Persuading Annie (20 page)

* * * * *

Annie wondered why the familiar advertising jingle didn’t start up. Instead an image of a red rose pulsed on the screen to the sound of a heartbeat. And then the words:

Fi, I love you. Will you marry me? Tony

There was a baffled silence in the cinema, followed by a muffled scream. Sophie joined in. Eventually, the entire cinema was cheering and chanting for Tony. Eventually, flushed and delighted, he stood up to take a deep bow. After some clapping, Fi joined him. They kissed and sat down again. Then came adverts for popcorn and the lights came up again.

‘Shit!’ whispered David urgently in Annie’s ear.

‘I know,’ whispered Annie just as urgently back.

‘I forgot my drink.’

And he was off.

Annie was now sitting bolt upright in her chair looking for Tony and Fi. People were shouting congratulations at them. Sophie was laughing with delight. But Annie was trapped. She couldn’t go to Fi and Tony because then Jake and Sophie would realise she’d been sitting behind them …

‘I can’t believe it,’ Sophie was squealing to Jake. ‘I thought she’d keep saying no.’

‘Keep saying no? Has he proposed before?’

‘Oh God yes, every month for the past year,’ giggled Sophie. ‘He must have realised that our Fi needed more persuading than that. I can’t wait to congratulate them – but I’m too embarrassed to go up in front of everyone.’

Jake stared at Sophie.

Annie sat looking at his profile. Eyelashes like a bloody girl’s. And that’s his best side too.

‘How could she possibly refuse him when she actually wanted to marry him?’

‘Oh, that’s Fi all over,’ grinned Sophie. ‘Daddy doesn’t like Tony, and Fi, bless her, can’t make a decision to save her life. This is the girl who goes into Starbucks and says “Coffee please. You decide.”’

‘But this is hardly the same thing,’ insisted Jake. ‘This is the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with.’

Sophie turned serious. ‘I know,’ she said solemnly. ‘We’re totally and utterly and completely different. No one ever tells me what to do. If I like a man, I like a man.’

Annie grimaced as Sophie and Jake locked eyes. Eat your heart out
LoveBoat
.

‘You seem to know your own mind very well,’ murmured Jake.

Annie snorted behind him. Of course she knows her own mind! Hardly difficult when it hasn’t finished growing yet.

Sophie’s eyes dropped to take in the handsome curve of Jake’s mouth. She nodded and smiled, her shoulder now touching his.

Harlot, thought Annie.

‘I even know what wedding dress I’m going to wear,’ whispered Sophie.

Oh yeah, that’ll get a red-blooded man panting for more.
Describe your wedding dress. Hah! You should give lessons, little girl.

But to Annie’s astonishment, Jake didn’t turn and run. Quite the opposite in fact.

‘You seem very sure of yourself for someone so … young,’ Jake whispered slowly.

Oh dear. Annie didn’t like the sound of that. She knew that tone of voice. She searched frantically round the cinema. Was now a good time to set off the fire alarm?

Sophie inched her shimmery lips nearer to Jake.

Oh God! Not that! Not here! Not now!

‘I’m not that young,’ she whispered seductively. ‘I’m twenty-one next year.’

Twenty-one! Next year! That makes her twenty. Possibly even nineteen. Just. Barely past eighteen. It’s practically child abuse for God’s sake.

Annie went rigid as Jake let Sophie the child-whore kiss him.

To her relief, the light around her suddenly dimmed and her heart failed.

Thank God, she thought. I’m dying.

She waited for her life to flash before her, but the stubborn image of Sophie molesting Jake kept taking centre stage. Oh! Absolutely typical. Hogging her limelight to the end. Is there no end to this man’s solipsism? (Is it possible to die so angry? she mused.)

Then she became dimly aware that people to her left were standing up and tutting. The cinema was now pitch black.

She wasn’t dying after all. The film was about to start and David had returned.

Shit.

* * * * *

The film was an instantly forgettable lightweight comedy. But it was not a forgettable night. Fi and Tony had got engaged, Sophie and Jake had snogged and David and Annie had eaten their entire bucket of popcorn in under four minutes. David was going to phone the
Guinness Book of Records
in the morning.

