Perfectly Flawed (3 page)

Chapter
4

A
year later . . .

In the dark, Adrianna gasped and bolted upright, not knowing at first where she was. Clammy skin and a feeling of fright were her first awareness. She breathed rapidly, her heart pounding, the attempt to orient in the dark creating a feeling something horrible had happened.

Then a glimpse into the present reminded Adrianna she was at her aunt’s house. Her father wasn’t here. She was okay; she was safe. But she didn’t feel safe, only afraid. The overpowering fear settled into anxiety followed by depression. It was the same dream again.

“
No! Stop!
” Adrianna tried in vain to close off the vivid dream, but it wouldn’t go away. It was like she was there all over again. Gripping the sheets, she took a few breaths.
Calm, be calm
.

The knock on her bedroom door made her jump. “Are you okay, honey?”

“Yes,” she said hoarsely. “I’ll be okay, Aunt Krista.”

“I heard you shout.”

“It was just a dream. I’m sorry I woke you.”

“Okay, honey. Call if you need me.”

It was the same thing, too often. The dream, waking in terror. Adrianna thought when she left home the nightmares would stop. But they didn’t. They were less frequent, but just as violent. She couldn’t even cry anymore.

She needed an outlet, anything. Sliding out of bed, Adrianna went to the bathroom for a drink of water. Flipping on the light, she looked at her face and didn’t like what she saw: pale skin, tousled hair, and fear in her eyes. Gulping some water, she tried to release her mind from the dream still clinging to her like gloomy mist.

Closing her eyes and holding on to the edge of the marble sink, Adrianna whispered, “It’s not happening now. I am okay. It’s over.” And then again: “It’s not happening now. I am okay. It’s over.”

Would it ever be over?
Maybe it wouldn’t and she’d have to live this way forever. The torment of that idea dragged her mood down further. A frightening dream she could get over, wake up from; life, she couldn’t.

Frustrated and not inclined to go back to sleep, Adrianna went to her desk and booted up the computer. A
distraction, that was what she needed. Graphic design, the colors, the pixels would pull her into their vibrant scheme. Hours later, she would have new creations. Lately, it had worked.

Next to the monitor was her silver letter opener. It caught her eye, the sharp point gleaming in the muted desk lamp lighting. Her skin tingled, and she imagined it piercing into her delicate skin. For a moment she couldn’t avert her eyes from it. Then suddenly, pulling from some hidden reserve of sanity, Adrianna brushed her hand across the desk, sweeping the implement off, letting it clatter to the floor.

She hugged her body and took a big breath.
I can do this
. She proceeded to log in to her programs to get to work. Deadlines were coming up. This would work out, extra time on the computer. Slowly, she became engrossed with the intricacies of design, solving those problems instead of real-life issues that refused resolution.

A few hours of work before dawn led to hours more after the sun rose. In the nine months since graduation, Adrianna had already managed to get a couple of clients that used her regularly for their graphic needs. She was pleased; if things kept up like that, she’d be able to get her own
apartment soon.

Finally, Adrianna showered and made her way to the kitchen. Alone, since her aunt was working at the gallery, she made coffee and scrambled some eggs. Her aunt didn’t need to work—or so Adrianna guessed—but preferred to. As a lover of art, Krista found her work in the gallery interesting and rewarding.

That was something Adrianna understood, loving graphic art as she did, and something that annoyed her father for reasons she couldn’t fathom. Actually, she was glad her aunt had left already, as she did not want to talk about the night’s disruption.

Of course, her aunt suspected something was wrong, but Adrianna didn’t want to discuss it. Talking about it would open the floodgates of emotion. It was difficult as it was to keep her tendencies under control. There was no chance talking to Krista would do anything but more harm.

*****

Adrianna sat on the white velvet sofa with her knees pulled up, looking down at the red patterned oriental carpet. The doorbell startled her out of reverie. Leaping up, she went to greet Kevin. Prompt as always, he’d arrived exactly at six to pick her up for dinner.

“Bye, Aunt Krista,” she yelled, then opened the door and stepped outside.

Kevin stood on the porch, hands in his pockets. “Ready?” he said. His brown suede jacket hung, just so, over the blue cotton shirt that matched his eyes. Cut stylishly, his brown hair fell below the ear, spiking in just the right spots, like he’d been prepped for a photo shoot.

