Perfect (49 page)

I have no idea what they’re talking about,

and I’m starting to feel

like scenery. “Going for beer. Want one?”

Jenna rolls her eyes, meaning, “Duh.”

I start through the sage

toward the keg. As I go, I hear Bobby

say,
So that’s the dancer? What do

you see in him?

Aren’t all guy dancers, like, gay?

Everyone laughs, and I’m glad I’m

gone, though I might

like to be a mosquito on Bobby’s arm.

A big mosquito, proboscis jammed

deeply into an artery.

Except, wait. That sounds vaguely gay.

Suddenly It Occurs To Me

That not only has Jenna talked about

me, she considers me

a dancer. Have I been labeled? Branded?

I fill two cups, return to the group, hand

Jenna her beer.

Don’t think she needs it. Between the dope

and the tequila, she is weaving. I put

an arm around her

shoulders to steady her. “You okay?”

She nods, but doesn’t look so hot. I pull

her closer, put my mouth

against her ear. “We can leave if you want.”

Bobby shoots me with a jealous glare.

So … dancer. Thanks

for loaning me your girl the other night.

“The other night? Wha …” Before he can

clarify, Jenna jerks forward

and in one gigantic heave, up comes dinner.

Cara

One Gigantic Heave

Of planet, one massive

yank of gravity, one

magmatic tidal wave.

The ground

shakes.

A silent passing,

moon bold in rotation,

a shadowy eclipse.

The sun

disappears.

Kiss meets kiss, a mist

of eloquence, a gathering

of storm clouds.

The rain

begins to fall.

A lift of hips, upwelling

in the belly. A torrent

in the V of opened thighs.

The earth

moves.

Other People

Have always seen me as strong.

That was a lie. A charade. A disguise

I wore to keep me safe in public.

The truth is, I’ve always been afraid

of letting anyone get too close. I

built a wall around me, a barricade

to hide behind those few times

someone wanted entry to my heart.

Love, I thought, was the biggest

fraud of all. Sleight of hand,

designed to hold you, cage you,

when flight suited you well.

But my wings are unfolding, and

I’m learning to fly beyond the barrier

of fear. There is freedom in love.

But not if you have to hide it.

Not Much Chance

Of that anymore. I even had to

come out to my parents. Because

of the mess with Sean, there wasn’t

much else I could do. Not if I wanted

him stopped. Dani and I talked it

over, and I saw that she was right

when she told me the best way

to fight all the ugly gossip was to

admit it happened. And that took

the power away from Sean. Once

I accepted that, I knew the only

way to keep him out of my life

forever was to file a police report.

To manage that, I had to involve my

mom and dad. It took more than

one try to break down and do it.

First I had to find a time when

they were home, together, and in

relatively passive moods. Then

I had to tether doubt and fear.

The Day The Stars Aligned

I found them in Dad’s study, writing

a letter. Together. Totally weird.

Dad looked nervous. Mom, focused.

“May I come in? What are you doing?”

We’re composing a letter to Conner
,

said Dad.
He’s supposed to head out

on a wilderness challenge. Personally
,

I doubt it will do much good, but

the letter is for when he has almost

made it through. Incentive to conquer

the mountain, so to speak. Now
,

what can your mother and I do for you?

I almost lost my nerve. Conquering

my own mountain was looking less

and less likely. But if I would have

blown that chance, I might never have

even tried to get a handle on my life, so

I reached way down deep into my small

stash of courage and said, “This is

important, and I can’t keep it to myself

anymore.” Mom didn’t even glance

up from the letter. I plunged ahead

anyway. “I’ve struggled for years

to come clean about this, first to

myself, and now, to you. Mother,

could you please look at me?” Had

she
ever
really looked at me? Dad

at least pretended like he cared.

Mom finally drew her eyes up level

with mine. “I know this is not on your

Top Ten Qualities In A Daughter list.

But I am a lesbian.” It didn’t sink in for

a good long time, and when it did, it

only sank so far.
Are you saying you’re

attracted to women?
asked Mom.

I wouldn’t worry too much. Lots of

adolescents experiment with same-

sex play. That doesn’t make you

homosexual. But please don’t let it

get in the way of a normal relationship
.

It Was The “Normal”

That got to me. “For your information,

Mother, I am way above ‘normal,’

which means average. And this

is not experimentation. This is love.

I’ve fought the ‘who’ of me for years.

I wanted you to know the truth, but

if you’re not mature enough to handle

it, I don’t care. This is who I am—

Straight-A, top of my class, Stanford-

bound
lesbian
. There’s something else

I really need to tell you, but if you can’t

handle this yet, I’ll wait to bring it up.”

Mom just sat there staring with

blue diamond eyes. It was Dad

who said,
Of course we want to

know what you need to tell us
.

The part about Sean and the pictures

wasn’t quite as hard to admit. Guess

the worst part was over by then.

“Dani said I should press charges….”

Mom’s eyes grew steadily more

severe.
I think it best to let it drop
.

If this becomes public knowledge
,

the media will smear it all over

the headlines. Our reputation will

be ruined. Bad enough we had to

deal with all the flak about Conner
.

She straightened her blouse, as if it

had been wrinkled by the very idea

of her children disgracing
her
name.

The resistance only made my resolution

stronger. “Very sorry to shame you,

Mother. But he’s stalking me, and

it has to stop. To tell you the truth,

I’m afraid of him. I don’t know

what else to do but file a report.”

Dad stepped in.
If the boy is stalking

you, of course you must go to

the authorities. These things can end

badly. I have a friend on the force…
.

He Made A Call

His friend agreed my decision was

the right one. It was the first time

in a long time that I can remember

one of my parents supporting me.

Mom went back to composing her

letter without another word. Later,

she and Dad had a knock-down,

drag-out argument. About Conner.

About me. About cops on the doorstep

and Mom’s reputation and if safety was

an even trade-off for what the neighbors

might think. About sexual orientation.

What it means to me. Whether I am.

How I could know. Who the hell is this

Dani? What my coming out will mean

to them. To coworkers. The bridge club.

When things quieted, Mom took two

Valium and went to bed, while Dad hit

the scotch and watched TV. And

because that letter was stuck in my head,

I sneaked into Dad’s study and found

it, finished, on his desk. What struck

me first was Mom’s perfect cursive

and how she cut right to the chase:

Conner: Hope all is going

well for you, and that your

time in the outback has kept

you fit. You must excel at your

football tryouts. They expect

you to fail. I’m sure, however,

you’ll prove them very wrong.

One small detail, which I’ll mention

here: You have some makeup work

to do to keep you on track

for your graduation. If you

pursue it diligently this summer,

you won’t have to play catch-up

in the fall. By the way, your father

and I have sent applications

to all the colleges on our list.

All you have to do is maintain

your GPA and, of course, score