Perfect (46 page)

than I ever knew a body could be used,

in exchange for everything I’ve ever

wanted—a runway career. Designer

clothes. And eventually, lots of money.

Haven’t seen any money yet, and

I haven’t walked a runway. But it’s coming.

Gilles says so. Xavier keeps saying so

too. And once my career takes off, I won’t

ever have sick, disgusting sex with

someone like Gilles again. For now,

I’ll deal with it. Go hungry for it.

Run miles and miles for it. Take pills

that help me accomplish it. But I won’t

go to prom. I’m not a kid anymore.

Jenna, On The Other Hand

Is
going to prom. I’ve never seen her

quite this excited at playing dress-up.

God, I love my dress. Don’t you love

my dress? Took me hours to find it,

and I had to keep trying stuff on, and

you know how much I hate shopping….

“Slow down, girl, or you’re going

to hyperventilate. Let me see how

it looks on.” She changes into a short,

strapless sapphire blue number, with

a gathered bodice cut so low she just

might come popping out. “Uh, wow.

Yeah, that’s an amazing dress. It’s a little

tight up top, but we could let it out some….”

It could be a little longer, too, but I know

she’ll fight me on that. One battle at a time.

And anyway, I have to admit her legs

look great, even if they
are
size nine/ten.

“You did good. Andre will love you

in this dress. How are you … what?

I’m not going with Andre. He has

some dance thing that night.

Bobby Duvall is taking me. Andre

doesn’t know. Don’t tell him, okay?

She can’t be serious. “Bobby Duvall

is a creep, Jenna. And what if Andre

does
find out? You don’t want

to break up with him, do you?”

Not really. But I don’t know if

I want to be tied down, either.

“But … he really loves you.”

I would have done anything to make

Conner love me like that. Anything.

“You wouldn’t throw that away for

someone like Bobby, would you?

Real love shouldn’t be disposable.”

I’m too young for real love. Anyway,

of course it’s disposable. Look at Mom.

She trashed twenty years of real love.

Or maybe she was faking it all along.

A gasp in the doorway jerks us

both around. Mom is standing there,

close to tears. Angry tears.
How dare

you talk about me like that! How dare

you judge me! I loved your father more

than anything on this earth, except you.

Jenna shakes her head.
Oh, really?

Why did you leave him, then?

Mom Draws Farther

Into the room. She is trembling as she

sits on my bed.
Look. I tried to keep

most of this from you because I didn’t

want to damage your relationship

with your father. The truth is, he was

sleeping with Shiloh while we were

still together. His drinking was out of

hand, and things were sliding downhill

before I ever met Patrick. You have

to remember the fighting….

I do. Yelling and screaming in

the middle of the night. The muffled

sound of Mom crying. “You should

have told us. We thought … you …”

I know. I should have. I wanted to

protect you, but that was a mistake.

Jenna looks ready to cry too.
So I was

right about this wedding. It’s bullshit.

No,
says Mom.
It’s for the best. Your

father hasn’t exactly quit drinking, but

he’s doing better, because of Shiloh.

Look. Do you know why I push you so

hard to reach for your dreams? Because

I don’t want you to ever have to rely on

someone else to take care of you. I stayed

with your dad long after it was clear that

he didn’t love me anymore, mostly to keep

a roof over our heads. Patrick was

an unexpected gift. I married him right

away so I knew we’d be okay. Safe.

Provided for. And loved. He
does
love us,

even if it doesn’t always seem that way.

I Have No Clue What To Say

Neither, it seems, does Jenna. Mom

saves us trying to figure it out. She gets

up off the bed. Starts toward the door.

Pauses. Turns, says to Jenna,
You look

beautiful, by the way. But your skirt

is a little too short.
She leaves us in

stunned silence. Finally Jenna says,

Unzip me, okay?
She shimmies out of

the dress. I have pills that would help

her fit into it better, but don’t mention it.

We are both quiet as she changes

back into sweats, hangs the dress

on a satin-covered hanger,

carefully, as if it might fall to pieces.

Fall To Pieces

Like her. Like me. Like how we thought

of our family, until just a minute ago.

I break the silence. “The skirt
is
a little

too short. Good thing you’ve got legs

that can wear it. But I still think it’s

wrong that you’re going with Bobby.”

I’m only going with him so I can go.

I know he’s kind of a creep. And I know

it would hurt Andre if he found out.

And I know he loves me. But I’m not

good enough for him. I don’t get why

he loves me, but even if I did, I wouldn’t

let myself love him back because love

is like summer. It only lasts so long.

Only so long. Then it’s gone, fallen

to pieces. Fallen like autumn leaves.

Sean

Pieces

That’s all that’s left of

my carefully created dreams.

Shards. Slivers. Splinters,

driven into what remains of

my heart.

What’s really bad is,

it doesn’t hurt anymore.

At least, when I was still

in pain, I knew

my brain

was working. No one lived