It occurred to Adrianna that he was exactly the type of man her parents would approve of: Protestant, rich, good looking. So why did she sometimes find him annoying?

Kevin had gone out of his way to be nice the first few months they’d dated. When Adrianna moved in with her aunt, it was a while before she’d felt like going out. But
Cari, being a best friend, had urged her to socialize, and she’d met Kevin at a party.

“Yeah, ready.” Adrianna forced a smile but the somber mood from the predawn hours still clung to her, despite her working all day and trying to get free of its oppression.

Kevin’s jaw stiffened; his eyes glowered. At least that was what it looked like to Adrianna. “What are you wearing?”

“My new outfit, why?”

“It makes you look…too bosomy.”

As if the day wasn’t bad enough, he had to criticize. One thing she hated was to be criticized; she’d had too much of it all her life. Adrianna glanced down at the fitted bodice of her short dress. It was a shimmery blue color, and accented her figure. She liked it. “Well, I’m wearing it. So, are we going or not?”

Cari and her boyfriend, Samuel, were meeting them at the club. They needed to get going. Adrianna bounced down the steps and waited for Kevin. He shook his head and followed.

“You could at least wear a coat,” he called after her. It was going to be that kind of evening, she guessed.

Chapter 5

Coming from the well-lit exterior to the dark interior blinded Adrianna until her eyes adjusted. She didn’t know why Kevin cared what she wore anyway. With the blue, green, red, and orange strobes playing across the dance floor like colorful tubes of light, it was hard to see clothing that clearly. Colors were distorted by the rainbow beaming through the room, alternating with total darkness when the lights dimmed.

The after-hours dance club called Polarize was near many institutions of higher learning, and catered to students and the under-twenty-one crowd. No alcohol was served, which made little difference to Adrianna. She didn’t drink anyway. She had her reasons.

Kevin paid the cover and guided her inside, followed by
Cari and Samuel. Dancing was one of their regular weekend activities. And for Adrianna, the rock music drowned out the world. She got lost in the songs every time they went dancing, and the trendy club was one of her favorites.

Even the
smell of the place—sweaty bodies, too much perfume, and cheap air freshener used to mask the first two—made Adrianna relax. Being away, lost in a crowd, hidden in the darkness, carried away by the loud music, was as close as she got to pleasure. Barely noticing Kevin, she hit the dance area and started moving.

The dress she’d worn was a good choice: light material to keep her cool, short to allow for movement, and cute so she could feel sexy. Looking through an orange light beam, Kevin’s beige pants and short-sleeved shirt turned rust-colored before her very eyes. He looked better, she thought. Though handsome, he tended to dress too conservatively. A little orange did him good.

The DJ’s choice of the Foo Fighters’ “The Pretender” suited Adrianna. It was one she listened to a lot. Rock just didn’t get better, and the group refused to be like everyone else; that was evident in their music. “Absolute genius,” Cari had called the song, and it was.

When not completely absorbed in the lyrics, Adrianna took in the crowd. Dresses, fitted, short, and shimmery, and guys in pants, tight in all the right places, caught her eye. There was no dress code, so the attire ranged from attractive to raunchy with everything in between. Hairstyles were all over the chart as well: long, fluffed-out curls to short, choppy cuts. Adrianna considered doing something radical to hers, but kind of liked the long blond look.

The music slowed and Kevin put his hands on her waist, making her notice him. The lights turned dark blue, giving him a fantasy look. He smiled and started moving with the music. Adrianna moved with him, considering how nice he was to her—most of the time. He opened doors, bought flowers sometimes, was polite, and took her to good restaurants. So why didn’t she feel anything? At least, not like she should have.

In the beginning, his handsomeness attracted her, and she still thought he was cute, in a preppy sort of way. Maybe things would develop. Did it always have to be love at first sight? Couldn’t things build? Maybe he would grow on her. Admittedly, he had a lot of desirable qualities; likely she was too picky when she had no right to be. On that note, she decided to try and have a good time with him.

One reason Adrianna frequented that particular club was the DJ’s music picks. He went from Foo Fighters to Evanescence singing “What You Want” and on to Avenged Sevenfold’s “Buried Alive,” a true masterpiece. Losing all track of time, Adrianna danced hard, throwing herself into the beat. She even smiled at Kevin—more than once.

