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He did not respond, following her instruction, but she felt his silent sympathy radiating over the wire.

“Why?” she asked.

He broke his silence, the rich empathic listening that was in his gift, his essential self. “He fucked up.”

She let herself speak the words that had been buzzing deep behind her superficial thoughts. “Everything’s supposed to be all right again now. It isn’t. I don’t know if it will ever be. Will it?” 

“Is that a rhetorical question?”

“No. Tell.”

“You’ve had a blow, no doubt about it.”

Tears leaked out under pressure from his matter-of-fact sympathy. “I hate him.”

“He’s a cad for it. You don’t have to promise him a thing.”

“I know.”

“I didn’t want to believe it.”

“Me either. Oh, Hank.”

“I thought the papers were making up rumors like they always do. Then when you left. Just gone. Not even coming to say goodbye. He came back soon’s you left. Then your call. Couldn’t believe it. It hit me hard for you.”

“I had to get away fast.”

“Yeah.”

“Did you see Ian?”

“I saw him when I went over one day and he told me you and Tam were vacationing in London. I knew something wasn’t right, but I didn’t pry. The papers started talking. I figured there might be something to it, seeing how you’d left. Then, after you and me had our talk, Ian and I ran into each other. Before I knew it he disappeared, too.” She heard him exhale. “Is he there with you now?”

“Not in the room. But yes.”

“You just let him in?”

“Hank, you never cheated on Cor, did you?”

“We’re talking about me now, are we?”

“If you did, you better tell me. I’m dying. You loved Cor. You were happy. You talk about her. Even the way you don’t talk about her. I know you loved her. You still love her. If you survived the same thing, I need to hear it right now.” She stood listening, every muscle tense. She heard him breathing over the line.

“Jane, you know I had those drinking years. I wasn’t the best husband in the worst of them. I was hating the world, hating myself. I did some things I wasn’t proud of. When you’re obliterated it’s a lot easier to slide and say you weren’t responsible. So, yes. I cheated on Cor. More than once. Our marriage wasn’t all a sweet story, without ugly parts. You think because I moon around after her now it was perfect. That’s not the case. But I love her. I miss her.”

She sighed, letting her shoulders, her jaw relax. Reaching behind her, she tried to sit on the bed, but missed it and bumped to the floor. “Ow. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring it all up. I should have thought.”

“No, you’re right. We made it through. If you have that love for someone, you do it, you stay together. Because the love runs through it all. But do you and Ian have that kind of love? Is he worth it to you? He isn’t even around for you, Jane. You might want to think about these things.”

She rested her head against the bed, looking up at the ceiling. “It’s a bad day, that’s all.”

“I hear you. I’ve been there.”

“You haven’t been through this.”

“No. But you’re tougher than I am.”

“No way.” She had to chuckle at the idea.

“You are, Jane. You’re more forgiving. You have a bigger heart. You’re a survivor. It’s bred in you. You’re tough as old shoe leather.” 

“Oh, thanks.”

“But twice as pretty.”

“Twice as pretty as shoe leather? You should stop while you’re ahead.”

“That was always my problem. Never knew when to stop.”

“Apparently that’s Ian’s problem, too.”

“Already making jokes.”

“Ha.”

“You should come back home.”

“I know.”

“There are people who love you here.”

“Hank, I’m trying to salvage my marriage.”

“I believe in people knowing their options, when they make a choice.”

Jane breathed in and out, conscious of the breath rushing through her nose. She chewed on her knuckle. “I appreciate that. You’ve been there for me for seven years. I couldn’t have done it without you. You’ve been my best friend.” She paused. “Hank, do you think…” she hesitated, then said it fast: “maybe Ian did it because he was trying to show me…how it’s over.” She hadn’t dared to voice that fear to anyone else. 

Hank was silent for a long moment. “I don’t reckon so. If he wanted out he’d probably tell you. The whole world’s fixing to jump on him now.”

“Sometimes I’m so mad I could hit him.”

“So hit him. He deserves it.”

She sniffed. “Maybe I will. I’m the world’s fool, Hank. That’s what they all think.”

“So what? It’s what’s between you that counts.”

“It’s just hard knowing I’m a woman who got cheated on, in everybody’s eyes. That’s who I am.”

“Loving, faithful arms are waiting a mere plane ride away. What more does a fellow have to say?”

