released in a sob as my body flooded with cool relief. I broke into a run. Even as my vision blurred behind my tears I found my way back into his arms. And his lips were on mine. And his arms were around me, crushing me, and I was being lifted, and I was weightless. And I was flying and I never wanted to come down.

“Aria,” my name broke in his voice as he leaned his forehead on mine, his smell of musk and cedar and his warmth making a home all around me. “God, I’ve missed you.”

“You came.”

“Of course I came.”

“I’ll come for you. I’ll find you. No matter where you go, I’ll find you.”
Now that I remembered everything, I felt our love stretching back to the day we met on that bridge, a thick, rich tapestry of him and me. Even though I ran from him, he searched for me and found me and waited patiently for me to fall in love with him again. He never gave up on me. Which is why
I
could never give up on me.

“I love you,” I said without hesitation.

“I love you, too, my indestructible angel.” He kissed me, his lips hot and fierce, a promise for what was to come. I didn’t even flinch as whistling and claps sounded out around us; they all sounded so far away to me.

Not everyone gets to find a love like this. I’m a very lucky girl, very, very lucky. Although I didn’t always feel that way.

I’m lucky because Clay Jagger loves me. Unconditionally. All of me. Even the torn or folded pieces of me.

Epilogue

I watch you and Clay walk from the facility lobby to the taxi he has waiting for you. I watch from a distance, always at distance, never too close to you, but never too far away. He has his arm slung over your shoulder and your hand is travelling across his back as if you’re trying to remember every part of him. And you don’t sense that I’m here.

You should know I’ll never really leave you, sis.

Never.

I love you too much.

I told you I’d always be here.

Watching.

Waiting.

Even if you don’t think you need me anymore, I know you do.

Or you will.

THE END
 

Paper Hearts: A Paper Dolls Novella

My name is Clay Jagger. And I have a secret. A secret that I just couldn’t live with…

Until an angel came along and saved me with her light and her laughter. And for a while we were happy.

But my angel has a secret too. A dark secret that if exposed would tear us apart.

This is a prequel novella told from Clay’s perspective. Please finish reading Paper Dolls before you read Paper Hearts as it contains spoilers.

This novella is NOT for sale. It is a labour of love and a ‘thank you’ that I will be giving out (for free) to my VIP Romance Readers. Dearest VIPs, please check your inbox for the download link to Paper Hearts.

Not a VIP yet? My VIPs get access to VIP-exclusive giveaways, freebies (like Clay’s novella) and get an occasional newsletter when I have a new release or sale. Join us here:

www.hannapeach.com

I also give away books and gift cards weekly on my Facebook page!

www.facebook.com/HannaPeachAuthor

Dear Readers,

Thank you for reading Paper Hearts. Although this is a fictional story, Schizophrenia and Dissociative Identity Disorder are
real
illnesses and a lot of the elements of this book are factual. I did make some creative decisions in regards to some aspects of this story (like the ending. Contemporary therapy encourages DID sufferers to live alongside their alters as opposed to giving them up). I hope I haven’t offended. It was certainly not my intent. My heart goes out to the brave souls who live with mental illness every day. I’d like to tell you about a UK charity that I personally support that provides mental health rehabilitation for young people, real people with problems just like Aria and Clay…

Sea Sanctuary was set-up in 2006 by my friend, Joseph Sabien, a survivor who had a violent mother with a mental illness and spent years in foster-care because of it. Their work is recognised by the NHS, and in 2013, they won the Google & Sainsbury’s Award for Innovation, and were nominated for the BBC Radio 4 ‘All in the Mind’ Award last year.