Pieces of My Heart (30 page)

‘It will never happen again, I can promise you that,’ Paul assured her.

‘How can we help her?’ I asked.

‘You have sought the correct care for her and now you need to leave it up to the professionals. Obviously you will be instrumental in supporting her recovery, but it’s up to us and, more importantly, up to Alison now.’

‘So there’s nothing specific that we can do?’

‘Your role for the next while will be to cheer her on and support from the sidelines while we work our magic.’

‘But there must be something I can do. I’m her mother – I know her better than anyone else.’ I was finding it hard to let go. I wanted to be involved in my daughter’s recovery. I hated not seeing her or what was going on. Since I was seventeen, I’d had to look after myself. I was used to being in control and liked to be in charge. I liked to be informed. I didn’t want to leave Ali completely in the hands of the professionals. I wanted to work alongside them, not be pushed into the background. What if she needed me? What if they tried to get her to eat something she didn’t like?

‘There are things that only a mother knows – like the fact that Ali hates blueberries,’ I persisted.

Mary leant forward. ‘Ava, I understand this is difficult for you. Leaving your most precious possession in the hands of others is the hardest thing to do, but I can assure you that we know exactly what we’re doing. You need to let go. Alison is the only person who can make Alison better. She’s almost an adult now and she has to do this on her own, with help and support, of course, but if she doesn’t heal herself, she will relapse.’

I tried not to get upset. A mother’s job was to fix things when they went wrong but in this case I had to step back and watch her struggle through on her own. I suppose it was like when your child takes their first steps and every time they wobble you want to reach out and save them, but the only way they learn how to get back up is by falling down.

‘This is a tough situation for any family so I want you to remember to take time for yourselves and your younger daughter. Continue with your jobs and your lives, otherwise it will consume you.’

‘OK, Doc. Bottom line, is Ali going to get better?’ Paul asked.

Mary paused. ‘Yes, I believe she will.’

Sarah was waiting for us when we got home. ‘So, what did the psychologist say? Are we all mad?’

‘Don’t joke about it. It’s very serious,’ I said.

‘I’m just trying to cheer you up. It’s nothing but bloody doom and gloom in this house.’

‘You’re right,’ Paul observed. ‘You are absolutely right. We can’t all sit around being miserable. It’s not going to help anyone.’

‘Wow, Dad, you do realize that you have, like, actually agreed with me for the first time ever?’ Sarah said.

‘Miracles do happen.’ He smiled.

‘So is it because of David? Is that why she’s not eating? Is she going to be OK?’

‘They think she’ll be fine. But we need to talk to you about something.’ I led her to a chair and told her to sit down.

‘Oh, God, what now?’

‘Ali told the psychologist about something she witnessed when she was nine. It had a very bad effect on her and I –’

‘Oh, please, are you talking about Dad being shot?’

Paul stared at her. ‘You know about it too?’

‘Come on, guys, it was like downtown LA, with all the gunfire and the shouting. I probably would have slept through it but I was sharing a room with Ali who was all freaked out and woke me up. She was crying and shouting, “Dad’s dead.” But when I looked out the window, I saw you waving your arms and roaring, so I knew you were all right. The next day Mum made up the story about the appendix and it was pretty obvious that you wanted us to play along, so that was that.’

‘Weren’t you affected by it?’ I asked.

Sarah looked genuinely puzzled. ‘No. Why would I be? Dad was totally fine and the guy went to prison. End of story.’

‘Did you worry he might come back?’ Paul asked her.

‘No, because Mr Hardy across the road told me it was an accident waiting to happen. He said you were looking for trouble coming home from the pub with a big bag full of cash from the tills every night. He said every criminal in Dublin targeted businesses that dealt in cash. He said you were a total moron for trying to fight off Brendan Howlitt and hold on to the bag, and it was a good thing that you’d got shot, because now you were behaving responsibly and putting the money into a night safe after closing the pub, and the neighbourhood would be a much safer place because of it.’

‘That interfering fucker! I’ll kill him!’ Paul hissed.

I couldn’t believe that grumpy old busybody would say something like that to a child. It had been a really traumatic time. Paul had very nearly died on the operating table and I was a nervous wreck for months. It was only really when Howlitt was put away for fifteen years that we began to relax again and put it behind us. Our priority at the time had been to protect the girls from it. Charlie had been amazing: he had moved in and helped out with them while Paul was in hospital and been a rock of strength for me. I would have been lost without him.

