PERSONAL: A Stepbrother Sports Romance (14 page)

More guilt paid my heart and my stomach. I never knew I would feel such feelings. I really had become a reclusive hermit
, s
hutting off my heart because I didn't want the world to know me. All because I didn't want my life on display. I locked myself away and lived my life like a nun. Maybe it was time to change all that.

“Yeah. I mean, I’m
in
the middle of this really important paper and she texted me but I didn’t know it was urgent like this until I actually read the text. As soon as I did, I called her right away
,
but her voicemail went straight through.”

She gently placed her hand on my shoulder, a sisterly touch I missed.

“Yeah it's not easy flying from Tahiti reception wise. She should be arriving in the next
twelve
hours. It's okay, you know.” Her words rang to
my
heart and her firmer grasp caused me to jump.

“Barely seen him. It's natural to be nervous.”

“I'm fine. I'm fine.” The defenses went up.

“All I care about is you guys…Kate?”

“Yeah?”

“If there's one thing my father's death, his sudden passing
,
has taught me, don't let time go by
.
D
on't make the mistake thinking time will always be there on your side.”

Bradley

A storm was coming. One of those dangerous nor ‘easters that shuts down the city and leaves millions without power. At least a foot of snow with blizzard strength was expected in the city and citizens were warned ahead of time by the mayor to prepare their homes and families in advance, to not let freezing to death become an option
,
because it
could
be an option if one wasn’t prepared. From boarding their homes, to evacuating if need be, there was a lot to do. Evacuating was a possibility and we would all know within the next
twenty-four
hours
from
the emergency advisory out in the Hamptons.

But we Rainshaws would not have to evacuate due to our spectacular generator. The property was as dependable as a hospital during a natural disaster. My father made sure of it. If there was one thing he hated, it was chaos. I was always convinced he had prepared for the apocalypse
.
T
hat or if he ever had to go into hiding from shady deals
,
he’d be able to survive if his enemies went as far as to barricade him in. Well, now I’d never know. Hell, I did know. Who was I kidding? The enemy did get him in the long run; he was robbed of his life, an early death. It was a heart attack, and it was stress
-
induced. Fucking horrible.

Such preparation on his end, however, made our family fine but the roads would not be safe to travel for all of our guests, thus we had to combine all services and funeral activities into one day. One day filled with strange hugs, stiff handshakes, stories from people I’d never see again about my father this time on the yacht, or that other time in the board room. Ah, he wasn’t the great bull shark all the time. There were moments I loved. I’d miss. The lump in my throat caught and I thought of her to appease the weight. Such emotion turned into fucking butterflies.

My overactive futuristic mind already thought about it after this full day
:
we’d be snowbound. We. As in she and me. In the same house. Snowbound. But I couldn’t think that far. No.

I had to get my head out of that fact and back on the present.

So we made it all a full day
,
then—a viewing at 9
AM
, funeral at 1
,
and then an immediate wake at our home. I had to deal with so many s
ch
mucks who didn’t give a damn about my family, who only cared about the money my father provided.

It was an early day, one that required my best foot forward and my most stellar poker face to date while I receive
d
them all, as I stood feeling every emotion imaginable.

And then she walked into the room and stopped me in my tracks.

It was a wave of emotions I wasn’t prepared for, like one of those indie movies, where the director zooms in on
her
face, the lost love, the one that got away. The moment where the ambient, shoe-singer guitar sings like a glorious ethe
real
creature of its own right, making a grand entrance fit for a far away galaxy queen. The entire scene slowed down in my mind and my world stood still as the very woman I’d dreamt about year after year, fought so hard to forget, walked back into my life and now stood two people away from me. My sister Claire and her mother Madie softened the distance.

I caught her profile, zooming in, everyone else disappearing. She lifted her sculpted chin with a tender care before engaging in a smile to the stranger before her, receiving the handshake. She didn’t know these people. But she stood the
re
with the grace of a queen.  My eyes lasered in on her full lips dressed with a deep pink stain, lips I wanted to cover with my own, jumping this line right now and taking her in my arms, to let a long overdue welcome reveal to her not only just my feelings, but my own deep sentiments in this receiving line.

