Paradox Love: Paradox Love Book 1 (12 page)

With Luke gone more often now, Molly confided in the babysitter that she thought Nathan might be being mean to Lucy.  The sitter hadn’t seen any evidence herself and was not about to accuse the boy of abuse without a shred of proof. 

Molly knew it.  She felt it in her gut and read it on Lucy’s face and in her body language.  And she was brave enough to talk about it one night during story time in her room before bed.

“Mommy,” she whispered, when the story was over, the book closed, “Nathan is mean to Lucy.  I think he’s been hurting her.  She’s scared of him.”

They both glanced over to see the beagle curled up in Molly’s closet, her favorite spot in the house.  Sandra was as stubborn in this instance of criticism for her son as she was with Luke’s insistence that he needed professional help.  To her mind, Luke’s attitude was now pushing Molly to share his irrational and negative view of Nathan.  The sting of it had her answering in a less than loving way.

“Molly, that is a hateful thing to say about your brother.  You tell me right now that you didn’t mean that.  You tell me right now and I will pretend you never said it.”

Molly was instantly ashamed for having spoken of Nathan that way, even as she felt sure she was right.  It was an odd predicament for a child.  She’d always been counseled to tell the truth, and she always had.  Here she was telling the truth again.  Yet something in her mother’s words made her feel ashamed, made her doubt herself.  She wasn’t a grownup.  She was just a kid.  And grownups knew better about most things.  Could her mother somehow know that she was wrong just by looking at her?  Could adults do that?  Somehow hear your words and look at you and tell right then and there that you were wrong?  She didn’t know. 

“I’m sorry, mommy.  I didn’t mean it.  I thought it was true.  Maybe I just remembered it wrong.”

Sandra hugged her and kissed her on the forehead. 

“I know I’ve been working a lot, but I’m just finishing a big project and I won’t have to work as much from Halloween all the way till Christmas,” she said with a smile.  “We’ll have a lot more time for fun stuff.”

“Okay,” Molly smiled.

Sandra rose from the bed.  It was Nathan’s story time now.

“I won’t tell Nathan what you said, Molly.  I know you didn’t mean it.”

“Okay.”

Molly was asleep by the time Sandra had finished with Nathan.  And Nathan was still awake when Luke arrived home.  The muffled talk coming from his parents’ bedroom grew progressively louder, until he could make out some of what was being said.  He’d never heard his mother say some of those words before. 

Mom was talking about Lucy and Molly and him. 
The F word
?
Mom used the F word!
  And she used it when talking about he and Molly, that the two of them were
both
acting F-ing crazy now. 

To hear her say his name and that bad word and the word crazy all in the same sentence made his heart beat like it would jump out of his chest.  He wondered if it was breaking, if that was what a broken heart felt like. 

And all at once he wanted to tell her how sorry he was.  He wanted to say it over and over so that she would never say those things about him again.  It frightened him that he could make her feel that way.  It frightened him into wanting to take everything back.  Every single thing.  But mom and dad were having a really loud fight.  He couldn’t go in there right now.

Luke was responding to Sandra’s last comment about the children.  He hated that he was engaging in this again.  He hated that her irrational arguing had him feeling ready with a host of sarcastic comebacks.  He didn’t want to do it.  But that last line set up the most obvious response.  “If you think your kids are crazy, then it’s you who needs a therapist.”

Nathan heard Luke’s heavy feet leave their bedroom and head down the hall.  Lucy heard him, too.  She was scratching to be let out of Molly’s room.  Then came the distinct sound of Luke’s footsteps returning to crack Molly’s door open and allow Lucy to come out.  Lucy followed him down the hall and waited by the front door, tail wagging and Luke went to retrieve his car keys.  On nights such as these, he never left without her.

* * * * *

The following morning, a Saturday, Nathan awoke as a different child.  The first one up, he scooped Lucy’s food into her bowl.  He poured cereal for himself and found the cartoon station on the television.  Luke was sleeping on the couch.  Lucy was curled up on the floor next to him.

“You hungry, Lucy?” he whispered when he’d finished his breakfast. 

She settled in tighter, bracing for what was to come.  He was too close.  She wanted him away from her.

When he left to retrieve her food bowl, she relaxed slightly.  But just as quickly, he was back.  Her heart thudded as her fight or flight instincts each fought for control.

“Here you go.” 

The smell of food filled her nostrils and her stomach rumbled in response.  But she behaved as though oblivious.  The boy had fooled her too many times. 

Nathan reached out to touch her as a low grumble came out in warning.  Even now she had tender bruises from where he’d struck her previously along the ribs.  She’d had more than one opportunity to bite him the past, but always she held back.  This morning was not the time to test her.  She’d passed the threshold of tolerance for anymore of what Nathan was dishing out.

He reached out to pet her on the head and she snapped at his hand.  To Nathan, it was only by some stroke of luck that he was able to pull back in time to avoid the bite.  It wasn’t true.  Had she truly intended to, Lucy could have found his flesh with her teeth.  This was a warning.  A
final
warning.

Nathan rubbed his hand and stretched it out in front of him, imagining what it would have looked like if Lucy had bit him, what it would have
felt
like.  It would have been just like that terrible movie he saw so long ago, where the demon dog had ripped off somebody’s hand and ran away with it. 

His heart pounded in his chest.  And all the feelings of the previous night came flooding back.  The shame of what his mother had said about him was presented anew through Lucy’s anger.  Both had clearly articulated what they truly thought of him.  They were right.  That was what he told himself.  They were right.

His racing heart still bouncing in his chest at what had just occurred, Nathan could not withhold the tears.  He cried for what his mother thought of him.  He cried about Lucy wanting to bite him and for what he’d done to make her feel that way.  But mostly, he cried about daddy.  Everything started with that.  Everything started the day he left. 

