Petite Madeleine: Drew's Story (Meadows Shore Book 3) (13 page)

He brushed her forehead with his lips and closed the door behind him.

He undressed and brushed his teeth. How the hell he was supposed to sleep tonight was way beyond him. Cassie was across the hall in whatever she slept in these days, and she wanted him, maybe as much as he wanted her.

Yanking back the comforter and sheets, he flopped into bed on his stomach. She was so beautiful, and despite how she saw herself, the cancer had taken a much bigger toll on her psyche than on her body.

And Cole was right. It was almost shocking how little her body had mattered to him, even while he stroked it. It was as though it was simply a vessel, the conduit from his heart to hers.

There was a light rap on the door, before it opened a crack. “Drew?”

He sat up. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” She opened the door wider, and came into the room wearing the thin silk robe he’d bought for her, and little, if anything, else.

She floated across the room, toward the bed. “I need to be here with you.”

He sucked in as much air as his lungs could hold. “Cassie if you get into my bed, we’ll make love. I could tell you that I’ll control myself, but it would be a lie.”

“I need you to make love to me. It’s been so long since anyone’s loved me in a way that makes me burn inside and out. That makes the world around me whirl, and then stop while I tumble off the edge. I want that again. I need it.”

When she dropped her robe to the floor, it was dark, but he could see the contours of her body.

She came to him naked.

He forced himself to breathe when she slipped into bed beside him. There was no way he was sending her away. No fucking way. What he wanted—
oh, God
—what he wanted. He ran a hand over his jaw, the stubble bristling against his palm, making him hyperaware of every nerve at attention, heightening every sensation, magnifying every touch.

“Are you sure this is what you want tonight? After everything you shared with me? It’s been an emotional night, baby. I don’t want you to wake up tomorrow and regret this. I don’t want you to run away.”

If his dick hadn’t been so damn hard that it threatened to explode just from the movement of the sheet, it would seem like he was trying to talk her out of sex, like he didn’t want it.

Coward
came a little voice from inside his head
.
All of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, he wasn’t sure if he could take the intensity of being inside her, of loving her, knowing that one day she might be taken from him long before either of them was ready.

No, no, no!
He pushed the thoughts away, but not before his dick went completely limp. Something that had never happened before. Not in bed with a beautiful, naked woman, anyway. He pushed back the covers and got up, unsure of what he was doing or even where he was going. Finally, he moved toward the window in the far corner of the room, pulled open the shutter, and clung to the frame, bracing himself against his fears. With his back toward her, he gazed over Boston, hoping the familiar pulse of the city would calm him.

“You’re afraid.”

He didn’t respond.

“Drew?”

“Maybe.”

“Talk to me, Drew. Is it my body? Are you afraid of the cancer?”

“No. No, of course not.” He shook his head. “Your body’s beautiful—more beautiful than I remember. It’s filled out, curvier. I love it.” He continued to stare down at the city, and though he had an enviable view, he saw nothing. “Cancer’s not catching, Cassie. I’m not afraid of it in that way… But I am afraid it’ll come back and make you sick again.” His voice trailed off, leaving a faint echo in his ears.

“That it will kill me.”

“I don’t ever let myself think about that, Cass, never.” But that wasn’t exactly true. He had little control over those tortuous thoughts barging into his head uninvited, with the murderous shriek of impending doom.

“You need to, because it could. You can’t hide that fear away. You have to make some kind of peace with it if we’re going to have a chance at a future together.”

“I could walk out the door tomorrow and get hit by a car, or you could. I know that.”

She nodded, “Mm-hm.” He could see her reflection in the pane. “I get scared sometimes, too, but a lot less than I used to. You adjust over time, unless you bury the fear alive, and stoke it regularly. It’s no way to live.”

He turned to face her, and his heart stopped at beauty so raw, so pure, that a famed photographer or a master painter would trade their soul to capture it. She was sitting up, surrounded by white linen, and overstuffed pillows resembling puffy clouds. Dwarfed by the king-sized bed, she hugged her knees to her chest, with her dark hair flowing freely over her naked shoulders, the ringlets nuzzling her breasts. The moonlight cast a peaceful aura around her, softly illuminating her face. Despite the weight of their conversation, despite his anxiety, she was serene, basking in the muted glow. And it stilled him.

Without taking his eyes from her, he went to the edge of the bed and sat beside her, letting his hand skate over her hip to her thigh, where it lingered, resting on the smooth skin. “I’m sorry, Cassie, for adding to your troubles—for rehashing things you’ve already dealt with.”

“I’m not sorry, Drew. This is my life. I’ll have this discussion with anyone I get close to. I’m relieved we can be open about everything. It makes me optimistic about our future. And I’m happy, so happy, this conversation is with you.”

* * *

She placed a small kiss on his lips, finding them uncharacteristically cold and practically unresponsive. “What else are you afraid of?” she asked brushing her hand over his hair.

He said nothing.

“Drew?”

“I’m afraid I won’t step up in the way you need … that I won’t be the man you need, if you get sick again. I want to be him, more than I’ve ever wanted anything. But what if I fall apart again? Cass, that black hole I fell into when my parents died, there was no way I was crawling out of there alone. Not alive.”

When she leaned to kiss him, his wet lashes skimmed her face. “You won’t be alone,” she said, taking his hand. “You’ll have me, and you’ll have your family. As long as you’re willing to reach out, to grab the hand that reaches for you, you’ll get through it. Last time you shoved everything inside, pushed everyone away, even me. That’s why the hole seemed insurmountable.”

She began to weep softly.

“Cassie, baby, please don’t cry. I hate seeing you sad.”

“I’m not sad. I’m touched, so touched that you care enough about me to even have those thoughts.”

