Peace Kills

Praise for
Peace Kills:

“O'Rourke cut his teeth writing brilliantly caustic dispatches from the most war-torn parts of the world. He's in peak form with these pieces detailing America's seemingly insane foreign policy and offering a grunt's eye view of the mess in Iraq.” (Must Buy—4 stars out of 5)

—
Maxim

“O'Rourke is an actual conservative, with ideas and a conscience, as opposed to the stealth flacks staying on party message that often pass for conservatives in these Hannitized and Limbaughtomized days.”

—Zay N. Smith,
Chicago Sun-Times

“We are fortunate to have an erudite companion with a heavily stamped passport, a guy who can read and digest the wonkiest policy paper and still knows a good punch line when he sees one.”

—Patrick Beach,
Austin American-Statesman

“Although self-billed as an ‘investigative humorist,' O'Rourke's dispatches convey far more understanding and insight than more serious-toned pontificating.”

—Bill Virgin,
Seattle Post-Intelligencer

“The esteemed P. J. O'Rourke is a conservative but so funny liberals love him too.”

—Henry Kisor,
Chicago Sun-Times

“Some of the best work O'Rourke does is when he asks those put in harm's way to talk about it. … His technique is deceptively simple: He describes what he sees and then tells you what he thinks about it.”

—Joe Mysak,
Bloomberg Markets

“The senior satirist of the right returns to dissect foreign policy. … Checking out ravaged Iraq, his backgrounder journalism is first-rate and, reviewing a Washington Mall political demonstration, his color reportage is smartly selective and funny.”

—
Kirkus Reviews

“O'Rourke's essays—like Twain's—may well hold up long after the partisan battles of our age become dated and obscure.”

—National Post

“O'Rourke is one of the most articulate and reasonably honest journalists in the United States, with great dexterity at absorbing telling details and smacking a reader upside the head with a pointed but almost always funny simile. …
[Peace Kills]
possesses, besides clear and entertaining journalism, an admirable cascade of darts.”

—
Globe & Mail

“Like Tom Wolfe, he is not simply funny—he does his homework. … The result is a kind of satirical travelogue in which local mores are treated rather in the manner of Mark Twain, but with a tart political twist.”

—
The Sunday Telegraph

“O'Rourke is at his best when he concentrates on individuals rather than ideas. His vignettes are superb. … A gutsy polemic.”

—
Independent on Sunday

PEACE KILLS

ALSO BY P. J. O'ROURKE

Modern Manners

The Bachelor Home Companion

Republican Party Reptile

Holidays in Hell

Parliament of Whores

Give War a Chance

All the Trouble in the World

Age and Guile Beat Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut

Eat the Rich

The CEO of the Soja

P.J.
O'ROURKE

Copyright © 2004 by P. J. O'Rourke

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review. Any members of educational institutions wishing to photocopy part or all of the work for classroom use, or publishers who would like to obtain permission to include the work in an anthology, should send their inquiries to Grove/Atlantic, Inc., 841 Broadway, New York, NY 10003.

Published simultaneously in Canada
Printed in the United States of America

FIRST GROVE PRESS EDITION

“Homage to a Dream” from COLLECTED POEMS by Philip Larkin, edited by Anthony Thwaite. Copyright © 1988, 1989 by the Estate of Philip Larkin. Reprinted by permission of Farrar, Straus and Giroux, LLC, in the United States, and by Faber and Faber Limited in Canada and the UK.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
O'Rourke, P. J.

Peace kills: America's fun new imperialism / P. J. O'Rourke.
       p. cm.

ISBN 0-8021-4198-6 (pbk.)

1. United States—Foreign relations—2001- 2. United States—Foreign relations—1993-2001. 3. War on Terrorism, 2001- 4. War on Terrorism, 2001—Social aspects—United States. 5. Imperialism. 6. O'Rourke, P. J.—Travel—Serbia and Montenegro—Kosovo (Serbia). 7. O'Rourke, P. J.—Travel—Middle East. I. Title. E902.076 2004

973.931—dc22                                                 2003069505

Grove Press

an imprint of Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

841 Broadway

New York, NY 10003

05 06 07 08 09 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

In Memory of Michael Kelly

He could have advocated the war in Iraq without going to cover it. He could have covered it without putting himself in harm's way. But liberty is an expensive feast. And Mike was a man who always picked up the check.

1 WHY AMERICANS HATE FOREIGN POLICY

2 KOSOVO
November 1999

3 ISRAEL
April 2001

4 9/11 DIARY

5 EGYPT
December 2001

6 NOBEL SENTIMENTS

7 WASHINGTON, D.C., DEMONSTRATIONS
April 2002

8 THOUGHTS ON THE EVE OF WAR

9 KUWAIT AND IRAQ
March and April 2003

10 POSTSCRIPT: IWO JIMA AND THE END OF
MODERN WARFARE
July 2003

I like the places I write about. I enjoy the people. I've had a good time wherever I've gone, Iraq included. My subject, in a way, is pleasure. This is really a book about pleasantness, which is why I dedicate it to Mike Kelly. He and I were drinking one night—a pleasurable occasion—and I remember him saying, “Wouldn't it be
pleasant
if we could do something with the forces of evil other than hunt them down and kill them?” If we increased funding and reduced class sizes at the fundamentalist
madras
schools … If all the Mrs. bin Ladens had access to day care and prenatal health services … If, when Germanic hordes were threatening Rome, a Security Council meeting of the United Despotisms had been called, and Marcus Aurelius had pursued a multilateral foreign policy working in cooperation with the Parthians, the Huns, and the
Han Chinese … If Aztec priests had taken it on faith that their captives had a lot of heart… If Australopithecus and the sabertoothed tiger had engaged in meaningful dialogue …

How pleasing would the whole world be
,

If everyone would just say please
.