Annie was exhausted. She couldn’t quite believe that she’d had to witness everything. Still, at least she knew for a fact that Sophie had been the one who’d started it. In fact, if her eyes didn’t deceive her, Jake hadn’t seemed all that interested. Not as interested as he used to be anyway …

Once out of the cinema and in the bar, her mind was whirring. She was livid with Sophie for reducing the death of her mother into a character footnote. She was furious with her for telling Jake that cock-and-bull story. She was steaming with Jake for believing it. She was livid with David for a) fancying Sophie and b) not being man enough to beat Jake to it. And she was mad with herself for not having had enough foresight to have bombed the cinema.

All in all, a normal evening out.

While Annie’s mind hurtled chaotically into the stratosphere, Tony spent the evening being loud and ecstatic at Fi’s final answer to his proposals. They had already decided to get married in six months’ time. Fi beamed happily at everyone for half the evening until it suddenly dawned on her that she was now on a diet.

‘Drinks are on me tonight,’ commanded Tony to all and sundry.

Good, thought Annie and ordered a double vodka.

An hour later, she was propping up the bar with David. Both as determined as each other not to spiral into depression
after witnessing Sophie lean her pretty blonde head on Jake’s shoulder throughout the entire film, they had both hit upon a subject rich in opportunity for them to shine like beacons of intellectual excellence for the wondering world around them.

‘
Magic Roundabout
was shite,’ David was shouting at Annie. ‘Only good thing about it was the theme tune.’

They then sang the theme tune to the
Magic Roundabout
, as many before them had and many after them would. Annie didn’t notice Jake joining them to get a round in.

‘
Bagpuss
was the best,’ she was saying. ‘Especially when the mice made chocolate biscuits.’

David nodded sagely.

‘Good point!’ he exclaimed. ‘Henceforth, I shall call my firstborn Mice.’

‘
Mr Benn
,’ came a voice behind them. It was Jake.

‘Ooh!’ squealed Annie. ‘As if from nowhere, a stiff in a suit appeared.’

Jake stopped himself from saying that he wasn’t wearing a suit.

‘
Mr Benn
was a top programme,’ he said briefly. ‘Who wants a drink?’

Sophie piped up from behind him, in an attempt to be seen and heard.

‘I loved
Rainbow
,’ she said confidently.

‘You what?’ said David.

‘Oh yes,’ rushed Annie, feeling the ground sink beneath Sophie’s feet. ‘I think I remember that—’

‘That was wank!’ exclaimed David, outraged. His time of indulging Sophie was over. ‘Bungle and Geoffrey were fucking retards for nancy nappy-wearers. Now
Bagpuss
– he was the dog’s bollocks.’

‘We had
Bagpuss
too,’ said Sophie quickly.

‘No!’ said David dramatically. They all hushed. ‘You had
Bagpuss
repeats.’

Point made. As Sophie accepted defeat, he rammed home his victory by managing to get the pint glass to his mouth without spilling any of his drink.

‘You know what I think?’ said Annie quickly. ‘Kids today don’t know what they’re missing. Teletubbies? Load of toss.’

Sophie’s face flowed into a grateful grin and Annie almost looked up to heaven. Her near brush with death had taught her that however angry she might be at the world, it paid to be nice occasionally. I hope You saw that, she thought silently. Otherwise You’re for it.

An hour later, she drove home with her knuckles white on the wheel.

15

‘COFFEE, ANYONE?’ ASKED
Marlon, interrupting his own humming.

Joy and Annie nodded.

‘Cups or mugs?’

‘Needle,’ said Joy, holding out her upturned arm. ‘All the veins are good.’

Marlon stopped undoing his coat. ‘Better than good, they’re heaven. Can I smell them?’

Joy looked up from her magazine. ‘When are you going to leave me alone, Marlon?’

‘When are you going to leave your cat and move in with me?’

Joy sighed loudly. ‘I don’t have a cat, Marlon. Not all single women have cats, you know.’

‘Excellent! Then no one will get hurt when you move in with me.’

‘Except your wife, of course.’

‘Oh, she’s very understanding.’

Joy, still reading her magazine and chewing her gum, held up her middle finger at Marlon, as he strode across the
threadbare carpet to the kettle. He saw the finger, looked over at Annie and smiled.

‘You see Annie, if anyone ever asks you, it’s the subtlety I’ve fallen for. The sheer unmistakable sign of a lady.’

Joy slowly looked up at Marlon. ‘When exactly did you decide to make my life hell?’ she asked him quietly.

Her roots were showing, her black bra showed through her polyester blouse, her stomach bulged becomingly over her lap, her thin ankles shone through her sheer black tights. He stared at her, enraptured.