Sweating and breathing hard, she nodded when
Cari grabbed her elbow and pointed toward the back door. Outside was a patio where dancers could catch their breath, cool down, and get something to drink. Samuel had Cari by the hand, leading her out, and Adrianna followed with Kevin’s palm on her back, guiding her.

The dim patio was missing the flood of lights they’d left, and momentarily it was a shock to the system. Spotting an empty table near the railing, Adrianna pointed. “There’s a place.”

Samuel wound around tables and people, leading them to the open spot. His sandy blond hair was still spiked up with gel, and when he turned to face them, Adrianna could see the sweat soaking his shirt. She could see why Cari liked him. With his green eyes, blondish hair, and lean body, he was a charmer. The fact that he had a good sense of humor, and liked to have fun, especially by dancing, gave him extra marks in the good column.

Cari
looked as stick thin as ever, as annoying as that was. Adrianna had been known to starve for weeks, and never achieve the coveted emaciated look that her friend maintained with no effort. And her eyes weren’t just blue; they had a gray undertone that made them exotic. It didn’t hurt that Cari had big eyes, and the multiple layers of mascara slathered on her lashes gave her a fashion-model look.

“I like your dress,” Adrianna said as they sat down. The shimmery gold sheath clung to
Cari’s slender body, finding no curves or bulges to mar the endless glitter. Adrianna had long legs, but her friend’s borderline too-skinny legs seemed to go on forever.

“I just got this. It’s a Natalie Baker Design.”

“I love her stuff. We have to go shopping.”

“Totally.”

The server, dressed in a white stretchy top and black skirt that barely hit her upper thighs, came by and took orders. The music boomed in the main room, but was barely heard on the relatively quiet patio. Adrianna wished she were dancing again, preferring it over too much conversation. Sometimes she wondered if she had issues about interacting with others, or if she was just sick to death of it from all the events and parties her mother had dragged her to.

The cool evening felt good; as they were heated from dancing, the briskness was refreshing. Spring hadn’t quite arrived, so the weather could vary from cold to warm. Even snow was a possibility that early in the year. But that night the temperatures were mild, as Boston went, and the outdoor area stayed pleasant due to patio heaters and tables of overheated dancers out to catch some air.

At least she had Cari, her best friend all through school. That made any social encounter better. Adrianna leaned toward shyness, and Cari was the opposite, outgoing and sometimes boisterous. Hanging with her took the pressure off. Conversations never lagged with Cari around.

“So, how’s college?” Adrianna took a sip of her Coke.

“Uh, you know, boring mostly. I don’t even know what I’m going to major in yet. My mom insisted that I go to Boston College and live at home. I don’t know why I agreed; I should have gone away to college. I’m never going to get away from my parents.”

“At least you have nice parents.” Adrianna heard Samuel discoursing on cars he lusted for, and saw Kevin nodding, offering comments at the appropriate times.

“Yes, but I envy you. How is it with your aunt?”

“Good; she’s nice and doesn’t meddle. She works, so we don’t even see each other much. I need to get my own place, though.”

“Your dad would help you.”

“No.
Definitely not.”

“You are so stubborn.”

“I am not having my father pay for anything. Then he will think he owns me. I’m on my own. I can do it myself.”

“You could still go to college, you know.”

“It’s not for me. I’m sick of school. No offense. I’m happy for you, that you are going to a good college. But I just want to pursue my art.”

“You’re still doing well with your graphic art?”

“So far. We’ll see. I’ve been getting a few clients, nothing too impressive. But something could open up.”

Kevin heard the mention of graphic art, and took advantage of a lull in the conversation with Samuel. “Adrianna does impressive work. I’ve seen some of it.”

Adrianna smiled at him, even exuding warmth at his support. “I’m learning. Getting better.”

“Although I have tried to encourage her to attend Northeastern University with me.
Their investment-banking program is top notch. I still don’t know why you won’t consider it, Adrianna, especially since it’s your father’s field. I’m sure he’d use his contacts to secure a good position for you.”

“No way.
I’m not doing investment banking. I’ve already told you that. I don’t know why you’re bringing it up now. The last thing I want is to ask my father for anything.”

“But he’d be pleased to pay for your education. I’m sure he would. Any father would,” Kevin persisted, oblivious to Adrianna’s increasing ire.

