Phantoms of Fall (The Haunting Ruby Series Book 2) (45 page)

If it weren’t for the huge test in physics today, I would
have begged to stay home from school.
We were already
warned that there wouldn’t be a makeup test if we missed it,
so I figured I was pretty much screwed.
I dug through my
closet to find the largest thing I owned so I could at least hide
some
of my ugliness.

Hallelujah! I borrowed one of Zach’s hoodies one
night when I got cold and forgot to give it back. It would hang
almost to my knees, concealing as much of me as I could
possibly hope for.
Paired with my baggiest pair of jeans,
everything but my puffy face was hidden from view. Perfect.

On my way out, Shelly scolded me for not
eating
breakfast and insisted I at least take a banana with me. She
wanted
me to be fat didn’t she? I forced a smile through
clenched teeth and took the banana without as much as a
thank you.
Halfway to school, I tossed it out the window into
the woods. If I left it in my car, I would only be tempted to eat
it.

Zach was waiting for me with a smile when I arrived.
Until he took one look at me as I hauled my heftiness out of
the car. As his smile faded, my head sunk further down into
the hoodie.

“Forget to do laundry?” he asked, forcing the smile
back onto his face.

“Yeah, something like that.” He tried to take my hand
as we walked but I shoved it quickly into my pocket. He was
too nice—I knew he really didn’t want to hold my chubby
hand so I would save him the humiliation.

“Are you feeling okay?” Zach explored me from top to
bottom with his eyes, probably adding up the pounds I gained
in his head.

“Just worried about my physics test—that’s all.” And
how fat I was, and how he was probably going to break up
with me because of it, and how no boy would ever love me
when I looked like this—that’s all.

“I got my cast off yesterday—check it out!” Zach held
up his left arm for me to see. It was infinitely smaller than his
right arm, scrawny and thin. That’s what
I
needed—six weeks
in a full body cast.

“It looks good. I’m happy for you.” And unhappy for
me.

 

“Good? It looks totally pathetic! I need to spend some
serious time in the weight room to bulk it back up.”

 

Life was so unfair. Zach was complaining about being
too small while I could literally feel myself gaining weight just
thinking about food.
“I know.
You’ve really got it tough, don’t you?” I
replied sarcastically.

“Whoa. Ruby, what’s wrong with you? You’re acting
like you did yesterday morning when we walked into the
school.”

When I wouldn’t look at him, he brushed my hair
away from my face, grazing my cheek with his fingers as he
did. It felt like the storm clouds broke and I was staring at the
most vibrant rainbow ever.
The best part?
Instantly, I felt
thin again. What was going on with me?

The same thing happened yesterday but that feeling
didn’t last. In fact, when it returned I felt ten times worse.
Anticipating the same conclusion, I brushed his hand away.

“No—not while I look like this.” I didn’t need anything
from the bottom of my locker but I buried my face in there
anyway so he couldn’t see me.

“My hoodie isn’t exactly the best fashion statement
you’ve ever made but you’re still beautiful, you know.”

“I forgot—you do love dogs, don’t you?” I said as I
stood to face him.
I made this self-deprecating statement
without realizing I said it out loud.

His mouth dropped open in disbelief. “How could you
say something so horrible about yourself? You’re gorgeous,
Ruby, how can you not know that?”

“You don’t have to lie to me, Zach. I can handle the
truth.” No, I couldn’t. If he stood there and told me exactly
how wretched I looked, I would simply kill myself.

“I’m not lying but I
am
worried about you. You’re not
yourself—no matter what you say.”

As
we
walked
down
the hallway, I could
feel the
weight creeping back onto my body. Ounce by ounce, pound
by pound, ton by ton until I felt bigger than I did when I first
woke up. I couldn’t sit with him in homeroom while I felt like
this. For some stupid reason, he would want to slide his desk
over and talk to me and I couldn’t stand for him to be
anywhere near me when I looked this way.
I asked Mr.
Raspatello for a library pass and left without a word when the
bell rang.