And thank you, too, of course. Thanks being what this part of a book is about. I thank Mike Kelly—a little late, as heartfelt thanks tend to be. But I assume that Mike is keeping current in Reporters' Heaven (open bar and porthole in the floor through which highly placed sources quoted on the condition of anonymity can be watched as they fry). A few years back Mike took over as editor of
The Atlantic
. I was writing for
Rolling Stone
, where my job was to be the Republican. After sixteen years even
Rolling Stone
had figured out that this made as much sense as offering readers a free bris. Also my excellent and long-suffering editor there, Bob Love, was about to head to someplace where “Marcus Aurelius” would not be mistaken for Beyoncé's latest brand of bling. Mike called and said, “I can pay you less.”

Most of this book originally appeared, in somewhat different form, in
The Atlantic
, first under the brilliant editorship of Mike Kelly, then under the brilliant editorship of Cullen Murphy. If you think the book good, behold what three short Irishmen can accomplish when they've lost the key to the liquor cabinet. If you think the book otherwise, assume that, after a certain amount of feeling around in the carpet, they found it.

The first chapter contains material from a piece that appeared in
The Wall Street Journal
, on the op-ed page then edited
by Max Boot—may he long give enemies of America a taste of his name.

I'm not sure that Bob Love would care to do that to Robert Bork. But it was under Love's stewardship of
Rolling Stone
that “Kosovo—November 1999” appeared with its Borkian pessimism, doubtless causing a puzzled tug of a lip ring and a quick flip of the page by more than one reader.

As important as getting “Kosovo” into print was getting there in the first place. Irena Ivanova and Biljana Bosiljanova of the Macedonian Press Center made all the arrangements. Nothing has ever been simple or easy in the Balkans except for my stay there, thanks to Irena and Biljana.

My old friend Dave Garcia came from Hong Kong to travel with me through both Israel and Egypt, just for the hell of it. (Luckily, no literal experience of the cliché was had.) Dave has a knack for finding tequila in the least likely places. Besides being good company, he is universally
simpatico
. The most foreign foreigners take to Dave immediately. He understands their point of view. It is Dave's opinion that everybody's point of view can be understood if you stipulate that everybody is crazy. When it comes to intelligent treatment of foreigners, Dave is the next best thing to Thorazine.

Not that it was always the foreigners who needed the psychiatric aid. Talking to Ashraf Kalil was therapeutic in helping me cope with that maddening city Cairo. Michele Lieber was a link to sanity on 9/11/01, as was the Palm restaurant in Washington, D.C., where I've been taking medication for years under the supervision of Tommy Jacomo, Jocelyn Zarr, and Kevin Rudowski. And, during the initial weeks of the Iraq war, I would have gone nuts from boredom if I hadn't had excellent companions with whom to crawl
the walls of Kuwait. Chief among these were Matt Labash and Steve Hayes of
The Weekly Standard
and the “room boy” at their hotel. The last shall go unnamed, but if any reader is offered the chance to direct a remake of
Thunder Road
set in Kuwait, please cast that young fellow in the Robert Mitchum moonshine-running hero role.

Alas, most of the time in Kuwait was passed sober, and there wasn't much to do but pass the time. Long conversations with pals when neither you nor they have had a drink can be a test of palship. I fear I received an “Incomplete.” Others passed with honors: Alex Travelli of ABC, Simon McCoy and Philip Chadwick of Sky News, Colin Baker of ITN, Ernie Alexander, Marco Sotos, Spanish documentary filmmaker Esteban Uyarra, and my friends Charlie Glass and Sal Aridi, whom I met at my virgin war, in Lebanon, twenty years ago.

ABC News, as it has many times before, allowed me into its Big Top and let me tag along with the parade of real journalists. I suppose they hope that one day I'll grab a shovel and clean up behind the elephants. In lieu of that, they gave me a part-time job as the world's worst radio reporter. (“This is P. J. O'Rourke in Kuwait City and not a darn thing is happening.”) My boss in Kuwait, Vic Ratner—a real radio reporter with the old-school voice and the AK-47 delivery—was more than welcoming and patient. Thank you, Vic, and thank you, Chris Isham, Burt Rudman, Peter Jennings, John Meyerson, Deirdre Michalopoulos, Wayne Fisk, John Quinones, and all the cameramen, soundmen, and technicians in whose way I constantly was. Here's to you, ABC News—don't let them make you wear those mouse ears on camera.