She laughed. “I love you, Hank.”

“I love you, too.”

She hung up feeling better.

Sliding up to lay on the bed, she lay there awhile. She said aloud, “I’m a woman got cheated on,” and wrapped the phone cord around her ring finger, coiling it like a set of vinyl rings encasing her finger all the way to the nail. 

Bizarre paths they had traveled, she and Ian, as they took their separate journeys over the last years, their ways diverging, growing more and more distant with time. Only a drastic measure could change this course and bring them in synchrony again. Was it ridiculous to imagine that Ian, even subconsciously, had acted out in order to rouse her from the waking dream in which she moved quite well without him? 

She unwound her finger and hung up the phone, staring off into space. Her whiplash reaction to Ian’s news about the entire affair, the venture to England, her confrontation of the other two parts of the sex scene triumvirate: it was all a cold splash of water to the face of her dreamy, affectless routine. That was over and she sat here now in her new life, pain and all, connected to Ian’s. Awake.

Ian lay on his bed downstairs listening to the melancholic music that suited his present mood. His private cell phone vibrated in his pocket. Startled out of a daze, he flipped it open. He didn’t recognize the number. The inquisitive part of his nature had been wrung out of late.

“Ian,” a familiar voice said, “It’s Marta.”

“Marta? I didn’t expect you to call.” How’d she get the bloody number was what he really wondered

“I felt bad about leaving you like I did yesterday. It wasn’t very nice and I apologize.”

She sounded different. More British, warmer, and more fallible. In England she was different from the businesswoman he’d met in the States. “It’s all right. Don’t think anything of it.” He found himself curious what she’d say next.

“It bothered me you didn’t believe that I wanted to help you. I really do. You suspect my motivations and I can understand that, considering my background. Maybe if we could spend a little more time together you’ll start to trust me and see where I’m coming from.”

An incredulous smile came and went from Ian’s face as he listened to Marta’s appeal. “You’d like us to spend some time together?” He was unable to keep a hint of his feelings out of his voice. 

Marta’s voice sounded flustered but serious. “I like you, Ian. Just because people come from different worlds doesn’t mean they can’t be friends.”

He found himself touched by the sincerity of her last statement. “What do you propose?”

“We could go for another walk.”

“Won’t they be thinking we’re having an affair, if we’re seen together again on a ramble around the Gardens?”

She tittered. “Give them a little credit. They do like some proof other than a stroll through the park. And some of the horde should remember me from the old days, really. They’ll think it’s an interview.”

“Kensington, then.” 

“Tomorrow morning, nine a.m.?”

“I’ll meet you where you ran away. Ciao.” He wondered what it was really about.

CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

J
ANE
SAT
IN
front of the dressing table she had contrived in her bedroom by putting a small half-moon table from the hallway against the wall and standing a mirror with lights around it she’d found in the bathroom cupboard on top. A small stool from the kitchen was the seat. She sat brushing her hair when Tam wandered in, leaned against Jane, and looked in the mirror so they could see each other.

“Mommy?”

“Yes, sweet pea?”

“Are you and Daddy fighting?”

Jane stopped brushing for a moment and looked at Tam’s small concerned face in the mirror. “Maybe a little bit, honey. It’ll be all right.” She resumed the slow strokes from crown to ends.

“Can I sleep here?” 

“You can stay here for a little while. I’ll read you a story, okay?”

“Are we going home?”

Jane stopped brushing again and pulled Tam around to sit in her lap. “Why? Do you want to go home?”

Tam nodded, playing with the shawl Jane had taken out of her luggage to cover the dressing table. 

“I thought you liked it here.”

“I do.” 

Tam’s expression was so melancholy Jane put the brush down to hug her and kiss her cheek. “What’s the matter, sweetie?”

“Make my hair a braid. Are you mad at Daddy about the other lady?”

Jane stroked Tam’s silky hair, wavy until it twisted in little curls at the very ends. “Da talked to you about that. Da and I love each other very much and we have to work it out between us, like people do when they have a problem. So we’re doing okay. Sometimes we might argue and get upset, but we love each other the whole time. And we love you more than anything.” She separated the hair into three parts and braided Tam’s hair, with a practiced hand. “Hold the end for a minute.”