The library was dead as usual so I took my favorite
table near the window. My original plan was to do some last
minute studying for my physics test but I was starving and all
I could think about was food.

Thanksgiving was coming and I was looking forward
to tasting Zach’s mom’s turkey. She was such a good cook—it
would probably be the best turkey I ever tasted.
And the
stuffing—oh, how I loved stuffing!
Mashed potatoes with
gravy. My mouth was watering just thinking about it.

No!
I couldn’t think about it, couldn’t think about
eating it. I was fat and I didn’t deserve anything good to eat.
Not on Thanksgiving, not ever.
The rumble in my stomach
grew so loud I was sure Ms. Wright could hear it. I glanced up
at her desk and she shot me a look that said I was right.
Maybe I should have eaten that banana after all.

There were only four days left until my big day with
Zach—how was I going to lose what had to at least be fifty
pounds in such a short period of time? I didn’t dare even go
near the scale—I was afraid to see the actual damage. Like it
or not, the only answer was I couldn’t eat anything until
Sunday night after Zach went home. It would be tough but I
could
do
it.
I
accomplished
harder
things
with
less
motivation, didn’t I? A stop at the grocery store would be
necessary though to stock up on more diet soda and maybe
some celery or something else that was practically calorie
free.
I pulled out a sheet of paper and started to make a
shopping list. Diet soda, celery, carrots, and gum. There, that
should do it.

I avoided Zach all day but there was nothing I could do
about last period math class. Luckily, I had phys ed seventh
period—maybe if I worked hard enough I could burn off a
pound before I saw him.
I changed into my uniform in the
furthest corner of the locker room that I could find in the
hopes that no one would see what a whale I’d become.

Coach Hunter called in sick today so our substitute let
us pick what we wanted to do.
When most of the votes went
to volleyball, I asked if I could do some laps on the track
instead. The sub wasn’t going to let me until I mentioned my
after school deal with Coach Hunter and my plans to join the
track team in the spring.
When she finally agreed, I was
ecstatic and practically ran straight through the door to get
outside.

I always
felt better after I ran but today, I really
needed that adrenaline
boost.
I needed that
sense of
achievement, that sense of being less of a loser than I actually
was. When my side started to hurt from running, I ran just a
little bit faster because the pain meant I was accomplishing
something.

On my way to math class, I started to feel light headed
like I was on the verge of passing out. My vision started to
fade into a fuzzy haze and I gripped the handrail to keep
myself from falling down the stairs. This probably wasn’t a
good sign, but I didn’t care. I would do anything to lose this
weight—anything.
Including die in the process.
I would
rather be dead than look like this.

37. Nothing Else Matters

Zach was waiting for me when I got to math class with
a strange look on his face. He was probably trying to figure
out what he ever saw in me in the first place. If I didn’t soon
get myself back in order, he never would.

“So can I come over tonight, Ruby?” Zach asked as he
fished his book out of his backpack. “Now that all of our tests
are out of the way, I thought maybe we could watch a movie
together.”

Watch a movie—yeah right. He probably only wanted
to come over so he could break up with me in private.
I
couldn’t give him the opportunity. Just a few more days and I
would look better—then he would want me again.

“Sorry, Zach,” I said while hastily burying my face in
my book. “I have plans tonight.”

 

“You do?” he asked suspiciously. “What are you
doing?”

 

Starving myself in an attempt to make you love me
again. “Oh, just shopping with Shelly—nothing exciting.”

That answer seemed to work for him. “Sounds like
fun.
I do want to spend a lot of time with
you
over
Thanksgiving break though—not just on Sunday.”

Really?
Was he one of those guys who dug ugly
chicks—was this one of those “the worse I looked, the better
he felt about himself” kind of deals? It would seriously
explain why he asked me out in the first place. He was totally
out of my league and I knew it. I’d
always
known it. I had one
of those faces only a mother could love—but even
she
didn’t.
She at least had the good sense to kill herself before I got too
ugly.