Nathan’s sobbing had Luke stirring on the couch.  He sat up groggy, scanning the room before he realized where he was.  Another night on the couch. 

Lucy remained on alert, but was looking at Nathan with curiosity.  Crying was a recognizable expression of distress and his drastically fluctuating affect was perplexing to her.  Luke realized that Nathan was crying and was equally confused.  Whatever had happened to start this episode, he’d clearly missed it.

As dramatic as Nathan’s crying spell was the night of Lucy’s arrival, it was not this kind of crying.  This crying was raw.  And real.

“Hey Buddy, what’s wrong?”

“I’m angry.”

“Angry?  Angry about what?”

“About daddy.”

Nathan got up from his place on the floor and sat next to Luke.  He reached out and Luke returned the embrace.  And then Nathan had the cry that he’d needed to have for the longest time.  It was to be the first of many.  It was a start. 

Luke’s arms around him were a comfort, metaphorically as well as  physically.  This strong man loved him.  This strong man had always been nice to him.  He wasn’t daddy but he was a good dad.  And Luke absorbed every sob without flinching.  He understood what it was like to mourn this way.  Every little quake was a profound expression of emotion and of loss.

In the midst of the breakthrough, Molly plodded down the hallway.  Her reaction was instant and obvious, a frown taking over her face.  She didn’t like seeing her brother cry.  Luke motioned her over, freed an arm and wrapped it around her.

“Nathan is having a tough morning, but it’s going to get better now,” he reassured her.

* * * * *

Nathan never hurt Lucy again.  A confession, however, was a bridge too far.  He never told a soul about what he’d done to her.  What he did do was to spend every day trying to make it up to her.  It was a concept he embraced – that you could have redemption.  You could make up for things you did wrong.  It wasn’t true.  Nothing could make up for it.

Still, to anyone bearing witness, he was a loving caretaker.  He might not always be the first up in the morning, but he insisted on feeding Lucy every evening.  It took several months before Lucy was not anxious to be with him alone.  He was still last on her list of preferred company.  But Nathan grew more attached by the day.  Taking care of her was a therapy of sorts.  Thinking about someone other than himself freed him.  He was more relaxed, less brooding. 

After a time, Sandra relented and Nathan began to see a therapist.  Molly went for a few sessions, but as expected, Sandra was reassured that Molly wasn’t in need of services.

Things had calmed down for a while, once the children were stable.  But without that as a point of contention between Luke and Sandra, they were faced with the reality of their relationship.  If the stressors were gone to a great extent and they were still not connecting as they once had, it was time to think about ending it.  Naturally Luke suggested counseling.  Sandra found humor in that.  It was one thing for the children, but not for her.  She didn’t need a counselor.  She’d made up her mind.

Luke would have stayed even without the counseling.  He would have stayed for the children.  He would have stayed for the possibility that he and Sandra could find a way to rekindle what they once had.  He would have stayed to avoid being alone.  With Sandra and the children, he had more willpower.  By himself, he knew it would be a tougher battle to stay sober. 

He would have stayed, even if it had meant an imperfect life, a less than ideal life.  People did it all the time.  If you could measure it out and see that the pros outweighed the cons, sometimes that was more than enough.  Enough for him, but not for Sandra. 

They agreed that she would take the kids out of the house for his moving out day.  Lucy watched him carting things out to the car.  At first when she she’d heard the jingling of keys, she thought she might be in for a ride, but not this time.  Once she realized that wasn’t happening, she sat and watched. 

With every load outside, Luke was removing a piece of himself from the home.  The smell of him was being boxed up and taken away until there was nothing left.

He could not take her with him.  She had become the center of Nathan’s world, the one constant in his life now.  And Molly would never forgive him if he took Lucy away.  The kids needed her.  He sat with her for a long time on moving day, stroking and talking to her.  She was as much family to him as the children and Sandra.  And he was losing them all. 

Finally, he embraced her a last time, rose and left the house.  Lucy went immediately to sit by the door.  He’d gone in and out all day.  Maybe he was coming back.  But then came the familiar clicking of the door locks.  The last of Luke gone from the house.  Nothing else to cling to.  She knew what this was.  She could feel it.  And as Luke reached for the car door came the unmistakable sound of a beagle’s howl.  It was a desperate plea, her way of begging him, “Don’t break my heart.”

He closed his eyes for a moment and opened them to feel warm tears on his face.  The sounds coming from the house and from the rescued beagle seemed to potently convey what an utter failure he’d become.  Climbing into his vehicle, he vowed that he would never be a dog owner again.  He pulled out of the driveway, Lucy’s cries now drummed out by the sounds of the engine.

* * * * *

Sandra had agreed that Luke would remain in the children’s lives.  He wanted that.  The kids did, too.  But like everything else, Sandra controlled the direction of the family.  She made it tougher and tougher for him to see them.  Time between visits stretched out further and further.  And when a new man came into Sandra’s life, that was it.  Luke was out of their lives in the blink of an eye.

For all intents and purposes, Lucy became Nathan’s dog.  He made sure that she was given the best of everything.  And over time, the memories of what he’d done to her faded enough that she would accept his affections.  It was a strange inevitability.  There was always something a little off about the way he smelled, something in the very manner of his being.  But a dog is completely dependent upon its caretakers.  And a beagle loves food, no matter who provides it.  Lucy received the best.

She managed to escape a few times, but never got far.  The yard was made secure enough to insure that she could not get out again.  The years passed and she stopped trying. 

Visitors would often comment about her calm nature.  But a keen eye might have caught something else in Lucy’s demeanor.  Dogs don’t hide their souls like humans do.  Hers was out for all to see.  And it was defeated.