Perchance (19 page)

             
I leaned down and kissed her on the cheek, but closer to the corner of her mouth.

             
When I pulled out of the driveway, she was still standing in the same spot. 

             
What have I done?

             
I heard his truck pull out of the driveway. I heard the tires bump over the curb.  I heard the engine rev and I could hear him almost all the way to his house.  I could hear my heartbeat in my ears.  I could even feel the heavy palpitations in the tips of my fingers.
 
My neck and cheek were still feeling the impression of his mouth
and his hands
on them.

             
He did not say what I thought he said.  He did not.  Why would he say that?  Did he mean it? How did I let this happen? Did I love him?

             
I was still standing there
thinking it through when Aunt Brenda pulled into the driveway.

             
I was still standing there when she walked up to me and asked me what was wrong.

             
I was still standing there when the tears fell down my face and I told her.

             
“He told me that he was falling in love with me. What do I do?”
It all spilled out of me and when I confessed it I sounded like a child confessing to a wrongdoing.

             
“Oh honey, I could’ve told you that he loved you the first time he came over here.  And let me tell you one thing.  If you are standing here thinking that you don’t know if you love him or not, you’re fooling yourself.  You fell for him right here on this very porch.”

             
I blinked back the tears that were waiting their turn to appear.

             
“What do I do?” I whispered.

             
“What did you say to him?” She looked concerned.

             
“I didn’t. I stood here like some head case.”

             
“What do you want to
do Rem? You can’t just stand
there all night.”

             
“I know. I’m going in.” I went inside and took the longest hottest shower to date.  I went back into my room expecting missed calls and missed text messages, but there were none. 
It worried me and relieved me at the same time.  Time is what I needed.  I looked at the clock and it was already eleven.  I had eight hours to figure out what I was going to do. 

             
One thirteen a.m.
Yes I love him.

             
Two forty seven a.m.
I love him, but…

             
Three fourteen a.m.
I love him and I need to call him now.

             
Three fifteen a.m. 
I hope he forgives me.

             
I got home and parked the truck.  I stared at the spot next to me and couldn’t quite remember how I had progressed from her sleeping on me to leaving her on the porch confused and angry with me for telling her that I loved her or that I was falling in love with her.  My heart and my mouth had made a pact of sorts and had thought blocked my brain from interfering. 
A feeling was hanging on me like the sludge on my boots.

             
I got out of the truck and put away my stuff.  I changed clothes and didn’t even bother with a shower.  I just wanted to pass out.  Of course as soon as I hit the pillow I was wide awake.  I decided to call my Mom since she was usually awake all night even when she didn’t need to go to work. 

             
“Hi honey, are you ok?” She answered.

             
“No Mom, I’m not.” I felt like I had just ruined the best thing in my life.

             
“What happened Cooper? It can’t be that bad.  Tell me and we’ll work it out.”

             
“I told her that I was falling in love with her Mom.  I told her and I think I ruined everything.”

             
“Remi?” She asked.

             
“Of course Remi Mom.  Who else?” I barked at her. “I’m sorry Mom.”

             
“It’s ok.  So what did she do after you told her?” She asked calmly.

             
“She just stood there Mom.  I told her not to respond and to just listen and believe me, but I thought I would get something.  I would’ve even taken a slap in the face. Something.”

             
“But you’ve told me that she has this plan to get out there and be able to support herself.  I bet she wasn’t planning on moving there and falling for a guy in a little over two weeks right?”

             
“No, I guess not.  I’ve probably ruined it.  She will probably dump me tomorrow.”

             
“Cooper listen to me.  Ugh…I wish I could be there to hug you baby boy.  You’ve been telling me about this girl and your Dad has too.  According to him, and what he’s told me, she’s got it bad for you too.  So, let’s just assume that all of this is a shock to her and she just needs time to figure it out.  Don’t jump to conclusions, ok?”

             
“This sucks Mom.” I whispered.

             
“I know it does.  But I also think that you wouldn’t have told her that without some inkling that she felt the same way.  Give her time.  Let her deal with it in her own way.  She’ll come back to you I can almost promise.”

             
“I need to try to sleep.”

             
“It will all turn out the way it’s supposed to.” She said. 

             
“Bye Mom.” I hung up and grated myself over the coals for the next few hours until it was time to get up and start school.