‘Dad, I wouldn’t bother confronting Mr Hardy. He’s got Alzheimer’s and the shooting happened, like, eight years ago, so I’d say the chances of him remembering are slim to none.’

‘So you honestly don’t think you were affected by it in a bad way?’ I wanted to be sure she wasn’t just being brave.

‘Nope, not at all. Ali used to have nightmares about Howlitt getting out of prison and coming back to kill us all in our beds, but I never did.’

‘I remember Ali’s nightmares. She always said she was dreaming of ghosts. I should have guessed.’

‘Come on, Mum, how were you supposed to know that Ali’s ghost was actually a code-word for the freak who shot Dad?’

‘I should have handled the whole thing differently. I just wanted to protect you. I was so terrified that Dad was going to die I couldn’t think straight.’

‘Don’t sweat it.’

‘Are you annoyed with us for pretending I was in hospital with appendicitis?’ Paul asked her.

‘No. Look, guys, I’m not throwing up after eating, I’m not taking drugs or cutting myself or leading a double life as a hooker because eight years ago you tried to protect us from the truth. I’m cool with it. Ali’s always been way too sensitive.’

How could two daughters born of the same parents be so different? I was extremely relieved that Sarah wasn’t angry with me, but I felt wretched that Ali had been so frightened, that I hadn’t known and hadn’t been there to comfort her. I had been so wrapped up in trying to get Paul better and keeping things ‘normal’ at home.

Parenthood was a non-stop learning curve. What worked with one child was the completely wrong thing to do with another. It was a minefield and after the session this morning I felt drained and unsure of myself. What other bad decisions had I made? What other damage had I unwittingly caused?

‘Mum,’ Sarah said, interrupting my thoughts, ‘don’t beat yourself up. With the psychologists and the nutritionists and the special treatment, Ali will be fine. She’s too smart to die. Besides, I don’t fancy being an only child. Way too much focus.’

I reached out and squeezed her hand. ‘Mary, the psychologist, said she’d like to have a couple of family sessions with Ali. Are you all right with that?’

‘Are you kidding me? Come on, Mum, talking about myself is my idea of heaven. When can we start?’

Paul went over and put his arm around her. ‘Sarah Mullen, you’re a breath of fresh air. Don’t ever change.’

‘Steady on, you two, all this affection is freaking me out.’

Paul kissed the top of her head. ‘I have to pop into the pub. I’ll see you later.’

As he walked out, Charlie walked in. ‘How did it go?’ he asked, sitting down on the couch with me and Sarah.

‘Ali’s not eating because four zillion years ago Dad got shot.’

‘You know about that?’ Charlie was shocked.

‘Apparently Ali saw it happen,’ I explained.

‘Oh, no, poor Ali.’

‘Yeah, well, she woke me up so that I’d be traumatized too.’

‘Are you?’ Charlie asked Sarah.

‘No.’

‘I thought they believed all the stuff about Paul’s appendix,’ he said to me.

‘So did I, but they’ve known all along.’

‘Why didn’t you say anything?’ Charlie asked Sarah.

‘Because you all kept going on about how it was just an operation and it was pretty obvious that you didn’t want us to know what had really happened, so we just played along. To be honest, I kind of believed it after a few weeks. I almost forgot he was shot. It’s one of the advantages of being shallow. Ali, on the other hand, has obviously been dragging it around for all these years.’

‘Did the shrink find all this out?’ Charlie wondered.

‘It came up in the session today.’

‘Is that why she’s not eating?’

‘It’s the trigger, but there are lots of other reasons too. David, her sensitivity to others, her need to please, her perfectionism … Seemingly these are all reasons why she has developed anorexia. But the psychologist said that the most important thing to remember is that it’s not about the food, it’s about control.’

‘What’s she trying to control?’

‘Her emotions, I think. I’m still learning,’ I admitted. ‘To be honest, Charlie, I’m reeling from it all.’

‘She’s always been a control freak,’ Sarah piped up.

‘No, she hasn’t,’ I defended Ali.

