Persona - A Disturbing Psychological Thriller (26 page)

‘I tried it with a girl, but couldn’t get it up. I stuck it in a bit.’

‘Why did you care what I thought? If it made you so unhappy, why didn’t you fuck me off?’

Dave turned serious again. ‘I couldn’t. You’re all I have, Ryan, and though you do as you please regardless of my disapproval, I can’t function that way. You have the charisma and appeal to make loads of friends if you wanted to, but I don’t. I couldn’t replace you.’

‘Don’t be stupid, Dave. I couldn’t replace you. We have unique memories. The difference between us is you’re insecure and I’m not. I know what we have can’t be lost.’

Dave smiled. ‘You’ve always been hard, Ryan, and I envy that. I worry.’

‘Well stop fucking worrying. How long have you known?’

‘Ever since I found my father’s gay porn stash hidden in his loft.’

‘Jess is bisexual?’ Dave nodded. Mystified, Ryan said, ‘What the fuck has that got to do with you?’

‘It’s hereditary.’

Ryan shook his head. ‘But you said you only knew you were gay when you found the mags. How does that make it hereditary?’

‘The same way that your madness functions – you have your father’s blood.’

Ryan scratched his cheek. ‘Are you saying that because Will passed on madness, your father must have passed on his homosexual tendencies?’

‘Yes I am.’

‘That is the most stupid fucking thing I’ve ever heard. You call
me
mad? You’re saying children are identical to their parents. What about free will and individuality?’

‘That means we can do what we want,’ Dave explained. ‘I can choose to lead a heterosexual life.’ He smiled. ‘But it’s not going to satisfy me, is it?’

‘Because you have to be queer like your father?’

‘I can run or hide, but it’s a part of me and won’t go away.’

This was bullshit, Ryan thought. He couldn’t believe Dave had been drawn in by it. ‘What if you hadn’t found the porn?’

Dave sighed. ‘It’s not that easy, Ryan. Finding the stash didn’t suddenly transform me into Dave the poof. It confirmed to me who I already was. When I found it I
knew
.’

‘But you blocked it out afterwards-’

‘A person can’t indefinitely block something out. At some point they have to face it and overcome it. I was always going to do that.’

‘You did it with me.’

‘Everything happened subconsciously. When you told me you were prepared to do it with someone, I waited for an opportunity.’

Ryan nodded. ‘I gave you
that
.’

‘When you stood in front of me, I was overcome with lust. I acted instinctively.’

‘Yeah, congratulations. But what if you’re not gay?’

Dave looked at him as if he was an idiot. ‘I think it’s pretty clear that I am.’

‘What I’m saying is, maybe it’s psychological.’

‘I came inside you, Ryan. Before then I only came when I masturbated.’

‘Will you fucking listen to me?’ Ryan hissed. ‘What if it’s suggestion? You know, psychology, an idea leading to acceptance?’

Dave thought about it. ‘Hmm, you’re saying finding the porn convinced me I must be gay?’

‘Yeah. You might have taken this hereditary thing too far. You might be straight, but wouldn’t allow yourself to be, subconsciously dominating yourself so that you couldn’t get hard with bitches.’ Ryan raised his eyebrows. ‘This could all be in your mind.’

‘That’s interesting, but like I said, I knew as soon as I found the stash. And besides, even if you’re right, there’s little I can do about it now. If it was psychological, it’s consumed me now. My lack of sexual conquests makes that obvious. I know it would be impossible to undo what I now feel.’

Ryan stood up and leant against the wall. ‘This is insane. You know what? I feel responsible. I shouldn’t, because I knew nothing about it, but you kept it inside so I wouldn’t find out. You left it to fester inside you until you were fucking brainwashed.

‘Also,’ he added, ‘it seems you felt inclined to believe this bollocks because you believed I was a replica of Will!’

‘And that’s ludicrous to you?’

‘Course it fucking is! Will had no ambition, imagination or vision. He couldn’t fit in with society and was totally self-obsessed!’

‘He was also a psychopath, which, incidentally, is what you are.’

‘I’m determined and motivated. I’ll go as far as I need to fulfil myself.’

‘That includes murder.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Well that’s self-obsession. And if Col’s not evidence of madness then I don’t know what is.’

‘Yeah, I created another character so I could try something I myself wasn’t interested in. Sounds a lot like you.’

Dave looked away and then said, ‘D’you think it’s just coincidence that you enjoy violence as much as Will?’

‘It could be,’ Ryan replied. ‘Just like a kid who takes an interest in his father’s guns. Kids love guns.’

‘But not all kids take an interest in murder.’

‘Oh shut up, Dave, you’re talking bollocks.’

Dave leant closer. ‘Remember, Ryan, Will’s doing life. They took away his life for his crime.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah, really. If they took the same thing from you, where would that leave your visions and imagination?’

‘Maybe I should have killed you,’ Ryan said in frustration. ‘Which brings me onto that. You were worried I might kill you after we fucked, so why did you do it?’

Dave bowed his head. ‘You want to know the truth?’

‘Yeah, I do.’

‘Like I said to you in your room, I thought that if you didn’t like it you’d become resentful to the other guy, and if that had been the case I might as well have died. I told you – you’re all I have, all that makes life worth living. That’s why I’m terrified what you might do.’

Ryan moved towards Dave and tentatively patted him on the shoulder. ‘Don’t worry, pal, I promise I’m not going down.’ He beckoned Dave towards the door. ‘Let’s go.’

They left the toilet and descended the stairs. Stacey was alone in the living room.

‘Where’s Fay?’ Ryan asked her.

‘I threw her out,’ Stacey said bluntly. ‘Go and find her – you deserve each other.’