“Forget it.”

“I can see where Adrianna’s coming from,” Samuel said. “I think each of us should follow our own talents. Not everyone wants to work in banking, you know, even if it is a lucrative field.”

“Exactly.” Adrianna appreciate the shift in viewpoint. “Just like you, Samuel. Your dad is an attorney, but I know you shunned that idea.”

“I’d make a lousy attorney. I’d hate it: hot, claustrophobic courtrooms, all the stress,
trials. I saw my dad do it for way too long. He was never home, never had time for us, worked himself to death. I’ll take a career in computers over that, away from dealing with people incessantly and having to be ‘up’ all the time. Give me a hunk of wires and circuitry any day.” Samuel laughed and slugged down the last couple of inches of his non-alcoholic beer.

“Technology, you can’t miss with that,”
Cari offered. “That’s something that will last long into the future. Too bad I have no knack for it.”

“You have other talents.” Samuel grinned and kissed
Cari’s hand.

“Now, don’t you be
tellin’.” She grinned, and squeezed Samuel’s hand. “Let’s dance. I’m done discussing careers. It’s making me tired.”

Cari
stood, and smoothed out her glittery dress, then took Samuel’s hand and walked in graceful strides toward the door, despite her three-inch heels.

“We’ll be there in a few minutes,” Kevin called.

“I’m ready to go in. Are you almost done with your drink?”

“Yes, almost.
I just thought we could talk for a minute.”

“Okay.” Adrianna emptied her glass, more for something to do than thirst, uncomfortable with Kevin’s intimate tone.
“About what?”

“Well, we’ve been dating for a few months now.” He paused, and Adrianna wasn’t sure she liked the look in his eyes.

“Yes, we have.” She tried to sound casual, but didn’t get that feeling from her date.

“And I…I really like you.” The expression he gave was killer, but a little too much on the endearing side.

Adrianna hated
talks
. All through school she’d had boys do all kinds of goofy things. Why did they have to “like her” like her? Why couldn’t they just have a good time? She was unable to think of a suitable response—every one that came to mind seemed so familiar, like she’d said it over and over—so she kept quiet. Better see where this was going.

“I’m not sure how you feel.” Kevin furrowed his brow.

“I didn’t want to have a serious talk tonight. I just want to dance.”

“But how do you feel, Adrianna?”

“I just…I don’t know. Do I have to know…right now?”

“No, I guess not. But I was thinking maybe we could go away together next weekend. My parents have a vacation place. It would give us some time alone…to get to know each other better.” The subtly pleading tone bugged her.

So far Adrianna had avoided taking the next step with Kevin. They’d kissed and made out a little. The idea of doing more had come up, but she’d put it off. Explaining her feelings was…complicated.

“I don’t think so, Kevin. I’m sorry. You’ve been very nice to me. I know that. But I’m just…not ready.”

“When will you be?” Kevin’s tone was terse.

“I don’t know that either.”

In the silence that fell between them, Adrianna became aware of the noise level on the patio. All the talking, laughing, and the clinking of glassware was a cacophony of sound. It made the tense moment between them all the more pronounced. This was the kind of situation Adrianna hoped to avoid. Possibly it would have been better not to date. But then Cari always urged her to go out, encouraging her to meet the right guy.

Kevin leaned back in his chair and ran his hands through his perfectly cut and groomed hair. He sighed heavily. “I didn’t mean to pressure you.
Really. I’ll give you time. But know that I do want more.”

“I know, Kevin. I understand.” Despite holding her ground, Adrianna felt bad; admittedly she wasn’t the easiest person to deal with. In truth, she didn’t know if she was being fair to Kevin. To him it was clear. They dated and got along, so that naturally led to more. But it wasn’t like that for Adrianna. It probably never would be.

Kevin reached over and took her hand. Then, pausing to look into her eyes, he leaned closer, his lips less than an inch from hers. Adrianna didn’t back away. He kissed her softly, and lingered. She could tell he wanted more. But feeling nothing, she didn’t part her lips to encourage him, merely kissed him back.

Separating, Adrianna stood up. “I’d like to dance.”

Kevin stood and put his arm around her waist to go back to the dance floor. She wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t call again. There would be no way to blame him for that. Kevin probably should find a woman that was more affectionate, more…a lot of things, and dump Adrianna.