‘I cannot believe you’re saying that. You obviously never shared a room with her like I did for five years. She’s a neat freak. She made me colour-code my clothes and I wasn’t allowed to have anything on the floor. Not even my shoes – they had to be put away in the wardrobe every night. She drove me insane. I’d come in from playing outside and find my dolls’ clothes had been washed and ironed, their hair washed and dried and their shoes polished! She used to line up my pencils on my desk at exactly the same angle and hoover every day – even under the bed. The best day of my life was when I got my own room.’

I’d forgotten how annoyed Ali used to get with Sarah’s messiness. I never thought it was a big deal but Sarah was very untidy. Was it another symptom of her need to control things? It had never seemed extreme. ‘She just likes order in her life. I don’t think that’s a negative.’

‘Of course you don’t because you’re a total control freak too,’ Sarah said.

‘No, I’m not. I think I’m pretty laid-back.’

Sarah and Charlie laughed loudly at this statement.

‘I have my father and his pregnant girlfriend living with me, a husband who is married to his job and two demanding teenage daughters. I think I’m very bloody laid-back actually.’

‘Oh, yeah, you’re practically horizontal.’ Sarah giggled.

‘Ava, you have many fantastic qualities, but you could never be described as easy-going.’

‘I object strongly to that. I’m very relaxed about a lot of things. There is constant chaos in this house and I hardly ever complain.’

‘You’re always giving out about the mess,’ Sarah said.

‘Just because I don’t like to have stuff lying around everywhere doesn’t mean I’m obsessive.’

‘You go mental if I leave wet towels on the bathroom floor.’

‘It’s disgusting.’

‘You can’t go to sleep unless the kitchen is completely tidy,’ she added.

‘I like to wake up to a clean house.’

‘We never had animals because you didn’t want animal hair on your couches.’

‘Who does?’

‘Loads of people.’

Charlie stepped in. ‘Ava, love, no one is saying that there’s anything wrong with liking things a certain way, but if you’re wondering where Ali got her orderliness from, you don’t need to look any further.’

‘You’re both being totally unfair. I’m very easy-going compared to most people. Now, Sarah, go and make your mad mother a cup of tea.’

Charlie stood up. ‘I’ll give you a hand.’

‘Regular or herbal?’ Sarah asked me.

‘Herbal, please. Can you make me a green tea, but not the organic green tea, the one with jasmine? And can you make it the big spotty cup? And can you bring me a few biscuits as well – not the chocolate ones, the plain ones, thanks.’

‘Yes, sir.’ She grinned.

‘That is not being controlling. It’s called being precise,’ I shouted after them, as their laughter filled the room.

35

Sally decided it was time to bring Simon out of the witness-protection programme and introduce him to Paul and me. She told me she didn’t want to go for dinner because she thought it would be too formal, but that Simon had been very interested when he heard Paul was into surfing and said he’d love to try it.

Paul was lending Simon all the surf gear he needed, so on the morning of the double date, he laid it out on the hall floor and started sorting through it.

Sarah came downstairs. ‘What are you doing?’

‘He’s getting a wetsuit and all the other stuff for Simon,’ I told her.

‘Has he ever surfed before?’

‘No.’

‘He does realize it’s January?’

‘He’s a successful lawyer so I presume he can figure out what month it is,’ I retorted.

The doorbell rang. ‘It’s them!’ I froze. Paul and Sarah laughed at me.

‘Maybe you should open the door and let them in,’ Paul suggested.

‘OK. Now, remember, act casual, like it’s no big deal that Sally has a boyfriend,’ I reminded them.

I opened the door and Sarah screeched, ‘Oh, my God, Sally, what is that? Your boyfriend? I’ve never seen one before.’

Sally turned to Simon. ‘That’s Sarah, the one they’re sending off to boarding school next year.’

‘Ha ha.’ Sarah walked over and proffered a hand. ‘Nice to meet you, Simon. I’m Sarah, the sane sister.’

‘I’ve heard all about you.’ He winked at her.

‘Just ignore her. I’m Ava, great to meet you. Come on in – try not to trip over the mess.’

‘Hi, Simon, I’m Paul.’ The two men shook hands.

‘Nice to meet you both,’ said Simon. Then, seeing the state of the hall, he added, ‘Thanks for sorting me out with all the equipment. I’m really looking forward to this.’

‘You must be mad,’ Sarah said.

‘I’ve always wanted to try it – it looks like fun.’

‘Yeah, but you do realize you’re going to die out there? It’s, like, freezing.’