Penelope and Ulysses (13 page)

PETROCULOS
and
AGATHY
are
speaking
together
discussing
an
alliance
to
work
together
so
that
they
can
outwit
the
other
suitors
and
PENELOPE.
If
AGATHY
shows
aggression
towards
PENELOPE,
she
will
ask
assistance
from
PETROCULOS,
sealing
the
deal
between
them:
they
both
will
share
in
the
region’s
wealth
.]

PETROCULOS: Look my boy,

you will have to overcome

your sexual impulses towards Penelope,

because if the other suitors find out

that we have hurt her in any way

or that we are working together

in terrorizing and befriending her,

they will kill both of us.

AGATHY: I understand.

We can’t seem to have an advantage

or spoil the balance of terror that is in place.

PETROCULOS: Penelope is to never suspect or know

of our conspiracy against her.

She must believe that she chose one of us

of her own free will.

All are here to make sure

that Penelope chooses one of them

and everyone here believes it will be he.

To disturb this “balance”

would cause chaos and murder among us,

and the strongest,

or the one who is not murdered in his sleep

will be left standing, and probably not for long.

Another factor that you have forgotten

is that your future wife, Penelope,

is also trained and disciplined

with the sword and rhetoric.

Therefore such a situation of disturbance

would give her the advantage.

AGATHY: You are saying that Penelope and her son,

The Doubtful as he is known,

would seize this opportunity

to organise and fight or manage to flee,

that some from the other islands

may come to assist her.

PETROCULOS: She is admired and wanted

by the men who have been here for ten years.

If they did not admire and lust for her

then at any time they could have

stormed and taken over her little Ithaca.

I tell you this woman has charm, wit, and seduction,

and let’s not forget she is as cunning and as clever as her Ulysses.

AGATHY: Yes! Yes! We must keep it in the law

or at least make it look as if we have not broken the law—

or not get caught when we are breaking it.

PETROCULOS: We must keep it planned, organised,

civilised and conduct ourselves as men with honour.

AGATHY: How do we conduct ourselves by night?

PETROCULOS: The night has not eyes,

and you can conduct yourself as you please,

as long as you do not get caught.

As civilised and cultured men,

we must convince all others, including Penelope,

that it is she who will make the decision.

AGATHY: Woman, making her own decision,

with her own free will!

I tell you, it is not healthy for her sexually.

My father told me to allow a woman

such freedom would affect her bodily fluids

and that she would become dry and frigid.

PETROCULOS: We must make all others believe

that we are following

the law of the land and our ancestors.

It is called politics, rhetoric.

Our civilisation is based on such lies and trickery.

You never reveal the real agenda

until you have the transaction of expansion and possession

sealed, netted, and bled.

AGATHY: I don’t bother myself

with such complicated political explanations.

My main drive is here [
puts
his
hand
on
his
genital
area
]

and I don’t need a sexual lecture

or political training from you, old man;

I know how to conduct myself with a woman.

I know what they want.

When they say no they mean yes.

It’s their way of being difficult,

to make a man wild with passion.

PETROCULOS: Who gave you this pearl of wisdom?

AGATHY: My father and my grandfather,

and I have watched the sheep and goats.

Women are similar. You have to overpower them

to make them feel wanted.

Women call this foreplay.

I see a woman, I tell her she is beautiful

like no other

and she believes me and is happy.

She says no,

I say yes,

she says no,

I say yes.

But eventually,

after a few minutes of such physical struggle,

she will please me sexually.

God, it has been a long time

since I have been with a young woman.

All the women on this accursed island

are as old as my grandfather,

and some of them look just like him.

PETROCULOS: Poor boy. Are you telling me

that Penelope’s handmaidens and servants

are not to your liking—or lusting?

Or are you telling me your charm

does not work with any of them?

AGATHY: You don’t have sexual needs like I do.

You are old and dried up.

I have been here for ten long years.

I came here when I was twenty-five,

on this accursed rock they call Ithaca,

and that woman in there

has refused me her bed.

I don’t think she is normal.

I am at the peak of my youth and sexuality,

and she refuses me as her husband.

PETROCULOS: Has anyone on this wretched island,

sunbaking in her courtyard,

been in her chambers?

AGATHY: I have tried to bribe one of her maids

to just let me see Penelope’s bedroom,

and all I got was

“There is something living in the mistress’s bedroom.

It is something that Ulysses left for her, and it is living.”

PETROCULOS: What do you think that is?

AGATHY: A wild animal that she keeps chained

to the bed or in the room?

How could she go without sex for so long?

I tell you she is not normal.

Any other woman would have been

running into my arms

begging me to have sex with her.

And it would have been I,

taking my time, setting the conditions

and convincing her that marrying me

was the best decision she had ever made

in her entire life.

PETROCULOS: Ulysses is dead.

The sea has consumed him

and spat him out as a dead fish on the shore.