             
I
drove to school almost detesting the car for once in my life.  She loved this car.  But I was driving her in a state
of the unknown wondering if Remi
loved me
or if we were done
. 

             
I
picked up Troy and he talked the entire way to school.  When we arrived he was still talking but I wasn’t listening.  I didn’t even get out of my car yet.  It was her turn to bring breakfast but I’m sure she didn’t even think about it.  I sat there while she made her way into school and then I didn’t go until the bell rang.  It was a
nancy move on my part, but I didn’t want her to feel pressured and I didn’t want to stress her out before school started.

             
I made it through my first three classes and then I was at a loss at what to do at lunch.  I went to look and at our tree was a bag.  I walked out and it simply had a note that said ‘Cooper’ on it.  I opened it and it was a sandwich and an apple.  I picked it up, walked through the cafeteria noticing that Remi was sitting at a table with Troy and Josie and then walked out of the cafeteria straight to the parking lot.  I got in my car and went home. 

             
Eric was awake when I got home and I explained the whole thing to him.  He sympathized with me but didn’t approve of me skipping my afternoon classes.  Especially since Remi’s aunt was one of my teachers.  Honestly, I just didn’t care.  I went up to my apartment and slept for about two hours.  When I woke up my head was pounding.  I went in search of some Tylenol and found some in Eric’s house. 

             
For the rest of the day I did nothing.  Not one thing.  I listened to Journey and Foreigner and sat in the chair tha
t she had sat at.  That
was the sa
me night
that she knocked on my door in her pajamas.  What I wouldn’t give to have her knock on my door right now. 

             
I got a text message.

             
Remi:
Open the door please.
             

             
I felt like garbage that had been thrown in the trash, gotten out, reused and trashed again.

             
What am I so afraid of?  He didn’t ask me to marry him or drop out of school to have his love children.  He
just told me that he was falling in love with me. 

             
I trudged through school.  He was avoiding me for sure.  I saw him pull into the parking lot a little later than usual and then he just sat in his car.  He didn’t wave or even look up at me.  He just sat there.  I felt like I had broken his heart and I would continue to until I could get up the nerve to tell him.

             
I went through my first three classes, trying as hard as I could to pay attention.  I knew that he was avoiding me so instead of looking lame by sitting alone at our tree, I just put his lunch there and went inside to eat.  Josie and Troy saw me and joined me so I didn’t have to be alone.  I saw Cooper walk outside to the tree. He stood there for a few minutes and then trashed my lunch, and walked through the cafeteria and then I stood up to see that he walked all the
way out to the parking lot, got in his car and left. 

             
The Blonde
Squad whispered and laughed
at me as if they knew it was going to happen the w
hole time.  I heard the Chrissie
one say something along the lines of ‘told you so’ but she was so very wrong.  This situation was all on me.

             
I went that afternoon to clean Edith’s apartment and she saw my face and I broke down right there.  I told her everything.

             
“I know you’re hurting honey girl. I know you are.  But that boy sounds like he’s not so tough either.  Have you ever considered that he’s as scared as you are?  Being scared together isn’t as bad as being scared alone, don’t you think?”

             
I know she meant to make me feel better but all it did was make me feel even more wretched.  I felt like I was always screwing up with him. I was going to make this right.  I was.

             
Later that night I finally got up the courage to do what I needed to do.  I told Aunt Brenda where I was going and she said she would rather me stay up all night than for her to see me moping around like I was.  I put on a turquoise tank and some cut off shorts and slipped on
some flip flops.  I grabbed my phone and Aunt Brenda hugged me and told me it was going to be all right. 

             
I tried to walk slowly, but my whole body knew where I was going and it rushed me along like it was as happy as my heart was to get to him and see if I could salvage what I had done. 

             
The lights in his apartment were on and as I walked up the stairs I could hear his music.  I knocked on the door, but there was no answer.  I tried again…nothing. 

             
I finally texted him.

             
Me:
Open the door please.

             
In a flash the door flew open.  He looked tired and just awful.  He looked like I felt and I’m sure I didn’t look so hot.
There were circles under his eyes and his hair was a mess, but a sultry mess.

             
“Are you ok?” He said.  Leave it to him to be worried about me.

             
“No, I’m not.  Can we talk?”

             
“Yeah, of course.” He opened the door wider and I sat in the same chair I had before.