Perilous Pleasures (22 page)

She looked up at him, eyes filled with tears of anticipation. "Yes, but every time you've made love to me, all I do is count the hours until you'll be back here with me. Last night was a very long night."

"Then we'll have to make up for it now." Stefan shrugged out of his shirt and trousers and sat on the bed. "I'm sorry, sweetheart," he said. "I'm not being a very considerate husband, but since I couldn't stay with you all night, I didn't want you to think that I only came to you for my gratification. You deserve more than that."

"Don't go getting philosophical on me," Joanna said. "I may deserve a lot of things, but what I want is you in my bed right now, for my gratification. And you cannot do what I want with your drawers on, so would you please remove them."

 
Stefan stood and slipped of his drawers. "How's that?"

Joanna stared at him. "Actually... quite magnificent. Now, don't just stand there. You have a to job to perform." She took his hand and pulled him back down on the bed.

"Wanton woman," he said, then slipped her gown over her head.

Their lovemaking was playful, and spirited, and completely uninhibited. Stefan satisfied Joanna in ways she had not yet known, and she felt free to express her physical love for him in ways that surprised even her. But afterwards, as they lay in each other's arms, Joanna said to Stefan, "Since you didn't stay in your stateroom last night, did you sleep in a wagon at the wedding, or in your own wagon?"

"In my wagon." Stefan's hand moved idly up and down her arm. "I need to be where I can keep an eye on things. I'll be staying in my wagon near the menagerie whenever we stop."

As she heard Stefan's words, the terrible dream surfaced, Tony's face seeming to dominate all. Maybe something in her subconscious was trying to tell her that Tony would not help Stefan if the cats attacked. But if she mentioned it to Stefan, he'd simply pass it off with one of his usual denials. In an effort to shake off her apprehension, she looked into her glass and asked, "When did the ice wagon come?"

"About fifteen minutes ago." Stefan stretched out his legs, leaned back on his elbow and looked at her. "Why did you leave the wedding last night?" he asked. "I broke away as soon as my mother told me where you were, but when I got there, you'd left."

Joanna shrugged. "I felt completely out of place. A
gorgio
among gypsies," she replied, visualizing the countless censuring eyes.

"I'm sorry," Stefan said, "But I thought since my mother was there..."

"She's also a
gorgio
among gypsies," Joanna said, feeling repressed anger rising. "You come from a very closed society."

Stefan sighed. "You're right, I admit. I've watched my mother struggle to be accepted, and after years of living with my father's family, she's still only tolerated. I resent my Rom kin for that, just as Josef resented them when he married Barbara. Only Josef chose to leave the community and make a separate life with Barbara rather than subject her to the scorn and rejection he knew she'd suffer as a
gorgio
among gypsies. Josef confided to me later that he'd never regretted his decision. He and Barbara lead a happy, conventional life. Actually it was easy for him to settle. After college, he hung out his shingle—JOSEF JANACEK, ATTORNEY AT LAW—and practiced law. But for a big-cat trainer? What kind of sign to hang? LION TAMER. WILL WORK BY THE DAY OR MONTH. INQUIRE WITHIN?"

Joanna said nothing because there was nothing more to add. She scanned his clothes, registering for the first time that they were his khaki work clothes. She had not expected him to return to the big cage so soon. The thought brought the usual tightness in the pit of her stomach, and a vise-like grip in her chest. "Please don't work with the cats today, Stefan," she said. "It's too soon. The doctor said for you to wait."

"I'm fine," Stefan said.

"No, you are not fine. And why can't you let Tony do it?"

"Because I'm not ready to turn my career over to him yet."

Joanna glared at him. "What about Rafat and Shani? Are they going back in?"

"In a couple of days, yes. They are both predictable animals when they're not being harassed. Besides, no one except the handlers, Walter, and Tony are allowed near the cages or the equipment."

"How can you be so sure Tony will always be there?"

"Because I pay him to be there. Why would he not be?"

"I don't know. I have bad feelings about Tony."