“I love you, Cassie, with everything I have, with everything I am.”

She believed him, she did, but she’d learned the hard way that love doesn’t always conquer all. There are enemies so big, so tough, that sometimes even a power as formidable as love hoists the white flag and hangs its head in defeat. “I need you to be honest with me. I know how much you love me. I have no doubts about that. None. But I also know this is hard, and there might be things to come that are harder. Things that aren’t pretty.”

“And finding me passed out in my own vomit was pretty? I couldn’t even undress myself. Giving me a shower, washing putrid-smelling chunks out of my hair, that was pretty? I’ll never forget how gentle and loving you were with me, toweling me off and dressing me in clean clothes, changing my sheets. Calling my family. In a hundred lifetimes, I could never repay you for taking care of me that day, and for the rough weeks that came before.”

“You don’t need to repay me. I did it freely, out of love, without expecting anything in return. And I don’t expect anything now, or ever. I don’t want you to give up the life you dream about because you feel like you owe me. What happened before has nothing to do with what’s happening between us now…”

She laid a hand on his thigh to draw strength from him, and then closed her eyes, fortifying herself before speaking. “I want you to take some time to think about what I’m about to ask you.” She used the grip on his leg to steady herself. “Even though you love me, do you feel like you need to walk away?”

“No! And I don’t need time to think about it. Not a single second.”

“Sometimes love isn’t enough.”

“Look at me.” He grabbed both her hands and pulled her toward him. “I don’t believe that—not about our love. And you don’t believe it either.”

“I know you think poorly of Ned for breaking off the engagement, but there’s no shame in it. I know everyone blames him, but I never did. Not really.”

“Cass.” He kissed the tip of her nose. “That’s because you’re a much better person than the rest of us.

“And while we’re on the subject of Ned, and speaking honestly.” He brushed her hair off her face. “I’ll be forever grateful that he left you—I’m sorry you were hurt, and you can call me a selfish prick, but it allowed you to come back to me. As for me walking away? Not a chance, girlfriend. Not a chance. I don’t think you have any idea how much I missed you, any idea of the depth of my love for you.”

“Then make love to me. Show me how much you missed me, how much you love me, and let me show you.”

* * *

He groaned, and in response, she raised her mouth and captured his, her lips insistent and demanding. Together they slid over the soft sheets until they met the pillow. Their tongues stroking and tangling, their hands exploring, skimming, lingering, relearning the rhythm of pleasure.

After a little while, she reached for something that she’d dropped on the nightstand before she’d gotten into bed. “I brought this.”

He thought he heard her voice wobble. “What is it?”

“It’s lubricant,” she whispered. The Tamoxifen—it does things to your body.” She shook her head, “not to
your
body, to
my
body. It won’t hurt your body. We might need it.”

He definitely heard the wobble. “Is there anything else I should know before we make love? I don’t want to hurt you, sweetheart.”

She looked down, and he stroked her face, combing her silky hair through his fingers. “I haven’t been with anyone since Ned. It wasn’t always … comfortable. The Tamoxifen—you know that saying, use it or lose it?”

He nodded.

“Everything’s fine. My doctor recommended getting some … sex toys,” she croaked, “to make sure everything stayed healthy. I took care of myself that way, but this will be different. The toys I have are smaller than you, and my skin may be a little thinner than when we were together before.”

He framed her face. “I love you, Cassie. Thank you for trusting me enough to share that with me.” His lips teased hers, until all he could think about was pushing her off the edge while she trembled around him.

“You won’t need those toys any more, babe,” he assured her. “But maybe we should take a look together before you toss them. We might want to keep one or two for when I’m on a long road trip with the team.” He trailed kisses over her jaw until he reached her ear. “I’m imagining hot phone sex right now.”

She shuddered.

He brushed the hair back from her face. “I’m here to take care of you from now on, sweetheart. I’m going to take real good care of you. Everything else is just an add-on.”

Lowering his head, he flicked his wet tongue gently over her nipples until she was squirming under him, the soft curls rubbing against his erection, which was growing longer and harder by the second.

“You can love them the way you’ve always loved them,” she whispered.

“I’ll be right back, don’t move.” Opening the top drawer of his dresser, he retrieved a small bag and brought it back to bed with him. Then pulling a white votive in a glass jar from the bag, he set it on the bedside table and held a match to the wick, bathing them in candlelight. “Maybe it should be, but it’s not enough to feel you against me, to smell your arousal, to hear it. I want to be able to see you while we make love. The moonlight just isn’t enough.”

After lighting the candle, he pulled a small flask from the bag. “Oil from Satin and Lace.” He held it to her nose and let her inhale the seductive amber scent. “Turn over, baby.” She moved onto her stomach and he straddled her legs, balanced on his knees with his weight resting on his calves, he twisted her hair into a ponytail and tucked it over her shoulder and out of the way. After warming the oil in his hands, he worked it into her upper arms and shoulders. “Lift your arms over your head and make your body long for me, baby. Hang onto the edge of the mattress if you need to.”

His hands found her again, and his teeth nipped the tendons connecting her neck and shoulders. Her hips lifted off the bed, and he gently shifted his weight to hold her down. Nipping the back of her neck, he worked his hands in long sweeps over her back, his tongue trailing from the base of her spine to her neck. She shuddered under him.

His hands made their way to her bottom, taking a globe in each hand, he separated and kneaded the firm flesh, and she shuddered when the tender skin was exposed to the cool air of the room. Wiggling, she urged him closer to the needy spot between her legs.

“Not yet. Not until I’ve relaxed every muscle in your body. Except this one,” he said placing two fingers at the opening of her core. “That one will stay nice and tight, throbbing for a little while longer, and then we’ll relax it beyond anything you can imagine.”