‘When I started dreaming of you instead of Sunderland football club.’

She turned away from him in mock disgust, before he could see that she’d smiled too.

‘Anyway, I’m not here for my shift,’ he said, when it was obvious they weren’t going to ask him any more questions. ‘Just came to pick up my latest parcel.’

He went to the large brown-papered object by the kettle. ‘Just what I’ve been waiting for!’

Annie and Joy sat back and watched as he opened his parcel.

‘Look at that!’ he said, proudly showing them a four-inch mirror. ‘Bloody ingenious.’

‘It’s a mirror, Marlon,’ said Joy.

‘Yes, but how much of yourself can you see in it?’ asked Marlon smugly.

‘Too much,’ answered Joy, before turning back to her magazine.

‘Full length!’ cried Marlon. ‘Full length! Only four inches high. Bloody ingenious! How do they do it? It’s bloody magic.’

Joy sighed loudly. ‘And you say Cynthia doesn’t appreciate you? The woman must be crazed.’

Marlon didn’t hear her. He was too busy looking at himself full length, in his four-inch mirror.

The phone went and Annie picked it up.

‘Hello, Samaritans?’

‘Hello, Avon calling. Have you ever thought of having your face buffed?’

Annie was losing patience with these time-wasters. She went straight to the point.

‘Are you feeling suicidal today?’ she asked in a soft, caring voice.

The line went dead.

Marlon brought two instant coffees over and placed them in front of Joy and Annie. He perched, as usual, on the edge of Joy’s desk and sat smiling at her.

He didn’t smile for long.

‘How’s Cynthia, Marlon?’ asked Joy.

‘Hmm? Oh, fine.’

Joy sat back in her chair and crossed her arms.

‘What does she look like, Marlon? Tell us.’

‘Oh, all right I suppose. In a sort of “married-to-the-wrong-man” sort of way.’

‘How many sons has she borne you?’

Marlon paused.

‘Three.’

‘And how many hot dinners has she cooked you?’

‘You’re beginning to spoil my fun, you know.’

‘Well perhaps she wouldn’t see it as fun, Marlon.’

Marlon glanced over at Annie before getting up.

‘I’ve never met such a beautiful spoilsport in my life,’ he said grumpily to himself before leaving.

The door slammed behind him, leaving Joy and Annie in silence.

Eventually Joy spoke, her voice low.

‘You’d think that being reduced to a married man’s sordid, extra-marital fantasy would put you off him, wouldn’t you?’ she said.

Just then they heard the key in the front door. They looked up at the clock and realised their shift was nearly over. Neither of them knew who was taking over this week and they sat in silence trying to gauge who was walking in, putting their coat on the chair and approaching the phone room. They were pleased to see the face of Carol poke round the door. Just then the phone went. Annie waved at Carol and picked up the phone.

Joy whispered to Carol.

‘Hello love, how are you?’

‘Thought you’d never ask,’ grinned Carol. ‘My sinuses are playing up, I’ve got a verruca the size of a two-pound coin just next to my bunion and if I don’t have my varicose veins done soon my legs are going to explode.’

‘Hello? You’re through to the Samaritans,’ repeated Annie as softly and invitingly as she could into her phone.

Carol started handing out hand-made cookies to Joy and Annie as she talked.

‘My Irritable Bowel Syndrome has turned into Now-I’m-Really-Angry Bowel Syndrome, my hot water tank burst last night, my eight-year-old got suspended from school for punching his teacher in the knee and our landlord’s upped the rent.’

‘Are you masturbating?’ asked Annie into the phone.

Carol and Joy glanced over at her, as she politely but firmly finished her call.

‘And it looks like I’ve just missed some fun,’ finished Carol, taking a bite of cookie. ‘Typical.’

* * * * *

Half an hour later, Annie and Cass sat in the farthest corner of the Coffee Cup, hidden from the world, arguing.

‘I will never go on one of your blind dates again. Never. Four hours of mind-numbing hell,’ Annie was saying. ‘Four hours. I nearly ordered arsenic with my coffee, but if I’d have keeled over in front of Angus, I wouldn’t have been found for weeks.’

‘Hold on, young lady. I only told you that he looked like a Greek god,’ said Cass. ‘I never said he was good company. Can I help it if you’re shallow enough to date a man without checking if he’s got anything worth talking about?’

Annie refused to argue. Especially when she was only going to lose.