"You have bad feelings about everything that has to do with the cats." His words were curt, his tone annoyed.

"I had a dream about Tony," she said. There, it was out. She hadn't intended on telling Stefan about her dream, but she couldn't dismiss it either.

"Look, we're not going to get into dreams here. You're agitated and worried, and whatever comes from that has no bearing on what happens to me, so don't try to go there."

Joanna's lips compressed. "No fears. No worries. I find myself wishing your dizziness would return if only to keep you out of the ring. But it seems, the only way you'll stay out is if you're confined to the hospital!"

Stefan's eyes narrowed with annoyance. "The only reason I was in the hospital was because I hit my head. Accidents happen."

Joanna stared at him as if he were deranged. "It was
not
an accident," she enunciated. "Why do you keep referring to it as if it were?"

Stefan's released a tiresome sigh. "Just a figure of speech."

"What do you intend to do about it? Nothing?" Joanna clipped. "You could at least go to the police. But, of course, I don't imagine you'd consider that."

"
Look, if it happens again, I will
!" he snapped, then added in a conciliatory tone,
 
"Kitta appreciated the ride to the wedding."

"You're evading the issue," Joanna said. "If anything more happens, you may be dead. Someone's trying to kill you, for heaven 's sake, yet you insist on working with a couple of damn cats that are potential killers and—"

"
Hold it!"
Stefan cut her off. "I
will
honor my contract with Porter Brothers, and it calls for six lions, four tigers and a leopard." His decisive words, and the unyielding look in his eyes, brought a flush of anger rising.

"And does your contract make provisions for learning a new trade if your animals turn on you again?" she said, her words brusque.

Stefan's jaw tightened. "That won't happen," he said, "but since you choose to believe it will, you'll have to come to terms with that the best you can. Meanwhile, this is going nowhere, and I have a tiger with an infected tooth that needs attention." Turning abruptly, he walked out of the room, slamming the door behind.

"
Stubborn
—" Joanna hurled a pillow at the closed door "—
obstinate
—" she hurled another pillow
 
"—
single-minded man
."
 
She toyed with the sapphire hanging around her neck, feeling an urge to yank it from its chain and hurl it as well. At least for his legal wife he'd offered to get rid of the troublemakers. But for the woman who was supposed to be his one true love... No compromise. No concession. No nothing!
 
How narrow the bounds of love.

CHAPTER TEN

The rest of the hot, steamy day was a blur. Stefan did not return that night, and Joanna knew he was staying in his wagon, though it bothered her that he did not come to her before settling in his wagon for the night. But she also knew it was time to start breaking the ties that bound them body and soul. A letter from Matthew seemed the answer to her prayers. She read Matthew's words of concern about her working without nets, and his plea that she join him at the gymnastic academy. She could live with him and Libby until she found her own place.

Matthew had warned Gene that he'd do everything in his power to get her to quit the act, even though she'd assured Matthew that she wasn't ready to leave. Now he was offering her a chance to settle in one place, continue doing what she loved, and be close to him and his family. He was dangling a very tempting morsel in front of her, one she couldn't dismiss too quickly. She folded the letter and slipped it into her reticule.

 
For the remainder of their stay in Donaldsonville, she only saw Stefan from a distance. He stayed close to the menagerie during the day, guarding the cats. She was fairly certain he had not returned to his quarters on the steamer at night—she'd heard nothing, nor had she seen light over the transom. But if he had stayed there, he had not come to her, and she suspected he'd grown tired of her constant fretting, just as she was.

However, in spite of her resolve, during their final day in Donaldsonville, she'd watched from a distance while Stefan worked with Rafat between performances, and she'd seen Stefan's determination to subdue a lion that refused to submit, meeting the animal's challenges with reprisal, as if proving to himself and the lion, that he would not tolerate a disobedient animal. Yet, it would be so simple for him to just get rid of Rafat. She resolved to say nothing more, even though she felt the anger and resentment building.