She got up, lifting Tam and depositing her on the stool, to fetch a rubber band from her case in the bathroom. While she was there, her finger touched the ring she had tucked in a narrow pocket along with some hairbands. Without thinking too much about it, she fished it out and slid it on her finger. As she walked back to her room, she tried to dismiss the feeling of wholeness she felt, having a simple band returned to her finger. Once she had Tam’s hair in her hands again she wrapped the other kind of band around the tail until it was tight. 

“You’ll have nice waves in the morning.” She leaned down to kiss her cheek.

Tam stood up on the stool, her gloom gone, and leaped to the bed with a shriek. She bounced on the bed. “Boing ga-boing ga-boing ga-boing.” She yelled with every bounce. 

“Don’t bring the whole house down.”

“Bounce, Mom, bounce!”

“No, it’s not going to take two of us. You’ve got about five more and that’s it for you, kiddo.”

“Boing ga-boing ga-boing ga-boing. GA-BOING. GA-BOING!” The leaps were bigger.

“You’ve hit your limit. Now hit the sheets.”

“Just five more!” Tam was breathless.

“Tam, that’s it. Now!”

“Mom!” Tam made her clown face, mouth twisted two different ways, eyes crossed, as she kept bouncing.

“Do I have to call your father?” How seldom she was able to use that threat.

“Boing-oing-oing-oing!” Tam collapsed on the bed in a fit of giggles after having gotten one more huge, illegal jump in.

“Tam, you’re not listening. I’m not much up for reading you a story after that behavior.”

“Mo-om.” Tam rolled around, rolling her eyes and looking put out. “I’m just bouncing.”

“Go to your room.”

“No.”

“Tamsin Seraphina, go to your room this instant.”

Tam got up off the bed and ran out of the room. Jane heard her run into her own room and leap into bed. The bed hit the wall when she threw herself into it. Jane walked down the short hall to Tam’s open door and looked into the dark room. “You can brush your teeth and go to the bathroom. Then go straight to bed. I don’t want any dilly-dallying.”

Tam waited until she had come away from the door to re-emerge. Jane heard the running water, little sounds of Tam muttering to herself as she did when she went about tasks, the toilet flush, and then her feet padding back to her room. She went back to Tam’s door. “You can read for a little while if you want to. Then turn off your light.” She went in and kissed Tam’s forehead. “Nighty-night.”

“Don’t let the bed bugs bite,” Tam said sulkily.

“See you in the morning light.”

Jane closed the door most of the way but left it open a bit so some light could come in from the hallway after Tam turned her light out.

As she got undressed herself, getting ready for bed, she heard Tam call out, belatedly, “I want Daddy to tuck me in!”

Jane yelled from where she was. “He’s busy right now, Tam. If he comes up I’ll tell him. Go to sleep!” The walls weren’t all that thick in the flat. It wasn’t any problem making herself heard, and there was a bathroom between Tam’s room and hers. Their doors were ajar, but still. She’d have to remember this fact when she and Ian were engaged in any kind of noisy activity.

As the thin silk of the nightie slid over her shoulders, she heard a new sound. Cocking her head, she went to the doorway and listened. Someone was murmuring repetitively, “DA-ddy, DA-ddy, DA-ddy, DA-ddy, DA-ddy, DA-ddy, DA-ddy,” accompanied by wall thumps. After a frustrated look heavenward, she crossed to Tam’s door and stood in the hall, out of the doorway, so she wouldn’t cast a shadow, and peered in with only one eye, to see what Tam was up to now. Tam was rocking back and forth in bed, knocking her knees against the wall with each repetition, saying her father’s name in hope of rescue from her mother’s cruelty.

Jane poked her head in. The thumping and whining stopped. Tam lay still in bed. Jane stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you. Knock it off, and go to sleep.”

“I want Daddy.”

“I told you, Daddy’s busy.”

“No,” Tam said in the grumpiest way possible and flounced over so she was facing the wall. 

“GO to SLEEP.”

Instead of going back to her room, she walked to the edge of the stairs and stood undecided at the top for a moment. She turned back to her room and fished out her green patterned dressing gown from the closet. With that on she ran down the stairs and looked around. He wasn’t in the living room or the kitchen; both were dark. The light was on under the door of the downstairs bedroom. Up close to the door she listened for a brief moment before she knocked. No sound from within.