AGATHY: I have more than what he had [
again
he
touches
his
genitals
].

I have youth and beauty

and a mighty healthy respect and appreciation of woman.

PETROCULOS: Has that tapestry not finished yet?

You can’t go near her room to find out.

AGATHY: You can’t go near her!

Have you ever tried walking beside her on one of her walks?

You can feel her concealed knife

that she keeps on her upper arm

rubbing against your ribs if you dare get near her.

As soon as that wretched tapestry is finished,

as soon as that useless material with threads is finished,

she will choose me,

and she will be lucky to have me

in her cold and empty womb.

PETROCULOS: Ah, the fire of youth!

So you are telling me what I already know.

Penelope does not find you an Adonis.

I cannot see why not!

She can probably hear your knuckles

scraping the ground as you approach her.

Let me amend that:

not only your knuckles but your full testicles also.

AGATHY: I thank you for telling me what is obvious—

that I possess male potency.

It has to do with your male glands,

and this gives off a certain odour

that women—any woman—finds irresistible.

I am a real man.

PETROCULOS: And is your aroma a seasonal thing?

Or do you have the good fortune

to have this sexual smell about you all the year?

AGATHY: Penelope lusts for me.

She just doesn’t want to have a war on her hands

among the suitors,

and she is following the law.

I am not like those others

who lie about in her courtyard

waiting to catch a glimpse of her

or to speak with her on her walks.

PETROCULOS: I heard one reading poetry to her,

another philosophy,

another comforting her about Ulysses’s absence.

AGATHY: I mean, what does all that courting prove?

Nothing. Not a thing.

It is all about sex.

And why wait for later

when you can have it yesterday or now?

My father told me the worst thing

you can do with a woman

is to give her too much freedom.

Well, that is how he explained it

when my mother ran away from him

with another woman!

PETROCULOS: And how did your father

explain the loss of your mother to another woman?

AGATHY: It was obvious

my mother could not find another like him

and she would remain faithful to him all her life.

That is why she chose a woman for companionship.

PETROCULOS: Have you not heard of Sappho from Lesbos?

AGATHY: I have heard of Lesbos the island,

but what is a Sappho?

Is it some type of food they eat there?

PETROCULOS: Agathy, Agathy, my boy.

Look upon me as your father

or at least your older brother

and take my advice concerning Penelope.

You are correct in observing

that she is not your
ordinary
, mediocre woman.

She has had philosophers and poets as teachers,

and Ulysses as her lover and advisor

who has encouraged her vibrant

and charismatic temperament.

She is respected by others in the region

for her patience, intelligence and wisdom

in the affairs of her home and country.

If that is not enough,

she is as accomplished in battle as you are.

AGATHY: Are you telling me

that I would have to swordfight with her

before she took me to bed?

What a woman!

She really knows how to consume, drain, and exhaust.

PETROCULOS: You would not be saying

that if you had her sharp blade pressing up your throat,

or better still—up your left testicle!

And as for her not having sex—

is she ever without Ulysses?

When I have spoken with her

I can see both of them swimming

in the sea of her eyes.

You will need more than what you know,

more and maybe less

than what your father has taught you about woman.

And do not watch the sheep or goats anymore!

They are seasonal, bad-tempered, and have a bad smell.

AGATHY: So what do you want me to do?

How does one seduce Penelope?

PETROCULOS: I don’t think you can seduce her.

I don’t think any man will ever seduce her.

She is like the stars in the sky.

You can look upon them

but you cannot change their direction.

And since we follow the stars

to find our way to the shore

and our way home

we also must follow Penelope

to find her weakness in the law,

her bed, her wealth and kingdom.

She has the ability to see into appearances

and is not fooled by flattery.

Her weakness is her son.

He is inexperienced in life and in battle

and reads poetry.

He depends on Penelope.

Her strength is Ulysses.

He is always with her even in his absence.

There is something living

and connecting between them—even in absence.

What we need to do

is to make sure she chooses me for her husband

when the time comes,

when this wretched tapestry is finished.

I have seen through her craftiness and cunning ways.

She is using the tapestry to gain time,

hoping that Ulysses will return in time.

AGATHY: He will not come back.

He is dead or swimming with the sirens.

And even if he does come back

I will make sure he is murdered

before he reaches Penelope.

Penelope
will
have to choose.

By being clever she has used the laws of the land

to protect her.

But now the laws of the land

will coil and coil around her pretty neck

and pull her into my bed.

[
Beat
]

And what do you mean—choose you?

PETROCULOS: Penelope must be forced, through fear

to choose me.

The other suitors out in the courtyard

do not have my advice and assistance.

They are too weak and feeble and disorganised.

They dote on her!

AGATHY: So you believe that between you and I,

we can net her and bind her

with the permanency of law.

I have observed that she does speak with you.

I hope you are telling her

that I am a Greek god,

even better than Ulysses.

PETROCULOS: What else could I be saying to her?