Suddenly, I was confused. My mother didn’t commit
suicide—she died giving birth to my sister. Didn’t she? For
some reason, I didn’t seem to know which end was up
anymore. Severe hunger must do that to you.

“Sure,” I muttered for lack of anything better to say.
While I may have been nearly speechless, my stomach wasn’t.
A hollow rumbling sounded from the depths.

With a tone of concern in his voice Zach asked, “Ruby,
when was the last time you ate?”

“What?” I answered distractedly. I heard every word
he said but I thought maybe if I stalled he would forget about
his question.

“You heard me! You’ve stopped eating again, haven’t
you?”

Saved by the bell.
Mrs. West called for order so Zach
turned around in his seat after shooting me a “this
conversation is far from over” look.

I was hungry before he mentioned it, but now food
was the only thing I could think about.
Instead of taking
notes, I doodled absentmindedly in my notebook.
When I
looked down at my paper, I saw that all I did was nothing but
make crude drawings of food.
An artist I wasn’t, but I still
managed to draw a tasty looking hamburger.
For real, I
would
kill
for a good hamburger right about now. Geez, even
one of the cafeteria burgers would suffice.

When class
ended, I tried to dodge Zach but was
unsuccessful. He cornered me at our lockers and demanded I
answer his question. So I did.

“I was running late this morning so Shelly tossed me a
banana on my way out.”

 

He seemed to be getting angrier by the second. “What
did you eat for lunch?”

 

“I forgot my lunch money.”

 

“Why didn’t you say something? I would’ve given you
money, you know.”

 

“I didn’t realize until I was in the cafeteria.” Why
couldn’t he just let this go?

 

Zach put his arms around my waist. “I want you to
promise me something.”

 

“Anything.” Why was he being so serious?

 

“Promise me you’ll eat dinner tonight—and I mean
really
eat. No excuses.”

What was going on? Why was I so hungry and why
was Zach practically begging me to eat? Did I miss something
here?

“Yeah, Zach, I’ll eat dinner—I wouldn’t dream of
missing it.” I felt like I hadn’t eaten in days, why
wouldn’t
I
eat?

“You better, sweetie—tomorrow’s a big day,
remember.” He kissed me on the cheek and released his grip
on me. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” I love you enough to starve myself to
be with you.

The smell of food hit me the second I swung open the
massive oak doors to the mansion. It smelled so good that I
wanted to…cry. I couldn’t eat any of it—I would gain another
ten pounds overnight if I did. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to have
a little. No, that was the plan last night too and then I ended
up eating an entire plateful. There were perfectly good celery
sticks and carrots in my bag. That was the only dinner my fat
ass deserved.

But when I realized spaghetti and meatballs—
with
garlic bread—was what I smelled, my willpower went out the
window. That was one of my favorite meals. If I ate a little, it
would be enough to make me happy.
Not that I actually
deserved to be happy, of course. The first bite I took was of
the bread. Just one bite of it—that was all I decided to allow
myself.

Two pieces
of garlic
bread and
a heaping
pile
of
spaghetti later, my stomach felt better but the rest of me—not
so much.
I felt horrible.
Like a gigantic piece of crap.
If I
couldn’t resist eating for even one day, how could I possibly
lose weight by Sunday? There was only one way.

I excused myself from the table and retreated to the
safety of the attic. Once inside, I planted myself in front of the
toilet. Just one more time wouldn’t hurt. Sticking my finger
down my throat, I did what I swore I would never do again. I
repeated the ritual until every trace of food was gone from my
stomach.
Part of me felt better. Part of me hated myself for
being weak and getting into this situation again.

Physically, I was a wreck. I sat down on the bathroom
floor shaking and on the verge of tears. My heart was racing
and I thought I might die right there in front of the toilet. No
one would care anyway.
I was too ugly and pathetic for
anyone to even notice my absence. But if I could just get rid of
those extra pounds, then someone
might
care, someone
might
notice. When I felt strong enough to stand, I went to the mini
fridge for a can of diet soda to wash the taste of failure out of
my mouth.