penance. a love story (The Böhme Series) (43 page)

I couldn't remember ever seeing that look on my mother's face. She haunted me with her hate and pain. But moving forward, I was sorry for her. I hate what she did to me, and forgiving her is so fucking hard, but I was beginning to accept the fact that she was wrong and in that realization I was learning to forgive her mistake. Not just in what she did, but in the words she said. The words have been the hardest to
forgive. It sounds easy to those who haven't experienced it. It should be easy to just stop thoughts constructed from lies. She told me I was worthless and could never be loved by anyone. All lies. But when lies are beaten into a person for so long, they become truth.

I wanted to move forward in my life.
  

Life. Before these last few weeks, I just existed. I felt lighter today and it wouldn't last forever, but it would last longer if I actively fought for it. Fighting for peace, that sounds like Orwell. I smiled to myself as I picked a bear up from Hannah's bed and thought of her. I envisioned a younger version of her hugging her pillow and making the soft little moans I heard her do in her sleep the other night. She slept peacefully last night and I wondered if it was from the same reason I did. We were letting go
together
.

"I kept both of their rooms just as they left them
,” Claire said, pulling me from my thoughts. "Hannah was never one to clean, not like Lily. She was too wild to worry about such things. Lily was always her shield and protector. I don't know if Hannah ever realized that, but even that day, Lily left the tree out of her need to guard her sister.” She picked up a photo of Hannah and Lily as little girls and turned it toward me.

"People thought they were twins
.” She smiled.

"I can see why. They look almost identical."

"It changed when Hannah hit puberty. She grew taller and Lily stayed her tiny self. They were inseparable, but then they drifted apart. I know it was because of what happened to Lily.” She quietly traced her finger along the frame. "I regret many things, Wynn. I don't want that for Hannah,” she said as she set the photo back on the desk.

"What do you mean, Claire?"

"I don't want her to live in guilt anymore. I don't want her to hold back anymore. I don't want her to live in fear of life. I want her to be wild again. I am forty-three years old and I have never lived. I love Henry, but I think we never let ourselves go. We ran from life."

"She's learning how to, we both are. I saw that wildness in her and she wants to be free. It takes time though
.” I laughed as I said the last part, reminded of how much Hannah hates hearing that things will get better in time. 

"I think you're helping her
.” She touched her hand to my cheek and I felt the frailty that came from losing everyone around her.

"She's helping me, too
,” I said as she nodded tight lipped, and looked away as her expression held pride for her daughter, but remorse for the years lost. "She misses your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."

"She what?" Claire laughed.

"She misses your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. She told me once that it was her favorite food. She became dreamy eyed as she spoke of them, I may have seen drool.” I gave her a sarcastic smile of concern and my comment brought another laugh from her as she smacked my shoulder and fluffed the pillows before leaving the room.

Sh
e continued laughing as she walked away. "That's something I can take care of for her."

I stayed after she left to look at the photos and drawings throughout Hannah's room. There were several cards with works of art pinned along the walls and what I was most curious of though, were her journals. I pulled one from her shelf and began to read a story of knights and dragons that she wrote when she was younger. The writing was small, and uneasy, but the words held determination.
 

The knight was a girl who hunted the evil dragon that invaded the castle. The dragon
instead of breathing fire though, cast words of hate at everyone in the village, leaving them with empty hearts. The little knight fought the dragon with her love, showing him that hateful words didn't help anyone. She recited words of love, patience, and peace through the songs she sang. The little village came back alive as the dragon began to cry and beg for forgiveness for the pain he caused. I smiled as I felt the imprint of the graphite to the paper and thought of how amazing Hannah has always been. 

"What are you doing, Wynn Hawthorne?" Hannah asked on a laugh as she came to sit by me on her bed.

"I'm just reading a story of your past quests."

"Mine
?" she asked as she took the book from me. “I've never written anything about me.” She flipped through the pages of her journal and paused on the dragon story I marked with my hand. Tears formed in her eyes as she saw which story I read. "This story isn't me."

"Of course it's you, Hannah. I could see you fighting a dragon
.” I smiled as I wiped tears from her cheeks and lifted myself to kiss the top of her head.

"When I wrote it, I envisioned Lily doing this. She could light up a room and brought peace into it with her. She was so serene in everything she did. Just being near her made you come alive. She truly cared about others and her singing could silence any evil dragon."

"I would have liked to have met her,” I said, running my hand through Hannah's hair.

She laughed
. “She would have liked you too. Not as much as I do, of course. But she would have liked you. She could read people well. She would have seen the truth in you. I think she would appreciate your intensity.” She intertwined our hands together and held them in her lap. Mindlessly running her fingers across my knuckles, she was drifting into her thoughts.

"Are you doing okay?" I asked.

She sighed and brought our hands together as we lay back on her old, twin mattress. "I don't know how I am right now. I'm preparing myself to watch my father die. How do you rationalize that? I mean, he's dying. We're all dying, I know that. But to have this definite, short time-frame in the air hanging over us is surreal. We are counting the days to the inevitable. I still have memories and pain that cling to me, but I also have this brightness clinging to the edge of my thoughts, waiting to make things right. I’ve been living wrong for so long, I can't grasp it and change the way my mind thinks overnight. I love my dad and I want to be here for both him and my mom, but I'm struggling."

"Be honest. Tell him what you just told me. Tell both of them and remember all you can do is take it by the moment. Just
be
with him."

"I don't know if I can forgive him
,” she said as more tears filled her eyes. "He took those years from me by not telling me about Lily. How could he do that?"