I shook my head lightly
.
I didn’t want to mess this moment up. I hope I didn’t just murmur something absurd.

That smile.

That always
-
pleasant
,
diplomatic smile that dazzled, warming the coldest of strangers. It had briefly aided our family so well back then. Her compassion that dressed her countenance, the genuine softness that cared about others. She never knew a stranger. She shook someone’s hand with such care and attention in the receiving line, as if they were the only person in the room. She was just the type of woman a man would want by his side.

I followed the limb with a sideways glance and took her in
,
head to toe. Damn
,
she looked good.

She looked so much…older. Refined. Her young beauty had blossomed into a
gorgeous
womanhood. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to become that much more attractive. Dressed in a conservative black dress, there was no hiding those curves
,
ever. How could someone I hadn’t seen
for
so long invoke such strong emotions, physical emotions
?
I wanted to jump this line, take her in my arms, and let a long overdue hard kiss reveal to her my feelings, relaying that I was sorry
.
Telling her how much I missed her
.

Her long
,
tumbling curls sh
ined
beneath the sky lights and just the smell of her; the light fragrance of cotton with a hint of French lavender made me want to drink her in. Claire and Madie were barely enough buffer for my raging heart pounding out of control. 

As she tossed her golden locks, she made that life
-
changing, scene
-
altering locking with my eyes and I went weak in my knees. If it weren’t for Peters standing in front of me waiting to receive his sentiments, I would have buckled and fallen.

“Whoa, easy there.” His firm hand steadied my
near
fall. “I know how these things can be. Make sure you don’t lock your knees, son. And oh, here. Add some of this to your coffee, why don’t you.” He winked and slid the flask inside my suit pocket.

I took a fresh breath of air.

“Certainly. Thank you for that tip
,
” I said with weary eyes.

Fuck
,
she looked hot.

I stole sideway
s
glances here and there, careful to never make eye contact with her. But, oh I was looking. Hell, everyone looked at her. I didn’t think it was possible for a woman to become any more beautiful or any more desirable, but she had.

“Would you take a look at Madie’s daughter? She’s a looker.”

“I wonder if she has a boyfriend. Give her your number. Later
,
of course, at the wake, when it’s more appropriate.”

I caught and overheard all of the suggestions of mothers to their sons, hell, even men in their retired years. She was like a light in the midst of a very dark hour. A light I was thankful to lift my spirit, just barely. But, words, face to face? I hadn’t the strength yet to face her and obviously from the way the rest of the day went, neither did she,
nor
did circumstantial duties allow.

But later, as the casket dropped in the cemetery
,
it wasn’t just a February chill that traveled down my spine, it was the brevity of life and the meaning of it all. How quickly a man can be buried, but his legacy—that was something different that could carry on and would carry on forever.

What would mine be?

How would I be different from him?

He was a good man. Yes. But his judgment had gotten the best of him in his later years.

By the time we made it back to our home, the morning and afternoon felt like a week’s worth of activity and I felt like disappearing before the hundreds of people, many of whom were strangers. But I was now the patriarch. I needed to at least save face for a full hour. And I was able to disappear in the crowd. I didn’t feel like mingling. I felt like disappearing. The eerie howl of the outskirts of the winter hurricane was the last thing I heard before I fe
l
l asleep.

I woke up and the chatter had stilled and light taps of sleet greeted my pounding head.

God, what time was it?

I grabbed my cell phone from my childhood bedside table. 2:33
AM
.

For real?

Shit.

I sat up and ran my fingers through my hair. And then realized
t
he electricity was out. Fuck. How was that possible with our top
-
of
-
the
-
line generator?

Feeling freezing as hell, I changed my clothes and wrapped a terry
cloth
robe around myself. Feeling a little dizzy still from my let
’
s-not-remember-anything-right-now moment, I was thirsty as hell and anxious to see if I’d actually see her again. Right now.

There I was
,
walking the familiar hallways of my home, passing the great room, when she stopped me in my tracks again.

She was pacing, saying phrases out loud as she held a candle in one hand. The other hand held chocolate with dripping syrup that fell down her shirt on accident.

It was torture enough the way her body made me respond like a crazed animal, but that syrup dripping down her shirt between her breasts, and watching her in the dark was enough to push me over the edge. I was feet away from ripping her shirt off and licking the syrup off of her.