Without speaking, Ryan dressed himself and left with Dave.

32

Elton John’s ‘Sacrifice’ was playing on the radio as they drove south along Highway Eighty-Three towards Colorado Springs, in a red Ford Tempo provided by Jenny’s uncle.

Ben marvelled at the expansive, undeveloped land around them. The undulating terrain, interrupted by the occasional farmhouse, was dotted with fir trees sprouting from its hay-coloured grass. Such rugged, natural beauty was breathtaking to someone who had spent their life in London, waking to the sight of overcrowded buildings and dirty pavements.

The colossal, unstained sky, a magnificent blue, cushioned a distant horizon.

He watched a hawk sink through the air in a graceful, sweeping circle, until Jenny distracted him by pointing across him towards the Rocky Mountains.

‘They’re beautiful, aren’t they?’ she said. ‘You can see them from the balcony of our house in Black Forest.’

To Ben’s right he could see a jagged, grey peak towering over dark green foothills.

‘That’s Pikes Peak,’ Jenny said. ‘It’s over 14,000 feet high. A train takes you to the summit.’ The excitement in her voice made Ben smile. ‘I’ve been on it,’ she continued. ‘It takes one and a half hours to get there, and the scenery is beautiful. You can see beyond the Continental Divide!’

The wind through the open window made Geoff squint. ‘What a country!’

‘It’s kinda nice,’ Tash said. ‘But I don’t see any shops.’

Jenny glanced at Tash in the back, unsure if she was joking. She smiled at her friend’s serious expression.

Helmetless bikers roared past them on Harleys, then the sky stole Ben’s attention again. Its size and power overwhelmed him. He felt that he was acknowledging something so superior and awesome that he must be invisible. That Man endeavoured to explain such wonders proved his arrogance, he thought, and he felt fortunate that he knew his place. He could simply worship them because he had faith.

They cruised along a quiet road that cut through the thick forest, then Jenny beamed as she pointed to a house constructed from pinewood, set thirty metres back from the road.

‘That’s where we’re staying!’ She turned the vehicle into the driveway.

It was just as Ben had imagined a place nestled in the mountains to look: strips of tan-coloured wood nailed together, stone cladding enclosing rectangular windows, slate tiles crowning the house, set against a background of fir trees standing like soldiers on parade. Sprinklers built into the earth launched jets of water onto lush lawns with straight edges.

‘It looks mega,’ he said.

‘Wait till you see inside!’

They all got out of the car, and followed Jenny. The forest leant the air a thick, dry scent. She opened the door and when they saw inside the house, their jaws dropped.

‘I could live here,’ Tash said.

‘Come in and have a look around. We can use everything in here except that cupboard,’ she said, pointing to a mahogany door next to the foot of the stairs. ‘I think my uncle keeps his hunting gear in there. It’s locked anyway.’ She grabbed a greeting card standing on a bar that divided the kitchen and dining room and grinned. ‘It’s a welcome card from my Uncle Trevor.’

‘What a top bloke,’ Ben said.

Exploring the house, its beauty and the light flooding into the rooms astounded them.

‘It lifts you up,’ Ben said. ‘All this light puts you in a good mood. I can’t imagine being miserable here.’

‘Ben,’ Geoff called from upstairs. ‘Check out the balcony!’

Seconds later Ben joined Geoff who was sitting on the sill of a windowless frame.

‘Look at the mountains.’

Ben leaned over the sill and stared at them, and then at the forest surrounding them.

‘Beer,’ Geoff said. ‘We need beer now.’

‘I agree, but let’s get our shit sorted first. You got jet-lag?’

‘No.’

‘Nor have I. I wonder if Jenny has… Jenny,’ he shouted, turning towards the stairs. ‘Are you tired?’

‘It’s starting to hit me,’ she shouted back. ‘I’m taking a nap soon.’

‘Me too,’ Tash added.

‘Is there an off-licence nearby? We’re gonna have a beer.’

‘Follow this road for half a mile and you’ll come to a petrol station. It’s also a convenience store – you can buy liquor there.’

Geoff smirked. ‘That’s convenient!’

Two hours later, while Jenny and Tash were sleeping, Ben and Geoff were sitting on the balcony ledge wearing sunglasses and drinking beer. The sun had burnt their faces.

Geoff held up his bottle. ‘I can’t believe this shit is seventy-five cents a bottle. I mean, what’s that? Fifty pence?’

‘I think so.’ Ben looked around him, taking everything in. ‘This place is unbelievable. I can’t believe it. I’ve never been lucky and now look what I’ve got.’

Geoff nodded. ‘She’s a nice girl.’

‘Ethereal is the word you’re looking for.’

‘Er, no it isn’t. And don’t get carried away.’ Geoff swigged his beer.

‘If you knew how I felt, you’d understand. She’s given me life. I’m savouring every minute of the day.’

Geoff sat down his bottle and rubbed his eyes. ‘You want me to puke?’

Ben frowned. ‘You should be pleased for me.’

‘I am, but for everyone else life goes on. I don’t feel the same about Tash, so I can’t match your mood. I’m happy to drink beer.’

‘Yeah, I understand, but don’t try to dampen my spirits.’

Geoff sneered, picked up his beer and finished it. ‘Want another one?’

‘Yeah.’

Geoff pushed himself off the ledge and made his way downstairs to the fridge, thinking what a bad situation this was. He felt jealous and bitter, while Ben was euphoric.

He took a couple of deep breaths, and reminded himself that he was on holiday and had to cheer up. Ben had Jenny. Geoff had to contain his resentment.

He returned to the balcony and handed Ben his beer.

‘Yeah, Ben, what a chick.’