Late that night, the giant paddlewheels started churning, and the Aurora left
 
Donaldsonville and headed downriver for their last two stops before their final show in New Orleans—Lutcher and Destrehan. With four performances scheduled for each of the two-day stops, she knew that the rigorous training routine and practice sessions with Gene would be stressful—the same endless cogwheel of physical activity.

But it was the final show in New Orleans that weighed heavily on her. She did not embrace the superstition that the final show of the season was jinxed. But the idea of flying without nets, for any performance, scared her more than she cared to admit.

If she signed the contract, she'd be with Stefan for another season, but her tension over his act would be accompanied by her own anxiety over performing without nets. But if she did not sign, they would be forced to leave Porter Brothers and join a smaller show, she'd hold Gene and Otto back from reaching the top, and she'd fade out of Stefan's life, as she would if she left the show to work at the academy with Matthew. She hadn't discussed her job offer with Stefan, although she had intended on broaching it at some point over the past two days. But as the days inched by, no opportunity had come.

As the steamer coursed downriver, she paced the tight confines of her quarters. If she could lay in Stefan's arms and discuss with him her options, somehow the decision would be easier. Yet, she could think of no solution that would allow them to stay together without the accompanying stress. Maybe simply laying in Stefan's arms and having him make love to her was what she needed. It would take her mind off everything but him, and it would release the terrible tension she building. It always did. With time running out, she and Stefan also needed to address their dilemma, even though there was no solution.

Although it was well past midnight, perhaps he too was lying awake contemplating their future, maybe facing the reality that they might not be together. She needed one more night with him, one more chance to express her love. It was not so much a physical need now, but a spiritual one. Each time they united bodily, their hearts beat as one, the rhythm of their union generating a flow of energy that pulsated between them. And when they climaxed together, and Stefan released his seed, it was as if Stefan's spirit flowed through her, filling each nerve fiber with his essence, pouring it into every capillary, radiating through her entire being while their souls connected on a higher plane. The fact was, she felt spiritually wed to Stefan, even if theirs would never be a legal marriage.

A heaviness settled in her chest. Their lives may be destined to move in opposite directions, but she wasn't ready to accept it yet. Slipping out of her stateroom, she stepped across the passageway and knocked lightly on Stefan's door. When he pulled the door open, his face looked weary and drawn. "I'm glad you came," he said. "We need to talk."

She said nothing, just walked into his arms and kissed him with all the passion that had been coiling inside her. Still, no words were spoken when he stripped her of her nightclothes, and his, and took her to his bed and made love to her in a way so urgent, she felt as if their bodies and souls were bound together for eternity, that there was nothing that could separate them, neither time, nor space, nor whatever distance would hold them apart. Stefan would be a part of her until the day she died. But after the throes of passion had subsided, Joanna looked around his stateroom and noticed the boxes with Stefan's personal belongings.

"You're packing," she said. "Why so soon?"

"I'm letting Laszlo and Cara have my quarters," Stefan said. "I'll be staying on the
Glazier
when we're travelling and in my wagon during shows so I can be near the cats."

Joanna stared blankly. Already she felt as if they were being tugged apart, their lives taking different courses. "You never said anything about spending the last days of the season away from me," she said. A queasiness settled in her stomach. Perhaps Stefan was making her decision for her. Maybe this was his way of helping her deal with the problem. Remove the cause of her anxiety. Him.

"I wasn't planning to move out," Stefan said, "but Rafat's been acting up, and I've got a sick tiger I need to watch closely."

"When will you be moving out?" Joanna asked, wanting to turn back the time, shut out the world, return to the first night they made love so there would be a string of tomorrows ahead of them. Instead, all there would be for them would be yesterdays.

"I'll be moving out when we stop in Lutcher," he said.

Joanna looked around at the trunks in varying stages of being packed. "I'm not ready for this," she said, knowing it made no sense. But she wanted him in her bed every night they had left, even if it would end in New Orleans. "Everything seems so... final. You moving out. The show season ending. Our time together done." She looked at him, tears misting her eyes, and said, "Will you just hold me now? I really need that."