Kate

I sat there in the chair ta
p
ping my pen against the desk in sudden onset writer’s block. Only 10,000 more words to go. Why o
h
why did I have to get sick with a God awful flu? I could barely eat or drink for a whole week, and I was set way back on my paper.

I was in the sitting room closest to the deck, the more natural side of the property. The pools and outside kitchen were around the corner. My papers, notebooks and books were scattered across the table. Never did I ever imagine writing the most important paper in my pre
-
doctorate career in this moment and in this place. And not just in this place, in this place that just lost electricity.

“Fuck.” I buried my head in my hands. “I thought this place was supposed to freaking be high tech enough to house the president himself
,
” I murm
u
red.

Just in case, Miss Kate.
Mr. Fox’s kind gesture came to mind and
into my
sight. He had left me a flashlight, which I thought was sweet. Now I was totally thankful.

I quickly reached for it, totally freaked out by the darkness of the mansion. Only the light of white foam from the waves seemed to come in sight. Outside the waves were angry, and the icy sleet hammered against the window. Oh, it was coming
: t
he storm.

The storm that would… “Fuck!” I called out again. I knew what this meant. The electricity was no doubt down.

I refreshed my browser. I had my school’s digital library up and had a book I was citing and needed the next page to finish the quote. Heck, I needed every page.

“Come on…come on….” Panic flooded my chest. The browser remained completely stoic and unmoving as a stubborn cat happily curled up by a fire.

“Ugh!” I cried out a little louder than I intended as the noise ricocheted off the high ceilings.

Feeling small, I wrapped a nearby blanket around me and surveyed with the flashlight the hijacked table. Only the light of my
M
ac and phone lit up the darkened night with neon
hues
.

My word document curs
o
r blinked at me
,
waiting for the next direction.

I stared at the table for God knows how long
,
as if looking for a hidden answer as to what to do or say next. My eyes lasered in on my miracle concoction I always make to combat writer’s block. My miracle concoction— cacao bits dipped in maple syrup—I learned rather quickly this special magic,
combined with
coffee, did the trick when I faced stubborn brain fog. I reached for the chocolate and dipped it heavily and evenly.

I then stood up and began to pace, wording out loud the phrases and sentences I’d speak into my notes on the phone. That always did the trick and got the wheels running. This whole dark night, no electricity thing had been eerie after a while, but after finding enough candles in the pantry, the room looked pretty cozy. A little scary. But cozy. In a strange way I felt inspired
by
the old school way of writing. By pen. At night.

But then the waves stole my attention.

Lost in thought, I let out another sigh and stared out into the crazy wind and waves. I’d never seen a nor’ easter before; only heard about them. When it snowed, I wanted to stand out by the waves and watch the snow meet the sea. I’d never seen that before.

A s
ticky drip from the syrup taking its sweet time down my chest snapped me out of my daydream. I sucked my fingers quickly to avoid a mess on my papers. I tried to salvage the heavy nectar quick before it further made its way into my bra. Taking care of the remnants with my remaining fingers, I screamed in fright and dropped my flashlight.

“Oh fuck!”

It was him.

I bit my lower lip and lightly sighed.

There he was with his hands shoved in his sweat
’s pockets
. Stepbrother or no stepbrother, Bradley was a showstopper. I gulped as I reached down to pick up my flashlight and gather my scattered papers.

“You scared me…like a…like a ghost.”

“Maybe I am.” He said softly. “Hell, I have been all this time.”

Oh no
,
he didn’t. No, no, no, no, no. We were not going to talk about that. I needed my head in the game for this paper. Focused.

“Was I being too loud?” I got it out really fast. As soon as I said it, I felt incredibly insensitive. Someone slam my head with a cast iron; his freaking father just pas
sed
. Of course he wasn’t able to sleep.

And after all these years, this is the grand ice breaker? The hello, haven’t seen you in almost a decade
,
t
erribly sorry about your father? Not, good Kate.

“I mean, given the circumstances, I…um. I’m sorry. I’m not good at this type of thing. I’ve never really lost anyone.” I looked down at my feet, confused. I wanted to be mean, cold, quiet, but that wasn’t me. I didn’t know how to put on airs, that was why I had to leave in the first place.