"I don't know how he did it. In his mind he must have had his reasons. You just have to decide now what is best for you—living his last days with him in resentment or in forgiveness."

"You are so damn amazing, Wynn,” she said as she laughed through her tears. "You’re sitting here so calm and collected about everything, despite what you yourself have gone through in life."

"You were the same with me last night, Hannah
.” I kissed her nose and took her face in my hands as I traced my fingers along her jaw and ears. She was beautiful. Her spirit was beautiful and it was a privilege to watch her as she came alive. She was finding herself and her path. I thought of my bomb diffuser friend, the explosion that I was feeling in my chest now was not one I wanted to fight. I wanted, needed, to let it consume me.

I needed Hannah with me, not only for this time to be with her father, but for the rest of our days here. We were young, it seemed crazy. But I knew her better than any other person on the planet. My quiet smile grew wider as I thought of how in love I had become. She got me, without explanation. We just were and I wanted it all.

We stayed upstairs for an hour until Claire asked me to come help her in the yard. I didn't know what I was getting into, but I agreed to help her. Hannah was still sitting on the porch with her father, where she was resting the entire afternoon after leaving her old bedroom. I would love to sit with her, but I needed to give her father and her the time they needed. I followed Claire outside because I wanted to help in any capacity they needed me. So I quietly watched the two of them sitting together on the porch as I finished mowing.

I parked their mower and looked over the field of flowers and tried to envision a young Hannah and her sister running through it. It made my heart ache to think of how peaceful the scene must have been. The contrast of the incident with Lily cast a shadow over the happiness. Each of them carried that, but
from what I learned of Lily I think she would want them to move forward.  

I ran my hand across the tops of the flowers as I turned a slow circle, enjoying the quiet the openness brought. I closed my eyes and turned my head to the sun and the warmth filled me. When I was a boy, I wanted to stay outside as long as I could and I hated the winter, because that meant being locked inside with my mother. I always loved the sun and how it could burn away the pain that radiated through me. But when I stood in the sun today, I felt it smile on me. There was a peace that washed over me as I heard Hannah's laughter coming from across the field. The sound intermingled with the quiet moment and there was no room left for pain.

I picked daisies and small sunflowers to bring up to the house for Hannah. This was not part of my usual behavior and foreign to me, but I didn't give a shit anymore. When I looked at those particular flowers they reminded me of Hannah.

When I approached the house, Henry pulled her in for a hug and whispered something in her ear. She laughed and then gave me her smile as she stood from the swing.
I think she took my advice and was forgiving him. I hoped she forgave herself as well.

She came toward me and as she came down the stairs, I pulled her into my arms and lifted her from the bottom stair, and I kissed her as if she were the keeper of the life that flowed through me. I set her back on the ground and gave her the flowers as she smiled a crooked smile at me.

"These are my favorite,” she said as she traced around their petals. "Did you know that?"

“No I didn’t know that
.” I kissed her nose. “But they reminded me of you.”

“I’m glad
,” she said as she turned them in her hands. “Do you want to know why they’re my favorite?”

“Of course
,” I said as I watched her put them to her nose with a twirl.

“Because they smile,” s
he said with a smile of her own that spread across her face. “Everyone thinks roses are what people should receive when in love and for some that may be true. But for me, daisies and sunflowers are the best representations of love. Roses are stuck up, but these flowers,” she said as she smelled them again. “These flowers smile and love the sun so much they open their arms wide to pull it in for a hug. That is true love to me. It isn't cheap or fake or stuffy. It’s just a smile and a hug filled with the warmth that brings life.”

I pulled her down for a hug, wrapping my arm around her shoulder and she leaned her head back against my chest as I kissed the top of her head. She turned to kiss my cheek, before turning to run in the house yelling to her mom for a mason jar
for the flowers. I smiled at Henry as I took the seat on the swing next to him.

We sat for a few minutes quietly watching the birds fly out over the field into the sun as it began to set.

“You’re a good man Wynn and I’m thankful for you. What you did yesterday for all of us, the way you spoke to me—I needed that,” he said as he nodded and watched the field.

“I love your daughter, Henry
,” I stated simply. “I’ll do anything for her.”

“I can see that you do Wynn and I’m certain you will.”

“I want to ask you something,” I started to say and he interrupted me.

"The
answer is yes, Wynn,” he said and I gave him a questioning look. “You want my daughter to be with you. You don't need my permission, that girl has a will of her own that no one can dictate where to point her. But as a father it's nice to give my input and the answer is yes. My time is short and I don’t want to spend it dragging out the inevitable," he said with a smile. “Are you going to marry her?"

I smiled at him
. “Yes, Henry, I intend to ask her. We love each other and we will be together for the rest of our days, so why wait? I realize it's sudden, but Hannah would want you to be there,” I said and held his eyes, he knew he was dying and hated when people tip toed around the fact. I respected the man, so I didn't show him the pity his daughter hated as well. I continued, "But when I was mowing I had a thought and wondered if you could help me with something.” I smiled.

His features turned mischievous as he smiled in agreement and we spent the next few weeks quietly planning without Hannah's knowledge.
 

After those few weeks, the day arrived that I was going to ask her to spend the rest of her life with me. She hadn't known why I asked her questions on what she always wanted her wedding to be like as a girl. She gave me a scowl the first time I mentioned it, I imagine it had to do with the abrupt change of topic to weddings.
Smooth, Wynn, smooth
. I resorted to directing more questions to Maggie, but she told me that I was doing all I needed to do by growing out my beard. I received the most help from Henry. Despite the distance he and Hannah shared for so many years, he really did understand his daughter.