Yeah, I’ve never lost someone to death, but I did lose a life.

I lost you and Claire practically. The only siblings I’d ever really had. And you’re the teen
a
ge crush I had to lose and toss aside.

“Except my parents
’
marriage
,
which felt like a death, honestly.”

“Yeah, well, consider yourself lucky.”

He didn’t move from his pillar strength stance. And I just realized it all: he was an orphan now. No mother. No father. A rich, rich billionaire heir. And he was alone.

Well, he deserves it
!
m
y bitter heart shouted at me. I instantly felt guilty for such
a
thought.

N
o one deserved to be all alone. I slowly rose and stood feet away from him. The wind picked up and howled adding to the dramatic moment of it all.

“Are you—”

“They say it’s going to be like a hurricane.”

Alright?
I wanted to finish.

“That really sucks. I…”

“Well, I’ll leave you. After all, you hate me.”

I couldn’t speak or call out after him because the truth is, I didn’t know how to handle any of this. I
’d
thought he was out asleep and was planning on speaking to him in the morning for the first time. And now I just made a mess saying stupid things, and now he’s gone again. I had no idea where he disappeared to in the grand Rainshaw house, especially since it was very dark.

But after ten numb minutes, I decided I needed to find him. How the hell was I to focus when
that
just happened?

I walked down the quiet hallways looking for him like a scared child. The grand hallways swallowing me, the fear growing due to being an overactive child where I always created monsters and creatures that lurked in the corners.

Finally, I smelled him before I saw him. The smell of cigars, a favorite pasttime of his and his father. Together.

I pushed the door open, the creak announcing my arrival. The man cave had gas lanterns and gave the ambience a vibe I wanted to join. Curiosity, wonder, and undeniable lust. The light of the flame lit his darkened profile, the smoke surrounding the glass. He had started a fire in the fireplace and it was a site I didn’t want to tarnish with words. Could we just face each other and not say anything?

He sat at a table with a glowing liquid on the rocks in his hand, the backdrop of the storm behind him. And then he looked at me.

“It wasn’t my fault, you know. I never was the one. My drunken
-
ass friend did it. You have to believe me.” The cigar made circles and dives from his hand accompanying his rapid confession.

I blinked back shock from the sudden
,
in
-
your
-
face matter of truth. I walked closer and stood feet away. It was the closest I’d been to him in nearly a decade. He was a man now. A very hot man. I crossed my arms and refused
to let
my teenager heart to come out. This was a matter that needed to finally be discussed. And it wasn’t a pretty one.

“Well, why should I? Why do I even matter anymore to you? We’re no longer family.”

“Look at me. Will you?” He stood up and the tension between us flirted along the lines of danger and insane temptation. I wanted to take a few steps back but the smell of the smoke laced with his cologne made me want to bury my head into his chest, to feel the softness of the robe and the touch of his hands.

“I’m not bullshitting with you right now. If there’s one thing my dad’s sudden passing taught me
,
it
’
s
that
you don’t know how long you have. You’re here right now in this room. You could leave and never speak to me again. But I want you to know one thing— you’re the girl I never could have. And that video of you…”
H
e sucked in a breath and exhale the smoke.

“Don’t bring that up
,
okay?” Earth to Kate. I came to my senses and took a few small steps back. “I don’t want to go emotionally crazy right now. Do you know how much therapy
I went through
and
how many
problems that created for me?”

“Do you know how much therapy and problems that created for
me
? I was the one forever scared. After I saw your breasts and those sweet moans from you, with your legs spread eagle, teasing me….”

“I wasn’t teasing
you
.”

“Unbeknownst to you. Anyway, I felt like a freaking sicko. I was in love with my stepsister.”

“In love?”

“And then you went away to boarding school. I was kept from your sight by Father. You know, he did find out what happened and was mad as hell at me forever.”

“Oh my god, did—”

“He didn’t see a thing. I promise.” His voice softened and he slowed his delivery down. “But then you disappeared out of my life. I didn’t even get to tell you I was sorry in person.”

“And how did that feel? You actually felt something?”